Take a deep breath, close my eyes, and think.
Think of something other than those tears--
Ocean water is salty wet, too
And fear, yes, like on roller coasters;
The adrenaline pumping inside
That nothing can match; it lets me fly.
And those strange thoughts, just silly nightmares.
And as I tremble, it's a snow day
When I was six, making snow angels.
Just think, okay, think real hard about
All the places you've been happy at
And maybe then I can be happy
Again, or at least pretend I am.
Let me let myself be anywhere
Else from here and this heartbreaking scene.

I scream it in my mind so loud,
I whisper it under my breath;
I hold it in with all my strength,
I feel it clawing me to death;
I feel it all: the sadness burns,
The happiness swells, frustration
Tears at my insides, while bliss floats
Above me with hesitation.
Curiosity consumes me
And then is swallowed by my fears
While I wish to surrender but
The simple thought brings me to tears.
It's a broken soul within me
Standing in the rain just laughing
At this madhouse where there is not
Much solace in just anything.

You cross my mind most of the time
And when you don't,
I somehow feel lonely in my thoughts.
Although I'll never call you mine,
Your potential warms me
Like the summer you are
And the reality of the even chance
Cuts me in half, dead even,
Until I realize my chances sink deep
Within my hesitation
As I crumble
And I just need
To be that tiny piece you hold onto.

Oh, hell--I just love you.

I find no comfort in simple words,
I’ve heard too many lies for that.
Even actions I always question
For ulterior motives always act.
Say you love me, let me feel it;
It’s a challenge, I understand.
But let me know I’m worth it
For real love should withstand
All obstacles—wipe my tears,
Heal my pain, make me whole
When I’m incomplete—yet
With you, my hungry soul
Is empty, parched, in need
Of something genuine at last.
Please, I can’t help but believe
Our future’s in my past.
I fear we may have turned,
In our hesitation, obsolete,
What will it take for you
To feed me something concrete?

I give up now
I surrender
To my heartache;
I remember
All those moments
When I first fell
From heaven's bliss
To this new hell;
Still remember
Those tempting lies,
Those sweet kisses
And now goodbye...
I can't forget-
I won't forget-
Want to forget
For I regret,
But this is real
And now it's done
And here I stand
Back in the sun.
The light so bright,
The air too calm,
A lack of pain;
My empty palm,
No hand to hold,
No one to fight;
It feels so wrong
To be this right.

Education, they say
Sets free the mind
Only it has, ironically
Imprisoned mine.
I have lost my heart
Somewhere on this path,
Leaving my mind
Alone, in wrath
As it struggles to
One day forgive itself,
Then comes to dwindle
Through grief; it wilts.

You ask me to prove the love I feel.
I cannot prove to you the love I feel
If you do not feel it on your own.
I can show you lust through kisses and soft touch,
As I can show attention through remembering little things.
I can show care through holding your hand as you heal and
Support as I wipe your slippery tears from your marble cheeks.
I can show many things that are mistaken as love
But that does not guarantee the everlasting sentiment,
The one that is given in its true definition, at least in my opinion.
Especially since it is my love you ask for,
I simply cannot prove to you the love I feel
For if there was real connection, the message would get through
Since the network of my love is connected like our souls,
Through invisible heart strings from the heart of our love
That relays the affection, an impact that cannot be missed.
If it was there, you couldn’t miss it.
So now I ask, is my love coming through?

You love in a way I cannot;
You just love the idea of it,
Not the partner you think you do
And my reasons are quite concrete;
You cannot end a toxic flame
That is burning you to the bone
Until there is another man
Lined up, or he leaves you alone
On his own terms; then you panic.
You jump to the next man you find
That is handsome and popular,
Not keeping character in mind.
It is all for show, but for whom?
I see through your silly facade
And I pity you as I can't
Fathom to ever once applaud
Such mindless need for disaster,
For he never does any good
And all you're left with is worry;
Of tragedy, 'tis your prelude
For you never listen to me
And hear only what you wish to;
I could never love in such ways;
Surrender myself as you do?
I'd rather never love to start
If I was quite as frail in heart.

Why is it that the one who loves you most
Is always the one who can hurt you best?
You heal me like no other, yet inflict wounds
So deep, they don’t compare to the rest.
Your electric touch shocks me back to life
While your magnetic kiss draws me in.
The power rushes through my blood;
I’m an addict to your sweet medicine.
In exchange for my forgiveness, come
On and take me over, for I surrender
To my desire; I need your love more than
I care to have shared you once with her.

