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Aleena Dec 2019
I admit
For the first time
In my life
That I am not

My legs, frozen
My hands unable to stop shaking
All while,
My heart keeps on racing
And racing

I have never felt
so vulnerable
So weak
So afraid
So unlike myself

After 24 hours
Of not breathing,
And keeping everything
Bottled up inside

It all comes out
In tears
from my eyes
Im going through a lot right now. And just don’t feel like myself.
just emma Dec 2019
Do you remember the very first time you touched me?
It was dark that night, I was so scared because what happened next was really hard to believe.
Do you remember that I tried to move?
I was uncomfortable in my own bed -
That didn’t stop you, of course you felt you had something to prove.
Do you remember lifting my hair?
Probably feeling excited to find my sleeping eyes -
My body all over was paralyzed.
Do you remember all my terrified screams?
Probably not, I’m pretty sure that only I could hear -
Really hoping to wake up from this frightening, evil dream.
Do you remember how we had known each other forever?
You were my best friends older brother!!!

But I’ll remember that when I was 11, how you were so greedy and just like the ******* others!!!
And you’ll just remember how we were always hidden under the covers...
Sylph Oct 2019
Im paralyzed
I dont know who i am
How i feel
Why im like this
What to do
Where to go...
Where am i?

My light has run out

Im stuck in the dark

Paralyzed with fear

What am i
Am i even still alive

Im lost
It hurts
im scared
im broken
i cant
i cant
i cant
im nothing
i need it
im lost
im scared
save me
Mark Toney Oct 2019
(Dedicated to my Father, who was totally paralyzed
for 7 years before he died in 1985.)

I awake in the early morning darkness
Frozen, motionless, immobilized.
My eyes straining to see into the black void
Looking for any sign of my keepers.
Listening for any kind of movement.
Phantom images dart around me slowly at first,
Then multiple images spring from every direction.
My heart racing, my breathing rapid and shallow,
Byproducts of fear and imagination
Running amok in the dark.

My eyes focus on tiny lights incessantly blinking,
Reassuring my heart as the phantoms vanish.
My ears register the intermittent beeps
And steady, determined droning
Of contraptions that populate my space,
Their sole purpose to prevent the outcome I crave.

My nose catches whiffs of iodoform odor,
Penetrating, pungent, overpowering my sense of smell.
A cruel replacement for what once was
A weekly parade of fragrant flowers
That excited what few senses remain.
The brightly colored blossoms
The sweet, fragrant smells
The delightful sizes and shapes.
But the pleasant river of flowers has dried up
As concern for my plight has waned.

I watch as the determined, dynamic sun
Deliberately dilutes the darkness,
Revealing the magical birth of a new day.
Is that delightful birdsong I hear?
The beeping and droning is maddening,
But I know there’s birdsong outside my window.
I can’t wait until the moment arrives!

As if on cue my keeper appears
Busily going about her assigned tasks.
My eyes following her every move.
“And how are you doing today?” she asks,
Staring at me as if I could answer.
But I lie frozen, motionless, immobilized.
In my mind I replay my daily reply:

"My existence is a never-ending cycle of
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Beep. . . blink. . . drone. . . beep
Blink. . . drone. . . beep, . . . blink
Drone. . . beep. . . blink. . . drone
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Dawn. . . daylight. . . twilight. . . night
Daylight. . . twilight. . . night. . . dawn
Twilight. . . night. . . dawn. . . daylight
Night. . . dawn. . . daylight. . .twilight
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Each boring minute an hour.
Each hateful hour a day.
Each wretched day a year.
Each torturous year a lifetime.
Ad nauseum. . .ad infinitum. . .ad mortem?"

Offering no response to my unspoken thoughts,
My keeper dutifully takes my vital signs,
Temperature, pulse, respiration, blood pressure,
Records the results, then walks to the window.
My favorite time of day has arrived!
“We must open the window to freshen up your room.”
As the window opens my spirit soars, and my ears capture
The lovely birdsong, as well as other living sounds,
Along with a veritable potpourri of smells.
I can only imagine what is happening outside,
And I do imagine it as best I can.

I close my eyes and try to make out each note,
Visualizing the source of each incredible sound,
Be it bird, animal, human or otherwise.
Who they are, what they look like,
What they’re doing, what they’re thinking,
The blinking, beeping, droning is finally drowned out!
With every breath I savor each smell.
And, with eyes closed, as I visualize
What’s happening in my mind’s eye,
A wonderful peace envelops me. . . comforts me.

