I want to recover. I want to open up in therapy and take my medication like I should. I want to feel again. I want this numbness to end. I want to, I do.
but for that to happen, my disorders and diagnoses would have to go away. I would be left to face the real world all on my own.
this safe world that my disorders have built around me would be gone. I would no longer feel so disconnected from my body. I would no longer feel so disconnected from the world around me. my disorders would leave me.
I can’t lose any more friends. I’m still hurt from those endings that I never saw coming
and whether I like it or not, these disorder are my best friends. I can’t lose them yet. I’m not strong enough.
I don't have a personality I have a diagnosis. I am not 'very- ' I'm 'hyper- ' I'm not 'bad at' I'm 'exhibiting dysfunction'. I'm not forgetful it's time blindness I'm not clever it's hyperfixation I'm not active it's stimming I'm not shy it's anxiety. I have a cluster of conditions balled up in my chest instead of a heart. I don't have a brain I have a doctor's hand behind my eyes navigating me through the world. I'm empty without my suffering.
Disorder The word still echoes in my head Surreal and complicated Such a heavy word Even though it's been almost a year Since things were so bad And I heard the words: Anxiety Disorder Eating Disorder Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Followed by the words: Depression Phobia Medication Each one like a lightning strike I can feel them in my veins But the most frightening Was hearing the prefix: Severe
I'm still not honest enough with myself about some of these words...
I see myself And I cry And I cry In mourning In grief, the way Eden Sank to grief Dawn goes down As I go falling Between the borderline And if you are A borderline You are everything In one person The blackness is murderous The whiteness is deafening The inbetween is Defeating, they said. as I lay Thinking of abusing Substances for I have lived My whole life Abused heavily with menace. Isn’t it sad To live your whole life as a child being taught that love is myth? In a malicious intent My so called loved ones I was surrounded by; Trying to educate me They thought they were Enlightening me but in fact, They were teaching me how to Despise myself slowly I have been diagnosed since years I am a borderline case. I wish it was my fault But it was like a shrink in One’s armour An atrocious exhibition Of young a young teen Living her whole life With a monster A Bipolar case I wish for oblivion I seek death Set me free.