There's a stranger in my head and the mirror i know its not me there's no way that its me glazed eyes staring back pale skin, cried for days its not me i'm watching someone else's life ghosting or sometimes i wonder if i exist there's a part of reality i can't find has anyone else realized life doesn't exist we could run away and never cone back whatever we do doesn't matter i'm a ghost that sees farther than the sky i feel trapped in an open daze w h e r e a m i
What is in a name? An identifier. Christine. Paul. Bernard. A sense of uniqueness. Foxy. The Rock. Buddy. A personality. John. Chad. Karen. A name is something to hold onto.
What is my name? A label to keep me concrete when people forget A phrase to pull me back down when I drift An identity so that I don't mold into everyone else My name keeps me together
But what does my name sound like? I forgot where I placed my strengths I forgot the way it was shaped to my body My person slips away from the letters as they form into your mouth and get lost in the bottomless sea of identifiers
Who am I? Billboards and signs that paint "fragile" across a face like mine Small, petite, figures that whisper "prey" and warn me of the big bad wolves Unfamiliar faces that tell me that I am "too much" as my bones grind against them and their hands try to cup me smaller there is nothing to keep me from vanishing
Who am I? Worker # 187, making a dime as they make a dollar? A father's daughter, a person to be handed and never to stand on it's own? Am I my weakest moments? Am I my triumphs?
Who am I? My own mocking voice screaming, giggling, obscenities before I catch myself My own motherly tone re-directing me from the bad roots in my childhood I am this thing and then I am another We are so inconsistent, as people
We forget to keep our names close to our hearts To choose our own identities, let ourselves remind each other that we are who we choose to be.
My name, it echoes against the cages of my body and it wraps around me reassuring me, reminding me, piecing me back together breathing life back into me.
“Perhaps I have left to many pieces of myself in the books i’ve read” “I have left so much of myself in so many places, in different worlds, with different people.” “ I have broken my heart over and over with all the endings i have read”
I don’t know how to live in this world when I have been in so many better than this one.
i pull my eyeball out of my socket or perhaps, i remove my socket from my eyeball the moon is howling the wind is shining i grin a grin of blood and ... joy? eyeball in hand, or was it the socket? maybe it's the hand in my eyeball either way i take a step towards the water i feel it lapping at my ankles i lie down face first the water breathes me in and we float in that uterine comfort we once knew when I open my eye/socket/hand i see that i am in a tank the light refracts across the water gliding i worm my way to the base of the tank and i push my body is too heavy i reach between my legs and pull out my guts they slither away into the dark abyss i close my eye/socket/hand i sleep
i've been dissociating a lot lately and this is my attempt at explaining what it feels like.
I could say when it started; I could feign confidence in this place, in the hour. The truth is, I could sail on the rolling tides of time and I'd still yet never move in a straight line. That's how it's always been - like a clock that lags a split second longer on even numbers, and pauses to scrutinize the odd. Like standing in a crowd, waving to a friend you don't remember meeting. Reading words that make no sense to anyone but their writer, or knowing those words are your own; my own. Words where meaning has been lost, a dying light I never got the chance to experience. One day, I will experience it.
I cant muster the energy to look At myself in the mirror But people still expect me To lift my feet To lift my head And Smile
I wont wash a dish, I certainly dont look at the clothes, I cancel my plans last minute when I should have just said no, I think my friends are conspiring against me, And I cant leave my husband alone, what if he finds someone else better equip for our home.
I cant muster the energy to look at myself in the mirror, But I still get up, I still get up and go to work, I am just waiting for the time Time to pass me by
I'm running out of energy for these cycles Im running out of energy waiting on my energy I am in deep water, with crashing waves Everytime I stand I am knocked back down Gulping for air Only getting more water Waiting to tumble back to the surface
I cant muster the energy to look at myself in the ******* mirror.