Maybe I could live with an empty chest
Would that be so bad?
Maybe my heart could just follow me around like a ball and chain
Until I found a new one
I’m starting to wonder
Would a new heart even fit?

The feeling inside is that of a broken clock
The second hand isn’t ticking
Time has your lungs paralyzed
But even so, at least twice a day you feel like yourself
And you can breathe for a second
Before you lose it all, again

Most would throw a broken clock away
Upgrade to a digital with a million other uses
Instead of replacing the batteries
Or taking it to the horologist
It’s rare that anyone who would pass it on the road
Would turn around to spare it a second glance
No one has time for a broken clock

It’s easy to lose track of time when you’re busy;
When you’re having fun; when you’re in love;
When you feel something other than a roller coaster of emotions
In your mind you wonder how did the screws fall loose?
Nothing makes sense in nightmares
Where images of pink one-eyed monsters chase you down the hall
But time never seems to pass
And somehow you find yourself falling through an hourglass
But the ending always finds you waking up
Broken, staring at a clock

Snowflakes melt in the palm of my hand
No matter how hard I try to prevent it
Droplets slip through my fingers

This is New York in the Fall

Could I have a snow globe to store this feeling - awhile?
I’d like to hold on a moment longer
Could I have a flicker of warmth to duel this cold – awhile?
When dark days crash through

This is New York in the Fall

I stand at a crossroad
Fearful of being left behind
I don’t want to be stranded on the side of the road
Waiting for time to stop
Wishing snowflakes would Freeze!
As if I was 10 again playing a game of wax museum
I’m not ready to give up
When I’m certain I’ll win
In time

This is New York in the Fall

Walked in, showed up out of the blue
wait, waIT,WAIT!
Black feathers fall on marble floor
Elegant, the way he wants to end it all
get out, get OUT, GET OUT!
We fell to the floor
Held on tight as he sobbed
Wanting to forget it all
Held on tight to the enemy

This is New York in the Fall

Said he knew of unrequited love
But he knew nothing
Of impossible things
So, don’t bother with breakfast
If you can’t be bothered to return these feelings
Open-Close-Door

This is New York in the Fall

The shower was running
When he entered the room dripping wet
Caught by surprise and exposed
Well? Kisses on my lips left me startled
Why is it he can’t return this unrequited love?

He is New York in the Fall

Hand on my armor, Hand on my chest
Asking me “Where you going?”
I got to get off this planet before I fall intoxicated by your lips
This armor’s not enough to protect me from your…
Hand on my armor, Hand on my chest
Asking me “What’s your name”
Take a seat, enjoy the show
But I know this armor’s not enough to protect me from
Falling into your vortex

I know I shouldn’t take a chance, sneak a peek at you
From my side of the couch
But I find myself wanting all your attention
Guess I’m just selfish, jealous
This must be how it feels to be in love
Think I like that I won your favor by just being myself
Tear off my armor, Unlock my chest?

It starts out as a simple day
With a raining symphony playing around me
I walk to the bus stop and meet a stranger
Tell her how I’d love to buy a pair of bright blue rain boots
And though others quicken their pace
I find tranquility in the rain
Because she works the pavement like a runway
I find charisma in her words
They hit me the way the rain throws pebbles at my umbrella
I find fulfillment with her by my side
Like the rain collecting in my gutters
Washing away the muck

And on this fine August day
All I see is summertime smiles, bright red umbrellas
Loud noises from cars passing by
On this fine August day
I watch fireflies light up my heart
I watch the twinkle, twinkle of her character
Brighten this fine August day

Many stand on the side lines
Take the small steps and get left behind
Others seem to rush through life
They have every moment planned
But never take a moment to hit the pause
And see the beautiful unfolding of
Who they’ve come to be

With a new age, comes new page to wake up in
And I can only hope I get to wake up in yours
Till we’re 97, sitting on a park bench
Feeding the birds on a Monday morning
Complaining it’s too cold & we’re too cold
Saying all the little things we’ve said a million times
And all the things we didn’t say
Because we don’t have much time before we run out of pages
And you need to know all the little things I didn’t say
These 365 days

Like everything inside you
That you can’t see
I see

Like how I should know you by now
But I know nothing about you
Because you’re always changing
But that only makes you
That much more interesting


Because I cherish all these small moments
These 365 days with you

I’m sure there have been days you wish to erase
I only ask you never erase me from your life
Because I’m sure someday we’ll be fighting
Coming undone in a wildfire
But I have no doubt that
We’ll get home safely
Cause there’s always an exit on the highway
And if you can’t drive
I’ll drive us home

Because I don’t want to be
365 days without you

December has a blistering passion
It nips at your skin with a mutual disdain
Harsh wind dances with silver crystals
Things are spiraling out of control
It must be a dream, held together by a fine thread
Tears are forced back as three little words are uttered “worthless”
Words of venom pouring out, with anger, onto a chapped surface
You’re world is shattered, now you stand alone
at the train station

