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Saudia R Oct 2019
Will the fog clear today

Like clockwork
11am
and my eyes open

the same blurry thought makes its way to the surface

will it be today

will the dull dissipate
the confusion clear

this edge of uncertainty
uncertain about possibilities
that might not be possible

this worry

I cannot explain it but my father says I
worry too much

Too much or too little

Too much
too much
too much

dense whispers
in the light of the shadow

but what exactly to see

11am
Will the fog clear today
Saudia R Dec 2018
Let my silence teach you

what my words

did not
This year, do not explain yourself (especially repeatedly) to someone who does not listen. Let your silence be your response.
Saudia R Mar 2019
I hope my words haunt you

Because when they do

You'll know I'm right
Saudia R Dec 2011
A thousand words are in my soul,

a thousand words I can't control.

A thousand words I ache to say,

a thousand words I locked away.

A thousand words that are true,

a thousand words just for you.

A thousand words I can't deny,

a thousand words that make me cry.

A thousand words that lay in wait,

a thousand words a day too late.

A thousand words never said,

a thousand words from the dead.
Saudia R Aug 2019
Never again
will I define
beauty through your eyes

I've learned


mine are enough
Saudia R Aug 2013
Knowing how to paint is key, so they say,
When to brush and stroke, or erase it away.
But some painters out there just cannot paint,
They keep adding and adding; makes me faint!
Without knowledge or a care for the rest,
These women slather on makeup with zest!
Some demonic possession is at work;
Like some creature in the dark on the lurk,
Waiting for a victim who they can jump,
To ****** and caress and um, ****…
But enough of these victims, these lost men,
It is these creatures of “virtue,” these women!
Who capture the eye of peers with disdain,
Who then suffer in agony and pain!
Let us look at this process at it’s core;
But not to the point where it is a bore!
How the blank canvas of a womans face,
Is slowly and precisely won through race,
Of multiple brushes dabbing at paint,
Trying to turn a sinner to a saint!
The fine brush used to paint plump lips bright red,
And pale powders of primer of the dead.
To seize the image of porcelain death,
To mimic the perfection of Queen Beth.
The slight graze of the check with some faint pink,
And the strong tracing of the blackest ink!
On the lids and the lash of the blind eye,
Who fails to see that their face is a lie.
But for me that is surely not the case,
For in the mirror that is not my face!
Saudia R Oct 2019
Discipline is not taught in a day
I've been on a vibe. Happiness is everything.
Saudia R May 2016
A road less traveled
is one I follow
as a child of loss
and sorrow.
I weave a path
of smoke and ash
to burn the memories
of days past.
Something I wrote about 6 years ago that I just found in one of my old journals.
Saudia R May 6
see what you must





then take the steps to go where you should
Saudia R Jul 2018
You said to me

Your tears are like diamonds

I want to catch them all
And cherish them away

So that one day
When I have enough

I can give you back a crown
Befitting a Queen.
Saudia R Feb 2018
How easy it is
To say
Chase your dreams

Than to actually
Stop
And live them
Saudia R Dec 2013
Pounding, pounding,
gravel, grass.
Concrete,
soil,
mulch,
my path.
Where should I go?
Stall,
decide,
hesitate,
choose.
I am alone, there is time.
My body says left so left I go.
My goal in mind, pick up the pace,
concentrate, relax,
breathe,
run,
escape.
Saudia R Jan 2018
Sometimes
I wish you would
Fade away
And take these feelings
With you
Saudia R Mar 2016
I am an Inspiration.
By being,
I am paving a pathway.
For some to follow,
to duplicate,
to improve.
But overtime,
pathways erode.
The cracks slowly become noticeable.
And the path, not as even as it once was,
breaks away,
piece by piece.
What was reliability,
is now uncertainty.
Do I step,
unsure of sound ground?
Questioning, yet I continue down this path.
Because I learn,
I learn everyday.
A path is imperfect.
There are no two alike.
Similarities maybe,
but an individual path,
for a single walker.
What once was,
will never be again.
Acceptance,
and learned inspiration
springs determination.
To not let an eroding path,
erode the soul that forged it.
Saudia R Apr 2016
What once was,
will never be again,
but maybe that is how
it was always meant to be.
Saudia R Sep 2018
You fed my mind
and I was hoping that
you would feed my heart too

