I spent too many nights waiting,
For you to finally be,
The person that I needed,
But you were never there for me.

I wasted countless hours,
Laying awake in the dark,
Savouring the words you spoke,
Holding onto every spark.

I wanted every moment,
To stay perfect in my mind,
And they did until the day,
You decided to leave me behind.

I picked up the pieces of my heart,
And with thread woven with blame,
I stitched it back together;
Since then it has not been the same.

Now it's covered in cracks and scars,
And I place the fault on you,
Occasionally it falls apart,
That's just what broken hearts do.

I spend my hours lonely
Staring at a phone that doesn't ring
Lying to myself
Pretending not to feel the sting
Around my room in laps I pace
Because it is hard to stay standing still
Restless and anxious
I can't concentrate
Distress is too strong to ****
A tiny part of me is relieved
To see you haven't changed at all
It makes it easier to stand nt ground
When back to you I want to crawl
You must be a magician
Putting me under a spell
With one wave of your wand enchanted
Conjuring heaven
We're really in hell
You keep my adoration in your pocket
Instead of in your heart
It's obvious I am the only half affected
When our lives are forced apart
It feels as though I inhabit a cage
Only when you disappear
Your absence holds me captive
Then am freed when you get near
Dancing on a narrow line
Seperating sense and satiety
If I succumb to my shameful desires
That means forfeiting my sanity
Trapped behind bars inside my brain
Cannot escape my expectations
Disappointment is inevitable
Yet I still surrender to sweet temptation
Shades of blue inside and out
Mixed with the occasional grey or black
All other colors vanished with my trust
I'm pretty sure they're not coming back
Cloaked in heavy misery
Weighs down my overwhelmed soul
You don't even have the decency
To return all the time that you stole
You placed stars directly in my eyes
Just so you could watch them burn out
Ignorance was comfortable
Til you showed me what I now live without
Silence chokes with an icy grip
Solitude freezes spirit right through my skin
No matter how many games you play with my emotions
I still participate although it's impossible to win

I wish I could freeze moments shared in the past
The courageous minute time sealed certain fate
The little girl I was, stubborn, stupid, and immature
Wanted too badly to be your forever mate.

My young heart; pure and poetic
Easily misled by alcoholic lips
Remember our first real conversation? I melted
I long to have those same sweet stomach flips.

I watch you now, older body and face
Laugh at how blind I was to your flaws
While clouds darken the past even more
You breathe in the same hurt you cause.

Cannot see beyond the suffering
I watch you try to rekindle the fire
You dance among burning embers
Absence dismissed, I begin to tire.

A soundtrack to our summers
Birdsong always seemed to fill loyal air
Now cheerful melody seems mocking
Inhaling their tunes with barely a care.

Out the window, I recognize clear roads
Recollect ancient paths, sigh and reflect
The breeze is the temperature it was then
Can't withstand the ice memories collect.

Heart trips over unclaimed baggage
I cannot see how big yoursuitcase really seems
You're dying, at least part of your life is
You are fine with losing all our dreams.

In your gaze rest a few hints of regret
Out of time, still let it finally show
Bedroom reminds me of the worst pieces of us
Feel like the walls contain secrets only we know.

Sitting on my floor, staring at a small mirror
An assaulting intruder is what I see looking back
An unwelcome guest forced her way in
My view alights an invisible attack.

The fangs you sunk beneath my skin
Always had me ensnared
You were worse than a drug, loved your high
No matter what family said I never cared.

Sight muddy from substances, I was stumbling
Didn't think I could be ready to say goodbye
Back in those days I owned no worry or concerns
Now I am chased by echoes of a beautiful lie.

Did I fall for you, or your friendly illusions?
Looking backwards, its hard to seperate
Which chapters were real and which were fake
Regardless, they will not cease to resonate.

Sometimes I enjoy life more
When my view is hindered by tears
The edges of images blur
Like mascara, how the world smears.

I like it better out of focus;
My vision, my goals, my dreams
When it's blurry it's easier to pretend
The pain in my heart isn't as bad as it seems.

I hate not being able to write,
About anything besides you,
Youre the only thing that fills my mind,
So what am I supposed to do?

I need different inspiration,
I'm tired of spending every day,
Complaining about how bad i feel,
and how nothing ever goes my way.

But each time i sit down to compose,
A masterpiece or a work of art,
I touch my pencil to the paper,
and cant help but spill my aching heart.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes,
It looks like morning has come again,
I roll over and peek at the clock,
"Perfect timing," I think, it's not quite ten.

Not too early, not too late,
I take a shower and get dressed,
Then I load a bowl and get ready,
For the part of my day that I like best.

