I wish I could move out tomorrow
turn away from it all and start new
somewhere that nobody knows me
where no one knows about the things
that break me so easily.

Realizing the mayhem sprinkled into my past
has left such a sour taste with me
it's put my emotions on blast;
finally seeing what happened to me.

I'm beginning to feel better
after having picked out the reminders,
but the child in me is bitter
and wants to see them covered in spiders.

Maybe the majority of your malice march is fueled with fire;
fictionalized by myself. Simply because my greatest desire is
currently to avoid knowing that you long to hurt me. Dear, let
me tell you this; **I know everything.

The bestfriend whom I loved
got lost somewhere between
six and seven, but

Along the way I found myself
and learned a major lesson.

Ever since you left I've been falling asleep to this song
that I've started calling ours, and when you get back
home I hope you know we're going away to Mars to
live with the stars because **** this planet I'm tired of
us being apart.

Please don't hate me
if I lose you
I'll go crazy
you're my everything
don't you know that?
how could you not..?
Everything we've shared
was it all in my thoughts?!

The sky is crying, just like me
The clouds keep screaming, out to me.
They boom and roar and bang against my roof,
I wish I could calm them down the way they made my stress and tears disappear.

I walk into my room and kick the heater over to stop it from blowing hot air in my room. It's boiling in here. I kick off my pants and lay on my bed. *Why is life so hard?

There's a hole in my ceiling
the roof caved in a bit
There's a hole in my ceiling
dust keeps falling in
There's a hole in my ceiling
I have to turn off my fan
There's a hole in my ceiling
I wish there wasn't
There's a hole in my ceiling
here's where it gets personal
There's a hole in my ceiling
it was definetly not optional
There's a hole in my ceiling
maybe it's telling me something
There's a hole in my ceiling
what if it had fell in on me?
There's a hole in my ceiling
and it's got me thinking
There's a hole in my ceiling
bigger than the one in my heart
There's a hole in my ceiling.
where's the button? I need to restart...

I wonder how you'll react when you find out what I've done
you won't be able to hit me or scold me because, I'll be gone.
But will you cry? Will you feel ashamed? Will you wonder why?
I don't think that you should, because now I'll no longer cry.

So don't ask why,
don't you dare cry...
Please, don't be too upset
I'm getting away from here
and with no regrets.

Yeah, you're yelling louder,
but you're not feeling more pain.

I'm grasping my door by it's frame and
taking it off from the wall to reveal how
there's no way out of this room..
I'll shove it out the window soon.

I'm removing the window from my wall
picking it up and sliding underneath my
medium sized bed it'll never be seen again
and neither will the light that shined so
brightly through it's glass; only to light
up my main habitat.

*I don't want to see the light anymore..
Please don't make me endure it.

I want to shove you out of my life.
You stabbed my heart with such a sharp knife.
So quit being ignorant. You're just a part of my past.
Someone who is indifferent to me, the feelings didn't last.
You may say you regret making such mistakes,
Just get over it, you were tricked,
He lied straight to your face.
Don't worry about it.
My heart was once split.
But he's fixed it.
You should move on too.

In the end
you're alone
and nobody cares
except your own
self's conscience
so what's the point?

My heart is racing violently,
Yet I stay seated silently.
Please not now, anxiety.
I need to remain calm.
I lightly touch my temples,
I can't keep myself from gasping.
I look towards the door,
My eyes begin to sting.
A tear drops past my cheek.
**** this, I need to leave.
"Don't say such things."
I swear.
These emotions have me snared.
As I stare at the door in tears,
I finally run through it,
Down the hall; and stairs.
They put me through this.
The reason I'm so anxious,
Is simply because of you idiots.

I can't remember the last time I played my guitar and I know when he gets home he'll ask me whether or not I've been playing like the star that he wants me to be well no, I'm sorry.. Please don't hate me for not wanting to carry out your childhood dreams that somehow became my own I just want to survive without becoming too broken before the end.

My heart fills up until it's pounding
I freeze and wonder where you are
or what you're doing...
Are we even in the same universe still
or are you out there floating?
A lot of my life has encompassed you somehow.
Whether I was just thinking of you during a sad time
or laughing while reminiscing...
I miss you and hold you in my memories.
Though, we'll probably never meet again
I hope time will untangle someday for me too
and we'll cross paths come what may.

I had a dream that turned into a nightmare,
We were laying on top of a jellyfish bell
We were small and in the center
Our hands were holding each other
Then I looked over and you were gone
My hand was empty and the ocean turned dark
The last thing I remember,
was being stung and waking up in tears.

