to the little bird on the side of the road
i’m sorry i crushed you to bits.
i thought you were just so pretty
that i held you in my soft palms
and crushed you
until my hands were stained with red.

to my friend with the little black curls
i’m sorry i gouged your eyes out.
you see, i thought that i could get lost in them
and since i wanted to remain focused
i dug my nails into those sockets
and ripped them out.

to myself, as i write this,
i’m sorry i tore my heart out.
it was beating far too fast
beating far too lovely
and i left a hole in my chest
because i love myself.

to a name i refuse to say ,
i’m sorry you hurt me.
i’m sorry i hurt you, i mean
you left me… untouched
but since i loved you, loved you so very much
i let you go.

The whole world was gray
November’s first snowy day
Not a single winter racquet

And in the midst of the white
And the foggiest sight
I saw a man in a dark blue jacket.

I’d seen him before
And that I swore
As he was a classmate of mine

In past Fall’s red hue
I remember seeing the blue
Of the man’s dark jacket’s shine

i always saw him in the hall
he wasn’t particularly tall
but wherever i was, he was too

and when i saw him at lunch
my friend told me his hunch:
“i think that blue jacket man might like you”

i admired the admiration
but felt no butterfly-in-stomach sensation
so maybe i had to go and pack it

then the following saturday
when from my classes i was away
i saw the man in the dark blue jacket

he had tried to sit next to me in class
and i told my friends to ask
if i could sit further away from the bloke

in the corners of my eye he was there
How much longer could I bear?
the bare blue of his deep colored coat

so when i was walking home one afternoon
i hadn’t tried to get home too soon
The days only becoming hazier

The winds were speeding fast
A man behind me tried to walk past
I saw the dark blue of his blazer.

he turned to look at me
stopped, starred to see
and began to walk slowly behind

i started sprinting to my abode
snow now down rode
the blue jacket man on my mind

his pace sped up too
and if only i knew
how no one would believe me

was he stalking?
should i start talking?
the blue jacket man’s spree

So I didn’t tell them the truth
I knew their words wouldn’t soothe
His eyes always on me

In the park he was there
Lurking like a ******* nightmare
His aura seemed aquamarine-y

I see him in my room
I know I shouldn’t assume
That that blue jacket is his

How is he everywhere?
You gave me a scare
Now go back to your biz !

He is in my screams.
He is in my dreams.
Blue jacket man, get out!

He is in my eyes
He is in my lies
Flow out with the water spout

He is in my lungs
I’m speaking in tongues
And as my eyes begin to fade

I see a smearing blue
Across my vacant view
That jacket of his facade

That dark blue.
Blue.
blue.

Dear Dreamer,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that no one loved you the way you loved them.
I'm sorry no one stood up for you when you needed it, like how you did for them. He never got the prison sentence he deserved.
He never moved on from you. He knew he could never replace you, and yet he hurt you, and I apologize.
They never reciprocated their feelings, even after you poured your heart into them.

I'm sorry that you recognized their footsteps and had to live in fear.
They didn't fight for you when you needed it, but blamed you, and for that, I'm sorry.
They told you that you were the "troublemaker" and the "angry daughter", but why were you angry?
I'm sorry that they crushed your dreams, Dreamer.

I'm sorry that you had to leave.
I'm sorry that they talked about you behind your back, insulting your name.
They destroyed everything you've ever touched and spread nasty lies about you.
I'm sorry that they altered the truth, the same truth you wished people had heard.

I'm sorry that they had tried to crush the hope and heartbeat of a child.
They turned your blazing fire into a simmering ash, and it was almost fully diminished.
But you kept it burning nonetheless, and you kept dreaming.
So though I am sorry that I wasn't always there, I was always hopeful.
Keep dreaming, My Dreamer.

Best Regards,
You <3

I try to pinpoint when my childlike rage started, but it never started. It was passed through my blood, out of the womb. my mother and father gave me this poison, fire in my blood, that is slowly burning me from the inside out.

