As I lay on the ground
Looking up at your smiling face
I can see the lie in your eyes
You're denying the truth
And leaving me in the dirt
Standing over my broken body
Watching my pain and hurt
Multiple with every comment
And dirty look
You put me down on this dirty ground
And lost love was all it took
I'm ashamed to say that I'd take you back
I'd let you pull me up into your arms
Cause without you I'm just a heart attack
Waiting to happen
Just broken pieces and shattered parts
Waiting for you to put me back together
Waiting for you to realize what you've done
Waiting for you to remember me
Waiting for your love
Waiting for you
"Do they still hurt?"
I get phantoms pains.
Like, when things go wrong
Or when I hurt inside
When I'm stressed and anxious
Or when you make me cry
A longing ache
It's an itch
"They throb when I'm afraid
Of losing you and everything we've built.
When my mind is too full
And this writer's block's been too long
And everything is just stuck
And it feels like my brain's
About to blow to bits."
"They spasm when I can no longer talk to you.
When we can't seem to get on the same page
When we fight a lot more than make-up
When I only seem to be able to hurt you
When it seems we no longer know each other."
And they ache so much lately
But my therapist assures me I'm doing better
She says I just need a different outlet
I told her I can no longer write
I can no longer compose
I can no longer sketch
I think they got jealous of you
So they left
I told her you keep my itch at bay
Told her you're my happy place."
"Then she asked what will happen
once you grow tired and leave?"
"Baby, you know I'll never leave you."
I smile a sad smile,
"Then why is your foot out the door?"
You are strong
Stayed afloat so long
You are tired, I understand
But I promise there'll be a beacon of light and you'll find it
Or more like don't stress, it'll come along
Till then, just keep staying strong
No one told me love had an expiration date
No one told me love wasn't enough
If only I had known
-la douleur exquise
I do not know where I am.
I do not recognize this place.
This darkness feels so empty.
Maybe it would help you decide if I tell you where I come from.
Misunderstood, broken, verbally abused.
Fat shamed and even made fun of because of my looks!
It all adds up to my path to insanity.
All I ever wanted was love and tranquility.
But fate decided that it should be denied.
Now all I have are my failed attempts at filling up that deep black empty void.
Romanticized so many ways to give up my life.
But my hesitation should be viewed as courage or cowardice?
Now as I lay here contemplating the reason for my existence through all this pain,
should I try my hand at giving up my life again?
You got me addicted
Addicted to the right kind
Of the wrong music
Country to be exact
I shunned and spat at it
Till you came into my life
I fell head over heels
With a born and raised country boy
Found myself becoming a country girl
Finding the perfect country love
Now that you are gone
My heart is shattered
And I'm stuck with rock
Because all the country music
Reminds me of our perfect
Those memories are like a rusty knife plunged into you.
Deep into your gut.
It twists and turns till you can taste blood.
Until it pulls out only to stab you over and over.
Blood spurting, blurring your vision and your world out.
Such is the pain.
Addicted to it that I keep letting my memories take over me again and again.
Those sweet endearments and promises would once upon a time tug at the strings of my heart.
Now those same lost endearments and broken promises threaten to wrench out my very heart.
The excruciating pain feels like the walls are closing in on me.
It’s getting hard to breathe.
Slowly making me lose the will to live?
As I desperately flail my arms in the dark to reach out to my once colorful past, reality hits me in the face like a bright painful ray of light telling me there’s nothing.
Should I comfort myself that I at least have the ability to still feel something?