I sit on my bed and sip my tea,
I grab my pipe and take a big hit,
It feels so good i don't even care,
That it makes me cough a little bit.

Now it's time for another ****,
I take a breath and inhale once more,
My lungs fill with smoke. ****, this one is
Even better than the one before.

The THC runs through my body,
I'm finally starting to feel high,
My **** is slowly disappearing,
I'm out of tea and my throat is dry.

The haze in the air is dank and sweet,
I can taste crystals on my lower lip,
Life feels good and wonderful today,
So I smile and take one more rip.

I am sorry you met me and fell in love
If there was a way in time to go back
I would keep our paths from crossing
Spin my life on some other track

I would block our lines; save us
Before we got the chance to intersect
Tangle and destroy ourselves
I'd stop them so we could avoid being wrecked

If only we could unsee eachothers faces
Erase memory from your lips and my eye
We could have avoided this pain
The difficult task of saying goodbye

All I want to do is delete wrongdoings
Undo wicked disloyal deeds
Find a way to wipe out forces connecting us
Before your name became one of my biggest needs

I am holding the damaged remains of what's left
Shattered memories and pieces of our trust
Trying to put our romance back together
Instead I stare as it crumbles to dust

The bright stars all wink
Moon staring down unblinking
The night sky's embrace

Revealing twisted thoughts that emerge in my head at night
Needlessly pouring my heart to you
The cold chaotic chess game that lingers
I wonder if you feel disturbed sometimes too

You're one in a million, one of a kind,
The one thing that never leaves my mind,
I spent my whole life trying to find,
Someone like you; gentle and kind.
Now that I have I know there's no way,
I could leave you, no words can convey,
How special you are, what I'm trying to say,
Is no matter what happens I'm gonna stay.
No chaos could ever pull me away,
You are more than my man, you're my soulmate.
Your arms are now my permanent home,
I know I will never again feel alone,
Your heart is only mine to own,
I won't ever give you a reason to roam,
It's clear to me these feelings have grown,
The bond we share is solid like stone,
When you call I will always pick up the phone.
I wish I had an explanation for the way
I feel. I don't, but I'll try anyway.

HOOK:
When I wake up you are the first thought on my mind,
Your face the last image I see before night leaves me blind,
You keep my worries low, and my hopes high,
You are my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

I love having you around, it's true,
I wish I spent every second with you,
I hate that I am not able to,
Give you the support I know is past due,
Or finish all the things you need me to do,
But you give me motivation to improve,
And one day soon I'm certain I will be
The version of myself you see inside me,
That's when our lives will finally
Become what we envisioned; simple and easy.
Then we'll get married, pick a place and settle down,
Build a house, start a family, in a sleepy little town.
Let's grow old together, just us two,
I found my happily ever after in you.

HOOK

I know there will be troubles, we'll fight,
But when it's darkest I'll be your light,
The future is coming, clear and in sight,
Give me your hand, let me hold it tight,
Understand that although this moment right
now might not be happy and bright,
There is much more in store, i am quite
Sure of this, we'll prevail despite
Obstacles, let's keep eachother upright,
Until the day our dreams take flight,
And take us both to greater heights,
Our destiny is a book, pages blank and white,
A story only we are able to write,
Instead of a novel doomed to recite,
Perpetual fates. As long as we unite
We can take on the haters with their spite,
I'm excited, I strike a match and ignite,
The fuse leading to your hearts dynamite,
Hoping an explosion of love is what I incite,
Or at least a spark of mutual delight.

I promise one day everything will be alright,
Tomorrow isnt promised but at least we have tonight.

I spent most my life fitting in
Shapeshifter in my own skin
To squeeze to whatever size
Matched the proportion of everyones lies

I want to be with you

Not if that means being lied to

I spent all night attempting to take
Care of you even after you said
I was needy, I stayed awake
Sober while I put you to bed.

