These past few years I have seen and learned 'letting go' in a lot of forms:
In the deafening roar of a train leaving your lonely figure past, past, past...
a father on his bed taking last, tortured breaths
or friends you used to meet everyday but are no longer there when you're crying your nights away
and grudges, leaving them only so you'd feel lighter, if not fuller, again
letting go of a lot of things except
you. Your memory doesn't leave.
Letting you go is like closing a book I never intended to finish,
Not because the book was terrible,
But because I was captured in it,
Putting the book down meant the possibility of losing your place.
I was captured by you,
From your ginger beard,
To your love of guns.
We would sit in the car for hours talking,
We would talk about the people who changed us,
The people who loved us,
And the people who hurt us.
The hardest part about putting down a book is knowing that even if you get the chance to pick it back up it won’t be the same.
You were my first heart
The first taste I had of wanting
The closest comparison I had to
Sunrise and yoga
Black coffee and silence
Gentle hands and my skin
We were all of this
I felt like more than just this body with you next to me
Those vibrations were real
As real as this hurt
This letting go
This blue moon
This blue mood
Your lonely heart
Creating even lonelier hearts.
I think I saw the leaving in your hello
But I held on to you looking at me instead.
I am sorry for not turning away sooner,
For not running
I am sorry for not seeing that the pieces of you wouldn't come together for me.
I will do better next time
At putting together glass meant for these hands
Meant for this heart .
What you were supposed to be,
Was someone who was there for me,
I wonder what our friendship would be,
If you didn't run off and flee,
That shit stung me like a bee,
You burned me to a third degree.
How come I never left,
We were always fighting, always out of breath
It felt like I was living around death.
I should have left.
Ribbons of pink, ribbons of blue
Signal change and spread the news
Tie the lace of tiny shoes
Teach them well the “don’ts” and “do’s”
How to win and how to lose
But some things we don’t get to choose
Like when they laugh and when they cry
the time we let them try to fly
If they fall or if they’ll rise
Predict hurt or joy upon their eyes
How they live or how they die
These things should come as no surprise
Newspaper clippings in a drawer
Pictures, trophies, shelved awards
The wall holds all- he’s keeping score
Each mark the place where ship left shore
it all has happened once before
My soul will search forevermore
trying to find where the ends meet,
saving, scrimping, begging, limping,
fighting for that scrap, even a morsel,
a minuscule amount of self-respect,
all part of a broader journey, a dream,
and, as unlikely as it would seem,
finally being happy without him.
glancing at a window near her bed,
whispering to stars and saints long dead,
prayers to break free from the hate,
the loathing, the anger, the bleeding,
that constant burning drive for needing,
to find the girl from the story’s start,
before she flew apart, and was new.
Yet, she clutched the photo of him close,
“I need you….I still need you.”
As the tears came rolling down his face, she felt a knife go through her heart.
"I'm sorry to force this on you." she said, holding back the tears from her eyes.
"One of us has to be brave enough to let go. I know you don't want this, we both don't want this. But this is what we need. This is what's best for us. I know that and you know that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
She turned around as she said goodbye, daring not to look back as the tears already escaped her eyes.
My love, we can let go now.
There's no need for us to keep on holding on to each other.
The us right now are different from the us back then.
We were young and naive.
We were too scared of losing each other that we decided to just remain still.
However, through that process, we failed to realize that slowly we already did.
We already lost each other, and we both know that.
We can't keep on hoping for a future that's uncertain.
We can't keep on hoping for a past that will never come back.
But what we can do is to live in the present,
And in order to do that we have to let go.
I can't keep on holding you back, and you can't do that too.
I know it's hard but if we don't, we'll only end up hurting each other.
I know it hurts, trust me it hurts, but I know this will heal.
Time will pass and all of this will just become a memory.
So love, I have to let us go now.
My love, we need to let go now.