I'm not sure what to say to you
Seemed to have lost my voice
So I guess writing it down on paper
Is my only other choice

Only a tiny part of me is sad
You decided to go a different way
Not ready for something serious
At least I'm not today

I may be drenched in melancholy
But the fault lies not in you
Depressed long before we met
Your presence made me feel less blue

I couldn't describe accurately
The plethora of emotions inside
The strongest of these is envy
Of the one who gets to be by your side

Right behind is indignation
In a close second place
At the way you handled it
Without any tact or grace

I'm just waiting for you to talk to me
I suppose you don't possess the nerve
But how can you look at me and believe
This treatment is what I deserve?

I wasn't set on a relationship
It was you who started this
And it was your actions that convinced me
I was more than just lips to kiss

You told me you liked me
I warned you wouldn't for long
Your doubt warmed my center
But it has now been proven wrong

I recall you saying that you didn't want
What you had with her before
But maybe she has really changed
And it won't be hard anymore

I wish you both all the happiness
And luck this cold world can hold
Sincerely hope she is the one
To stand by you as you grow old

I don't know when my turn will come
Or if my heart is capable of love at all
But what is meant to be will be
It's just not our time to fall

I do not know if you see it how I do
Maybe I am the one to blame
For making myself too available
Smothering the flame

But you appeared to be an adult
I assumed you were somewhat mature
Different from my troublesome ex
Who just made me insecure

Only to find out you're no better
Lying like all the rest
Omission is still a form of deception
I must say I'm unimpressed

I thought we were closer than that
That you would give me honesty
What have I done to make you scared
Of telling the truth to me

A simple explanation was all it would take
For why I was being neglected
Instead dwelled on my every flaw
Wondering which was rejected

To discover it's not me at all
But someone else that caused this change
Actually comes as a relief
Although that might sound strange

I understand that love never dies
Because I'm going through the same thing too
The only difference is that the person I miss
Replaced me with someone new

Which I am surprisingly grateful for
Because we are better off apart
No matter how much it kills my soul
Or paralyzes my heart

If he wasn't taken I truthfully don't know
If I would be able to resist
Although I know he is no good for me
Tempting urges persist

So I wish you would have been forthcoming
And shown me a level of respect
I can't tell if it is my feelings
Or your ego you're trying to protect

You behaved like a gentleman
Until you didn't want me around
And instead of letting me down properly
You didn't bother to make a sound

But I guess you don't owe me a reason
No commitment hanging between
It is just that personally I have a problem with
People who say what they don't mean

I process conversation in a literal way
When speaking aloud I follow through
So naturally my brain presumes everyone else
Is inclined to mean what they say too

I forget sometimes how cheap talk is
And guys want to come off as smooth and sweet
So they fill our ears with ******* without even missing a beat

You told me you would be right back
Left me waiting up all night
But that wasn't that big of a deal
Didn't want to seem uptight

Then you took off on a road trip
Without saying farewell
That's when I suspected something was up
It was fairly easy to tell

Then when I found out you drove past my house
Spent time right down the road
And didn't bother to stop for a second
That's when I wanted to explode

You blew me off two days in a row
Yet give your attention to a *******
Do you get how low that made me feel?
Like you just used me to hit and quit (it)

And then when you finally show your face
You barely speak two words to me
I didn't know what pushed you away
Just wished I was able to see

It wasn't until later that night
I saw her Facebook story posts
And it dawned on me that I
Wasn't actually what you wanted the most

Don't know why you couldn't just say so
Would have saved me a lot of frustration
The only thing I deduce is that you
Weren't man enough to handle confrontation

Communication is key that is true
To understanding and resolution
Yet your cowardice tricked you into the false belief
Avoidance the appropriate solution

Running away from friction
Because you lack the bravery
Has really shown your true colors
And I don't like the hues I see

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up
When we had hardly just begun
But I sensed a genuine attraction
And with you always had fun

But history outweighs sparks
Shouldn't come as a surprise
But if you regret it don't come crawling back
Because I refuse to be your consolation prize

I wonder if I will ever understand
You destroyed everything good
You sit there and blame the world
Claiming you are "misunderstood"

You whine that no one gets you
Yet don't bother to explain
You won't let anybody in
You have zero right to complain

Do not say nobody has tried
To open doors to your mind
I personally wasted years knocking
Genuine thoughts I have yet to find

