I am the man I am today,
From all the experience I've gained
The lies I made, the cards I played
Watch it all burn around an Ace of Spades

And as I fumble with the match,
My life like flashbacks flashes past
The days I cried, the days I died
Clawing, tearing my insides

I, know that I can't run and hide,
Knowing that, even if i tried
Nothing will be better when I take a peek
Because it's all uncertain, and all left to me

And I, am not satisfied
With the anger we feel and the rage we defy
Why, is it so hard to see
That we're caught in a landslide, an avalanche of debris

Some days, I lay on the ground
And stretch my hands up without making a sound
Reach for the sky, but there's no prize
All hope is lost and I've lost all my pride

Insane, is the only way
That normality fades, and only you change
You've got more control, as we rise and we fall
Being crazy is the only way to stay sane...

I, know that I can't run and hide,
Knowing that, even if i tried
Nothing will be better when I take a peek
Because it's all uncertain, and all left to me

And I, am not satisfied
With the anger we feel and the rage we defy
Why, is it so hard to see
That we're caught in a landslide, an avalanche of debris

There were times in my life
Where I was satisfied with the world
Now it’s different
Because all it seems to give me is hurt

A void in my chest,
Filled with nothing but emptiness
The same sensation I feel when I’m asleep
Or when I try to rest

It’s hard feeling positive when this life’s against you
It seems all it wants to do is grind you up, best you
Bless you,
You’re probably far better off
Got the dreams and inspiration that keeps you going and you can’t stop

So don’t
Don’t ever lose your faith
Because when you do you start to question
Your position in the human race

What am I good for,
Am I just for entertainment?
If that’s so, then why the
Element of overwhelming sadness?

I’m not scared, in fact,
Far from it
But it’s just sometimes I struggle
To cope with this ****

I deal with it alone
Gunslinging my way through
Drawing pistols, shots firing
Not enough bullets and I’m *******

I tried pistol-whipping my problems
But I couldn’t
If you’re down on your defenses then
You probably shouldn’t

Call for backup and extra munition
Do it quick and do it soon
Because I left it far too late
And sometimes I feel like I’m doomed

I hate feeling so down
But it’s all I have, a shroud around
Someone who questionably doesn’t deserve
To feel a pain so hard, to be quite so hurt

To feel this **** mad, or to be this **** sad
Is the one consistent thing in life that I’ve ever had
It makes me stop at times, and question my existence
But if this happens to you, shrug it off, be strong in your persistence

Talking helps to solve things
It helps to make me feel pure
It makes me feel good then
Doesn’t last long, it’s no cure

I do try to make it work,
But negativity puts in twice the effort
I was never positive to begin with
So I get twice the hurt

Sadness I can deal with
Because I can make it fade
All I need is a good song
On a cloudy, rainy day

I sing along to sad tunes
And let myself cry it all out
Afterwards I feel a bit better
And my eyes are in drought

So I go outside and smack my bag
The punching bag I have
I like to picture hated faces
When I’m feeling mad

I frame them for my anger
Because they made me go deeply through
And I hate being mad, I’d rather be sad
Is it the same for you?

I called out for help, took half a year to get
But better late than never whenever I feel really upset
I just write a little rhyme, a crazy song a bit like this
It helps at times when I look back and strongly reminisce

Other times it makes it worse, some things you should forget
And when I look back on them I drown in my regret
Some things I should’ve said, others maybe not
But at least I’m not like my other friends who blaze it away with ***

****, where’d that come from?
A well deep down that holds all the **** in this world that I know is wrong?
Sometimes I think that maybe I’m floating at the top
But my psychologist doesn’t agree, whenever I say that she makes me stop

It’s only a voice called Nightmare, my persistent inner critic
Who criticizes my every move, likes to make me feel like ****
He feeds off it, an inner demon set to self-destruct
Telling me everything I do is wrong, that it’s not just the world that’s ******

And I listen, but why should I?
When he asks me to Google tying nooses so I can just ******* die
And it’s only because, sometimes I feel I want to
But don’t listen to these voices, don’t want this to happen to you

