I don't want to leave
everything in the past,
I want it to be one of me
And grow so big and beautiful it becomes the outside of me, too.
I will care for my delicate traumas, watering it with my hurt and transforming it into wisdom.
I will teach others with my heart and soul, I will listen with my mind and eyes,
I will see everyone's good even in the darkest depths of their hidden thoughts, but will remain careful with my own good as well.
Made on 07.21.19.
Get beneath your peers
Crawl while in tears.
Drown inundated by consequential shame. Cause you’re the only one to blame.
Your avarice for ****** release isn’t natural.
You’ve conditioned yourself to be this abysmal.
Let your cries resonate, impregnate, and eradicate within you. A morning sickness derived from truth you will succumb to. While this truth grows and evolves within you, it will evacuate your lies behind your truth.
Sullen loneliness withers you, it’s created a monster.
One that pines for intimacy without foster.
Through this eagerness, a dull misunderstanding festers.
One where intimacy is strictly ******.
And it’s enjoyed alone on a phone, ha. How intellectual!
But the primordial need, sets you in greed.
Clear thinking leaves you, and desire is left only true.
However this brief inhuman act of disgusting ****, leaves you in a tut.
With rational thinking back after release. You’re trapped without peace.
Loneliness floods back, and on the attack, charges self reflection, without affection.
You don’t deserve affection. Just affliction.
So you grow ill from your actions.
Don’t stop this introspection. Self disgust is appropriate. So don’t take an ******.
Tenacious pithy feelings will raise your ceilings.
Embrace this self loathing. The shame will strip you of clothing. Now true to yourself and the world, unpolished and furled.
You can act on embellishments, and ignore wants and irrelevance.
often I drag myself out of bed
like I am weighed with anchors
made of sorrow and expectations
often I am unreasonably upset
over nothing and everything at once
from scratchy sweaters to school admissions
often I wonder why I fret
over the smallest failures I commit
and over the little quirks that I have
often I'll ponder all that has gone wrong
and wish I could have changed it all
I will wish to not to think these things again
When you sit alone in bed at 2AM, some thoughts are a little too existential, so you'll wish you never thought at all.
Seek so intently
Fight it so invently
It lies to everyone
It lies in everyone
Seek so intently
Fight it so gently
Ego is resentful
Ego is repugnant
Seek so intently
Seek so intently
Or pine for meaning
In you’re prison cell
stay so fetal
You’ll stay so fertile
Until you venture
Past your hurdle
With a great hurtle
Alone watching tv
Contrasting my self image against characters I envy
I Eventually find emptiness
Who would’ve thought
Quickly but calmly
A bottle of interned coping serum is entombed in the freezer
Minutes go by and I almost forget to take my first dose of the night
But contrasting brings back my thirst
It used to taste terrible
Now it’s bearable
In a few minutes I’m done with the putrid beverage and cool more in the freezer
They go down as painfully as the last one
They’ve done nothing for me but make me feel more infected with loneliness, physically ill, and morbid.
This only set upon me more a more dismal state of mind
And it leaves me full of liquid sadness
Help me get up from this sleep.
I didn't notice falling so deep.
I'm affraid to hear ''his'' reap.
I'm not ready yet, hear me wheep!
I don't want to end this way.
Keep death just a little at bay.
I will make it worth, just let me stay.
I know I have wasted every year and day.
I just fell.
But I'm not affraid of falling anymore.
Don't live once, a reflective poem about wasting my life by making it my own. The only way a person lives beyond dying, is by leaving something behind. This self reflecting poem is therefore my way of saying I'm not ready to waste my life, but it's so hard to leave something behind. I want to mean something, but I keep falling, and one day, I will not fear death anymore.
Look at me in the mirror.
Help me see a little clearer.
Draw me just a little nearer.
Like me a bit more dearer.
Look at me and love me.
Love who I want to be.
Just squeeze your eyes and try to see.
The unnoticable beauty.
But it's no use.
The girl in the mirror dissaproves anyway.
How can one love someone who cannot love oneself.
there are days when i thought that i had lost the only good thing in my life
flew a thousand miles away and did everything i could to get it back
little did i know,
i have found something far more valuable
i've found myself
At 28 years I have become more self-interested
than I have been for two decades.
I am exploring all the granite holds my mind can grip,
all the ways my heart can cleave,
what fits into my body, the feeling of entry and exit,
how invasion stings and where I build my walls,
what quiets my horses and what scatters them galloping.
I used to look outside all the time like a periscope,
but now my navel fascinates me.
For so long it didn’t really matter who I was.
I simply was. I did. I perceived. I acted. I reacted.
The world needed my discovery. I yearned to stomp
all over its trails recording my findings.
Now I am ecologist frantically cataloguing the behaviors,
daily rituals, feeding and mating practices
of the only one of my species. Now it feels paramount
to carve out the hollow where I shall nest,
to place a sign for others, and a pair of binoculars
and a guidebook: “The Wild Me.”
Sometimes, I blame the stars
I ponder the possibility of their alignment being so twisted on the day I was born
Searching for an explanation
Sometimes, I blame my parents
Perhaps the concept of never being good enough, of which they poisoned my brain with, was not just a concept but in fact the truth all along
Sometimes, I blame my teachers
I consider the reinforcement of said concept being pushed down my throat during my years in education
Never good enough to succeed
Never good enough to be loved
Sometimes, I blame God
No, I’m not religious, but the desperation to know the unknown consumes my entire being until I am pushed towards yet another unknown
Sometimes, I blame society
For worshipping such unattainable standards of beauty that one forgets the true meaning of the word
What does it mean to be beautiful?
What does it mean to be loved?
I never blame myself.
Because I know that is where the answer lies and it terrifies me.