It is hard to accept what someone won't give
Even harder to listen to words they do not share
I tried but it is difficult to love
A person who's presence isn't actually there

You act like I am the one in the wrong
As if I would have jumped ship if you told the truth
My loyalty has proved to be enduring
Been dealing with the same ******* since our youth

It's unfair to make me feel guilty
For taking the course I thought was best
Know I'm sorry for hurting you
But I will not apologize for all the rest

You excel at playing victim
Done it so much you really believe
The universe is conspiring to get you
In denial of the fact you deceive  

My biggest frustration with your fake facade
Is the time you spend fooling yourself
I'm powerless to flip your tired ways
Expose flaws you forced to hide up on some shelf

Fairytale you began fearing is finished
The easiest failure to flee
Freedom pushes frantic fingers further from you
Life to you is but a fading foolish fantasy

Satisfied spinning us round and round
Still I followed your dizzy path
Sedated souls stumbling over obstacles
Sickening secrets revealed without a polygraph

Our twisted relationship takes the most room in my heart
The bitterest sweetest disappointment was you
Though fleeting, this beautiful love was rare
I just wish I knew reasons behind the pain you put me through

How many of our smiles are fake?
How many of us wish our own lives to take?
How many people out there feel alone?
Or even worse feel like they are just another clone?
How many souls are crying out for another?
And how many of them will meet each other?
How many loved ones have passed away?
How many deal with depression each day?
Or another mental illness they carefully hide?
How many of you out there are broken inside?
How many humans are truly at peace?
And just when will that contentment cease?
How many of us have cut out our hearts?
And destroyed it so no one else could hurt that part?
How many of us have watched those we love the most,
Change over time into an unrecognizable ghost?
How many people have each one of us used?
How many words have we said that left others ego bruised?
How many friends have we drifted apart from?
How many of us are horrified by what we have become?
How many goodbyes cut good people open wide?
Leaving them gutted by the empty space by their side?
How many hours have been wasted by sorrow?
How many todays ruined by yesterday or tomorrow?
How many questions has mankind really asked?
How many people walking by are wearing an ornate mask?
How many of us are able to say the smile we don is real?
And mean it when we tell another how it is we feel?
The answers are only numbers with an unimportant sum,
They don't matter because the tragic fact of every last one
Is that they all show us our harsh reality;
The truth most people cannot accept or see

We'd rather make-believe our lives are as happy
As we know they will not ever be

Go with the flow, quit resisting change,
Hour by hour time is running out,
Stay up all night, you can sleep when you're dead,
Make lasting memories, forget regrets,  you're better without.

I'm sure you would want me to be happy
That you'd want me to smile
Joy is elusive
Cannot be caught
Pretending just isn't my style

Maybe I am where I need to be
The reason presently I can't see
Leaves with flourish spring from tree branches
Try to stay above these mental avalanches
Inside I am frozen
Hopeless
Blue
Outside I pretend it isn't true

What an amazing day it is, I am ready,
It is the date my lungs have waited for,
Better than Christmas or Halloween, it's 4/20!
Everyone enjoy, smoke **** galore!

The beat of my heart changes in your presence

Can sound like slow steady thumps one moment
The rhythmic blinking of two piercing eyes

But the millisecond you approach me
The heart stuck on the invisible metronome within is flung wildly

I do not possess the strength to control it

I have enough leverage to confine it to the prison inside my chest

And after it's behind bars I feel it pounding against its cell
For freedom

The easy paced beat suddenly switches to the fast thumping of a dogs tail wagging with sheer delight
Hitting the floor repeatedly

I take a minute
Reflect on the difference and I have an epiphany
THIS is how my dog feels when I come home from work each day

Difficult ditches
Beautiful angles emerge
Viewing stars better

Love you no matter what
Every day good and bad
All I need is a little appreciation
For the memorable years we have had
You are welcome for stroking your head
On those nautious nights we faced
They have worn us thin in spots
We are stronger from being in that dark place
I will always do my best to protect you
From each threat we find ourselves staring at
In return all I ask is for you to tell me
I look beautiful when I'm feeling sad and fat
Thanks for your patience
Waiting for me to get ready
And when I can't contain rage
For keeping your voice calm and steady
We balance eachother like a scale
You're the yin to my yang, the no to my yes,
We disagree often but the one thing we do agree on
Is that we couldnt love eachother any less

