Forgetting how good I have it
Abusing my advantages, an insult
to those who believe in me
Perhaps I'm not meant to be
what I want to be...

I think I have a problem
Oh primeval instinct, take from me
what I've worked for
Take what I've dreamed to achieve

A beer for breakfast a bud for tea
Screaming in my head the hilarious
irony of; "why does it always rain on me?!"
Smiling forever because I'm a joke

I dream of writing a book about my life
Consistently fictional, to seem to the reader as though it is as dark as it feels
But I can't write as the curtain closes

Today is going pretty well
But I won't cheer yet
Swell and smooth so far
But I won't hold my breath
Premature celebrations
Tend to be premature

I know a lot of words I don't use
People think I'm a bore
It's hard to understand why I have less
It's selfish to think that I deserve more
I'd be the apple of your eye I bet
If I could go without a shred of regret
Just know that baby I'm rotten to the core

Life fades in and life fades out
The same could be said for love and baby
Loving's what I'm all about
I have good days in, I have bad nights out
I'm in love with you of that I never doubt
If I could find my feet and disperse this
Awful cloud, then you could find my heart
But it's lost, of that I'm not proud

If I could try success I'd bet it tastes
Sugar sweet, I'd have my own pie
And everyone could have a piece
I suppose I never looked at it this way
My sugar queen, you can be my success
I can be your feet, you can be the ground
That holds me steady, sharing all
Our blessings the world wouldn't be ready
And they would say that we are few
And that they are the better many
But it's not a competition and
As kids we learnt not to be petty

Today was going pretty well
But I cheered to soon
I was put straight through hell
Now what am I going to do
I'll close my eyes think of better times
Of chasing success with you

Alone at day and night
Comforted by his madness
Bewitched by his own fright
Disturbed and distracted
Addicted to chemicals mixed
A breath of fresh air
A rush, a sudden fix

The boy is sick, can't you see?
It's obvious to me and blatant
I can't understand why he's alone
Surrounded by his friends
Helpless and silent, yet screaming
A consistent lack of feeling and
I'm thinking somebody throw him a rope

We're all here thinking it
Behind closed doors
The boy is sick
I mean really, sick
We watch in horror as he spirals
Furiously out of control

For the love of all things
Neither holy, nor good or evil
For the love of the unbiased
For the understanding of sanity
For the boy that cries to us all
And receives no help

In the name of the thoughtful
Let us not reject a patient
We can't ignore the subject
Illness is illness
Poor health is body and mind
And soul....
Addiction is addiction
Physical dependence and mentality
Are real as cancer, as defiant as gravity

When it takes him
That pain that lasts a thousand years
And his mother cries a million tears
It will be too young, too soon
Too awful...

I don't need doubters in my life
I already have every other kind
Of negative energy in it
Coming at me from all directions
Left right and centre
At work and in the street

Negativity effects us all
It is ripe and abundant
So,
If you don't believe in me
Then I won't believe in you
I'll shut my eyes and cover my ears
"Lalalalalalalalaaalaaa."
I can't hear you over all of this potential

Here's a ticket to never land
Now please kindly *******
If I say I'll do something
Best believe I'll do it
Hell,
I get off on this proving you wrong stuff
I can do it all day

When I see her
My whole world expands
A stranger place when she's around
Except everything makes more sense
Somehow
I feel sick for a second, like north and
South have traded places
A wonderful vertigo and I embrace this Sickness everytime
I get anxious and feel alone a lot, until the Storm in my head passes and I remember
She's mine
Clear skies tonight gorgeous

She understands me,
To the best of her ability
Better than most
And she also feels as though
If she's mine, I'm hers
And there will be no middle man
This love is not a triangle
I'm hers only
We have both loved before
Having learnt to know exactly
What we need in love and want
Thanks to knowing
The difference between
The importance of love and
The futility of want
She is my true north

Sometimes I feel like
She doesn't love me the same
Just because love is love
And we can all feel it
Doesn't mean we all feel it the same
Like when I drink and pour my heart out
She drinks and just dismisses my pain
At least that's what it feels like
But I know she wouldn't think it
She'd surely disagree

