Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

Special is the word they use when they talk about me

They assume that my diagnosis fully defines me

Sometimes I wish I could only be heard and not seen

That’s what I often think about when I daydream

I see myself
And I cry
And I cry
In mourning
In grief, the way Eden
Sank to grief
Dawn goes down
As I go falling
Between the borderline
And if you are
A borderline
You are everything
In one person
The blackness is murderous
The whiteness is deafening
The inbetween is
Defeating, they said.
as I lay
Thinking of abusing
Substances for I have lived
My whole life
Abused heavily with menace.
Isn’t it sad
To live your whole life as a child
being taught that love is myth?
In a malicious intent
My so called loved ones
I was surrounded by;
Trying to educate me
They thought they were
Enlightening me but in fact,
They were teaching me how to
Despise myself slowly
I have been diagnosed since years
I am a borderline case.
I wish it was my fault
But it was like a shrink in
One’s armour
An atrocious exhibition
Of young a young teen
Living her whole life
With a monster
A Bipolar case
I wish for oblivion
I seek death
Set me free.

Go away
I'm chemically unstable

There's no way
Now that we ever will be able

To be considered me
Truely alright, fine, good, normal


Medicine ungiven
Diagnosis wishing
Why others wouldn't listen?
Because they're talking flesh

we wandered outside to find new friends
everyone bonds better over cancers
and water features. we meander in,
drinking ink and blowing chunks.
what do you see in my sick?
a makeshift self diagnosis.
i can see the wildfires in america
and i can control them with my fingers
because i have heaven's eyes in my skull
for i think therefore i am my own god.
a god with power and lust for life
with lithium in his veins and deleria.
a god who would let you all perish,
boiled alive in your own bile and milk.
a god who understands
why some children are stillborn.
and cries for every one.
a god complex looks a lot like a boy
sitting on the cold concrete steps outside a club
high on some grade a hallucinogenic drug
playing with his *****.

I see you look the other way
    forbearing a feigned sigh
feeling the restrained ache
amidst
     a myopic casual glance
            from the corner
             of your eyes

so beautiful ― oh so beautiful
            so afraid the sun might
                      catch you crying

hearing the silent refrain  echo
      like hindsight in a box of tears
abetting an awkward growing distance
        manifest

  reality  weighted
         gravity
pushing down stronger

   pacing the cage
          door
      swung   open
with nowhere left to go

Its not just a dead end
                          crossroads
in the wake of some aftermath
      a portal passed
           through
           long ago

  where mazy shadows  
   linger like memories
          of someone
     you used to know

come rain or come shine
    falling leaves
return to the roots
like teardrops return to your heart

love is stronger than death
and...,
there's no such thing as fair