WHAT does one do when their
Mind is in the clouds
but their Heart is drowning
while the Pain is so loud,
the Thoughts are dazed,
and Memories are a m e s s
that can't be cleaned, that can't be erased...
this ice inside my Chest...
my Lungs are losing air-
but my Eyes stare  off
into a Place of dreaminess...
i'm s p l i t into two
one piece in Earth's core,
sinking
the other up in space
floating
to the other end of the galaxy.

I have asked myself a million times a day
How an eighth of my life took so much away...
We met when I was twenty-one,
Drinking, partying, having fun.
Wild hearts, crazy dreams, living for the moment;
From that drunk first kiss, my steel-made walls were bent.
I never partied much,  but I thanked God I did that night;
From silly dates, inside jokes, that spark in our heated fights,
Our feelings stayed strong, in tact, when push came to shove
And from that sober first time, we soon called it love;
Movie nights in our dorms, summers spent missing each other,
Sleepovers, phone calls, and the first time you met my mother;
Wishing in wells, eleven-eleven, shooting stars;
Graduation day, no one thought we'd make it that far.
Working doubles, living cheap,
We soon took that big old leap;
Rented an apartment in the city, internships at hand;
Didn't have much but I had all I needed in all the land.
Partners in crime, sidekicks in love is how it had always been;
They thought we'd marry; who would've known we'd prove them wrong again....
An eighth of my life was all, for sure;
Three out of twenty-four years, you were
Yet all those years of childhood mean nothing--
We talked of our future children--does that still mean something?
Remembering the past, I don't ever want to start anew...
Yet here we are, maybe a million miles apart;
I can't hold back tears, I still have you close in heart.
But perhaps we've moved closer to the truth:
An eighth of my life is over for good.

And, as much as I'll try, a part of me will always love you--
That eighth of my shattered--mending--heart that will always stay true.

The sorrow that once consumed me
Is hauntingly beautiful now
And some how, sometimes I'm entranced
To relive it, for it was raw,
The purest emotion I'd felt,  
And in this heartless world we live
It was something innocently
Tragic with some meaning to it.

I taste blood as I bite my lip too hard,
I swear I can even smell it;
I see it on the napkin as I dab at it and
I hear it as my heart pumps more through my veins.
It feels slick in my fingers as I graze over
The wound I self-inflicted
And the notion of it surrounding me
Is more or less intoxicating.
It drips down my chin,
Like a tear might,
And I’ll admit the burning pain
Created a mixture of the two.
I don’t want you to think me mad,
I am just passionately mesmerized
At this sick wonder—
Sick, as in it’s making me die.
I have a terminal disease
And this is how I cope
You wouldn’t understand my fascination
Of the death that flows inside me.

The way your eyes light up
When you smile,
They show such wonder.

I've never seen anything
Like them before,
They spark like magic.

I am a butterfly nest
That holds caterpillars of dreams
And cocoons of potential.

They'll all grow to
Beautiful butterflies
Someday, one day.

Some butterflies are gentle
They all are colorful
And others have glass shards as wings.

My heart is like an old butterfly net
That has a gaping hole torn into it;
What it catches flutters at its leisure
And leaves surely with time, or with the wind,
Leaving my heart empty and I'm sorry
That I cannot keep the bubbly-ness here.
I've been broken; I try but I'm a fool,
Holding on to something I've never held.

If only I could lock my lips shut,
Toss the key into the deepest well
And pray nobody ever finds it
So I may hide away in my hell.

Each word that leaves my tainted lips is
Drenched in a poison designed to ****;
If not ****, it'll torture you worse
Than death itself, against my own will.

I wish I exhaled an angel's breath,
My true intentions are genuine
However, there's a demon sitting
On my tongue that always seems to win.

I feel so much and I try too hard
But none of that impacts you at all.
I give you everything you ask
And everything more that I can.
You always take it for granted
Where your genuine thanks is rare
And then the heart I give to mend
Your own is just given away
To the people who destroyed yours.

You’re the kindest to everyone
But me, who is kindest to you.
I’m better off done.

"Stop, don't feel that," I think sharply;
As though I can control mind and
Heart-what a joke, it's like catching
Salt from a pile of sprinkled sand.
"I'm in love," I snide from within,
Yet the pressure boils steady
And I can't help but yearn in such
Overweighing, cold agony.
"Don't look"- my eyes dart straight to him
While the guilt overflows my chest,
Setting the butterflies ablaze,
A raging fire in this mess
That I created at first sight.
"He isn't anything you like,"
I try but I know it'll fail;
It's true but this attraction's spike
Still cuts through like a sharpened blade.
"You love him more and he loves her",
Despite the honesty it held,
The reality was ******.
He has his troubles with his love
And although feelings might be on
One side, this emotion can't be
Shaken; innocence has foregone.
Two options remain: wait and see
Or shut my eyes and feel it bleed.