Soon I will start healing
At least that's what I hope
It's what I tell myself each night
To ease my grief and help me cope

What a cruel reality
The lonely ditch I've dug
No words to describe the depth of my pain
No one to listen
Nobody to hug

A terrible lie resounds in my head
"It's all your fault "
A voice declares
A barrage of negative beliefs cavort
In a twisted game of musical chairs

Broken promise of forever
Remaining shards rest in my hands
Along with the fading traces
Of our once-unified plans

Imprisoned by sweet memories
Held captive in their embrace
Try to take a step forward
But my feet are frozen in place

Never have I felt so low
Crushed by overwhelming desire
Not understanding how attraction so strong
Could suddenly with no warning expire

I yearn for happiness I had
Before blue skies turned grey
Now the closest to joy I will get
Are those moments in my mind I replay

An awful truth I must accept
Is that you are never coming back
And since you left my heart has darkened
To an ugly shade of bluish-black

I fear my tomorrows will all be the same
In this tunnel I see no light at the end
It has been a whole year since goodbye
And these wounds haven't yet begun to mend

Set my soul free from misery
And the love to which it is bound
Maybe then I will uncover peace
That so far cannot be found

I am waiting for the moment when
You finally look at me and say
"I'm sorry I have to do this to you
But we both know I can't stay"

After all that we've been through
You would convince me that you had to go
I'd watch you walk out of my life before
I had a chance to whisper "No"

I am wondering if this fantasy
Will unfold as it does in my head
If someday I'll wake up and find
A crumpled note and empty bed

Each morning the first thing I do
Is roll over to check your presence and stare
Because even the strongest, most euphoric high fades
One day I'll open my eyes and you won't be there

Love is crazy

Long lonely nights
Short stories told back and forth on a landline until the battery on the handset dies

We try forgetting days that haunt us like restless ghosts but they linger like the adhesive left when you peel the sticker off the back of a lighter..

Awakens to a new day like thousands before
Gone from sight, searches for hope
On the cold dirt she solemnly walks
No trace of possibility in her scope.

"Are you okay?" I long to ask her
Easily seeing she is everything but
Each inch of her body quivers
Lights are off, her heart is shut.

A complex cavern of misunderstanding
Sensory overload dreaded routine
Treacherous image none bothered to question
Screaming child stuck in an eternal daydream.

Starlight mimicking a faint compass
Guiding through the map surrounding
The world gives conflicting directions
Lost in the atlas, heartbeat starts pounding.

Putting trust in uneven difficult terrain
She drags her broken spirit along
A replica of the beauty she once captured
Her touch gentle, bravery strong.

Tossed by foamy waves
In the streets, out at sea
Tired and hungry, long ago spit out
After being chewed by cruel society.

Down and out, no longer expecting
The universe to show any remorse
Bearing her misery alone in the chaos
Oblivion the destination marking the end of her course.

I open my eyes
But can't open my heart
It's a door tightly shut
So new love can't start

Looking for an antidote
To take the pain away
Heal my brokenness
I want to feel okay

Find myself between two walls
One is hope
The other fear
I can't climb over either
Frozen in place here

I know I'm not the easiest
Soul to love and adore
I try my best most days I live
But still should be doing more

I push away caring arms
Force myself to be alone
It's safer to suffer solitude
Than risk venturing into unknown

The past haunts my every move
Reminding me of my mistakes
So foolish though I never learn
How much more regret will it take?

I hold him close as I can
Can't make the past go away
Can't erase pain or sadness
Memories hold him captive every day

I do not love all the words you say
I have finally found one flaw in you
I hope you understand my critique
I stumble on repetitive insults you spew

That's all you do wrong
There is just no other fault
I let you shout, release your anger
I despise each verbal assault

Used to hold thoughts inside
Opinions I was too scared to express
Been putting expectation on my shoulders
Change my life or cave under overwhelming stress

Speeding from surprise struggles
You attempt to control your violent rage
I want badly to erase heavy words
Eternally printed on life's page

"I hate you so much right now." You glared
Hearing that directed at me hurt like hell
There are many sentences you could have used
That is the one you chose to yell

My ears weathered sharp remarks
Shrapnel searing through my drums
With every passing second you seem uglier
I am riddles with holes and an ache that never numbs

I am so worried there is truth in your shouting
I don't know how much honesty is hidden in your anger
You are not the easiest book to read
Sometimes I feel as if I'm talking to a stranger

I am beginning to believe you do detest me now
Difficult as it is for me to admit
I know you love me, but I fear not enough
The hatred is growing, I don't know how to stop it.