She reminds me I have no demons
That I am but a man with feelings inside
Who rejects them through pride and
A hope that I'm strong enough
To cope without them
But you can't bare the weight of love
Without the love for love itself
We have a passion for struggle
A need to see things through
So I'll be okay,
I'm always okay with you

A lifetime of searching
Generations lost
Sometimes I feel like
We're all searching for something
Even those of us
That seem to have it all
Retracing our steps, backtracking
Looking under the bed and
On top of every counter

Painstaking,
Day in, day out
A memory forgotten
A lost note found
A cigarette to jog my mind
Wait I know,
Better check last year's trousers
I always leave something
In last year's trousers...

There's nothing quite like
Finding what you were searching for
There's also nothing quite like
Losing sleep at night
Wondering what it is that you are
Searching for in the first place
Asking yourself
"When I find it, will it make me happy?"
Startling, the thought that maybe
Happiness is what we're searching for
Every single one of us
Even those of us that kiss it goodnight
Or dress it in the morning
And greet it with supper in the evening


The search goes on...

My sweet somebody,
I see only you
Imperfecion according to who?
None existent flaws examined
Time and time again
They say that beauty
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Well I hold it darling
When I gaze upon you
Eyes fixated and I'm saying
I can't see anything that won't do
But I can't love like this
You need to love yourself

My sweet somebody,
You deserve so much
The world still owes us nothing
Not even an apology
We may have it bad
But the others have it worse
We may have it good
But the others have it better

Well I have you darling
I have you now and maybe,
Maybe even forever
If I've learnt one thing
Through finding you
It's to never say never

My sweet somebody,
Can I hold you as I fall
Further and further
In to the depths of love?
I know you know
with every inch
I will hit the floor harder

Well I have initiative darling
And a strong will to bounce back
I have you by my side
The cruel  world gave me that
Maybe if I tuck my heart
Behind my legs and curl up
When I hit rock bottom
There will be something left of me

My sweet somebody,
I was never any good
Learning to love myself
Was the hardest part of us
Loving you always came easy
At least for others

Not a hair out of place darling
Not a freckle or a mole
Is unloved by me
Everything belongs
Exactly where it is
You just can't see it yet
.
.
.

She has a place for me in her heart
I've heard the others say the same
Yet I still
May rest my head
Where she would stay
Whilst all the others are long gone
Heart is a heavy word
Reminiscent of stranger times
Comforting to say the least

A shackle and a briefcase
Share her room with me
One wonders if an invitation is real
When not in writing
Enticement is real
As real as flesh and blood
As real as her
Laced ******* with frills
Bluey green
A colour best described as teal
Or was it turquoise?
Though that never mattered
Not important to me
Not a single detail

I told her not to be afraid of living
She said fearlessness is for the dead
I enquired about the living dead
She laughed
We are the only monsters
That feed off of life
We are the only demons
That go bump in the night

She is a goddess
A truly **** mess
I would like to pay homage
To the warmth between her legs
But there are many a pilgrim
And it is well documented that
I hold nothing sacred
Though I do have her favor
For now
Yet my invitation remains unanswered
I never knew a briefcase
Could be so ominous

Though she'll never be my queen
She still ***** me like I'm king

I met my girlfriends family today
Northerners
It was her grandad on her father's sides
Ninetieth birthday but you couldn't tell!
Congratulations
We go out for a meal, enjoying the laughs
They thought I couldn't eat
The giant whaler portion
Of fish and chips

"It's got nowhere to go!"
"Y'don't get fish like that down south"
"You'll never finish that."
"Are you struggling?"
"Good luck with that!"

I only went and ate it all didn't I
Proved them wrong and now I think
I may never ever eat again
A fully suppressed appetite forever
All to make a point and to be
Accepted

To be fair though,
We don't get fish like that down south and
I would eat the giant whaler portion again
Provided someone's doubt in my ability to
Actually eat it swayed me from the large

If you think this isn't reality
Then *******
Accept the fact that misery
Is misery, and if that won't do
Then know that I know why
But I won't tell you.

