A blank new page.

Staring, wondering.

What should my next chapter be?

Where do I go from here?

The blank pages have no answers.

The pencil is trembling in my hand.

I take a deep breath as I write

Now live.

Trying to accept what isn't meant for me.

That he isn't the one.

There was a time he said he was.

I feel the sad smile on my face.

The wrinkle on my forehead, caused by him.

Even though it wasn't our fate to be

I hope he thinks of me.

When the other girls don't sing along to our songs.

When they don't laugh the way I did.

When they don't get excited about the moon and the stars.

It's selfish,
but I hope he searches for traces of me in all the girls to come.

One step, deep breaths.
Two steps, body starts to shake.
Three steps, getting tense.
Four steps, legs are heavy.
Five steps, getting dizzy.
Six steps, can't feel my hands.
Seven steps, breath gets shorter.
Eight steps, pulse is rising.
Nine steps, I feel sick.
Ten steps, can't feel the ground.

Footsteps!
I feel someone coming up behind me.
The scent of a man.
Fear, panic, everything happens fast.
I can't breathe! I want to run but my legs won't work.
Losing touch with reality. I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna puke, someone help me..
A silent scream.
Memory loss.

Which mask should I wear today?
No one can handle seeing the bare, naked me,
so I created a closet filled with masks.
One for every mood expected of me.
So which one is it?
The happy, loving one?
The sad one?
The supporting one?
The angry one?

Please don't catch me off guard. I want to keep you.

In this summer heat, I've been drinking for days.

Drink to numb an unknown anxiety.

In a notification I saw today's date.

And I remembered, I remembered all of it..

In three days it's been a year.

A year since he took away my freedom.

Since he put his hands on my body.

Three days from now will be the mark of when something in me broke.

Something that can never be healed.

Sweat mixed with tears run down my face.

Just like that night.

I heard death calling for me as I layed there in the hospital bed.

His voice came closer, and I could feel his cold breath on my face.

He tried to convince me to give in to him.

I wanted to go, that was my goal.

But something inside me told me it's not my time yet.

I fought back and somehow I'm still alive.

Watching people go on with their lives,
not knowing that today I planned to be dead.

Beer cans all over the place.

Sad songs in the background, to provoke me.

To help me feel.

Please help me feel..

My mind is empty, passive, yet filled with chaos from the past.

Afraid to feel again, to give in.

Scared this is another trap.

What can I give him that no one else can? Why me?

Is there another hidden agenda?

I can't resist his words, yet they scare me to death.

It's like a love song I wanna play on repeat,
but still wishing that the record would break.

Before I do.

Her blue eyes meet mine.

Her gaze is firm, she radiates authority, strenght.

Her feet, etched to the ground.
No hurricane, no tornado will move her.

Yet her eyes somehow reveal a soft side.
There's something childish and playful in that smirk of hers.

I wonder who she is.
So familiar, yet unknown.

I envy her.
That strong woman.

Where have I seen her?

I hear a whisper, a voice I recognize.

"Look again".

I don't want you to leave,
but I don't want you to stay.

I don't want to see your face,
but I can't stand a life without it.

I don't want you close,
but I want your smell.

I don't want you to touch me,
but all I want is for you to hold me tight.

Our bodies were shivering.

We held each other.

Surrounded by water, out in the lake.

The thunder and rain crashed around us and I felt your lips on mine.

Our feelings for each other were so real and intense in that moment.

The memories and moments we have will be my favourite movie to watch.

If you don't know how to give love to your child, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to support your child emotionally, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to show empathy, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to point your child in the right direction, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to be a mum, don't be a mum.

I'm dreading.

To pack everything,
from the place we used to call ours.

The empty boxes are staring back at me.

I can't bring myself to fill them.

I'm scanning the apartment that used to be ours..

I'm seeing our history repeating itself.

I somehow see your shadow from the kitchen,
and mine from the living room.