I am used to this behavior
Can handle it most of the time
Blame it on your addiction
Excuse each careless crime

Consumed by selfish desires
Try our hardest to succeed
We don't seem to be capable
Of being what the other one needs

Don't want to spend my life
Chasing after half-hearted attention
Had enough of secretive ways
Living in continuous suspension

Empty days filled with lies
Make me question everything
The sky knows you better than I do
How real is your flimsy suffering?

Feel this is all a game
It is wrong to play my heart
You are apart from me the majority of the time
The one emotionless from the start

You swear I am the one
Argue the point you love me more
There are times you treat me like
Just another dope *****

Know you care for me deeply
Can feel it when we kiss
I know from experience you'll find
Someone to provide temporary bliss

Wish my face consumed your thoughts
Wish I was what you longed for the most
The one thing that will always come first
Ahead of me; your next dose

You assure I am all you want and more
Why do you talk to other girls?
Is it because you sell them ****?
Or are they prettier with hair that curls?

Each time I feel used and neglected
Blame it on your habit
Tumbling down a dark endless hole
Following a cursed white rabbit

What if it isn't the drugs
Causing your interest to fade out?
I need to accept your priorities
I will never be what you care more about

I cannot convey how I feel right now

Not computer
Ball-tip pen
No. 2 pencil
Felt-tip marker
Even mental imagery can depict

I hide in creative silence

I do not blame you for leaving
Understand why you bid me goodbye
I would not be with me either
If wearing your shoes instead of mine

Sometimes regret past decisions
That never lasts for long
If I would have changed them
Could turn out even more wrong

You are not faultless though
Bear your fair share of mistakes
Both contributed to downfall
With messes each of us makes

Have no clue how it happened
Cannot pinpoint source
Of relationship's demise
Still fills me with remorse

To relive one day with you
When we were at our very best
Would give up everything
To again lay my head on your chest

Be energy responsible
For making world go round
It will never be that way again
Pieces fallen to the ground

Gone are the plans we made
Promises
Dreams had
Swept away with the wind
All I own now is my pen and pad

To soothe pain I write it down
Words can't take it away
Like an infected cut memory festers
Just grow more used to it each day

Come to realization
You do not need me anymore
Better off without me
And the life built before

Back when first falling in love
Felt too good to be true
Perfection may have been real
Ended too soon as good things do

And I wanted badly to believe
All those precious words you said
Ignored my rationality
Listened to my heart instead

I was convinced we were meant to be
My search was permanently done
Although you no longer feel the same
To me you will always be 'the one'

It's better to love and lose
Than never to love at all
Even with the agony inside
Still grateful it was you I fell for Paul

I do not want to argue anymore
Show me the way to the door
I would rather slum it surfing couch to couch
Than hide from life as I slack and slouch
Look down upon from your self-righteous horse
Insults hurled til your voice is hoarse
And "wouldn't you feel bad if I died?"
As if unaware of how I feel inside

Long nights consume the slivers of day
Darkness is the Alaskan way
Has the song sung in summer flew away with the birds?
Our have we just forgotten the words?
Been in the shadow cast by winter's arrival
Since then the cold has been my rival
Branches break the sky up like pieces of glass
I look upwards as I walk waiting for danger to pass
Over hills the moon hangs in late afternoon
Hovering like a half-inflated balloon
Commitment to visibility not faltering a bit
Sometimes partly hidden but never completely quits
Dreams of warmer weather weave strands throughout my brain
Trying to ignore the snowfall exclaiming outside the windowpane
Putting all effort into embracing the ice
I can't be the only one who thinks some sunshine would be nice

I should have never answered the phone when you called
The fact that you did had me feeling appalled
I never have the resolve to stand by my word
Worked to stay strong but my emotions were stirred
You never got the rejection you should have faced
Instead met with forgiveness you barely chased
I gave in too easily as I always do
Lose all control when it comes to you
Wanted you to experience similar suffering
I should have made you try harder
Should have let the phone ring