I wanna write a goodbye letter sometime, just to have it there
Because if there’s something that makes me scared it’s seeing a loved one’s tear
So if I’m not there, perhaps it’ll make me feel better
I get told I can’t die, but never say never

Humanity has mortality and a lack of morality
Perhaps we all crazy too, a little lack of sanity
But just know, no matter what happens it’s reality
And you should always see the best in whatever is happening

I know I can’t, or at least I can’t yet
Those things I mentioned before, that drown me in regret?
That’s a part of my world, a part of my experience
**** it, what I’m saying is this **** is our existence

I hate feeling so down
But it’s all I have, a shroud around
Someone who questionably doesn’t deserve
To feel a pain so hard, to be quite so hurt

To feel this **** mad, or to be this **** sad
Is the one consistent thing in life that I’ve ever had
It makes me stop at times, and question my existence
But if this happens to you, shrug it off, be strong in your persistence

I hate my Dad sometimes, he makes me really ******
He has PTSD, takes it out on me and gets away with it
I mean, my step mum moved out, she saw it happen clearly
Did anybody stop and take time to perhaps think of me?

No? Just another waste of time?
A bad investment, a depression that took form and left its basement?
**** it all, I never helped anyone
That’s Nightmare for you, I listen to him when I write songs

He gives me inspiration in a way I guess I feed off him
But it can be difficult sometimes, to let him loose because he slips
Up and takes me down, ironically it’s why I’m writing now
To show you all that if you hear him, don’t listen to the sound

Of a desperate voice in desperate times, let him just die
Don’t even try to talk to him, give up let him cry
Don’t feel bad afterwards, it isn’t ******
It’s survival of the fittest  and he’ll eventually wanna hurt her

You got a special someone don’t you? He wants their soul
He will play any card to get a chance to devour them whole
So don’t stop, keep your dreams
And let those pesky Nightmares slip by unseen

I hate feeling so down
But it’s all I have, a shroud around
Someone who questionably doesn’t deserve
To feel a pain so hard, to be quite so hurt

To feel this **** mad, or to be this **** sad
Is the one consistent thing in life that I’ve ever had
It makes me stop at times, and question my existence
But if this happens to you, shrug it off, be strong in your persistence


It may make you stop at times, and question your existence
But if this should happen to you, move along, be strong in your persistence

*Where I can't

Care to share,
Dare to bear
The weight of this world
That isn't there?

Could you raise your voice
Above the sounds of war
Of bloodshed, of hatred
And with your words shake the world?

Could you believe someone
Who says what you cannot do?
They don't know you, only you know you
So do whatever the f_ck you wanna do

Some may say poetry is a dying art
A pointless waste of time
But they don't know what we know
Emotions riddling this art of rhyme

And that's mostly what this is about
The expression of ones' mind
So leave those wars and hatred
Raise your voice in tales of those left behind

It's hard to tell your friends when you're feeling pretty bad
And elaborate on the situations that have made you sad
It's even harder to tell my Father just yesterday I felt like dying
Yet flawlessly and effortlessly I can tell my Psychologist without trying

It's ****** isn't it? That I trust a stranger more than the family
I grew up with, lived with, the worst parts of a better me
Some days I look around and ask myself if I am proud of
What I have achieved and whether or not it is enough

Satisfaction from the parts where I know I've done well
Disappointment at the aspects that will **** me straight to Hell
So I question life, I wield a knife, makes me so depressed I self-harm
So now you know why I bear the scars, up and down my arm

It went like this:

Wouldn't talk, not even about my problems
There were so many options to help me solve them
But I missed them all, blinded by hurt
A hurt I didn't welcome, a hurt I didn't deserve

Bullied by kids with bigger problems than mine
So I came up with my own helpful design
I'd cause my own pain, over and over again
Because, after all, no pain no gain

But all I gained was a real bad habit
A real bad habit that stopped me feeling like ****
So I thought it was good, I mean cuts heal
But they heal into scars, not part of the deal

I just wanted something I could handle
But now, unfortunately, they became visible
Questions, questions, from family and friends
I though, Oh God, does it never end?