The only anagram that I can't stand to read
is one that was just between you and me
the nag a ram was simple and meant a million things
at least it did to me
At times I wonder if it meant half of those things to you.

I might act like I don't care
but underneath what I wear
I'm an utter fool for you
I'd bend over backwords
to make your dreams come true
and it's all because I love you
I'm sorry if sometimes I seem
a little distant-
it's mostly because I'm trying
my best to be more realistic
and give you the space
that you say you'll take
I just don't want to make a mistake
and cause either of our hearts to break
sometimes it can be tricky-
controlling my feelings
because I can get clingy
there is a side of me,
that you have yet to see
please, no matter what
do not abandon me..
because I have feelings for you.

We danced a convincing number,
but your steps were always out of order  
you played me a beautifully painful song,
leaving my ears bleeding all night long

I wanted to keep dancing with you,
I wanted to sing by your side  
I tried to move slower, faster too,  
I tried to sing in the right tune...

Little did I know,
when you were looking away,
You were staring at the one
who couldn't dance the right way

Her bad moves, spread to you, maybe unintentionally,
Then you hurt me, you crushed me, you pushed me away...

Now we're no longer dancing.
We'll never sing again,
and I'm all alone now,  
Smiling again.

Fall can be hard for me,
I remember school years at this time.
Back when things were hard yet simple
and my mind was more kind.

I remember a swinging boat
and colorful flashing lights,
A space ship spinning us round and round,
and feeling so happy inside.

I also have silly memories, but
the one I made them with is gone.
When I remember the hallway giggles
I run. I hide. I sob.

Things at home back then were hard,
My dad was rarely around.
My sisters would bring home friends to keep-
My mom never handled this well.

Our house would be full and I, alone
I'd find my peace in forums and games,
Chatting with men who I thought liked me,
My heart back then was full of hope.

As I grew and moved around,
I found I never really understood myself.
Why do tears bubble up so often?
I freeze, I fawn and forget but don't move on.

Autumn is beautiful but brings up so much.
I miss people I don't know anymore
or have the privilege of seeing
and I'm left to wonder if I ever knew them truly.

I watch the array of leaves change and fall
And wish to be one of them.
I could fall from a branch,
But be picked up in the wind, only to live again.

Dear dad,

From you I learned that anger was scary.
You never expressed it in a way that wasn't frightening.
Anger was always directed at someone or something,
You often voiced threats and I could only nod along because I was so afraid.

Ever since the day you burned the bridge we made,
The string that kept me full of hope; burned and faded away,
I'd lie to myself for a long time,
I protected you my whole life.

Because of you, I don't know how to feel mad.
It rarely happens but when it does,
It's usually directed at myself.
Because I don't want to scare or hurt anyone else.

I can't use my voice when I'm angry
I cry and step away,
Or wait until I get to my car to scream
as I drive home and feel hateful.

I hate my anger...
I feel disappointed
I'll never tell you but
I wish you had done better.

It must be nice to not be lonely.
To have such a place,
Where people smile; the same song.
I want to someday, sing along.
It's too bad that I'm not wanted.
No one wants to hear my voice.
At least not by choice.

I love reading your books
but cannot anymore.
I burst into tears
each time I open that door,
the one that leads into
the library of your heart.

The child in me asks
Will we ever find passion
She had big dreams
and was determined to aim for them.

The adult me feels sad
She doesn't know what to say
How do you explain pain,
How do you explain disappointment?

24 hours ago I was someone different
but right now I'm crying right where I'm sitting:
in this old photo booth on the side of the beach
where you left me after saying that we should end things
because this wasn't turning out the way that you expected it to be.

Do you accept your family?
Despite the things they say to hurt you?
Do you turn the other cheek
Each time they blame and scold you?

Are you okay with no boundaries?
Never hearing a genuine "I'm sorry."
Do you just shrug things off cause,
"Hey, they're your family"

Or do you not accept that?
I've felt so conflicted lately
Because of family with no boundaries
Family that don't accept me, but want acceptance from me.

They always told me to say sorry as a child,
If I hurt someone else, I was wile.
Even as an adult, I'm always wrong
About others, the world and my own mental health.

I have to apologize in the end.
I have to pick up the phone to check in.
I have to put on an ever changing mask to ensure I won't be hurt again-
I try to explain it and once again, I'm a child.

I say "I" too much
I should ignore everything that offends me,
Assume the best of family because they're family.
I'm family but have to change and ignore my feelings for them to accept me.