The most humbling thought...
     Is realizing you'll never be loved
             As much as you love him.

My days are like never ending dreams;
I'm glad to say I'm happy to be
Alive; in such a daze, I walk in
As I watch Hell's fiery tongue
Retrieve, as my blessings sink in deep
And all my devastation resolves;
In this hectic mess, such happy ends
Must be a hoax; how can someone so
Unlucky have so many miracles?
It must be a dream: please, don't wake up.

My own affection
Has all direction
But no ability
For real correction
As it shoots straight on
To its sole target;
No time to rethink,
Just some to regret.

I have chains on all four limbs
With weights dragging me downward
While time is heaving me up
Around my torso, forward.
I am drowning in the air
And can breathe under water,
I see all the colors but
Black and white, they don’t differ.
Clarity is one vast blur,
Reason is their opinion;
I’m locked in the parallel-
Or so I think, I can’t tell.

You are such a stalker--
Or at least your ghost is;
It keeps following me
Closer than my shadow.
I feel your breath on me.
I hear it in my ears,
I just can't see it now
Since you're right behind me.

Some people would be scared,
Others at least anxious
But you'd never hurt me;
You didn't when you could.

At night in the dark halls
I swear I see a hint,
A sliver of you, quick,
As I change direction.
My memory is clear
As it haunts my present
And perhaps I see you--
Your ghost, to cope with the
Loss.

Please set me free now;
Let me go escape
Into the abyss
Of my wild daydreams
Clotted up by fact;
These chains leave bruises,
I've held it in long
And palpable thoughts
Are much sweeter than
Hard, cold, solid truth.

I rest my hand on the seat beside me
Knowing that just a few long weeks ago
You were sitting here and laughing so loud
And now you are no where in sight, just gone.

I look up at the sky and reminisce
About the peace I never knew was there
When we would simply say what's on our mind
Without filter, pure acceptance, no more.

I can't help but hum to the silent song
The warm breeze sweeps into my aching heart
As I can't help but close my eyes and think:
You're right here, you're not gone, you're listening.

This empty seat is taken by your spirit;
The silence is filled with your soothing words;
My heart is touched by your sweet memory;
I'll be okay because to me, you're here.

I open my eyes and although I know
I won't see you, I'm a little surprised
And I know you'll never truly be gone
For the pure love and the raw pain remain.

But anything is better than nothing
And I won't let go just to feel "better";
I'll just sit here and close my eyes again;
You're right here beside me when my world's dark.

I miss you and I'll do anything to have you here.

Don't you be ashamed
Of your heart of gold;
If they don't catch it,
It'll break their toes!

Death thinks of me as his daughter,
Whispering his word into my ear,
Beckoning me to prove myself
In joining him on the other side.
His arms are strong, comforting
And his presence is absolute;
He tells me he will wipe away my pain,
All of my worries and the tears
I am far too broken to shed.
He whispers that he loves me
And in a world as cold as this,
I just want to believe someone does.

She's crying glass shards,
Each drip a sharp cut in the soul;
So clear, so pure once
But never to be whole
Again.The clarity
Of the tear is invisible,
Like the living soul
Is showing pieces for visual
Representation
Of the pain it endears right now;
Broken, distraught, gone-
Left to wonder: what? why? when? please?
how?

Take a deep breath, sweet child
And soak in the fresh air that
Surrounds you, for you have time--
Though time doesn't mean a thing,
For it will all fall into place,
This life that has been fitted for you
And only you, it'll wait on you,
As you live in your very present
That has become my sweet history.

Slow down and smell the flowers
And remember that I love you.

And I bleed red
And I cry clear
As I feel warmth
And all my fear.
I watch my life
Go disappear.
And I feel loss
When you're not here.

But I know now
I'm not alone...

We all bleed red.
We all cry clear.
And we're all warm
Away from fear.
We watch our lives
Go disappear
And we feel loss
While we stay here.

We're only human.

If we were all brutally honest
From the start
Perhaps we wouldn't feel the need
To lie or hide or sugar coat
For perhaps we would
Be kinder and less sensitive
And remember we're all the same,
Condemned by human nature,
And then maybe it would be okay
To tell someone that this annoys them,
Makes them anxious or stressed,
That they are deeply in love with them
Or that their feelings changed;
If we all just said it all
Right from the beginning
It wouldn't be so foreign,
And then maybe there would be no secrets
And then there would be no regret,
Then we could all move on faster
And forgive much easier,
For we'd know to understand.