I must have thought I saw forever
Gleam in your lovely crystal blue eyes;
I must have not seen rolled on your tongue
The only words were words of goodbye.
Your eyes reflected mine perfectly
So perhaps I saw my desire
Staring right back and hoped it was yours;
Maybe I'm the one who's the liar.

My mind is light as a feather,
Swayed by a gentle breeze
But my heart is so heavy,
It makes it hard to breathe.

From thoughts to heartstrings,
One soars while the other sinks.

Memories flood my mind and
As they run, my tears do, too;
The flashing of images
Is the lightning coming through
And the pounding in my head
Is the thunder ready to
Explode as my tears rain down;
My clear skies and sun were you.

When I first see your face, my emotions
Pile up at the edge of my surface
Like a rain drop, and when our eyes meet
They take off rapidly, as though a race
And splash to the ground, scattering into
Millions of pieces, as my heart will when
My mind steps in and chills the warmth you gave,
For you look away and continue then
With the happy life you lead, where I don’t
Belong, while in my thoughts I have this world
That’s built around the moment we come clean
About these vicious feelings that have blurred
The authenticity of our short
Encounters and that you could feel the same,
For I know in truth you must just be kind
And mutual affection is insane.

I lie to myself all of the time and
To be honest, I am not quite sure why
Because occasionally they whisper
What I need to hear and wish to deny
But mostly, they spread doubt and fear as I
Start to question it all, life itself and
They fill me with just enough hope to keep
Me breathing, choking me with just one hand
While the other strokes my hair, endearing;
I feel overwhelmed in my perception,
Jaded by the truth as I'm burned by each
Question, sinking further in deception,
I tell myself it should be possible
Only to go and tarnish it fully
With every reason it will never
Happen, while my chance is fifty-fifty.

I'll wear my lipstick just a little bit brighter,
Do my hair real nice,
Soft, long, and free,
I'll draw on my eyeliner as a perfect line,
A stroke of vivid black,
With a perfect wing,
Just like the ones I grew to fly away from here.

Maybe when I'm gone, I'll be pretty enough.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll be able to think back.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll remember me.
Or maybe, when I'm gone, you'll just forget.

Never trust a photograph;
That smile is nothing but posed;
Those eyes hide much pain and tears;
One cannot see behind closed
Doors and for the many years
Of life beyond that sly face
Is the soul that fell from grace.

I am disgusted with myself
For inexplicably catching feelings
For someone I would never
Logically fall so hard for.
I must have left my heart open
And vulnerable and I'm sorry.
I hereby demand you leave my heart,
This is your eviction notice,
You have twenty four hours
To pack up and go and don't forget
To leave the key behind.

Please.

I'm begging.

This makes so little sense,
It is utterly maddening.
How could this happen to me?

Take a deep breath and let those bitter sweet thoughts
Just drizzle in, like soft rain kissing your cheek;
As tears flow seamlessly uninterrupted
From your closed eyes, you let all your limbs turn weak;
Tune out all that surrounds you and listen close
To the drumming noise and feel the vibrations
Of your heart as it beats its powerful pulse
Through your feeble body, no hesitation;
That beat is what fights for you more than anything,
That wants nothing but your life and never stops;
It never takes a break or doubts its duty,
Yet here you thought that nothing loves you enough.
You thought you could just end it and hurt no one
While your heart keeps beating, for it disagrees;
Every cell in your body loves you, needs you
Only one harsh thought can’t see what the rest sees.

I look around
In this crowded place
And my eyes fall on you,
Just simple you,
And it dawns on me:
Somebody loves you.

Yes, somebody loves you
And to them you are not simple
But blissfully grand
And lovely and perfect,
But not to me
And that's really okay.

To me, you are a cold stranger,
With sunken eyes
I know not the color of
With a nervous tapping habit
Who chews a little loud
And needs to use chap stick.

But to me, there is a warm love,
With gleaming blue eyes
Too beautiful for you to understand,
Who drums his fingers in grace
As he chews on the cookies I baked,
Using his kissable lips.

If you saw him,
You could never see what I see,
Like I can never see what they see
In you.
We can't see it in ourselves either,
But to the one it is always clear.