Can you see the soil softly shake
As the once-dead zombies burst from it?
They're being revived,
Though they were left to die and decay.
The ice is melting,
And the heat is increasing
Into a blinding fire.
When I finally felt free,
The dead seeds I planted months, years ago
Are slowly sprouting. (A miracle? A curse?)
The world is repeating,
Like they told me it would.
I'm terrified.
The scenes I have escaped
Are creeping around the corner,
Like now-alive zombies.
The memories that I threw to the snow,
They are beginning to grow,
Like flowers in Antarctica.

I looked at the "
                         E
                           L
                             I
                              T
                                E
                                  S
                                    "
                                     and then back at
                                                               us,
                                                                    but I could see
                                                                                           N
                                                                                             O
                                                                                                difference.

When a project has been abandoned, creators of said project will solve small, irrelevant problems, so as to give themselves an ounce of satisfaction, rather than just solve the problem as a whole.

The way others view me,
Their theories are all incorrect,
But I don't know how to crack my own egg shell,
Show them what my soul shows me.
My heart and mind do not line up.
I yearn for things that did me wrong.
Laziness floods my habits and goals,
Until I drown in unsuccess.
I return to the places of my past
And to their people when I feel aloof.
It's weird to think that my friends barely know me,
And the butcher knows me best.

I've never known love
Yes, I've seen the word everywhere
Seen others experience it
Yet I never have
But I thought I did

I mistook lust for love
And when he lusted over the innocence and
purity of my white rabbit self
I assumed that it was love
Because I'd never been loved before

And when I was younger
And he would always physically hurt me
His parents said it meant he liked me
My parents said that's just how boys are
So I assumed that it was love

And back to the first man I've ever dated
Though I don't like to consider him
When he pressured me into a relationship
When he was ten years older than me
But I stayed
Because I thought it was love

And then my freedom was taken for 768 days
Because they caught me talking to the man
I couldn't tell any of my friends
Any of them that I was groomed
Because I didn't know if it "counted" if it was online
I didn't know if it was love

I knew another guy at the time
One who knew my groomer
And I fell in love with him
I thought that I'd finally found love
But after he broke up with me
And crawled back eight months later
He admitted to talking to other people
In the whole sixteen days we dated.
I was partially loved for sixteen days.

And finally, in the spring
I met a third guy I told others about
But I wish I didn't
I asked him to ask me out
But he never did
He responded to my love
With jokes about ****
And sexist remarks, so I left

There have been many other guys along the way
With the two I've dated
One I talked to, one groomed me, one cheated

Lusted, but never loved
Just to fill in for someone else
And I hold my independence proudly
But I've had it ever since I was born

I've watched everyone else fall in love
Yet I watch from the sidelines
Wondering when I'll be loved
Truly loved
For once in my life.

he tore, he wore and ran to me, and tried to eat my brains

the sun and fun that came before, were drowned out by the rains

he left my guts spilling out and a hole inside my head

he left my heart spilling out and left me lying dead

the life that once was part of me had been turned down to scraps

it melted down and seeped out through the earth’s loving cracks

he crushed my light pink lungs and i gasped out a last breath

he gouged out both my eyes, now with the haziness of death

he threw my body to the lake but i floated to the top

blood spilled out of my body but i floated to the top

few citizens of the town saw me floating away that night

but they didn’t report the body, too much of a sight

they blamed me for the fact that i was there, floating dead

they assumed that it was me, with the hole inside my head

upon my blood full of justice, fully full of red

upon my eyes full of revenge, fully full of dead

Everyday, I stand by the port
And wait for the boats to come in
And everyday, when the ship arrives
Not a single person gets off

At least not for me they don't
They run up to their friends
Kiss their lovers hello
Running on the dock with suitcases

They stare at me as they walk past
Only one there with no one to welcome
I feel them staring when I'm not looking
I wish they would stop staring.

Everyday, I stand by the port
Waiting for my sailor to come home
But my sailor never leaves the boat
Please, come home.