I felt like a fool when I said that to you

All you could do was stare
but in the end
now my mind is clear

No more doubts
or second guesses

No more worries
or jealousy over someone I never had

I can move on from this idea of we
to the idea of me

to cherish myself
nurture my mind
soothe my soul

and when I no longer think of you
when the right one comes along

I wont have to ask
Saudia R Jan 2018
Why am I scared
To make us
More than friends?
Saudia R Aug 2013
The friend zone; A place I truly detest.
I've never been here before, it’s hard.
I laugh at your jokes until tears fall from my eyes!
I want to know,
do you share my feelings?
I graze your arm and my heartbeat quickens;
The electricity takes me so high!
I look into your eyes and feel the ground shift,
I want to know,
do you share my feelings?
You make me feel like you do,
and then you change the way you act!
But the very next day we are back at the start,
tell me!
Do you share my feelings!?
An endless circle we weave,
I just can’t catch my breath.
Please,
do you share my feelings?
Saudia R Feb 2018
How sad it is
That you do not realize
The love that is here for you

If only you choose to
Turn your gaze toward me.
Saudia R Jan 2018
I've given too much
to care so little
Saudia R Apr 2016
Two halves of a whole
but never the whole of a half.
So,
what to do now?
Saudia R Jun 2016
I string up my hammock for two,
and lay in it alone,
listening to the trees whisper to one another.
How I long to hear their songs
and giggle to their stories
of centuries past and times forgotten.
The wind rocks me close to her *****
while the sun shines down on the children
hoping from flower to flower and between blades of grass.
But my eyes grow heavy, and I struggle to stay.
Then I hear them,
laughingly say,
rest now child;
all is well.
Saudia R Apr 2016
I wish you said yes.
I'm glad you said no.
Saudia R Dec 2019
there are some days when it's the headache and you, not you and the headache.

just pound after pound, the core of your brain. the beat you never intended to dance to. and look at us, puppets.

like a ball on a string, our heads rattling around, unaware that heads don't rattle.

trying to push away the push of pain through pills that we pop to pop this pressure point.

but figuring out where to place the pin is the pause.

you don't want to make it worse, but if you can't make it better, best to just...not.

how do normal people function? what is this magical nirvana of blissful calm state? how does one close their eyes and sleep?

when headache likes to play, you can only hope they don't pull the string too hard.
sometime you want to drink the coffee and say **** it.
Saudia R Oct 2018
Its as they say

with time
even the deepest wound
will heal

For a moment
I let myself believe
your lies

that the wound you left on my heart
would never heal

but today
as I awoke
the sunlight filtering through
my window

my first thought
wasnt of you
Saudia R Dec 2011
When you fall in love you feel as if your heart is about to explode,

as if it can't take another moment in your chest.

You feel as if the world is more vivid, colours sharper, tastes sweeter,

anything is possible if you just try.

You feel as if your skin is tight, your heart racing, mouth dry,

waiting for a look or a touch.

The panic you feel is indescribable, incomprehensible,

because he is the One.

But when you see him with someone else,

it's as if your heart is about to shatter,

not able to withstand the constant tearing and breaking that has begun.

You feel as if darkness has surrounded your world, making you dumb,

blind and deaf,

nothing left, no sun.

You feel your body crumble, heart stop, mouth quiver,

on a heartbreaking, convulsing cry.

The pain you feel is unbearable, undeniable,

because he was the One.
Saudia R Jan 2018
Let me build you

Let me build you
brick by brick

Let me layer the concrete
and add the stone

Strong and sure and beautiful

Let me give you foundation

A place to stand

to hold your own against rain
and snow

wind and storms

To house your own and be a home

Let me give you fire
and warmth

power and purpose

Let me do this for you

and lets name it love.
Saudia R May 2018
One day

I hope you'll be as free as your laughter
I
Saudia R Jan 2018
I
In time
I too
Shall be
The sun
Saudia R Apr 29
Some days






I feel the wind

a little too well
The saying, you can feel it on the wind, takes on a deeper meaning when you know.
Saudia R Aug 2018
We sit in this room
across from one another
in silence

I try to look at everything
but you

I feel your eyes on me

I feel them roaming
as if your hands are on my body

how is that even possible

it's as if you're right beside me
grazing your fingers where they please

Your lips following their trail

lingering here and there
exploring every dip and hollow

The room feels so tight
this tension is something I can't explain
this silence so deep

I feel so restless
I want to burn something
break something
move

I chance a glance
and our eyes collide

****

what is this feeling
how can something feel so hot

I try to look away
but I'm frozen

I wait
But your eyes are still on mine

A silent challenge

You get up and leave the room

...

