Here's another chapter,
Something I've already read.

The sentences are strewn together,
And I'm in my head.

Give me a new perspective,
'Cause something inside me
is dead.

Didn't mean to upset you,
But sometimes,

I wish you'd f*ck off,
instead.

Always a new superstition,
Believing something
that doesn't exist.

Always a new problem,
I've never seen someone
so stressed.

Maybe you're delusional,
But it's not relatable.

Your words make no sense,
And always you're oh so
intense.

Instead of going on,
I'm closing this chapter
instead.

If you wanted sympathy,
you get nothing from me.

Months of chaos,
Spiraling down
The rabbit hole.

There's nothing left to find,
Because I've already sold my soul.

I feel so empty,
So don't preach to me.

You're just wasting your time,
I don't wanna believe.

Drop the lies,
And let it go.

The path you followed
Isn't the one I chose.

If you want sympathy, baby,
You get nothing from me.

I'm in my villian era;
That is to say
I'm in my intolerant era
My "I don't give a ****" era
My "I don't have patience for peoples emotions and stupidity" era;

Except its not an era
It's a day
A week
It is a come and go feeling that helps me to function and push forward,
It is an intensity
A fire burning, but not from anger
It is power and control
It is a wall
It's still kind, but different, tainted
Searching for the motive, the string, the catch
proceeding wearily, lacking child-like faith.

It is the only way to protect myself,
demanding respect
To declare that statement:
"Don't **** with me"
To be a sheep in wolf's clothing
Until I feel safe enough to rid myself of this hyde.

Sitting here, waiting
Which is basically the equivalent
Of grating
My forehead
Against a cheese grater.
For seconds minutes hours.
Soon, there'll be nothing left,
I'll be an empty shell of myself.
My bored tired pieces scattered all across the floors
As I wait
and wait
and wait
For something that I really should've ignored.

I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things,  throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me

I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me

These days have been have felt like I am stuck in a Stanley Kubrick film
Just normalizing the traumatic events
I am looking for someone who is heaven sent
Who would let me vent
And sit in my tent of emotions
Dealing with all this commotion
Of the world falling
I need something calming

stop I begged
I'm only twelve
I constantly said

Leave me alone
please I'm not the one
you want to hold

I guess I asked for it
even after I said
I didn't like it one bit

I guess what I didn't know
was everything meant yes
especially when I begged no

He touched me in places
and gave the
most horrid faces

he even wanted me to call him daddy
but the worst part of it all
is I couldn't bear to tell my mommy

so I'm sorry I posted pictures of myself
I just didn't know hed text me saying
hed think of me when touching himself

I didn't know a bikini
would hurt me so much
especially because I'm not skinny

like the other girls he said
I'm far from them
as he laid me down in his bed

It's always give never take
giving out all my kindness
giving out all my love
giving out words of comfort
but for all that I give
nothing is returned
all give no take
a laugh can't help but to escape
ha, such a sad fate