And guess what?
I still said nothing
Now look at me
Three hundred turns of the cycle later
Now I'mma see a psych and be a fixed psych-o

There was a kid, he sat by himself
In classes he never spoke nor asked for help
He'd sit up the front, all quiet and calm
He never once did anything to hurt anyone

He just did his work, only spoke when spoken to
I'd see him alone in the courtyard, he never ate his food
Recess or lunch would swing by, he'd listen to music
And every day I saw him there so I got used to it

Then come one Lunch, he wasn't there
I pretended not to care but deep down I was scared
Because in the lesson before some kids were talking tall
About how they'd sort him out by setting him up to fall

And by God I was shaking, I was fucken nervous
He was just a quiet guy you don't need to hurt him
He never did wrong he was just around
I jumped when I heard him scream by Christ it was loud!

I ran into the amphitheatre and all the kids were screaming
He was mangled on the ground and **** was he bleeding
He looks across with fading eyes, says "help please"
I had to look away as I fell to my knees

He's looking hopefully
He's looking up to me
I look up at the shocked faces like
"You ******* happy? Answer me!
How the **** was I so blind to not see this happening?
All you ever spoke about was hurting him and killing me!

Now the tides have turned! You ******* killed him
You better run now before the darkness hunts down your sin!"
I look down again, he has a smile of hope
"Thank you for holding up the Bro Code"

Then his hand falls, it lays on his chest
And I'm not sure who's more dead, coz I got no breath
The sirens scream as loud as the kids fleeing
And all I remember was six shots and fucken running

My brother on the ground, burned into my mind
And it haunts me to this day that I left him behind
But I gottem back, made them join him
So he can get em back and start bashing

I could fly like the Phoenix I'm supposed to be,
At cloud height, Cloud Nine, see everything
Were it not for the ropes that hold me down
Were it not for the bloodlust, torturous sounds
Were it not for the voices in my head
That sometimes make me wish I were dead

And maybe if I wasn't so critical
Or perhaps just a little less hypocritical
Were it not for the need to be OCPD
Straighten everything, as straight as can be

Checking my back because I'm paranoid,
That someone will appear, push me in the void
And I would swirl and spin, forever trapped
With all lights off, and no time to clap

That I would be that man, the one in black
Who would self-indulge in a self-aimed attack
Who would one day slit an artery, and just lay there
And with open eyes, unseeing, continue to stare

Glaring at the world that held him down
Glaring at the grey sky that never helped him out
Angry in death at those who tormented him, bullies
Maybe I could fly were it not for these,

Things

Can't you see
You're smothering
My warming fire?

I love you
And I am proof
Filled with desire

I just wanna let go
Be the fire that melts the snow
Surrounding, your heart
And be your welcoming hearth

<3

Rollin up at school
Mates and I loving to fool
Graffiti on the walls
Bullies decking the halls
An out-of-place Christmas
Dis this ***** I'll dish licks for spits
Revenge counteracted and counters counteract
Mother ******* follow law of Chemistry: react
And that's that, it's a fact
Evil reigns supreme
I'm evil too yet Devils be
Hating on me
You see?

There's no justice just depression
No real law just suppression
It's hard to imagine
That a devils invention
Is invested in protection
Law
And Order for Chaos
Does it work?
Nope
I walk down the street see six ******* blazing dope
Walk into school toilets and herb is in the air
******* blow smoke in teachers ears
They don't care
There's no prayer to save those so gone
The world is a cruel place and erases those when they are alone

So we band together
Rule of strength and defence
Is for us altogether
Never sharing secrets in our minds we be keeping
We stay awake to 8 past 8 in the morning, no sleeping
No rest for the wicked
I guess I'm just sick of *******
Because every lyric I spit
Falls ******* deaf ears
Still listening?