And I follow
Saudia R Dec 2013
Let me ask what your heart truly desires.

A question you've never been asked.

Take a minute, don’t rush your answer.

I can wait forever if you can't.

But all I want to know,

one thing before I go,

is,

can you see me in your future?

Sharing things you've never shared before?

Loving like you’ll never love again?

Wanting like you've never wanted more?

Can you see me in your future?

Selfish me, wanting all your answers,

desires you've hid away from the world,

a world where you feel all alone.

But even though you've sealed your heart up tight,

locked the doors and threw away the keys,

still I’ll ask you,

can you see me in your future?

Even with my own battered heart,

shattered from several tossed remarks,

I ask, will I be enough?

Enough to start your heart again?

To unlock your doors and open wide,

the heart you hide away inside?

What could it hurt?

The thought of you and I?

Because for me,

I can see you in my future.
Wrote this after spending the whole night watching a really sad/thrilling/romantic Korean Drama. Not sure what spurred me to dance away over my keyboard. Even the topic came out of nowhere, but not one to question random inspiration, I took to key and let my thoughts run wild. Hopefully it doesn't just sound great to me because I'm going crazy from lack of sleep >.<
Saudia R Aug 2016
It is only until Death comes knocking at our door
that we realize we have never left the house.
Saudia R Dec 2011
He came out, out of nowhere,

as I watched the sun set.

He took a seat beside me and asked,

"Are you ready yet?"

I kept on gazing forward,

as he waited for my reply.

Then I put my hand in his one,

"Yes Death, I think it's time."
Saudia R May 12
I don't know when I started to realize the hurt

The real reason why this feels like fingers pressed against glass

pushing

So fragile this barrier dividing us
with the answers so clear

And still

as if connection never existed
we live as strangers within ourselves

and with each other

Until there comes a day

where you finally realize
the glass is a mirror

And that
the anger
the resentment
the hurt

you thought you were seeing through


you were actually seeing reflected back













That's the day you wake up
Saudia R Oct 2019
You've got mail

Is it weird that I want to hear that again

Not
you have a notification

but mail

Waking up and running to the mailbox
heart pounding with excitement and fear

is your letter here yet


That one thought
everyday
carrying my little legs
racing
in the hopes that I would see your handwriting

and when that letter finally came

like a squirrel with a prized nut
I race away to the safety of my bed with
a flashlight
some poptarts

and pages of your letter

So happy



that I have a friend like you.
Communication is so important in our lives, and I feel like because we have the wonders of tech (not bad) we have lost some of the magic of words. The anticipation of reading someones thoughts, hopes, dreams, failures etc, with flecks of their character peppered in their letter. From their style of writing, their favourite ink, paper that they love and stamps and seals that add that last piece of love. We should bring back the beauty of writing. We have so many alternatives to write on, hemp is on the up and up. We will be able to respect the environment and bring back the magic of written language.
Saudia R Aug 2013
To you my dear,
this song I sing,
to show my hearts desire.
I swirl each line,
as sweet as wine,
until the day I tire.
I sit and wait,
for our first date,
to see if you do love me.
For if you show,
I’ll surely know,
that God is up there smiling.
But if you’re late,
and make me wait,
until the early morning…
I’ll get my gun,
and shoot you down,
and find another darling.
Saudia R Jun 2019
And with Silence
we learn



the true meaning of Death
Saudia R Jan 2018
Maybe
One day
I'll tell you

But for now
My story

Is mine
Saudia R Dec 2018
A moment

That's all it takes

A single moment

The touch of a loved one
The laugh of a stranger
The shy smile from the little boy
hiding behind his mother's leg