Each and every single one of your smiles--
The smooth ones, the crooked ones,
The funny ones you make before you laugh--
Oh, especially those--
Or the ones you make when you're tired
And the ones that show your teeth,
Along with, of course, the ones you give
When you respond to the smiles I make--
Yes, all of these smiles
Light up my darkest nights
With beautiful shimmering stars.

Not to mention, when that smile turns into a kiss?
Well then, those smiles transform into the Northern Lights;
You are a galaxy much sweeter than the Milky Way.

You're my perfect little distraction
Not more, for there is no reaction
As you move on in your silly life;
I mean, I don't want to be your wife
Nor anything else tied to your name
For I am not yours nor will I be.
Just a game we play, just words, you see,
Your lips aren't kissable but I
Must confess, your mind I can't deny.
We toy with notions that we could gain
Something out of our bold flirtations
Yet it is all preoccupation
As we both bustle around, away
And keep other sentiments at bay
By clouding them with this silly game.

With no strings attached, none can judge us
And it's one act I don't have to trust.
I can take a deep breath, spill my thoughts
And leave unscathed when it all just rots.

I had always thought it was a matter of time
But in reality, it was a matter of heart
And your heart just never beat the same as mine
And I suppose it never will catch up.

How does one gain the experience they require
Without being given the chance to acquire such?
Why do we live in the shadows of our parents
As the opportunities they gave us, little or much
Give us the only experience we need to gain
Permission to earn the chance of real experience,
The type that actually matters to others?
For when I was caught in the ignorance of my innocence
No one told me to volunteer, do sports, oh no—
It was all grades, grades, grades, which I performed
But then as for this "experience", I’ve got nothing to show.
My parents thought they were loving me dearly,
Sheltering me from the outside world of salaries longer,
Not seeing that no one cares I wasn’t allowed to work
So young, but that my resume ought to be stronger.
I pursue to be sweet, polite, studious, hard working,
As I try to be sensible and ambitious in all I do
But in this paper competition, it is not conveyed
For I have no dates or references to give as clues.

Perhaps your duty in my life
Was to serve as a stepping stone
Between the love I leave behind
And the one that has yet to grow.
Perhaps you were meant to tempt me
From this oncoming disaster
But push me far enough away
Into the arms of my soul mate.
Maybe I should be thanking you
For this disappointment I feel
But I know that in the moment
I just wish I was in your arms.

I suppose I might have hoped
That we would bloom from nothing
Like a phoenix does from ash;
Wild imagination
Might be to blame, or perhaps
A heart- a flaming heart, filled
Of dreams that you encompass;
False memories of laughter,
Embraces, adventure, love...
I hoped for what I believed
But like a phoenix, such thought
Could only be true in dreams;
There is not much magic left
In the dimming eyes of Earth,
But if any is to spare,
Spare me the pain of letting
*Go.

I find it strange when I look at photographs
And find one of you and me and where we smile
To think once there were butterflies rushing wild
Now I can't even recognize my own face
I see the resemblance, but she is ugly
I can't recall your lips nor do I wish to
Let alone your touch, your smell, your voice, nor proof...
Of why I should ever have liked you at all.

Now I know his scent, his strength, his kiss, his love
And I hear his words say my name and I smile
We have our own photographs now, a real stack
And I skip to those and I see myself there
And I know I am beautiful; I belong.

Your laugh filled the void in the room,
The sweetest sound to bless my ears
And I remember that shy smile;
You were so happy, those few years.

Oh yes, and when you got angry,
Which we all know you did plenty
You were Medusa- looks could ****;
Your passion never did empty.

You were always so proud of me
But always kept pushing further,
As though you knew things we didn't
And I thank you for that each day...

Each day, I live without you now;
Each day, I think of you somehow;
I hope that if you can see me here
You'd be proud like you said you'd be.

I miss you.

I wish I could capture my happiness
In these words that I write
In the ways that I lock away
My sorrows, always ready to resurface.

Yet these happy moments
Are fleeting and never look back
While my sadness is my friend,
Always waiting in the shadows.

Joy is a runaway
I can never catch.

Stressed, blank inside, hurt,
Broken but breathing,
Here to feel the pain
That's not retreating.
Never felt so dead
And alive at once;
I did not expect
To lose our romance
But here we are on
The same page again,
Just to see the end
From where we first began.

There is no touch, but sound and no taste, but sight
And I can catch a fleeting whiff of your scent
As you pass by me, trading it for my breath
That you steal, just like all of the unpaid rent
In my mind, the millions of thoughts you engage,
Your voice louder than any words on a page.