I hear your laughter when you mess up cooking..

And suddenly you're everywhere, and I'm paralyzed.

I can't move you into boxes, and I can't leave you.

Yet I need to leave you within this walls..

Like a gentle summer breeze he is touching my face.

So soft and warm.

Playing with my hair and kissing my skin.

I breathe him in, a hint of coconut.

He's everywhere, my summer air.

Even through the coldest nights he comforts me.

To remind me.

He's always there.

I don't want you in my head anymore.

It's over, nothing left to say.

I guess a year of sorrow and neglect changed me.

I can't remember a day without anxiety anymore.

I see people laughing and I can't remember what it's like.

To laugh with your whole body and soul.

Meeting you destroyed my life, to the point where I can't even see it as a wisdom.

I know who I am but i don't feel it.
I am disconnected from myself.

Anything to escape the pain.

I don't know how much longer I can take.

I thought writing about you would set me free, but it didn't.

And you weren't worth it, you weren't worth any of it.

I tried to help you find yourself but I lost me.

Can I ever find myself again or is that battle lost too?

Shaking on the bathroom floor.

Mascara running down my cheeks.

The smell of alcohol on my breath.

Cold sweat.

I can't move.

Paralyzed.

I am one with my anxiety.

Same words echoing in my head.

"He's back".

The first spring sun.

A sign of a new beginning.

The earth, cleansed from last year.

New hopes and dreams that follows by seeing the ground clear.

The excitement of creating new memories hearing the birds once again.

Finding new songs I know I'll dance to all summer.

Imagining the smell of a fresh tan, from a day in the sun.

The feeling of being alive, cleansed from last year.

"Trust your gut they say".

I felt it coming but I chose to ignore it.

Yet here I am.

Left alone, shaken from what just happened.

Dumped.

Breathless, in shock.

Longing for his arms that I won't feel around me anymore.

His shirt, folded on my couch.

His scent is gone.

A sign of this story's end.

My heart is pounding.

Tears running down my cheeks.

With shaky legs I go outside, to look at the stars.

To ask them, why?

My desperate cries led you to ignore me.

You heard me, but chose not to listen.

You left me stuck and confused with the pain from your empty words..

The words of a fragile love song.

I'm left with sadness, caused by your true words.

Don't wait for me, you said.

I guess a fool never learns.

I got the chance to have you one last time.

A wake-up call for the both of us.

A different one though, you felt more.

I felt less.

I needed that one last night to realize.

You're free to go.

A love letter written for you by my hands filled with band-aids and dried blood from all the paper cuts

You put the words in my mouth when i couldn't speak.

You knew how i felt before i did..

You helped me through the worst times of my life, and you were always by my side.

Just hearing your voice sorted out the chaos in my mind.

You were there, a never-ending comfort, no matter how broken i felt..

You were my calm in the hurricane.

Your voice guided me, through all struggles.

That voice is now gone.

Forever recorded, but now gone.

But what about the future?

Who's gonna be there?

No one can ever replace you.

For 16 years you've been my best friend.

I'll keep your memory alive.

Rip Chester Bennington.

It's been a year.

Since I lost myself.

To be with him.

To start the journey through hell.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I would never had said yes.

I can see the ghost of myself, laughing happily,
through the mirror of regret.

Here I am, destroyed. Devastated. Lost.

I wish I knew what I signed up for.

The worst year of my life.

If only I knew..

As the rain hits my window I feel comfort in my loneliness.

Safe from the storm, I listen.

The chaos from the outside calms my own.

The sound drowns the thoughts in my head.

I close my eyes.

Is this how my inner storm would sound?

"You are a beautiful couple" they said. But beauty isn't everything.
"They way you look at each other.." But those looks faded.
"The way you laugh together". But those laughs turned into tears.
"The way you love each other". But that love turned into hate.
"That spark you two have". But that spark burned out and died.
The beauty we once had turned out to be an ugly truth in disguise.