But human kind is not beginning,
We are perhaps in the end of the middle
And we are already sunk too deep
In the dependency of lies so
That the truth can never be understood
And is seen not as a solution
But as a problem;
We are too far from the start,
Where we keep secret our feelings
Of passion, hurt, and anger,
What could be action
Is replaced by what we glorify as hope;
However, hope is just a lie in itself
That somebody else's secrets lie in our favor.

You do not really love me?
I would swear this could break me,
But no-- it has set me free--
Endless possibilities;
It is truly bittersweet,
To find in your own retreat
This sweltering inner peace.
I miss you but still release;
Love lets go, it stands alone,
And it will return once grown.
If it does not, it wilts fast,
Tragic symbol of the past.
Regardless of miseries,
Thank you for the memories.

You can't have what you want
For you want it too much;
Your obsession destroys
Everything that you touch.

It's like you squeeze so tight
Until he cannot breathe;
Then he must run or die,
As you refuse relief.

It is blatant nature;
Obvious as you go
Bathe in your ignorance
And put on the same show.

The tears,  "I don't know why"
But we tell you each time:
You must love at distance,
Tone down your persistence
And love him enough so
He will not want to go.

I'm not quite sure if I'm drowning
In my own drunken state
Or in these emotions that I'm bleeding out
Simply because you're not here with me.
I'm not quite sure if I love you
Because I just can't have you
Or if I love you, in all honesty,
Because there is no one as **** beautiful as you.
I think it is the latter for
The way your soul shines from your eyes
And speaks from that shy smile,
There is nothing that can compete with you.
However, if it were the first,
Why is it that I may never have you?
It's just the way of the universe,
The way the Earth loves its Sun
Or how the moon loves its Earth,
Always around but never to touch.
I'm not sure how I can continue to hold it in
Or how I have for so long,
But even less do I know how to express this
For I'm not sure if you feel the same
Or like me at all
Or if you feel the same way and we're
Running in circles, after another,
Coughing up each other's dust.
I'm not sure why I feel like crying
When all I did was see you in the distance
And hear your name come from the mouths
Of people we both know, but do not know of us.
I'm not sure what us even is,
If I even have a right to use that word for us,
Us,
It sounds so alien
And as I say it, I question its existence.
I'm not sure of anything anymore,
Except that now the tears are brimming
And I replaced this liquor with some coffee
As I wait the night out,
Hoping for closure I must accept I'll never have.
I suppose I am most unsure of
How someone can fall in love with another
So effortlessly, like breathing,
But drown in their own tears
As that love is really poison:
Sweet, sweet poison
Settling deep down in my lungs.

Do you know what it feels like to go mad
And to know there's no way you can stop it?
For those thoughts, they race to no finish line;
You can't convince yourself it's make believe
Because it's the only reality
Your shattered mind can still some what process.

There's that-but no, this-but then-no-shut up!
My hands begin to quiver, fingers pressed
Against my temple; they slide down my cheeks,
Cold, lifeless almost, if they weren't moving
Involuntarily, out of control
Like my thoughts of utmost insanity.

How do I know I'm insane then? Because
Of the looks I get, the judgement is blunt
And I was taught better one time ago
When my brain understood some more logic.
I'm going mad, sharp breaths, desperate thoughts
I want to stop it but I just cannot.

This is what happens when mind scares the heart
And all that is left to do is escape.

How am I anything more
Than an inflated sack
Packed with meat and bones
For this monster to
Lick his lips and gnaw on?
I am the epitome of
This demon's lavish feast,
The one that whispers to me
Words that roast my mind
And he keeps on adding spice,
Waiting for the chance
To rip a chunk from my heart;
But that would be too easy,
He likes the way my tears taste
And why would he end his pleasure?
The demon plays with his food:
This is how I am devoured
By this ruthless thing I call Depression.

Some days I am so done,
I just whisper, "Bon apétite".

Why can I love two when
I may only have one?
Is the boy I am with
Just a flame that is done
Or the man I'll marry?

Is the man I have met
Just infatuation
Or is there so much more
To this situation?
These thoughts make me wary.

Out of sight, out of mind;
I am happy with both
Until I am alone
Caught between bliss and oath.
Why must it be scary?

This is not fair to me
Or to either of them;
Why can't it be simple?
My heart is split even.
Love is arbitrary.

My cheeks are burning hot;
My thoughts are stuck together,
Melted into one ball
Of tired, dwelling hope
As I think back to when
I was yours,  you were mine
And this liquor did not
Taste like a bitter cure.
Memories endlessly
Dance in my mind tonight
As we had, in silence
On that dock, to the beat
Of our young, stubborn hearts.
The sun set behind us
And I should have known it;
In denial, I guess
I saw the colors,  thought
'They are our sunrise";
I was wrong,  that's okay;
I'll burn it all away
With these sips of champagne.
I am getting dizzy
And the world is not clear-
But was it ever so?
Perhaps I see better
In this cloud of raw grief
Than I ever had with
You.

