We sit in this room
across from one another
in silence

I try to look at everything
but you

I feel your eyes on me

I feel them roaming
as if your hands are on my body

how is that even possible

it's as if you're right beside me
grazing your fingers where they please

Your lips following their trail

lingering here and there
exploring every dip and hollow

The room feels so tight
this tension is something I can't explain
this silence so deep

I feel so restless
I want to burn something
break something
move

I chance a glance
and our eyes collide

****

what is this feeling
how can something feel so hot

I try to look away
but I'm frozen

I wait
But your eyes are still on mine

A silent challenge

You get up and leave the room

...

And I follow

Let my silence teach you

what my words

did not

You said to me

Your tears are like diamonds

I want to catch them all
And cherish them away

So that one day
When I've caught enough

I can give you back a crown
Befitting a Queen.

I'm weird because I like it.
I'm weird because I'm cool.
In my novel, movie and musical,
I am both the Stars and the Moon.
The only outcast present,
is your attitude and you.
So when you try to judge me,
the world is judging you.

Depression is mine to control

Mine alone in me is mine
As another's in them is theirs

So no two depressions can ever be the same
And yet like gold melded jade, sisters they are

Why should sister and sister be forced apart?
What do they fear?

Is it them? Is it us?
To finally admit that sisters are twins?

Of the exact same blood < in essence, in pain

Noble to only whose vains they run
but deeper than a true Suns lineage

In knowing that what is reflected as a mirror is exactly what's seen

But the fear of being the same is what drives them to shame

So what of this power that let eyes be mirrors
waiting for hope to appear?

Depression is < mind =to= control

I tiptoe across the wooden floor avoiding all the creaks.
Moonlight streaming through open windows of a silent summer night,
casting shadows over rumpled sheets of a well-used king size bed.
I hear the water running in the bathroom across the hall,
grabbing clothing strewed around the room I move with ninja speed.
Hunting for the elusive pair of ******* I just can’t seem to find.
Forget it, time is almost running out, I need to leave before that door opens.
Rushing now I grab my stash and head for the front door,
lightly hopping, stealthily propping as I pull on piece by piece.
Last, my shoes, I grab as I unlock the front door,
grab my keys, leave the note and run out barefoot.
“It was fun, I had to run, see you again someday,”
get in my car, start the engine, drive, drive away.

I am an Inspiration.
By being,
I am paving a pathway.
For some to follow,
to duplicate,
to improve.
But overtime,
pathways erode.
The cracks slowly become noticeable.
And the path, not as even as it once was,
breaks away,
piece by piece.
What was reliability,
is now uncertainty.
Do I step,
unsure of sound ground?
Questioning, yet I continue down this path.
Because I learn,
I learn everyday.
A path is imperfect.
There are no two alike.
Similarities maybe,
but an individual path,
for a single walker.
What once was,
will never be again.
Acceptance,
and learned inspiration
springs determination.
To not let an eroding path,
erode the soul that forged it.

Knowing how to paint is key, so they say,
When to brush and stroke, or erase it away.
But some painters out there just cannot paint,
They keep adding and adding; makes me faint!
Without knowledge or a care for the rest,
These women slather on makeup with zest!
Some demonic possession is at work;
Like some creature in the dark on the lurk,
Waiting for a victim who they can jump,
To ****** and caress and um, ****…
But enough of these victims, these lost men,
It is these creatures of “virtue,” these women!
Who capture the eye of peers with disdain,
Who then suffer in agony and pain!
Let us look at this process at it’s core;
But not to the point where it is a bore!
How the blank canvas of a womans face,
Is slowly and precisely won through race,
Of multiple brushes dabbing at paint,
Trying to turn a sinner to a saint!
The fine brush used to paint plump lips bright red,
And pale powders of primer of the dead.
To seize the image of porcelain death,
To mimic the perfection of Queen Beth.
The slight graze of the check with some faint pink,
And the strong tracing of the blackest ink!
On the lids and the lash of the blind eye,
Who fails to see that their face is a lie.
But for me that is surely not the case,
For in the mirror that is not my face!

You ever just look at an old photograph

One where you were bright eyed

Toothy grin from ear to ear

And you just stare at it

Really stare at it

and can't help but think

God




How the hell

Were you ever that young

Pounding, pounding,
gravel, grass.
Concrete,
soil,
mulch,
my path.
Where should I go?
Stall,
decide,
hesitate,
choose.
I am alone, there is time.
My body says left so left I go.
My goal in mind, pick up the pace,
concentrate, relax,
breathe,
run,
escape.