It’s been a week since the confrontation
Unconsciously, your arms extend to hold a sleeping lover
They meet cold unmade sheets
Drenched with their intoxicating aroma
You no longer have the urge to get out of bed
Because no one stands by the stove for you to wrap your arms around
No one is in the kitchen making breakfast
No one will greet you with a kiss

Now, you stand on the balcony
A blanket of snow falling on your shoulders
A sharp breathe of air gnaws through the ache in your chest
It blisters your lungs with a bitter, bolstering burn  
It’s intolerable how patterns being to emerge
No matter how it starts, it always ends the same
Obliterating how it’s bewitching
To miss the sunflowers is to miss the forget-me-nots
So you close your eyes as the sheets are pulled above your head
And try to get away from December

You’re forced out of bed today
Convinced to go skating
Blades slide across the ice
Let it take control as you watch people walk by
They carry shopping bags
Would the perfect gift get them back?
Your chest constricts unnaturally
It’s time to go home, time to forget December

I saw a boy walk between the bodies
Wearing their dog tags
Carrying their weapons
Dragging their armor
He made them a promise to send the letters
Empty promises they will never keep
They’re not coming home
But they said they would

I saw soldiers
Run towards death on shaky legs
When they stepped off the boats
Out of the trenches
Fly up and down the line
Determination in their eyes
To protect a boy and a girl

I saw a girl walk between the bodies
Placing flowers on their eyes
And a hand beneath their heads
As she took away their screams
Hers shatter the sky
She wiped away their tears
Hers caused a flood
She took away their cold
Her body is painted purple & blue & black
She no longer feels

Abandoned by the world
I saw a veteran fall
At their graves is where he lays
Where he replays the horrors

But we won the war

He saw his friends walk between the graves
They’re wearing their dog tags
Carrying their weapons
Dragging their armor
Determination in their eyes
As they fall and drown in a sea of blood

But we won the war

He sees his friends walk between the graves
Following a boy and a girl

But we won the war

They place flowers on his eyes
And a hand beneath his head
As they take away his screams
Theirs shatter the sky
They wipe away his tears
Theirs cause a flood
They take away his cold
His body is painted purple & blue & black
He no longer feels loss and pain and hurt

They won the war
At the graves

Sent a ******* note calling it an apology
And a phone with a promise that if I needed you all I had to do was call
And I’d be tempted
If your shield never came crashing down on my chest

This is a Civil War
The moment I realize what I’ve always known
I was never your friend
This is the part of the story where you abandon me
In the middle of nowhere
But it’s not like you were ever there  

Shattered my armor, made of iron, into a million pieces
They said engineers could fix anything
Create a brighter, better, brand new future
So I’ll spend the rest of my life fixing my broken heart

This is a Civil War
The moment we disregard peace negotiations
No compromises, it’s all your fault
This is where I stop following orders and take control
I’ll take my chances with the guilt
As it swallows me alive

The longest hours of my life
Waiting in a hospital room
Playing with the lighter,
You gave to me,
As everything you ever said and everything I never said
Came crashing down like that shield on my chest

This is a Civil War
I woke up shouting in the best way
Trembling limbs, anxious heart
But I won’t back down
This is the end of the story
This time I refuse kneel before your monarchy
This Civil War is mine

“What do you want?”

I am
the double braids;
the sunshine in the tutu dress
The linear path
The yellow line
Didn't lead where it was supposed to
(where I thought it would)
I was just trying to catch up

From the McDonald's to the escalator
From the escalator to the McDonald's

I am
An ever-changing labyrinth; A sunflower
Caught in the dead of winter
Suffocating in a sea of strangers
Home isn't where it's supposed to be

From the McDonald's to the escalator
From the escalator to the McDonald's

I know
I can't afford to;
I know
It's best I don't:
Lose my ears
Lose my head;
Lose my feet;
Lose my breath;

But they're not where they're supposed to be
And I can feel myself lose my eyes;
What happened to the linear path?
Where is THAT yellow line?

Third time’s the golden ticket
Get me out of here
Please

From the McDonald's to the escalator
From the escalator to the McDonald's

Ears heard you call my name
Head spun
Feet pushed against marble
Deep breath

Into your warm, comforting embrace
Lift me off the path
Show me the yellow line
Take me where I'm supposed to be

I am
The path less traveled
The yellow line unwinding

“A Happy Meal”

Epilogue
______

Little Miss Sunshine
Sit awhile
Happy Meals turn into ice coffees
We'll wait
No need to worry
We'll be found
Eventually

"Can I steal a fry?"

I watched crimson dance on top of sapphires
Surrounded by moths
I begged forgiveness within their bars
Sent out a prayer for a savior
In return I received a mocking smile
As they took you away from me
In your death I was birthed
I bargained the flames of the raven
To burn the moths
I watched sapphires dance on top of crimson

I’m not who I claim to be
Few can see the chains I drag about
Still, they follow my lead
I’m wired into a new era of empowerment
Where I play the queen accordingly
Taking back control of the world
Reaching for what I want
That which rightfully belongs to me

I don’t know how to fix the mess they made
I can’t reset the past
I can only move forward along a twisted path
Abandoning all the answers
To watch them choke on the feathers they wanted desperately
One day you will understand
And maybe you will accept my apology
But I won’t rest till I get back what they took
I’m searching for that which rightfully belongs to me

Never learned to swim,
If I drove into freezing cold waters,
Would it set me free?
That icy cold grip could numb this pain,
Would instinct take over?
That icy cold rush could steal my breath,
Would I fight to survive—
Or set me free?