The trees here look sad,
And the grass is a little dry,
But when I look into the sky,
I can feel your smile,
and hear your voice.

And I wonder what you're doing up there,
Are you playing guitar?
Maybe curling your hair.
You could even be, watching me,
I wouldn't know...

But I think of you..
And I wonder what you're doing.
I hope you're having a good time.
And I know the sun always shines for you.

I'm not sober
I don't want
things to be
over.

Heartbeat in my stomach,
Maybe I should go running.
I need to relieve this feeling.
The feeling that you give me.
I can't tell if it's love or anxiety.
I hate the thoughts I'm receiving.
You don't hate me.
But you don't love me either.
I understand now.

I'm watching you from the left corner,
over here, where dust has swarmed to.
I see you go to sleep, and awaken
just like I see you when you come home wasted.

I can remember a time when you saw me too,
but that time was ages ago,
the bond that we had, they burnt through
and now you've forgotten me...

You left me alone; defenseless to these dust bunnies.

You knew exactly how I was feeling
and yet you still dragged me along
through the dirt and leafs that fall
you somehow expect me to forgive
and forget- I don't think you know
me, no.. you never did.

I never noticed before
Just how much I like control.
Structure, routine.
These things keep me grounded.

I was always made to go with the flow;
The rules, never my own.
When I flip the pages and read my thoughts
I notice I never liked being torn away from focus.

I loved to sit and work on my passions,
Never cringing at myself for being interested.
I think I learned to dislike my interests
Because others didn't and that was cringe to them.

I was made to follow but told to be a leader,
I'll never know which is better or why.
I don't understand the logic or matter,
Can't everyone decide what's important?

For my parents it was tradition,
What was taught to them
and likely the people before,
The question is where does blame lie?

I would be ripped away from creativity,
To be forced to finish my plate and more,
Promised desserts I never received,
To instead dissociate and remain unfree.

I think this was so damaging to me.

My mom took me back through her thoughts,
Shared stories of how troublesome I was,
She said I always had issues
with being torn away from my tasks.

Tells me it wasn't serious,
But she and others beat my ***.
I have to wonder how I felt then.
I was only three and hurt so often.

I decided to skip the yelling eventually,
I'd go to the corner for thinking differently.
Until I would turn and say okay to my mom,
Who'd laugh at me for being upset.

It's interesting how she doesn't see it.
I have always had a hard time with transitions,
Child, teenager, adult, it's been hard.
And I am going to learn why.

I'm sinking under the waters surface
In some sort of helpless hoping
that they'll entangle me inside
of their electric lace curtains,
Won't you engulf me?
Swallow me whole and
electrocute me.

Maybe then I'll wake up as one of you.
Sinking for completely different reasons
flowing gracefully, seeking out prey.
Let me explore with you...

I guess it's too complicated for us to stay friends
after everything that's happened
I'm sorry that I can't take it back
you were my bestest friend and
now we don't even say hello or
associate with eachother in the
slightest amount of words or chatter.
and it's a shame because to you; *I mattered.

You make my heart soar,
You make me feel sublime.

Bathed in trauma, poured on you,
Blindly making excuses, I didn't have a clue,
Unintended harm was not my aim,
I swear, from my heart, that's the truth I claim.

Just give me a chance to prove I can change,
Don't turn away, let's break this estrange,
I've learned my lessons, I'm ready to grow,
I can transform, this I truly know.

Lost in the past, flipping photo albums' pages,
Seeking smiles, wondering through the ages,
But now I see the present with fresh eyes,
Fixing what's wrong, no more disguise.

A shared prison, unaware we both dwelled,
Failed to communicate, the stories we withheld,
I tried to speak of demons deep within,
Unaware they held me tight, drowning in their sin.

I plead for a chance, believe I can mend,
Break free from the covers, where the pain won't extend,
Yesterday's weight won't hold us down,
Together we'll rise, wearing courage as our crown.

Glimpsing photos, memories of distant travels,
Questioning why joy seemed to unravel,
But it's not about them, or what they comprehend,
Finding my worth, letting my true self ascend.

Losing my muse, an ache deep within,
Placing you on a pedestal, where love had once been,
Our best memories like a festival's delight,
But I clung too tightly, clouding our sight.

Hurting you, hurting myself, a tangled mess,
I thought I suffered more, but it was just a guess,
Overloaded with clichés, patched on our dark days,
Unaware I was the setup, before the closing phrase.

Keep donning your cape socks, a symbol of strength,
In the end, you shaped me, helping me find my true length

When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?