When you fall in love you feel as if your heart is about to explode,

as if it can't take another moment in your chest.

You feel as if the world is more vivid, colours sharper, tastes sweeter,

anything is possible if you just try.

You feel as if your skin is tight, your heart racing, mouth dry,

waiting for a look or a touch.

The panic you feel is indescribable, incomprehensible,

because he is the One.

But when you see him with someone else,

it's as if your heart is about to shatter,

not able to withstand the constant tearing and breaking that has begun.

You feel as if darkness has surrounded your world, making you dumb,

blind and deaf,

nothing left, no sun.

You feel your body crumble, heart stop, mouth quiver,

on a heartbreaking, convulsing cry.

The pain you feel is unbearable, undeniable,

because he was the One.

Let me ask what your heart truly desires.

A question you've never been asked.

Take a minute, don’t rush your answer.

I can wait forever if you can't.

But all I want to know,

one thing before I go,

is,

can you see me in your future?

Sharing things you've never shared before?

Loving like you’ll never love again?

Wanting like you've never wanted more?

Can you see me in your future?

Selfish me, wanting all your answers,

desires you've hid away from the world,

a world where you feel all alone.

But even though you've sealed your heart up tight,

locked the doors and threw away the keys,

still I’ll ask you,

can you see me in your future?

Even with my own battered heart,

shattered from several tossed remarks,

I ask, will I be enough?

Enough to start your heart again?

To unlock your doors and open wide,

the heart you hide away inside?

What could it hurt?

The thought of you and I?

Because for me,

I can see you in my future.

Have you eaten yet?
When are you getting home?
Where are you going?
I thought that we...
How long will it take?
Whose with you?
Can I come?
I'm worried.

Says, Love

May we meet again.
Someday not too far.
To give us time to heal,
and feel once again.
On a sunny day with wet grass.
By lakes of crystal and trees of brass.
Through burrowed Mountains we shall run,
to reach peaks of power and fortitude.
Where we two will be one,
once again whole and full,
and no longer looking to the shadows
for food.
But until that time...
let us wander a bit more,
until we are ready to come home.

I hope my words haunt you

Because once they do

You'll know I was right

I feel like I have to steal myself from you

but it doesn't even matter
because you make me believe that
that's all I need

stolen pieces you've given 'permission' for me to steal

like I don't still have me






an impossibility
a dream


does it even matter
I will always have me
does it even matter

I string up my hammock for two,
and lay in it alone,
listening to the trees whisper to one another.
How I long to hear their songs
and giggle to their stories
of centuries past and times forgotten.
The wind rocks me close to her *****
while the sun shines down on the children
hoping from flower to flower and between blades of grass.
But my eyes grow heavy, and I struggle to stay.
Then I hear them,
laughingly say,
rest now child;
all is well.

how can I hear the call
but ignore the cry?

All waves

turn to smooth waters

eventually

Before my time is up,
and this moment in life passes,
I want you in every fiber of my being.
So when this body withers,
and ash is dust once more,
I want my soul to be
slowly consumed by yours.

I am a Queen

who looked to a Prince
for the respect of a King

Never again

shall I take this crown off
to appease a man

who wont stand beside me
while I wear it

there are some days when it's the headache and you, not you and the headache.

just pound after pound, the core of your brain. the beat you never intended to dance to. and look at us, puppets.

like a ball on a string, our heads rattling around, unaware that heads don't rattle.

trying to push away the push of pain through pills that we pop to pop this pressure point.

but figuring out where to place the pin is the pause.

you don't want to make it worse, but if you can't make it better, best to just...not.

how do normal people function? what is this magical nirvana of blissful calm state? how does one close their eyes and sleep?

when headache likes to play, you can only hope they don't pull the string too hard.

Must be nice

to pick and choose
when Im worthy enough

to be a part of your life


Too bad
Im not an option

I am ashamed.
I have failed so many times.
I no longer believe.
Believe in myself,
in my world,
in my dreams.
This weight on my heart,
so deep and dark,
slowly crushing me from within.
It's so hard to escape,
to breathe.
So frustrating.
Sleepless nights,
stressing.
Second guessing everything;
Everyone.
Feelings I can't control...
or defeat.
A drop away from drowning;
Suffocating.
I need help.
So many hands extended,
but some wither; some fake.
Unsure of who to trust,
which hand to take.
Head pounding,
heart racing,
four am panic attacks.
I don't want to let my parents down,
but I already have.
They haven't said it,
but I can see it,
feel it.
No explanations needed.
It's not all in my head!
It can't be.
But what if it is?
What do I do?
I'm lost.
But not all those who wander are lost...
right?
I've been wandering for so long,
When will I be found?