I reminisce blue skies
That I see through crystal clear tears
No solution or absolution to resolve this malicious premonition
The worlds in despair
No repair
Disrepair
Fire flashing embers swirl and smoke is in the air

We destroy and conquer and thrive off death
Fighting others killing hope until we pass our final breath
If this is a test
God we failed
Eons ago
I'd like to rest peacefully now
If you don't mind
I just want you to know
Action brings reaction, reaction brings pain
Don't question the truth
It's ruthless but we ****** in the brain
Insane
Now if you don't mind
I got business to attend to
And a brand new life to find
Or a new rap to recite

We're doomed, we failed,
Good didn't prevail
Evil conquered long ago
And sanity set sail

To somewhere better,
Perhaps another land
Maybe there peace and hope
Is something people understand

And prosper from it

I don't seem to fit in
"Be yourself" they said
So of course I rebelled.

I tried being the cool kid
Ahaha, what a laugh that was
Try being confident after years of being nervous?
Yeah, it was a bit of a wreck

I tried being silent
But I would always speak out of turn...
It takes great sadness to shut me up
It seems..

I tried being tough
Despite my height,
Nobody believes you if you ain't packing a six-pack

I tried to isolate myself
But my soul longed for company
So much that it began to even annoy me

So eventually I tried being myself
I have lots of "friends", people who only care about my losses but never share my wins.
Some close friends.... at times it feels as though they don't exist
It seems to me that being a "creep", "******" and "stalker"....
Well, they seem to be who I am.
Don't mind me sobbing in the corner

I'm just being myself

I realise there are more than two
Types of bullets, and pain you get put through
Mental, physical, emotional and social
Many different types, and many different pains
From a couple of minutes to days and days

Light breaks
A hand breaks through
Pulls me out

I know these hands.
These hands were the ones
That clapped
So why did you
Of all people
Rescue the one you
Condemned?

Demons and angels,
Fight for what is right
You may say that one is wrong
But the lights do shine so bright

If a demon is of darkness,
And an angel to it's opposite
Then who is really incorrect
When it gets down to it?

Both sides fight for what they believe in
Stereotypes don't dictate correctness
I could be a demon
And you may agree with my arguments

It's all just opinion,
And a strong sense of belief
To the point it overwhelms you
And become afraid of deceit

*Just two sides of the same coin....

My Father said,
“Sometimes, Conor, you talk too much
And talk too little.”

I’ll let you figure that out on your own
So here I go:

I started off as shy
Didn’t like to meet people’s eyes
I was floating in the skies
So when I dropped I was surprised

I began to talk more,
Sometimes I just don’t shut up
There’s so much I have to say
But of time there’s not enough

My Primary years were years of torture
Those twisted words a killer
“Stupid. *****. ******. Loser”
I shut my eyes and mouth, head down, just kept cruising
Hoping. Praying
That someone would maybe save me

But I was unlucky
No-one came to rescue me
So pretty soon I hated the world that surrounded me
A father gone, overseas, fighting a war.
Because when it comes to family, some things are worth dying for.

Well pretty soon after, I wanted to die
When I found out that I wasn’t quite alright
My difference wasn’t me just being a shy guy
That untroubled dragon, unburdened, flying in the sky

Because I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of eight
Chance hated me, it seemed, and so too did fate
Adding fuel to the fire, an internal pyre
That consumed me, hungrily, leaving me broken and tired

So my innocence was ignorance
You can tell by the evidence
I wanted an exit
Another way I could end this

Years down the track, and who am I now?
Am I that joker you thought I was, head up and proud?
The friend to the friendless, my speech is just endless
But at the end of the day I’m only pretending

Because I’m not okay, I’m a broken part
To a greater whole of some use, just needing a kick-start
My friends and family, you see, they disagree with me
Saying worn is not broken, and either way it isn’t easy

It hasn’t been easy, torn by the truth
And mocked for my teeth, hit at times, left bruised
Sticks and stones may break my bones and all that other ****
By words hit hard too and at times it’s hard to deal with it

Now I don’t seek attention, just tried to let them know
That I was struggling and there were some things I couldn’t let go
From the first time I was called “Bucky” to the handle of a blade
I wanted to tear apart all the **** they had made

So I started hacking away at myself
Trying to find a better someone else
The answer lies not in blood spilled, or the steel used to slash through
But in your mind hides a better you, a person with a better view

It just takes time to uncover
The century’s best discover
An artefact, buried, hidden, within your soul
Just clear your problems
Try and solve them
And you’ll be whole

“Sometimes, Conor,
You talk too much
And talk too little”

Do you understand?

