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Feb 8 · 554
Laughs Like Butter
Crystal June Feb 8
Marble lilies
Fingers crossed while I kiss you
You dip into my atmosphere
Suckle at my firebed
Press a penny on each eye
I bite my cheek and then your neck
I pluck the torch from the old man in the corner
Jagged fingerprints, metronome breaths
Spell my name with your heartbeat
I'll spell hers
Lean over the wretched vessel
I'm with her now
Rosewater, braided love
A brush, a wish, a linger
Your lilies shatter on your own expectations
She laughs like butter
I lick my lips
Feb 8 · 117
Burnout
Crystal June Feb 8
I don't want to live like Brian;
I don't want to live by dying.
Everybody wants to love him;
He doesn't know how to let them.

I don't want to be like Brian;
I know when he smiles he's trying
To regain the feeling --
The love, the pain, the healing.

It's overwhelming being
Obligated to love her back.
Love's a burden,
A burning match --

He holds it,
Watching it turn black,
But he doesn't feel the heat.
Feb 8 · 496
Him/Her
Crystal June Feb 8
(Him)
Label me with love,
Bind and blind me with your love.
Unstable with your love,
I fall under your love.

Tell me who I am,
And I'll hold onto my secret.
You're a man in woman's land --
You'll never keep me, but I'll keep it.

.

(Her)
She sets the stars in evening light,
Plucks and places firelight.
Fingers gentle, sure and strong,
Lips tell secrets to my palm.
Her kiss lingers, rubbing pink;
I close my fist and keep it for me.
This is love and this is joy --
She's my man, and I'm her boy.
Pray for peace to a god unknown . . .

At the very least, I've found my one.
Feb 8 · 465
Passports Past
Crystal June Feb 8
Pay for patience,
Pray for time.
Less is more,
but more is mine.

So, I'll wait -- I'll hesitate
To make the move you asked me to.
Your hair is wrong; your curls are long.
I'll think of hers when I'm with you.

.

Lydia lifted me up with her gaze,
And I pushed her back 'til our lips had turned chapped.
We danced the salsa 'til night became day.
No, you'll never match a magic like that.
Jan 2018 · 524
To start, but not to finish
Crystal June Jan 2018
I'm a beginner's violin,
A rental for newborns,
Carried crooked, strummed silly --
A hasty, cacophonous frustration.
Sometimes, my abuser will discover a melody within,
But I'm left abandoned each and every time.
A bruised composite of groans and tireless hours,
I'm useless to the former novice --
To the master musician seeking a worthy companion --
And I'm tossed to the next clueless dreamer.

I'm nothing but a stepping stone,
The first on the path -- the most walked-on of all.
I'm the start of a new journey, never the finish.
I'm the easiest one to trample.
I'm the training wheels that the little boy hates that he needs,
All too eager to outgrow and to pry from his bike of a life.

I'm the catalyst that pushes caterpillar to butterfly.

Most supportive, least desired,
Once I raise them, they're gone by morning --
Never a thank you, never a nod, never a thought.
Jan 2018 · 303
Chewing Gum
Crystal June Jan 2018
Laying beside you, I'm a breathless contradiction:
Burrowed in the earth, held constant and strong,
Yet weightlessly floating above the seaside bluffs --
The atmospheric whistling sending me up, up, up.
I tried lifting you with me, but this wistless current was only meant for one --
Only sent to separate, to end before we had begun.

You're an accidental anvil,
A sole coyote that hunted a suburban puppy dog
And felt remorse.
The only one to regret killing such beloved pet
(But you know you'll do it again come Friday).
Survival outweighs compassion immeasurably.

Let me down now?
You always seemed so good at it before.
My lungs grew heavy and my tongue is sore
From tracing your name silently along the backs of my teeth,
But it's like an overworn stick of gum.
The flavor's right there on the package,
But all the taste is gone.