You've got mail

Is it weird that I want to hear that again

Not
you have a notification

but mail

Waking up and running to the mailbox
heart pounding with excitement and fear

is your letter here yet


That one thought
everyday
carrying my little legs
racing
in the hopes that I would see your handwriting

and when that letter finally came

like a squirrel with a prized nut
I race away to the safety of my bed with
a flashlight
some poptarts

and pages of your letter

So happy



that I have a friend like you.

Discipline is not taught in a day

Let me build you

Let me build you
brick by brick

Let me layer the concrete
and add the stone

Strong and sure and beautiful

Let me give you foundation

A place to stand

to hold your own against rain
and snow

wind and storms

To house your own and be a home

Let me give you fire
and warmth

power and purpose

Let me do this for you

and lets name it love.

Today I told you how I felt
How stupid I was to show you my heart
How I wish I could turn back time
and the worst part
you didn't even know I was talking about you.

You lied
and said
you were the Sun

How foolish I was
to keep you
in my Sky

Today was a bit easier
I realized that I didn't cry when I thought about you

Instead I was laughing at something stupid that I did
Remembering that moment I spilt my drink everywhere
and all you said was

Sauds

And even though I rushed to clean it up
you were right there beside me mopping up my mess

Laughing and commenting on my cleaning abilities

I felt bad that I made you wait
but you didn't care
cause that's just the type of guy you were

An easy smile and an open hand
ready at any moment to reach out
and help

I wish we could have helped you
I wish we saw something sooner
I wish I had the power to give you some of my years
cause Lord knows you would have used them wiser

But I know I shouldn't say that
think that
because it wont make the hurt go away

It wont bring you back
but that hope that you'll walk through the door is still there

I don't think it will ever go away

Nature is my mother, my father man,
together or apart my life in their hands.
Each owns thought shape my being,
deciding, deciding, am I ready yet?
To face the world and reflect it’s thoughts.
Why am I here? Who am I? What is this box?
Never knowing the answer, but seeing through my soul.
How do they know? Why can they see me? Will I ever be told?
Then they decide who I will finally be.
Whether to hurt or protect? We shall finally see.
But I warn you,
before,
you decide that you can,
define me, refine me, change me by hand.
That I am you and you are me,
and without due care,
you might untimely see,
us shatter.

Never again
will I define
beauty through your eyes

I've learned


mine are enough

And with Silence
we learn



the true meaning of Death

You were right for my soul

But not for my head
Or my heart

That's what makes this so hard

Do you sometimes feel like a pillar

Like you are the last thing holding everything and everyone up

Like you are the last thread preventing everything from unraveling

So much so that you are not allowed to rest

That if you do
The hairline fractures in your foundation might widen

Might become cracks that are no longer safe

That anymore pressure will cause it all to collapse

And that at the end of the day
You are the only one eroding

The only one who no longer can stand tall and true

Can no longer be a pillar for you

To slowly become dust

Picked up by the wind
Swept away and forgotten

A thousand words are in my soul,

a thousand words I can't control.

A thousand words I ache to say,

a thousand words I locked away.

A thousand words that are true,

a thousand words just for you.

A thousand words I can't deny,

a thousand words that make me cry.

A thousand words that lay in wait,

a thousand words a day too late.

A thousand words never said,

a thousand words from the dead.

I decided to give you back

I know now



I thrive with those who see
where I begin

sometimes silence is that friend you haven't seen in a long time, who you need to work past that awkward, "who are we together," stage again.

It is only until Death comes knocking at our door
that we realize we have never left the house.

I lost a friend last week.

Jesus

I don't even know what to write
but I have to
If I don't, I will feel too much
and I wont know what to do with myself

I cry every night because of how much it hurts
If you ask me though, I can't even tell you why

because that's what I cry
why.

22

he was only 22.

so much life! so much everything
and like that
gone

The only peace I have
is that I was lucky enough to say goodbye

but even that
is no peace

I cried to his mom
God
his mom

and with a huge smile she tells me to stop crying
a smile just like his and she says it's okay
this is only a see you again, not a goodbye

we wrote all over your coffin
with colorful markers
all the memories we shared

the hopes we have for you
the dreams we will live for you

I hope you read them
I hope you watch us

walk with us
while we walk for you

until that day
until we meet again

I love you

Paolo

And even though our moment has passed,
like a photograph stopping time for all eternity,
the sweet pain of the memory will stay with me,
always.