There is a black line between the page and the words.
When the line smudges
I get anxious
'Cause it makes the page ugly,
Feels out of control
And I'm wondering do I rip out the page
Or continue the line
What would you do?

As people we live in a broken world
There is no denying that
And we're looking for something
We're empty and we try to fill ourselves with money and cars and *** and happiness...
If someone is hungry enough they'll try to eat their own shoes
If someone is hungry enough they'll eat their own heart
We’re empty and we try to fill ourselves by giving gifts and cards...
For those who have been forgotten and underappreciated
We’re empty and we try to fill ourselves by drawing silly faces on post-it notes and giving away our hearts...
Waiting on a thank you
A smile
Waiting to be held
To feel like someone cared
But we refuse to accept a touch of love
Would it even satisfy the hunger?
It's not what we need
Maybe we don't even know what we need
Maybe all we need is a friend to sit with us in silence
As it tries to split us in two
Because we know we need something
It’s why we eat our shoes
Even though they are worn and scuffed and covered in muck
We eat our shoes
Anything that will give us a temporary relief
The sensation of chewing
Swallowing
But it's killing us
And we think we're solving the problem but it just makes it worse
Because the silence splits us in two
Drags us further away from the warmth we desire
We try to feel loved
We try to feel important
But people are temporary
They leave, we leave, they leave, we leave
But if we remember one thing about each other
Let it be the day we were born into this broken world
And not the day we leave forevermore
Abandoned in the church
Because we can't find what we are searching for in others
Or their products
What am I hungry for?
Love
Belonging
People can't offer that
They let you down
Even the best people die
And in the end everyone will let you down
Every single time
Because they steal and lie and cheat and whisper things to sculpt our opinions of each other
And Jesus I stopped calling out your name a long time ago
I have to accept you’re gone
And my heart shattered into a million pieces a long time ago
But if they remember one thing about me
Let it be the day I was born into a broken world
And not the day I leave them forevermore
Abandoned in the church
Let them remember the simple days
When I made them laugh
When being my friend was the best choice they ever made
When choosing to keep me was the best choice they ever made
When loving me was the best choice they ever made
In this broken world
Was being my friend the best choice you ever made?
Was choosing to keep me the best choice you ever made?
Was loving me the best choice you ever made?
In this broken world

The weekend before
My 26th birthday,
I stood in a church—
Its quiet beauty,
My unshed tears.  

Pleading—
With whom?
I’m not sure.
I lost my faith so long ago.  

Desperate
A powerful injustice
Brought me to my knees.  

Take my strength, my love, my will—
My whole life too.
And lead my loved ones
To where the sea births the sun.  

My pleas must've fallen on deaf ears.
I sat along the shore all summer long,
Watching the sea swallow the sun.


Epilogue
__

It’s just
A
Cold
Day

It’s just  
A  
Black  
Sea  

It’s just
My birthday

.
.
.
  
Twenty seven  
Twenty  
Seven.            
            Seven
Twenty.                                    
Twenty seven  
Seven          

.
.
.

Twenty Seven

.
.
.
27

A part of me is missing
And I don't know how to get it back

I don't understand why I'm so broken

A part of me is missing
And I don't know how to get it back

Agnostic
wandering temples,  
wondering how the stone still stands—  
cracked and worn,  
weathered by storms,  
by wars,  
by careless hands that pass through.

It’s like a labyrinth you can’t  
exist in—  
feel the hedges,  
understand the spirits,  
quiet the noises,  
balance the highs and lows.

The soul—what is it?  
A natural remedy is still just a remedy.  

A waste of time.  
We both know it—  
it’s not meant to be.

Pragmatic
never believed in happily ever after;  
you did the math—  
and it ends with a soft sound,  
the closing of the temple door,  
a coin flip
We hit the ground.

If I had a nickel for every  
“Meeting you was destiny,”
oh, but was it?  
If I had a nickel for every  
“You deserve to be happy,”
oh, but do I?

We’re two sides of the same coin,  
a dream, a folktale,  
a close call.  
We both know it—  
it’s not meant to be
We hit the ground.

Skeptic
All the sharp turns,  
all the downhill spirals,  
all the A.M. conversations—  
you tell me,  
"We'll get through it"

You held me with your voice,
But the edge cuts

Oh, the way you swore
“We’ll get it right this time.”

I’d rather  
mix ***** with water,  
enough to turn my blood to wine—  
Let's just not debate our religion  
in temples.

There is no solace
When we're agnostic, pragmatic, skeptics

We both know it—  
just another close call,  
wasn’t meant to be.

I only wanted to know your love,  
not wander through temples.