You told me exactly how we would end --
The rest of our stash of smuggled fireworks shooting out all at once,
The grand ******* finale.
But the one thing that you never said was when.
I guess I should've asked.
Jan 2018 · 434
Steady May She Go
Crystal June Jan 2018
Slow, fast, slow, fast.
My mind moves in circles every time that you walk past.
But then we're a messy tangle of muddled limbs --
Your bony edges on my pale, pale skin,
And **** it, I let you in,
As if the world will wait for us to separate
Before daring to turn again.

Is it my turn again?
To be the one to calm your anxious mind,
To pull the end to help unwind, unravel those fears
Held in cavities left untraveled since braver, younger years --
But now it's time.

Pause the pain, halt the worry,
I'm still right here, no need to hurry!

Intimacy need not be cause to panic any longer.
I once was weak, but I've grown stronger --
Stronger with the smiles you share in the early morning,
My hair in your face and the tension forming
Until we decide to breathe as one for a while or two.
Somehow, I never grow tired of you --
Rather, tired with you.

And we'll stay in bed all day and throw our lonely lives away,
Convincing ourselves that hiding under blankets can stop the clocks --
Drowning out the ticking sounds with our legs interwoven,
Our desperate lips forever locked.

Or so it seems, but we both know exactly how this all will go...
But oh, I hope that this'll last.
Out of all the slows, let this not go fast.
It went fast.
Dec 2017 · 977
Strings Attached
Crystal June Dec 2017
Oh, I'd like to throw you in the sky
                      and run you like a kite
Smiling as I'm watching you fly above me
Taking you to endless,
                         breathless,
                         /boundless/ heights

But, oh, my feet would tire soon
And the breeze would drop
                and so would you
And you'd crash down at my feet
And you'd know now that I'm incomplete

                                                     ­       high
But I'd hope you'd remember the
While you're down here dealing with the
                                                                ­          low

I'd hope you had the courage to fly once more
. . . with someone else pulling the string from down below
Aug 2017 · 391
One-Zero
Crystal June Aug 2017
Head hung low,
Back hunched,
Arched inward.
Dragging.
Life, body, dreams -
All dragging.
Once, neck straight.
Once, shoulders back.
Once.
Once naive.
One.
One shot to shoulder,
One to knee,
One to chest.
Rest.
Rest.
Rest.
An empty eternity.
Crystal June Aug 2017
My insides crash
And my lungs explode
And my eyes squeeze shut
And everything is urgent.
Muscles tense like that last argument -
You yelled, I cried.
Isolate. Isolate.
Go away.
Numb, yet bursting with pain;
Shot down & wounded.
Truly an attack.
Feb 2017 · 717
I've Lost the Way
Crystal June Feb 2017
Babe, we're living in times of history.
It's happening right before our eyes,
But all I do is lie in misery
And wish for warmer skies.

I'm sitting here watching time pass me by.
You're running with it.
I'm trapped in a bed of sorrows and lies,
But I made it myself.

---

Time slowed on the way to Kentucky.
The golden leaves of the southern trees --
I saw it all,
Every last imprint of mother nature's kiss.

It was in that land that father and mother coexisted for a period
Without time,
Without noise,
Without fear,

But that was the land of yesteryear.

Here time sped up, but me,
Well, I'm still stuck
Living in slow motion, and you
Couldn't wait for me.

It's only fair,
For I accelerated far too far for a fair young girl,
Wind in my pigtails
And hope in my heart.

The thing about using hope for fuel
Is that it's a limited resource that drains
                                                                    too
                                                                        soon.

I slowed down and for a time
Found you running by my side,
But my hope ran empty
And your heart ran cold,
And you left me coughing in your path,
Following footsteps that grew older by the second.

I lost you when I lost myself.

For now, I'm still where you left me.
I only got so far as I did
Because you replenished my hope for a short-lived spell,
But I'm too slow for your bustling heart --
I couldn't keep up with your footsteps.