But, alas, this day will be crueler than most.
Another keeper, a newer keeper, enters my room.
“Oh, she’s fallen asleep” he whispers,
He closes the window, shuts the shades,
Then quietly leaves, shutting the door.
I scream, a loud, long, primal scream, in my mind.
As I lie frozen, motionless, immobilized.  
5/15/2018 - Poetry form: Free Verse - Dedicated to my Father, who was totally paralyzed for 7 years before he died in 1985. - Copyright © Mark Toney | Year Posted 2018
Alexis Oct 2019
if you have ever had a panic attack,
the gasping
racing heart
tingling limbs
and crashing mind,
then surely
you know what it is to die.
pretty ****, I know.
Lexi Snow Sep 2019
Those bad days come
The days were getting out of bed shouldn’t be an option
Were looking at everyone can’t be a choice
But you have to smile for the camera
Everyone is looking at you
While you see that moment
That moment of being on a bus with a friend
A friend that took your friendliness for flirting
A friend that decided to play fight with you
But play fighting turned into something more
Into something you wished it didn’t
He kissed you
You didn’t want or intend for that to happen
You didn’t know what to do
You’re paralyzed
As you tell him no, he tries play fighting again
You reject that too
But in the end, he bites your arm
And now you are stuck with the feeling of teeth on you
The feeling that you still have the bruise
A bruise that you had to hide from your family members
A bruise that symbolized
“You are broken”
You get stuck wearing anything but a normal shirt
No one questions it...but yourself
You can feel the pain
You can see yourself crying all over again
You can feel the hug that your teacher gave you when they found out
That teacher helped you more than anyone
That teacher took care of you in your time of need
That teacher was your parent because you couldn’t show them your bruise
You can feel the nothingness that came out of that experience
You can hear the whispers
The whispers of blame toward you
The whispers of “they asked for it”
No you didn’t ask for it
All you asked for was a friend
A friend to sit next to
A friend to stay close to, so you wouldn’t get lost
But in the end you got more lost
If anything, you got lost and betrayed
Within minutes before and after that first kiss
But you still feel that bruise, even after it’s gone
You feel where their teeth sunk in on your skin
That part of your skin remembers every nerve being in pain
Your muscles remembering tensing up right when it happened
That friend marked you
For what, because you were friendly
Because you gave them attention they hardly got
Who’s to say,
All you know is that you had a bruise and a bad memory on that bus
A memory that haunts you till this day
A memory you wished would just disappear
Just like the bruise
That friend got in trouble
With a slap on the wrist
And everyone on their side
You are the one at fault
You started the whole thing
But you are the one with the wounds
You were too friendly, everyone said
How could that have mattered
When you are now bruised on the inside
Where their teeth were
thesa Aug 2019
i'm paralyzed
my eyes hurt and i can't stop
the voices inside my head

tell me
which sense does the cure have
when i was comfortable
in my insanity
blackbiird Jul 2019
and left
Hello Prolly Jun 2019
these, why seasons are
so many
why (we) changing
way too often

stepping out in sandals
enter freezing blizzards
wearing scarf and mittens
get burned by melting hot

about to smell the scent of lillies
breath in troubled dust
rushing out to driest desert
my naked knees soak through mud

being seasoned seasoner
seems not help enough
forseeing unseen-able
ends up rough

these, our seasons
reckless in motion
thus locking us
in motionless loops

thank mindseasons
Andrew Rueter Jan 2019
I’m moving through glue
Of life without you
In an adhesive zoo
Giving avian flu
So I can’t move
In this groove
Where I lose
To my muse

At your beck and call
My engine stalled
So I walk this hall

Walking home
Is walking alone
Destination unknown
I’m a walking drone

I find a new car
But cannot go far
Once the oily tar
Creates prison bars

Cars have slammed
Causing traffic jams
Like the trap of man
Living hand in hand

Double barrel lies
Have me paralyzed
Scared to try
A stare at eyes

Satan’s will
Has my body still
Anxiety filled
Looking for a pill

The enemy
Is sending me

The once unbridled
Now sit idle
Using their title
To stop others’ vitals

This quicksand
Kicks the ******
Sickest man
So he can’t stand

Tires flattened
In sheets of satin
They start to fatten
Into General Patton
On a treadmill
Death hill
Where pests ****
My best skills

No detour
On this meat skewer
Where the elite lure
Those who are bluer
To be their bruiser

I find no leeway
On the freeway
Where speed craze
Gets greed praise
So the meek stay
In concede lanes

The gun toting
Fascist voting
Authority doting
Have me floating
When I should be boating

I challenge the world to a fight
And lose to my first opponent
Pathetically crying all night
I thought heart was a stronger component

I can’t stand minds
Of land mines
That span my
Whole **** life
The things I know
Create traffic cones
So I have nowhere to go
But low

I defy the slide
Stuck in the divide
I don’t want to glide
But commit suicide

The liars grinning
At my tires spinning
Increase their sinning
Once they know they’re winning

Dragons fly
In the sky
Passing by
My passive life
They look down on me
Their talons I flee
But fire they breathe
Scorching me deep

I once had you
Now I have them
I’m stuck in glue
That is their phlegm
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