there is a pain
so quite particular
that it seems as if
there could be no other
not to compare to this one
when despite your very best
of efforts, you fall short, and
whether deserved or not, whether
based on bad information or bad actors
despite all of these things and many more
the pain to have the person or people you
love most dearly in the world, whether they
love you or not it makes no difference, that
these dearest and most cherished have made
it known so clearly and loudly that they really
don't like you very much, that I am unlikable
and it's not as if I haven't tried, God knows I
have put in the work, and it doesn't just happen,
it takes work, step work, awareness of the moment
I am in, not in one past or a possible future, I've
tried, and am still unliked, so where can I even
go from... from that, what direction can I take
when I cannot change what makes me me?
addiction, fully and completely, has taken my daughter away, my only child, 29 but despite all efforts otherwise, she still feels like my l'il gal. the first thought and feeling of the day jolts me out of those first hazy imaginings before fully waking, now my only sliver of peace. it was all a very long time in the making but still feels like the worst breakup X an order of magnitude, and she may never be back. and there is absolutely nothing more I can do to try to even change that, my l'il gal is out on her own, a daddy's girl minus the daddy, and all I can do now isive a life worthy of what I have yet to give, and make sure I will be the safe, secure and loving place to land if she ever gets serious about getting sober and clean.
man, how precious those moments just upon waking, those sole moments of peace, before, "oh, that's right... ****", and the anxiety and sorrow are then just constant until exhaustion takes me sometimes 30 or 40 hours later. i dont know how long I can live like this, but i'm still grieving and it's a time to be gentle with myself, this biggest ever loss in life will take a lot of getting used to... but I know what i need to do and to be, and and i will, and i am, because I will never, ever stop being her dad.
I want this to end, this filling of every moment with a shock and a jolt, over and over without losing intensity, of the realization that she's out of my life for now, maybe forever, while i'm wearing out our old photo albums. and I miss you my brittany b.