Lost in my mind once again.

The past comes back to haunt me.

To remind me, preventing me from forgetting.

I've felt enough pain.

Where's my peace? Still searching.

I need to breathe, I'm suffocating.

I hear the familiar screams inside.

The burning in my lungs.

Please let me be.

I need a place for my head.

Another way to feel alive.

One small sign was all it took.

I'm back where I started.

With false hopes that he still cares.

Maybe he hasn't let me go either?

Painting pictures in my head that I know he'll burn without hesitation.

Once again I'll be watching my dreams with him turn into ashes.

I was forgetting you.

But no, you wouldn't let me do that this time either.

Who would you be if I forgot about your existence?

No one. You're turning desperate.

Showing up to see if you can still play me.

The answer is No.

Parasites are meant to go extinct.

I've never felt this guilt before.

I might ruin your life.

But you've ruined mine.

You destroyed me.

Yet I feel like I'm the one to blame.

It's your sins, yet they feel like mine.

You always put them on me.

But this time you're gonna pay for them.

So why am I the one carrying the heavy weight?

With my eyes closed I still feel the humid air.
I hear the chaos of a city that never sleeps.

It's been two years.
A place that used to be my home, my future.
My mouth still knows the lyrics to songs in a foreign language.

So much has happened since.

As I sing I come to terms that I'm at peace.
I no longer wish for a life that could've been.

I'm here. I'm safe. I'm happy.

The question marks are gone.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Either you're the brightest star and I'm the one not shining as much, always living in the shadow of you. Or I'm the brighter one and you're so far away you're not even showing on the night sky.

Like a Phoenix I will rise, again and again.

Cut my wings, **** me even.

But I'll be back.

I will resurrect.

I was never born, I can never die.

Every downfall is oxygen to my already burning flame.

Instead of killing me you're feeding my fire..

..can't you see?

Don't let the guard down, don't let the guard down.

I'm already standing too close to the fire.

I can feel the heat and yet l can't back away.

What if it's not meant to burn me?

Frozen to the ground I stand, waiting.

Hoping the flames aren't meant for me.

Please set me free..

From my painful past.

From the dreams that'll never become reality.

From the hopes that he'll come back to me.

I no longer want to be a slave to a love that has ended.

Please, let me let go.

How do I ignore the calls from death?
It wants me there.

On the other side of life.

I see my own tears in the mirror.

I feel life leaving my body.

I don't want to be here anymore.

This life isn't for me.

I've fought long enough.
I've always known this is the way I'll go..

Do I finally have the courage?

To leave this all behind, to watch my loved ones from the other side?

If not not, when?
This life isn't for me..

I'm sorry.

Can you hear me calling for you at night?

Calling your name through the tears.

Can you hear me asking why?

How could you promise me the world, to just wake up and dump me?

Can you hear me?

In the silence I have my answer.

Silently waiting.

For my overdose of meds to kick in.

I'm starting to relax.

Waiting for what's to come.

Hoping that it'll be over this time.

Maybe I'll finally find my freedom, my peace, in death.

This time I hope I won't wake up.

I've been a prisoner of my thoughts for too long.

The life of suffering won.

So maybe my wish comes true this time.

That it'll be over.

That I'll find peace in nothing but the fire afterwards.

The pressure of having to be good enough..

..is a heavy burden.

Need get be better, accomplish.

The constant search for perfection.

But what am I searching for?

Me?

You in a prison cell they put you in.

Me in my mental prison, that you created.

Your freedom taken away by force.

Mine taken away from you.

As a prisoner of betrayal I still feel the chains around my feet.

Trying so hard to break free.

I need to heal the deep marks in my skin.

I have the man with the key by my side.

He's trying so hard, but the locks are rusty from years in captivity.

Will the locks or the key break first? I wonder.

I was like a puzzle to you. You scattered the pieces, removed some important ones for me to never find again. I could no longer put it back together the way it once was.
But don't worry, I'll find better pieces. I'll make a new original, a better, more beautiful one where no pieces can be lost again.