I covered you in blankets we shared
Wiped puke off of your face
I did not mind having to stay there
(Boots weren't that hard to unlace)

Helping makes me feel good
If I was the one passed out by two
I know without doubt you would
Take care of me the same way too

I am sorry for the words I say
When feeling down and blue
I only shout that I hate your guts
When I see you hate mine too
I am sorry for taking for granted
The little things done each day
Making food to cheer me up
Asking twice if I am okay
I am sorry for hurting your feelings
With selfish careless actions
I do not realize how harmful I can be
Until I witness your pained reactions
I am sorry for making you worry
Not listening to your advice
Blaming your flawed genetics
For the reason I'm colder than ice
You deserve a much better daughter
Who takes time to care
Someone not only always honest
But who also wants you to share

Hopefully
We live to see
The day I once again make you proud
I strive to grow
And be what you always hoped
Somehow

Until
That day arrives I will
Keep giving you what I can
You will be there every
Step of the way accepting me
For the miserable mess I am

Let my silence be a lesson
To be careful what you choose
You dropped what you assumed would always be there
Now you covet the thing you lose

Your life is absent of my sincere words
And you miss the way they sound
Yet you took my voice for granted
All the time it was around

What you did not bother to say
Was what my spoken thoughts meant to you
I expressed my love for you every day
But you couldn't tell me too

I want you to live, why don't you?
Set in self-destructive ways,
Wish I had the power to help you heal,
You are so gone you don't want to be saved.

Crowded bar
Drink held in hand
Music blaring loud
Pretty sure my soul is ******
After the second round

Shot of whiskey down throat
One more to follow
Sea of ***** keeping afloat
Weightless with each swallow

Dizzy head
Thick and light
Clouded
Pulsing
And hazy
Tiredness drags down my sight
Legs relaxed and lazy

Warmth spreads throughout torso
Fingertips begin to tingle
Euphoria inside my brain grows
My neurons and serotonin mingle

Air heavy
Sweat and motion
Humid heat clinging to my skin
Around me is a blurred commotion
Logic and sense wearing thin

Tummy performing cartwheels
Whole place unbalanced and dark
Stool wobbly underneath my heels
Bartender pouring from a fifth of Monarch

Saturday night in a tiny town
Where everything else is just too far
So you find yourself driving the same road down
To the local nothing-better-to-do bar

It is hard to dream of you at night
Yet not see your face at all in the day
I desperately need to hear your voice
But when we talk I don't know what to say

I'm tired of living life like this
I hate waking up knowing you're not there
I'm still madly in love with you
But you're too happy to notice or care

I just want to call you again
And tell you how everything is wrong
I wish I could let my feelings pour out
I miss you and it's so hard to be strong

It doesn't matter what I do
Or where I go, you're always on my mind
I'm stuck in the past, I can't move on
I'm not ready to leave this behind

I don't want to be with anyone else
I forgive you but I can't forget
I had the best year of my life with you
And I'm not angry, just upset

I ask questions that have no answers
Why did this have to happen to me?
What did I do to do to deserve this?
Who is it you want me to be?

I've tried to be enough for you
But people can't change overnight
And I'm starting to realize
That with you I'll never win the fight.

One moment I think I'm still special
And the next you prove that I'm not
You used to text me all the time
Now I'm just an afterthought

You're not afraid of losing me
In fact it seems like you're doing just fine
It's clear you don't need me to hold or kiss
I wonder who will be your Valentine

I'm alone this year and memories
Twist tightly around my bitter heart
The empty space beside me is just
a reminder that I'm still torn apart

I know that this sounds pathetic
But I cry whenever I can't sleep
I count the days we spent together
Instead of numbers or jumping sheep

It's embarrassing but sometimes
I talk to myself in the mirror
I tell my reflection all of the words
I want to stammer that you'll never hear

I'm longing to feel your arms around me
No one has ever mattered this much
I love how you light my skin on fire
I hate that I'm sick without your touch

I despise the girl I've become
Begging for your warm affection
I fear that despite my best efforts
I wont ever achieve perfection

I wouldn't ask you to be different
I accept you for who you are
In my eyes your flaws are beautiful
I love and appreciate every scar

You're not the person I fell for
You've changed but I still feel the same
Even now you have the power
To drive me crazy just by saying my name

I'm holding onto what we had
Although everyone agrees I should let go
Friends ask me why I can't move on
I just shrug and say "I don't really know"

My bed is too big and cold these days
My head is bursting at the seams
It hurts to sleep alone at night
But at least I have you in my dreams

Pain within my every word
Mental instability
Never very kind or patient
Definitely not conducive to tranquility

Oh to be free all I long for
World exterminated of hate
Something I've dreamt about often
Life has refused to cooperate

Relaxation an overstayed houseguest
Won't take my subtle hints to leave
Some think I enjoy lazy demeanor
Desperately wish goals I could acheive

I'm not worthless degenerate
Just process events differently than most
A am a lost soul fighting depression
Inside haunted by a nameless ghost

With zero way to discover a road to bliss
Words I scribble my comfort when dark
Everything is a fleeting experience
Perception altered by every harmful remark

Is swallowing truth so hard
That it sticks in back of my throat?
If it is I'll forcefully choke it down
Weight why it's difficult to float