Who would have thought
Freedom tastes so sweet?
I clung so hard to a future
We'd never live to see

And as time moves on without us
I know it's for the best
For with every mile between us,
My heart beats more at rest

Our love was the eye of a storm
Swirling in the midst of chaos
But our minds fooled us both
With memories of what was

But what was lives in the past
And even there, it's twisted
Morphed from desperate prayers
And our wasted wishes

The past rots in our lingering thoughts,
Subtle yet present forevermore;
Yet still, I'll keep the lock on tight;
Never again will I reopen this door.

All I am is a number
On a computer screen,
Three point seven nine,
Slowly going down
And all you are
Is a can of cheap beer
That you chug, chug, chug
Just to break my heart,
It seems.
You think I’m a criminal
But I said no to the cigarette,
I said no to the drugs,
I said no to the shady crowd
And I hang on to a boy
Who treats me like you treat me
Sweet when I behave
But never going out of his way
Since I’m not worth it
And I treat him
The way I treat you
With hopeful, bright eyes
Lying to myself
Maybe tomorrow
He’ll love me.

I run as fast as I can--
From myself,
From my anxiety,
From my depression,
From the voices,
From the guilt,
From you.
Yet every corner I turn,
There are the feelings--
Of self-deprecation,
Of fear,
Of apathy,
Of frustration,
Of judgement,
Of my heart breaking.
When I finally let go,
There you are
And when you're gone
There come the rest.
I am caught in a web
With more predators than prey,
And I am ripped into pieces
That will never satiate them,
Nor you--especially you.

You make me glad,
He makes me smile.
You make me laugh
And so does he.
You keep me safe,
I feel secure.
And what he says
Makes me bubble.
For I'm with you
But not with him,
I feel happy
As I do sad.
I am split in
Two even halves;
If only I
Could give you each
A piece of me
But faithfully.

There's nothing like the impending new year
Than to make you realize
How far you've come
Forward or backward
Or perhaps you didn't move at all,
Stuck on square one.

I always thought we stayed in one place
A few steps closer
Until a sudden pang,
Sent us flying back
All the way to square one;
I've realized I was wrong.

Square one was just a single step back
To refocus,
We've grown so close,
Only like a spiral,
Circling further and further in,
All to one center.

Reflecting now, we are truly the same
For we do not attack straight on,
Like a line;
Instead, we are cautious,
Handling what's precious
In careful hands.

What feels like square one and a step
Is more like an ocean we've crossed;
Patience is the key to a treasure chest
And maybe, we just hit land;
Now it's time to pace (ourselves)
And follow the maps drawn on our hearts.

Lips light pink and soft, like petals to a rose
And eyes that glitter in the light of the room;
Accompanied with a simple smile so warm
It boils ice; that is how my flower blooms.

Water it with each beat of my pumping heart
As the bubbly heat within my chest shines down;
The elements of my compassion serve as
Rich soil; that is how I grow the seed I've sown.

The truest beauty lies in bonds we live for;
I could never wisely ask for anymore
Than you.

Who needs a garden when I have one flower that is priceless?

Your ghost haunts every word,
A vivid memory flashing before me
As I read each line, one by one
And I'm overcome by your spirit;
You still stand there, in the flesh,
Still able to be touched but too far,
As that gleam in your eye dwindles
And all I truly see is a stranger;
Yet in those lines of poetry, you live on--
You live as you've always lived
And continue to live in my memories;
Moments of laughter, moments of doubt,
Moments of flirtatious awkwardness,
And as I'm haunted by the past
Which lives on in my scribbled notepad,
I can't help but wonder if what I felt
Was actually ever alive to start with.

In my mind
It's pouring rain
And my conscience is
This young yet worn out man
Who stands there, idly getting drenched
And as he ponders the irony of this cruel world,
He turns mad and is overcome by a crazy fit of laughter.

This "crazy" man finally came to the biggest question:
What's the meaning of it all?
He realized the answer pretty quick:
Nothing at effing all.
Yet here he is, in his empty vessel
That I call "me"
And all that's left to do in this storm
Is for him to stand there, being pelted by rain,
Letting his head fall back and laughing loud with the thunder.

Close your eyes, b r e a t h e, make a wish, and blow--
release the seeds of your dreams and let them g r o w
wild, like weeds... unappreciated by those who
don't understand them but resilient and persistent
for those who know how to handle them.