Disturbia is my life
**** Rhianna for
Envisioning a sick truth,
Then not exposing the demon
That lied to you.

The truth, it is far fetched.

I miss being around you all the time
A longing I couldn't even begin to describe
That holiday with you was something else
Something I do believe I've never felt
From sunrise to sunset
From kissing your shoulders
To getting our feet wet
As we walked along the beach

Hand in hand and heart in mouth
The tide's swooshing hisses
That soothing feeling; what life's about
I should mention
I don't really like the ocean
On the surface it seems barren
Yet it can swallow anything whole
But in your company, the world, the sea and all of its untold misery couldn't really bother me

It's like the warm breeze was your love, I enjoyed it in moderation and in abundance
I miss that feeling of you squeezing me
Tighter and tighter
On the back of that quad bike
As we rode down that mountain
And in to the night
I was probably a bit over zealous
What can I say, that's what I like
To live fast and die a part of you
Would be my happily ever after

Swimming pools, night clubs, bars, restaurants, shopping, walking, riding, drinking and dining
Were all just fancy ways of saying
'Spending time with you'
In thirty degree dry heat
At the hotel in our room
After an argument or two
Recovering from extreme partying
...and too much sun
I would try to lay close to you
When even the silence screamed I love you

I will never forget it gorgeous
These memories of us I cherish

I had grafted for the best part of ten hours,  serving stupid smart people their breakfast lunch and dinner.
By the time I finished my shift and clocked out. I thought to myself, I don't care if they clone sheep here.
This job is not a winner.
Scientists, most of them.
Very intelligent people I'm told.
So I watched them eat and drink, wondering if their pockets are lined with gold.

Usually I'd leave work swiftly,  I could never wait to get home.
My body lethargic, almost anemic.
I wanted my bed, all to be alone.
I took off my work clothes and began to get dressed. Caught a glimpse of my frail body in the mirror. Never could gain weight,
I blamed it on stress.
I walked to my car outside.
Car park A, for arseholes no less.

I love you
Three words that don't tell it how it is
I more than love you
I want you,
Need you,
Have you,
Feel you,
Miss you,
Fear you,
See you,
Hear you,
Kiss you,
Adore you,
Taste you,
Breathe you,
I more than love you
I worship you
As my friend
As my lover
As the ruler of my heart
You are all good things
Yet you're like no other
I would kiss the ground
Your feet have walked on
Then I'd kiss them too
Not to prove I'm worthy
Just because I enjoy the sensations
Of trying new things with you

Time with you is a commodity
Much easier to part with
I spend it frivolously
Purely for enjoyment
We live for memories
Sleep for dreams
I sleep to wake up next to you
One thing I always look forward to
Is softly kissing your back
From top to bottom
Then bottom to top
As though I am your wake up call
Your human alarm clock
"Rise and shine gorgeous,
it's already ten o'clock"

I want you to know
You are priceless
Beyond value
Beyond worldly things
Invaluable to my happiness
And
Detrimental to the pain
I more than love you

Starving soul, hungry for communication
Parched heart, thirsty for a connection
Saturate me with your love
Fill me with your happiness
Remind me that I'm not alone
Tell me the glass was never half empty
As I know you want me full
I see you as I see you, not as you want me to
Wrapped in skin so velvet soft
Kissed with a dark red bow placed on top
Of your dark wavy hair
Perfect in contrast to
Your porcelain complexion

I see you every day
In the corners of my eyes
In the forefront of my mind
In my wildest dreams and
My darkest nights
Strange scenarios where I die
Only to be resurrected by you
Because losing me was a pain
So profound and world shattering
The tears you cried became the elixir of life

Be my friend
Be my lover
I can be whatever you need
Or whatever you want me to be
Provided that, me being that
Is always just me being me

It's the eyes,
they always tell a story
Even in the darkest times,
the eyes hold pride and glory
When they're empty
there are plenty
As the lonely
seem to stick around