I can see him almost every day.

From a distance, but it hurts every time.

Seeing him living a new life, while I'm stuck in our old one..

Wondering what causes him to smile,
when I'm walking away feeling my heart breaking.

My breath is heavy, my heart sinks with every step.

He sees me and I see him.

But we're just strangers now.

Like we never shared a life, never planned a future.

He's living his dream while I'm living my nightmare.

Food line, the air smelled of grilled halloumi.

A pair of light blue jeans and a grey hoodie broke the line.

The bluest eyes I'd ever seen met mine.

Starry sky, subdued bass.

His smile stopped time.

Seconds felt like minutes,
hours felt like years.

Tangled bodies, exploring.

Messy bed, a head on my chest.

Sheets of memories.

A morning of fake promises.

My heart, exposed.

"Left on read.."

I've imagined our farewell so many times,
hugs and sweet words of an impossible love.

I really thought I knew when I was going to see you for the last time,
I even planned it.

How I would walk out that door to never look back.
With my head held high, the feeling of relief, freedom.

Little did I know that it already happened, and I missed my que.

Instead of my moment of glory I walked out in anger, with my last words still saved.

The big moment I've been waiting for..

Gone.

It was nothing like I imagined.

No doves flied off the ground, no cheering crowd, the skies didn't clear for me.
Nothing.

It was a night drowning in alcohol and emptiness, it was our song.
It was grief.

That's what it was.

But i was the one writing the final chapter about us. I gave us closure.

Now it's time to close the book, to put it on the shelf of memories.

Everytime I saw a shooting star I used to make a wish.

None of my wishes came true,
my dearest wishes..

I no longer believe in shooting stars,
they've failed me too many times.

Maybe there's another way to make them come true?
The answer is within me, and I will find it.

Still I cry

Remembering everything

Preventing myself from moving on

No matter how far I've come,
how much time has passed

It's still there, like a fresh wound

Every day is a battle against the past

I'm a prisoner of our memories

My grumpy face doesn't stop him from kicking my *** on Street Fighter.

My illogical arguments makes him laugh, he even use them against me.

He laughs at me like I'm an irrational child.

He rolls his eyes at my singing and dancing in the kitchen.

When I refuse to be quiet, he sighs and moans.

Yet,
he holds my hand through movies that scare me.

He tries to keep me warm though he's sweating.

He values my opinion even though he doesn't agree.

He holds me tight, even when he's mad at me.

He cries while laughing at me.

He gives me everyting, even when I don't deserve it.

He is my partner and best friend.

If this isn't love, I don't know what is

I loved someone who saw my qualities as flaws.

I trusted someone who spoke lies fluently.

I literally crossed oceans for someone who'd never jump a puddle for me.

I cared for someone who, with a cold face watched me cry.

I was held by someone who didn't really care.

I have sent a hundred texts to someone who ignored me for days.

I was with someone who expected the best but gave the worst.

I have said "I love you" to someone who didn't answer.

I loved someone with all my heart knowing he was breaking me.

But I will never stop loving.

Someday, someone else will see my flaws as qualities.

This is the last night.

Legs outside the window, the sun burns like always.

Cold beer in one hand, the heat from a cigarette in the other one.

Songs about old lovers playing in the background.

This is where it all started, and ended.

A feeling of sadness, to leave it all behind.

The person I was 6 years ago, all the memories, struggles and happiness.

Yet I feel excited.

I'm ready to move on, to create new memories away from here.

Ready to let go, to allow a new lover in.

A new view, new songs and new memories.

I have a good feeling about this new place and I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

I forgive myself for that weak moment.
When I wanted nothing more than to decieve you, to hurt you.

I forgive myself, cause I didn't.

I forgive you for your lack of words, for your absence.
Cause deep down I know.

I'm sorry that I even have to be sorry..