There and then not

Did you savour it
Lean into it
Let it sink deep

Or did it pass you
Did you let it slip away
Unaware of its purpose

One moment



That's all it takes
For Paolo ❤. Missing you alot today. September 18th 1995 - March 18th 2018
Saudia R Jan 2014
I'm weird because I like it.
I'm weird because I'm cool.
In my novel, movie and musical,
I am both the Stars and the Moon.
The only outcast present,
is your attitude and you.
So when you try to judge me,
the world is judging you.
Saudia R Aug 2013
I tiptoe across the wooden floor avoiding all the creaks.
Moonlight streaming through open windows of a silent summer night,
casting shadows over rumpled sheets of a well-used king size bed.
I hear the water running in the bathroom across the hall,
grabbing clothing strewed around the room I move with ninja speed.
Hunting for the elusive pair of ******* I just can’t seem to find.
Forget it, time is almost running out, I need to leave before that door opens.
Rushing now I grab my stash and head for the front door,
lightly hopping, stealthily propping as I pull on piece by piece.
Last, my shoes, I grab as I unlock the front door,
grab my keys, leave the note and run out barefoot.
“It was fun, I had to run, see you again someday,”
get in my car, start the engine, drive, drive away.
Saudia R Sep 2018
Must be nice

to pick and choose
when Im worthy enough

to be a part of your life


Too bad
Im not an option
Saudia R Jan 2018
I sit and watch
as the stain slowly seeps
into the fibers of our white carpet

You stand and watch
as the stain of red
deepens on the hand print on my cheek

The silence in the house
grows heavy
with the stillness
of the moment

Waiting on the edge of patience
to see
who will explode first

But the silence
will be disappointed
to know that this time
will be different

You stare in shock
at the outcome of your actions
but I wait no longer to reply

I slip off the shackle
of metal and rock
and place it carefully on the table

And leave my seat
unoccupied
for today
tomorrow
and the day after that

I head for the door
ignoring your please
and calls
that you'll change

It's over
I'm done
I'm never coming back
Saudia R Mar 2018
I lost a friend last week.

Jesus

I don't even know what to write
but I have to
If I don't, I will feel too much
and I wont know what to do with myself

I cry every night because of how much it hurts
If you ask me though, I can't even tell you why

because that's what I cry
why.

22

he was only 22.

so much life! so much everything
and like that
gone

The only peace I have
is that I was lucky enough to say goodbye

but even that
is no peace

I cried to his mom
God
his mom

and with a huge smile she tells me to stop crying
a smile just like his and she says it's okay
this is only a see you again, not a goodbye

we wrote all over your coffin
with colorful markers
all the memories we shared

the hopes we have for you
the dreams we will live for you

I hope you read them
I hope you watch us

walk with us
while we walk for you

until that day
until we meet again

I love you

Paolo
September 18th 1995 - March 18th 2018
Saudia R Apr 28
And so I rest

as if every dream that has been




never was to begin with
Saudia R May 2019
You ever just look at an old photograph

One where you were bright eyed

Toothy grin from ear to ear

And you just stare at it

Really stare at it

and can't help but think

God




How the hell

Were you ever that young
Couldn't believe the way I used to think. The things I would say to myself. I really wish I could go back in time, not even to change anything, but to give younger me a glimpse of why she has to go through all her hardships and why it was the best thing to ever happen. #strongerforit #thankfulformysupport
Saudia R Aug 2018
Do you sometimes feel like a pillar

Like you are the last thing holding everything and everyone up

Like you are the last thread preventing everything from unraveling

So much so that you are not allowed to rest

That if you do
The hairline fractures in your foundation might widen

Might become cracks that are no longer safe

That anymore pressure will cause it all to collapse

And that at the end of the day
You are the only one eroding

The only one who no longer can stand tall and true

Can no longer be a pillar for you

To slowly become dust

Picked up by the wind
Swept away and forgotten
You can only support those around you for so long. Be selfish; care for yourself as well.
Saudia R Aug 2015
I'm stuck, and I can't get out of this glass box I've put myself in.
My destination is so clear, yet the steps I take lead me no where.
I can see, but I can't touch.
I can move, but I can't step forward.
Always in the same place, no matter how much time passes.
I am still, in an ever moving moment.
And I am scared.
Because in this glass box I am safe.
I do not move so I do not change.
Nothing can touch me when I am out of touch with the World.
For in my own Space,
my own Universe,
my own World,
I am both rich and poor, Ruler and subject.
I make my own Laws and I break them.
I see all, yet, I don't see nearly enough.
I can fly, but only so high,
and for this reason I am free within my own prison.
A prison I can shatter with a pin, but can't even crack with a hammer.
A prison that if I so choose, can unlock, with a single key.
A key, I've had in the palm of my hand, since it's creation.
And yet, I still stand in this glass box,
waiting,
  hoping,
that someone will come save me,
because I can't seem to save myself...
yet.
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