My butterflies have been set free
Yet still they linger and rest upon me,
As they can't help but watch in awe
As in my surrender, I still fall in love.
Giving up is the hardest thing to do,
Especially when it means I have to lose you.

Her hands smelt sweet
As they were clammy with sweat
And she wrapped them gently
Around my nose and mouth.
She stood behind me
Protecting me with ferocity
And I leaned in, heavy
Against her thin frame.
He was coming now,
His tall shadow cast out
By the light from the hall.
I shivered, she whispered,
“When I say go, run.”
I nodded, my body frozen
And it couldn’t have been
More than a few seconds
Until I heard her yell
And before I knew it, I was
Sprinting, abandoning her,
And I heard her scream loud,
As though she was being mauled
By a wild beast and I whimpered.

“TAG, YOU’RE IT!” he yelled.
The game was over, so
I turned around and ran back,
Only to begin another round.

Depression is everything
While feeling nothing at all;
It is the innocence of a child
In the presence of an aged soul;
It is as bitter as it is sweet,
For there are moments of joy,
Beautiful in their fleeting ways,
Always pressed under a gray sky;
It is the struggle of hope it portrays
And it is the death of our hope
That leads to suicidal tendencies.

Ruined, wrecked, broken, destroyed
Is the mind with which you toyed.
Empty, stone-cold, dead, flat-lined
Is the heart to which you lied.

"Not, it's fine," sorry will do;
I just hope next up is you.

Can we just cut to the chase?
For I already like you,
And you have my heart gripped tight,
And you’re only going
To crumble it in your fists,
And the heartbreaks are better
With less memories to sting,
Like lemon juice in a wound,
Only much worse- much, much worse.

You always called me your Queen
And said you would be my King
But in the end, I was just the Joker;
I suppose that makes you the Jack-***,
So please kiss my Ace goodbye.

You drop your promises like a porcelain cup;
Drink from it but you don't want to clean your mess up;
Well my heart was antique; an heirloom that's shattered;
Its pieces lie at your feet; not like that mattered.

Now that I'm broken, I'll always showcase the lines
That make up my scars; they'll decrease a hundred times
My value, to find a good home because I'm chipped;
And who on Earth would press those splinters to their lips?

I’ve desired you too long, oh yes
And I won’t love you anymore, no-
Not the dimples from your sweet wry smile,
Nor the way your swollen, chapped lips go;
The rough to your voice in the cool night;
Or how you’d brush your dry fingers through
That thick brown hair that sweeps your forehead;
No, I shall lose this yearning for you,
Those pastel blue eyes won’t reflect mine;
I won’t pretend your face lights up when
You see me, that we shared a moment;
Nor melt from your silly expressions.
I refuse to love the way you say
My name, all of the time, tone so warm
Or your dull laugh that adds character;
How your awkwardness to me is charm;
A simple grin from you would make my
Day; a few words could transform my week
And you made me so happy in the
Simplest ways; now I must retreat.
I’ll soon forget how you turned my heart
To bubbles, for it will be frozen;
I won’t love you anymore, oh no,
You haven’t given me a reason.
I've said this a million times but this-
This time it's for real, for I can't take
The sinking disappointment welled up
In my chest each time you hesitate.

Envy, like ivy, itches
But its rash is green, not red
And the victims affected
Are those who caused it instead.
Jealousy, like fire, burns
But its blaze is cold, not hot
And the flames spread
Inward in the heart it caught.
Resentment, spite
And bitter greed are bred
Within the veins of the
Jade blood that’s bled.
The ice cold heart plays
Tricks on its clueless host.
Jaded is the one who
Started off caring most.
No one likes a needy fool—
It’s envy’s tragic curse.
A loving angel shall be
Turned into their very worst.

Isn’t it funny how things change?
The monster I am today,
Was once the loving friend
You simply turned away.
I admit I am no saint, but I was
No sinner to you, ever.
I just couldn’t stand it when
You thought you found better.
How was I to know you
Couldn’t see that I was hurt?
I hope even now you’ll think
Back on how I at least came first.
I’m not sorry, and I don’t think
I ever could be
For you closed your eyes
And let envy take me.
The monster I am today,
Look into my eyes,
You created this person
You so fervently despise.

My eyes yearn for your face, just as
My ears long heavily your voice;
My mind craves your essence dearly,
Tormented through this lack of choice;
Why is courage not passionate
Like desire entangled by
Anxiety that erupts in
Every cell--just answer, why?
Cruel fate has imprisoned me,
Bound within joyous misery.