I do see smiles,
I can hear laughs
Yet it's the eyes
that always cry
They carry a weight
in bags, a trait
I always say
is not evidence that
I'm tired

If I'm not wrong,
eyes don't belong
on your head
forever exposed

Forever exposed
to all of those
who seek to
figure you out

Although I'm glad,
they are my weakness
Many I've seen
could have been
less than signs of kindness
Understanding why
we lose that light in our eye
was never an ambition of mine

Incomprehensibly inebriated, I stood up
Whether I walked, stumbled, fumbled or
Even crawled; I need not know or care
I struck you my friend, my best one too
Never did I deserve such company anyway
Pity, six of the best and hardest years spent
Mostly with you by my side and I by yours
Knowing what's best for someone is hard
A two way curse I say, whilst it may be best
It mightn't be what is wanted or needed
For arguments sake, we'd squabble
In the name of fun and youth we'd dabble
To be cast aside and know you deserve it
Friend, it hurts but the damage is done

Incomprehensibly inebriated, I threw
Six of the best, hardest years away
They say boys don't cry but we did,
When they said we couldn't attend our
High school prom because we didn't
Behave or act in a way that proved we
Wanted and deserved to go, although it
Wasn't for lack of trying, I remember
Those phone calls, Those late nights
I remember the successful appeal we made
How we both attended the prom, delightful
How your date was drop dead gorgeous
How mine kind of, wasn't?
You laughed Because she wanted to sleep with me and
You could tell I wasn't keen, funny times

Now we're 20 and we don't really speak
I know it's only been three to four weeks
Since I irreversibly ****** up, it's just
It feels like a long time now, I think a lot
About how I'm not friend material because
I hurt people, emotionally and physically
I'm a lousy drunk and cynical too
I've been this way a long time, nothing new
I have problems buried down deep
Even demons too, but I fought them
With others, I fought them with you

feeling sorry for myself again,
surprise surprise, I think a lot
they say don't it's bad for you,
surprise surprise, I wonder still
feeling sorry for myself again,
like some crack-addled *****
frustration at every turn, as I see
the corridors of my mind; a dead end
every time, and maybe the migraines
are a true sign of recent times
pain for days, a complete sense of contempt
seeing myself so low, I must mount my eyes
high up in the trees, stitched into leaves
to look down on everything so

feeling sorry for myself again,
surprise surprise, I think a lot
they said don't it's bad for me,
surprise surprise, I wonder still
feeling sorry for myself again,
like some lonesome lowlife
I understand the kettle's whistle,
tormented and brought to boiling point,
tortured by the very talents that give it purpose
am I a kettle or a joke to you?
pain for days, a complete sense of contempt
seeing myself so low, I must mount my eyes
high up in the trees, stitched into leaves
to look down on everything so

I never could have known
Although I am so grateful
That the most painful
Significant and
Distasteful moments
In my life
Would become

Me

I'm sicker than sick
A selfish hedonist
Admired yet frowned upon
Like a spit covered ****
Maintaining my innocence
Through denial, my head picks
Up on things, but only what it wants
I see the world for what it is
The blind leading any and all
Sick enough to follow

Then my brain regurgitates it
in to something a little easier to swallow

Still sleeping with Ms. Placed Trust
"That's not healthy bro". -Yes I know
I know, I know, I know
Just let it be, leave it alone
It takes time to mend, time to grow
"It's gone forever, it won't come back,
save yourself get your life on track
this love is a sickness please see that."

Well this is me and this is you!
This is my life and your point of view!
I don't need your opinions, I need your help.
"Then take a step back and have a look at yourself.
She's bad for you man, she's bad for your health!
The more you love her the more you hate your
life and everyone else."