To Speak of the Future....

Conor Blatchford:
The future isn't clear,
Don't assume failure is near
For the future is uncertain
So to speak, an Iron Curtain

Hidden agenda:
The question was 'To be or not to be?'
Even Shakespeare had a glimpse of doubt ,
For when he wrote a word of sea,
He always found a way to swim out.

So me calling myself a failure is a premonition,
On a future event so far in the distance,
That if I did succeed it would be a mere addition.
To lose is to win in such a cruel existence.

Example if your claiming victory,
Should you achieve it , you may bask in glory.
Yet if you don't achieve it, you have failed.
Then that would have been ship set sailed.

Conor Blatchford:
Ship set sailed it may be,
But failure remains unclear to see
No matter how hard ones tries,
Future sight-seeing is usually lies

Usually

Hidden agenda:
The green light is dimming and the orgastic future is gone,
Yet I still stretch my arms and carry on.
Simple as is , I know a failure to be made,
But I'm still working in hopes of getting paid.

Conor Blatchford:
Failure is always destined to be,
Yet mostly
Impossible to see

You wish to be paid from your mistake?
The only thing failure can rake
Is misery; emotion's most deadly snake

A snake with fangs
That does bite
Whence you give in
To this devilish sprite

You will lose
All you had
And never gain
What you desire so bad

If failure is certain,
Then so to is victory
Yet both continually
Elude me
This is the future
That I think I see

As I fumble with these pieces,
Struggling to sort it
Fit it all together,
Medicine to make it better
Treasure lost forever,
An unnamed, un-posted letter

Searching for something
A reason, a purpose
In my bed, turning
Nervousness and stomach churning

Heart burning
Mind learning
Pressing forward, experimenting
Hidden facts presenting

A purpose to live
And a purpose to die
A purpose to tell a person
Everything will be alright!

A flash, a crack,
Twirling smoke
Sharp smell of powder
On the fume, slight choke

A flick, a twirl,
A clinking sound
Empty shells
Upon the ground

Don't even try
I'm locked and loaded

When your world crumbles
And your feet stumble
With my words and ways
I will help to piece it all together

A whisper of green,
A show of scale
Flickering tongue,
And whiplash tail

A facade fixed upon your face
Oh how you blend in with us, human race
The one thing that really gives you away
Is the toxins running through my veins

Mist-minded, clouded thoughts
Can't seem to focus, or keep rapport
Importance is relevant, irrelevant I dwell
In this cartography, well-drawn Hell

Zipped up lips, verbiage tripped
The spoken, delivery, edge unclipped
Harsh and cold, worn limestone
Regardless of polish, I'm overgrown

What feels real is this heart of steel
All else surrounds, of fabric, of gown
Dressed up nice to masquerade
False-tipped smiles, dead parade.

The forge burns true, just underneath
My love, my Sun, I shall bequeath
Hardened and cold, aftermath of the craft
Add a little heat and reveal my heart.

They ask me about my poetry
Done with ease
So easily
Like stars align; astrology
Coded into chemistry
It's basically
Biology
Like a limb;
A part of me
Crackling with energy
Electrical and synergy
Working together like a team
My heart and mind combined
To find that sign, in time
Make poetry!