I try to find little bits of you in my heart
And no matter how hard I search my ocean depths
For one shining ray of yours
I only find bits of moonlight.
Like a puzzle missing a piece
A part of my perception of you is gone
I cannot leave
No matter how sad you make me
Because my heart remembers
How you'd made me the happiest I'd been
I thought the love was special
But I was standing in the queue
All the others you had been giving love to
Were hidden by walls only you could see
I feel as if my body is being ripped apart
Heart and mind on opposing sides
My body is so numb now
My body is dragging along, like a zombie
Like a puppet, pulled by your strings
Like a heart through the ocean.
I don't even know what I was thinking
Disappointed in you and myself
The person I loved the most
The person I admired most in my life
Has turned a red, beating heart
Into one full of rife

I met my rose in full bloom
But it had to wilt too soon

It was a beautiful painting, in a bright wooden frame
And no two ever looked at it the same

You were like a duck, sailing on a bright blue pond
I never knew that you'd have to go, so far long gone

Your comforting structure had turned to dust
And your shining walls had begun to rust

This place was built on a conjoined dream
It was so much more than we'd ever seen

I learned what it was like in my own mind
I learned what it was like for someone to be so kind

When we saw the rubble, we all held hands
Looking at the ruins and thousand sands

It was the one place where I could be wild
The one place where I could truly be a child

But even though you were destined to fail
Thank you for teaching me how to live, My Vale

I've paid the price, I've sacrificed
Everything to know I'm fighting for the wrong side
You ignited a spark with your deceitful tricks
And I'm left alone with a flaming phoenix
I thought she was hunting me, I'd seen the signs
The glass breaking, and the crowd didn't see
I've been on the wrong side of the lines
Those warnings were coming from me
I feel betrayed, but I stayed, I felt pity for you
Didn't mean to make this start, oh, what could I do?
Pure cranes that once flew in my dreams
Their wings are blooded from you
I have not spent months of recovering
To be treated this way
No more children I'll be mothering
No longer will I stay
I'm disappointed in all people
For you being so deceitful
For all your misleading lies
And I still have to look into your eyes
I'm just surprised that you could be
So confident in the ability to mislead me
The little spark you've created
It has now turned into a flaming lion
If your lies, you'll continue to tell
It'll burn your soul down, and truth as well.

I almost fell down the pit
But I was held up by a thousand strings
I was glad they saved me
But not the pain it brings

It took every muscle to hold me up
For the strings, I had to carry them all
But maybe I want a break
Maybe for once I want to fall

We're attached to the screens
Like we're conjoined by them
Our lives drain before our eyes
As we drown in the Internet lies

As our fingers move in the scrolling motion
We're addicted to their anger-provoking emotions
And we stare at photo-shopped celebrities with love and lust
Wishing that they were ugly and sad like us

We'll text, but leave no message at the tone
All our pregiven love and time we loan
And when we're all scrolling, we're all alone
But we don't notice because we're on the phone

I'm a fox walking around a loaded gun.
I stare into your cold eyes,
And I don't know when to run,
As I stare into my own demise.

I'm a fox waiting around a loaded gun,
Being mocked for my cleverness and wit,
And I'm desperately trying to run,
But I can't plan the timing of it.

I'm a fox running around a loaded gun,
Didn't mean to get myself into this trick,
And as I begin to run,
I hear the gun click.

I remember being alone, stuck in the mud
I remember my hands being stained with red blood
And even when the times got tough
My hard work was never enough
I'm not as perfect as you all see
My whole life I've just been trying to be free
My whole life I've waited to shine
But I'm still waiting for the right time
To you, I'm all a secret
But I'm a stranger, can you feel it?
I guess I'm so used to pain
That I'll take it over warm, summer rain
And when I have to deal with all listed above
There's a weight on my shoulders, that some call love
I've been waiting for something new
And right on my doorstep appears you
I'm running to a place way long gone
I don't even know what I am running from
But I do know I'd run 100 miles, back and to
Just so I could get one look at you
But even if I'm with you and your artists
That is not truly where my heart is
All my memories of the past are fake
I threw them in the thousand-feet deep lake
What was I even supposed to do?
I didn't know what I got myself into

After a dark, gloomy period
The days whipped on by
It was sooner that I thought that
Someone new has caught my eye

He's like a fire, one to admire, so much better than me
I went up to the clouds because I swear he was sent down from above
I waded with the whales to get to his island of love

I swear he is funny and extremely smart
I fear the day that we might be apart

I'm scared to love him
And I'm scared to not
I can't even form a normal thought

There's no need for imagining
Because us two, we'll do everything

I waited for love to catch up to me
Turns out, it's already here