You could  blame everyone
Knowing you're the one at fault
You could taste the bitterness
A lifetime supply of salt

I'm sinking, I'm drowning under
Endless streams of confusion
I wonder
If I could stem the flow
Could you silence the thunder?
My thoughts a storm
My mind's asunder

Shakespeare said love is a smoke
raised with the fume of sighs
So are we suffocating under it?
Or enjoying the intoxicated times?
Who'd of guessed I can't breathe
When I think about the goodbyes
From wading through lies
To restraining my indignation
Remembering my previous ties
And what I'm left with
I'll forget the unpleasant saturated state of mind
And say here's to goodbye
For the very first time

My life is a pinprick rhythm
Of did he or didn'ts
A tumbling fimble you're unable to fathom
A fumbling fiddle unable to riddle
A monstrous predicament you can never straddle
A boy in a boat that thinks himself a man with no paddle
Razor sharp teeth with cavities in deep
A petite pair of feet carrying overweight meat
My story is backwards confusing and daft
I say this not to undermine your own
Merely to promote the melancholy undertones
To describe the bright light as darkness and woe
To share with you my heavy weightless raging hormones
A girl with beautiful long brown hair that pulls her eyelashes out when the world is not fair
I see sense when there isn't any there
You might see me and I might not care
Enjoy my despair
Understanding me is like understanding wind with no air
Understanding you is like understanding
peaches or pears
Probably better served with cream
Single not thick a dairy self esteem
Single not thick...

*what does this poem mean?

I wonder if they thought I would ever care
Sometimes emotionally dormant,
I live my life like a mannequin
Still in every way...
I wonder if he thought of me or only himself
I wonder if she knew how I would feel
I've made my mistakes and now I'll make a few more...
Try to be okay
Try to be okay
I deserve myself, I served me well
I miss my friends, the ones I would die for
I desire no revenge, I'll dig no graves
All is fair in love and war and
Try to be okay
...so the mind was made for torture
Back track. Remember. Stop. Time pass quickly.
Tears run down the cheeks of the sky,
Grazed by the anguish of the sun
If I could go back in time I wouldn't change you,
I'd change my mind.

I'm weak and can't love what has ruined me
...and can't hate what has all but made me
My mind is sick I made it so
Through lies and misplaced trust I have lost myself
I miss myself, how I used to be
The ones I care for just don't see
I found a love I can not keep
When you realise what I am
You might begin to understand
I'm lonely and sad in the company of the man I think I am
The ability to make people feel how you want dies with time the more you use it
When your emotions fade and you no longer believe in what you say
They see straight through you
People see lies as much as hear them
I am my own worst enemy
I hate myself for my strengths as well as my weaknesses
None of you feel like friends right now
Some of you betrayed me
Even let me down... You could've put your **** in anything.
Yet twice you you took a piece of my puzzle
Singed the edges and deformed its curves
And now it can never be complete
I think that's my fault
Somewhere down the line I let someone down again

I feel lost at times,
Like I'm losing my mind
Everybody else letting loose,
**** dropping, pill popping
'*****' on pelvis grinds
Joint sharing, sniffing ******* lines
Unemployed but still no one has time
Everyone is commited,
But nobody knows why.

I feel lost because
The education system taught us
Mathematics, English
And a bunch of other stuff
But not how to apply for a job
Behave in an interview or
Maintain and mindset
That actually gives a ****
How our voting system works,
Whether we elect our leaders
Or if the system is really corrupt
So was it enough?

If I die tonight,
One scary theory
Is true

If one memory repeats,
For all eternity
I hope it is about you

I am entangled
No I'm entwined
I am pulled closer
Time
         after
Time
can you feel my pulse?
I whisper in your ear
Still pulling me in closer
I feel I think I hear
Our hearts beat a thunder
A pressure takes my breath
Our hearts beat a thunder
I move and you say
*not yet

Am I inclined to believe,
Or required to deceive
Another trick up my sleeve to make you pleased
With emotions I've presented you with
Contagious like disease
This love I'll infect you with
See how much I can give
See how much you can receive,
*I'll make you believe you can't deceive
What can see right through you

To date,
We've felt so much hate
So before it's too late
Let's awake,
From our slumber of ignorance
I'll make you happy even at my expense
Because what I feel,
If you could feel it too

Then you'd be born anew