saranade Apr 20

My hand held out...
...to guard your back
When your friendships lacked
...to give money or supplies
When you couldn't survive
...to hold your hand
When you needed support
...to give you a hug
When you needed love
...to high five yours
At all of your endeavors
...to pat on your back
When you succeeded this or that
...to throw a thumbs-up
Because you never gave up

My hand held out...
...to cover my eyes
Through all of the lies
...to hide evidence
When you lacked common sense
...to understand the unreal
Amounts of items you'd steal
...to my chin to stipulate
The way you'd manipulate
...to cover my heart and divert
From your stories that hurt.

I could do this when I had two hands.
I could juggle these separate demands.
My dominant hand is limp now.
The tasks I take on are now simple.
I can only do one thing at a time.
Like, write out this single line rhyme.

When you see my hand out...
...from utter desperation
Please don't tabulate your accommodation
...remember I never asked before my disability
That you had previously admired my stability
...homeless, dirty and hungry
Offer to help me, without charging money
...keep in mind, it's the only one I have
My abilities and tasks all need to be halves
...perhaps don't act put-out or surprised
Because the person who's asking is paralyzed.

I feel like my sister is so concerned with money, she didn't offer help to her newly disabled sister (me) until I could pay her. When things got worse, she didn't even check on me because she knew I had no money.
saranade Apr 8

My freedom of expression,
Or, freedom to exist...
I've had to suppress, any implication,
That I was free, IT was free,
Or that I could rest.
My obligations became innovations,
My "freedom" was a serious test.

Shut my mouth.
Silence my thought.
Burn holes in my own sky...
To survive,
Just to... Get by.

There's no blood on the hand
of the devil begging for a gun...
But, the blood of my son,
My thoughts, my thighs,
My sun, my sky...
I'm paralyzed.
I idealized and fantasised
...a metaphor...
Something in-between dead and alive.

But this is literal.

Cry freedom for a body that fails.
An existing breath that bent steel.
Locked in the prison with 10 wardens.
Slave to a super power.
And I'm furious you sent me a bill.
I ate your currency.
I'm... Fed... Up.

Your devil is free to stare,
poke fun and share
...the misery...
...my suffering...
I'm paralyzed.

This is literal.

So many applications
Britney Lyn Jan 17

It’s much like being stuck in a daydream
A nightmare just waiting to break free.
I never thought I could end up this way
Frozen in time but the places still change.
Barely living but my heart is beating fine
Breath comes in but out goes the will to fight.
I keep fading in and out of these dreams
Taken under the water, a memory in the sea.
Feeling vacant in this vessel
Powerless and vulnerable.
I just couldn’t speak to tell anyone any news
Couldn’t lift my hand, go to the bathroom, move.
So I blink and I blink to communicate my thoughts
I keep sinking and sinking to the depth that haunts.
My life, a glacier breaking, falling apart
Melting into the waters that I will in part.
I want to die, I will not cry
The diving bell and the butterfly.

Response to the movie The Diving Bell and The Butterfly directed by Julian Schnalbel.
saranade Oct 2016

A year has passed since I crashed my motorcycle.
The road rash had since been cast away.
The fast paced life was smashed together.
A singular bash that cached my memory.
Lights flash and whiplash has new meaning.
This thrash blinked my eyelash three days later.
Dreary forecast laid flabbergasted.

Hit-and-run
Ashes to Ashley Aug 2016

I look over at her and her mercy and ask myself how I could be deserving of her gracious love, yet she kisses my skin raw and my dark heart will be perpetually paralyzed with awe.




Emily Alice

His looks
Consume
I’m fixated on you
I can’t even look at you
When we do I feel the scan all around the room
Slow spillover smiles
That’s what we do

Your height, slow worn walk
Long free spirited locks all scream freedom
Am I just keeping you?
Umm I’m not wild enough for you…

Your checkbones as hallow and jaded as you
Black tee and skinny jeans are as damned as you
Fooling around is all I wanna do with you
I’m paralyzed so paralyzed around you
Alcohol gives no extra boost
Somehow, I manage to get the words out to say “stay?”

I’ll never know if that was a slip that shoulda never happened
I got what I wanted but not really…
I want more
Something anything to fill in the space
I can hardly get out any words but “But you can kiss me”
“Yeah?” I want you.

But why do you seem like a stranger?
Will you be here tomorrow?
Shoulda I have given it all to you.
I want you! I want you!
So bad, but I can’t move

I didn’t mean to tease you; I wish I could have the strength tell you
I wish I could have ONE MORE chance
Cleopatra I’d be…MAYBE I’m wrong. I’ve declared it once…but I get closer to what I want

This boy’s my dream, but he’s really not, he’s a visual fantasy
Its not fair to him too, we can’t give each other what we want
ATLEAST not now
I should get over this idea
But why can’t I?
The kiss wasn’t enough
I can’t pick up my phone
Should I?

I don’t wanna be the girl who can’t let go
I don’t wanna be the girl who gives up
I wanna be the cool girl
I wanna be his girl

I can’t give him what he wants
He can’t give me what I want
I don’t feel good enough for him
He feels the same?
Maybe he’s waiting for me? A promise?
Is it too late? Does it matter? Does he care?

Patience comes to those who wait but not to those who wait too late
Who I am? Who do I wanna be?
Because I’ve lost my head when it comes to him
That’s why I don’t wanna see him

I don’t wanna run into him
I bet he has not a care in the world.
And that’s why I WON’T push play
But if he hits me up, in a heart beat I’d fall back into old ways...

Ryuu Bloodsplatter May 2016

I couldn't speak
Say something!
Tell them what's wrong!

I couldn't move
Pick your feet up!
Don't make them carry you!

My body was trembling
It hurts!
Stop hurting!

In and out I went
Where am I?
Who is touching me?

I was paralyzed
although there was nothing wrong

My mind had become a jail

Life was turning me into a prisoner

And my body had given up

Conversion Disorder
WistfulHope Oct 2015

The scared little girl is still hiding in the closet.
Hiding from you and from him, at the back of the closet.
She's under a blanket, barricaded in the closet.
Holding a flashlight, off, dark, on the floor of the closet.
The scared little girl is still hiding in the closet.

Because everyone is home, which means she's all alone.
- - -
Happy Thursday. I love thursdays. They're my favorite.
Maybe because it's supposed to be the day God created the stars...
e ot Sep 2015

I'm not old
I haven't been here for long
I have no profound wisdoms
I haven't yet learned all that a person can learn from life
But my heart is tired
It's sad and bruised
Dried out and hollow
A few years ago I had the ability to fall in love easily
Now I don't know how to love at all

crybaby911 Sep 2015

My heart aches to be loved
To be moved in many ways
But my feelings were always shoved
Into the dark, excruciating haze

I want to feel something
Anything in fact
But my heart is on a hinge
Feeling numb, my emotions going blank

It's cold in here
Filled with my salty tears
It starts to beat slower
Breaking into large shears

I barricade myself
Afraid of being loved, not being hurt
My feelings bailed
Saying I'm a curse

My feelings back stabbed me
I feel so paralyzed
Now I know, now I see
It's my own personal sign

I wasn't meant to be loved
No man can fix my agonized heart
It's never going to be enough
To fix what's been long broken and deserted.

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