The things that I’ve been told,
And all the lies that spread
The rumours I watch unfold
Let torture claim my head

To open who I am
A lock that gleams so cold
To end where I began
To sell before I’m sold

A tragedy unfolds
Not all that gleams is gold
My actions deemed as bold
My habits have grown old

Tiring of this life
Aged before my time
I wish to say goodbye
Unlock a deep bloodline

The dark drowns the light
And the light no longer shines
The key, it gleams so bright
And now I bid goodbye

My sister asked how I got my scars
That run half the length of my lower left arm
Casually, almost offhand, I asked her why
"If I had cuts like that I'd cry"

"Well little sister, perhaps it's best
If I lay your mind to rest
And say that I was not okay during this time
And we should focus on the present rather than what is behind"

She was satisfied with this, but I was not
My heart burst so hard, like I was shot
I want to protect her from this torturous truth
That "I was not okay" and was tempted to try the noose

More like the knife, I even had a plan
Yet I'm better now, I don't understand
Just like my little sister, things confuse me
Like what's in my head and what is reality

If we could wish ourselves away,
How many stars would be left to shine,
And how many would fade?

Hands turning white, clasped in prayer
Eyes closed tears flow where's her saviour?

Got a bad case of Old Mans Blues
Too young to feel like this, but what's my use?
Pining for a love that will never be mine,
And you wonder why I lie when you ask are you alright?
I'm not alright! I'm not fine! Why do I answer when I'm always lying!
Death defying but don't feel alive! Like something deep down has given up the fight!

I wanna scream! Just let me end
I wish to not exist, no point in pretence
Nothing is okay, everything's just the same
I wish I could fade so that no one, no one knows my name...

Let's burn it all, I'll ignite the fire
Just watch the smoke rise, higher and higher
Suffocate on the these toxic fumes
Skin bubbles and blisters, strained under abuse

It's almost time, can you feel it now?
The monster inside has finally devoured
Licks his lips and gnaws the bones...
Why am I always so cold, and so alone...?

Imagine we could wish ourselves away...
How many stars would be left to shine
And how many like me, would fade away....

For all the times I tried to hide
All the darkness I've defied
And all those times I felt alive
Only to fall down again and die

I know some people refuse to see
The life I lead, the blood I bleed
The reasons I did things that just weren't clean
And when I hid away, just let me be

I don't expect everybody to trust
The passion, the fire, the anger, the lust
The security, loyalty, vision deceives
It's how you perceive, how you see me

And I'm sorry that tonight I said goodbye
But it's better for you, I ain't gonna lie
In every lie there's a kernel of truth
And it shows me that I was never right for you

I don't know if you can see,
What I have become
For so long and so far,
Has been the distance that I run

Yet no matter how hard I try
To stand against the cold
It freezes me straight to the core
And so I stand alone

I found you, I fell for you
I guess it's meant to be
The strength of my true self
And the other turned its cheek

Surrounded by the bitterness
I fought for what I love
But now this Hell bares witness
To see it's not enough...


Oh how I love to love you so,
To touch your pretty face
The moment I laid eyes on you
My anguish was erased

But when you're far from my reach
My arms are filled with lead
A poison spreading through my mind
A fate to strike me dead


I saw you as my everything,
Isolation was my foe
So hard it seemed at times to me
To let that poison go

I knew it wasn't possible
I said it so myself
But you have always loved me like
Nobody else

The mirror shows the sticks and stones
That broke my very heart
It's held together by my faith
A faith that hates to last

So I push it further and further still
I want to stay by you
But the voices whisper in my ear
IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!


Oh how I love to love you so,
To touch your pretty face
The moment I laid eyes on you
My anguish was erased

But when you're far from my reach
My arms are filled with lead
A poison spreading through my mind
A fate to strike me dead


It's hard to live with myself
Knowing only I care
The second one never begun
He hates the way I stare

You're so god-**** beautiful
It really makes me think
Some stories are repeats
Here's Beauty, here's the Beast!

No matter what she says to me
I'll always love you, you know
That's why I'll never say goodbye
I'll hold out for hope


Oh how I love to love you so,
To touch your pretty face
The moment I laid eyes on you
My anguish was erased

But when you're far from my reach
My arms are filled with lead
A poison spreading through my mind
A fate to strike me dead

This poison taking over me,
I figured out its name...
The poison is Obsession
And it will take me to the grave...

The poison is Obsession
And won't miss my dying day...

Constricted
Restricted
Bound
Helpless

Four fears remaining constant