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That Girl Sep 30
I talk myself out of having feelings for you every night.
I make a long list of how under-qualified I am to be yours.
My weaknesses far outweigh my strengths.  
It’s like someone with just a high school diploma applying to be a doctor.
I am severely unmotivated,
Terrible with finances,
And I do not work well under pressure.
Apply any pressure at all and I break.
You’re different.
You have accomplished so much in your 30something years.
Career.
Family.
Faith.
And you did it all on your own.
Then there’s me,
I don’t have anything to show for my 25years that I’ve existed.
I have books and movies to escape.
I read and watch life happen rather than live it myself.
Journals and papers filled with all my useless emotions and “experiences.”
Tear stained pages to remind me of all my heartbreak.
I have clothes that make me feel like I’m a woman.
Even though I’m a poor excuse for one.
I have makeup of all colors and finishes.
The only talent that I have.
Useless.
Not only do I have nothing to offer you,
I have nothing to offer anyone.  
But although I know all this is true,
I will still anxiously wait for you tomorrow.
I will still daydream about the conversations we will never have.
I will hope during the day,
And break my heart every night.
My choice of poison permits the world to fade.
Every sense inside of my body becomes dull and faint.
My lungs struggle to draw in air.
Each breathe falls short causing my chest to heave.

I can feel the bitter substance hurl my empty frame off of life’s edge.
My limbs are worthless as the stale air whips through my core.
They flail back and forth in the breeze throwing my perception of time farther away with each movement.
I am left wondering if there will be any warning before I reach my destination.

My surface hits the stone with an unsettling crack.
The asphalt kisses my flesh tauntingly.
The chill of the surface sends electrical currents through my body.
Its rough surface welcomes the warmth from my flesh.

Reality has finally sunk as low as I have in my cold abstract rock bottom.
I pray for someone to help me, and listen to my thoughts.
All my helpers  repeat the same empty sentences.
“You will get better.”, or “ This is just a phase.”

Overwhelmed, I watch them as they walk the level above me.
Their eyes are focused on their own horizon.
Leaving me as empty as I was before.
Reminding me that I have been alone for many years.

The obstacle course in front of me seems daunting.
Its perfect blocks seem never ending.
Each flight curves in whatever direction it chooses.

As I begin my journey, I attempt to hide my emotions and fears from the other souls that are passing through, but
I fail miserably for they see me right through my veil.
The railing slips through my fingers as they shove me aside
My frame becomes bruised from being pushed and pulled in different directions.
Exhaustion latches it's arms around my legs in attempt to slow my journey.

Thoughts trickle through my head as I attempt to conquer the barrier in front of me.
They do not filter their words as they voice their opinions
Flowing with ease, they invade my personal space.

Will my happiness ever come back?
Is there going to be any memories that I am going to be able to share with my family?
Should I leave this cold world that lacks luster and light?

I shove them back, and attempt to shake the uneasy feeling they left in their wake.
I know that no pleading is going to turn back time.
Nothing will make my past easier.
As I trek through the rocky terrain, I promise to become brave, to let my voice be heard, to face my fears, and to love life the way that it is supposed to be.
"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."~J.K. Rowling.
Mula sa mga palabas na aking nasaksihan
May mga bagay  talaga na di  pedeng maisakatuparan
Ngunit habang kasama mo pa
Mas mabuting sulitin mo na
Dahil Baka sa huli lungkot at pagsisisi ang iyong madama
Grace Sep 2
Many of you turn to ask
As you see me walking past
"what makes you limp the way you do?"
as though an explanation is owed to you

I know that most just worry
While others give to me their pity
but for those who imitate me when I come by
you will never know how you make me cry
Chase Pamplin Aug 16
Words are coded
and love is at a distance,
I felt the hurt in an instance.
Smart enough to comprehend this, to bad my heart couldn’t understand the difference to prevent this.

CP.
agatha Jun 29
(seven)
i stopped wearing shorts—
unable to stop feeling eyes raking my legs
up and down, up and down.
i didn't even know there was a word for that.

(ten)
i started wearing clothes
a size big for me.
they did not ask why
i get angry whenever they force me
to wear something that clings.

i hated puberty,
how things would grow and change,
and they would stare.

(eleven)
i tried wearing shorts again.
immediately i get the feeling of someone
trailing behind me.
i went home as quickly as possible.

(thirteen)
i wore baggy clothes during commute—
a blouse and jeans. it was a thirty minute ride.
it felt longer. especially since this man
sat next to me,

hounding me nonsense— anong pangalan mo?
i do not answer.

that night, i had my resolve—
i will never commute alone again.
people laughed at me. hinahatid ka kasi lagi.

no.

(fifteen)
i started giving prolonged glares,
staring into the eyes of the beast
whenever i hear a whisper as i pass by.
hello, saan ka pupunta?

so i stare them down. funny how
they back away
as i stop in my tracks asking with my eyes
"what now, imbecile?"

does it feel bad when people don't tolerate
the ******* coming out of your mouth?

(nineteen)
ano ba kasi ang suot niya? they ask.
everything feels white-hot, searing.
i refuse to hear anymore of that.

exit.

(twenty)
every time i go home on my own
i carry something
in my hands, a blade if you must.
the night sky begins to envelop the horizon.
the streetlights cast their sickly orange hue
on the pavement as i take one last look at the hospital.

i hope i make it home in time.
"hello, anong pangalan mo?" : hello, what's your name?
"hinahatid ka kasi lagi." : well, you always have a ride.
"hello, saan ka pupunta?" : hello, where are you going?
"ano ba kasi suot niya?" : what was she wearing?
Nathalie Jun 25
Had I not giving
myself permission
to grow deeper into
this voracious romance
with life

Oh what a shame
it would have been

The vulnerability
in love I shared
was the crowning
glory of my most
heartening experiences

They were the ultimate
rewards birth
into form of my existence
and celebrated my
brazen purpose

~Nathalie
Paul Butters May 28
Just think of all that you’ve seen
And experienced
Even forgotten
Throughout your Life.

Not just the Big Things.
The tiny
Seemingly insignificant things too.
Those various TV quizzes
Soaps, sitcoms, adverts
What would Aliens think?

Remember the savoury smell of freshly cut grass
Baking bread
And toilets!
Coffee as well.

See every detail of your table –
Strewn with papers
Objects
Mobile, wallet, medications, books…

Count those leaves on that tree
Stalks of grass
Grains of sand on a beach
Stars in the sky.

Remember all the people
You have met
Or seen
Or heard or read about.
From the rowdy
To the silent ones.
From Good to Evil.
I could go on…
But.

Who knows what our Subconscious Id
Has stored away
In the caverns of our minds?

Things that are with us always
Right until we Die.
And what happens to them then?
A whole universe of things.
Do they vanish
In a “pool of tears”?
Or are they somehow resurrected
Somewhere in Heaven?
We can only Hope…

Paul Butters

© PB 28\5\2020.
Another "deep one"....
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