The path is gone.
I vanished with it.
Crystal June Feb 2017
Can't you ******* fear, my darling dear?
Isn't that the reason you're even here?
In your eyes, I disappear.
I'm sorry, who am I again?
Crystal June Jan 2017
You and me set out to sea to chase the setting sun --
But it set too soon, so we caught the moon
(Still a great prize to be won).
Though, it changed the rhythm of the tides,
And all the waves they churned.
It came that you and me soon learned
We never could return.
Do the risks outweigh the reward?
Jan 2017 · 248
You Thief!
Crystal June Jan 2017
An eye for an eye,
A heart for a heart.
You stole mine, so I went for yours
But found no place to start.
For where a heart should surely be,
A sign was in its place
(I guess it's common courtesy),
And this is what it states:

"I took my heart to give to you
To show I love you so,
But that same love grew wings and flew,
And where it is, I do not know!
I've taken yours to keep it safe until it finally lands.
Until then, I'll remember our last embrace and dream of your romance."

I hope your heart does soon return, and then to mine does bind --
For one heart without another is such a pitiful thing to find.
Jan 2017 · 442
But what happens in summer?
Crystal June Jan 2017
Bloom, bloom.
My spring is not determined by your winter's end.
Bloom, bloom.
I'm blossoming all on my own, and I'm more beautiful that I'm alone.
Bloom, bloom.
You know I'll never let you soil my flower bed.
Bloom, bloom.
You're a **** of a man, and I'm a daffodil of a woman.
Bloom, bloom.
Without you, I bloom, bloom.
Jan 2017 · 1.1k
Sorry, Boys.
Crystal June Jan 2017
Don't fantasize,
Close your eyes.
Your prying lies
Will surely lead to my demise,
For I was born
To be more
Than just a simple wife.

I'm not a trophy by any means,
But I see marriage in your eyes --
Two rings staring right at who you think I am,
The one you want, but I never can
Be the girl that you desire.
You've been confusing my cold shoulder
For an igniting fire.
I'm not trying to call you a liar,
If anything, I'm the one concealing the truth.

I will never be just a wife,
I will lead my own fantastic life.
I'll never wear an apron, curls, or pearls.
I will never be your one and only girl.
I will live for myself and my daughters,
For all those women to come
Who think
All they can ever be is a housewife
Clad in pink.
Honey, there's so much more to this
Than a life in which you depend on a man
For your happiness.

Be your own other half,
Fall in love with your own smile.
I wrote this about a month ago, but it seems relevant now more than ever.
Jan 2017 · 720
The Stars Did Not Align
Crystal June Jan 2017
I think I've got it all wrong again.
I think it was all just in my head.
This isn't what I think it is --
I'm still alone like before.
I mistook your attention for something more.

Your heart is empty and my head is numb,
I'm the greatest fool there ever was.
I'm leaving, I'm not looking back.
I'm taking everything with me.
Not even the scent of my smile will linger.

I hope you love someday,
And I hope she's better than me.
I hope her eyes are dry
And her head is high
And she's more on the ground than she is in the sky.

All I ever was was high.
You couldn't reach me.
I stopped letting you try.
I'm too far above for your compact love
That came packed with density
Too intense for me,
Misplaced and under-spaced affections that were too immense for me.

And I don't know how to let you go,
So you'll have to let me go instead.
The music is gone and the dream is dead.
For once, I feel like this is really the end --
Not a mere rebirth of the story of a friend
Who dared to find a better way.

And the bitter truth is that we're stronger apart.
You were the symphony in a subway car,
And I was the apple in a cookie jar.

We belonged, just not with each other.
Dec 2016 · 516
Hardly a Miracle
Crystal June Dec 2016
In the town of the righteous and the honest, I was an outcast.

The rain poured down, but it couldn't save your soul.
I substituted tears for dew, but it still had no effect on you.
You're as cold as that memory of the night we planned our escape.
I guess reality was quicker than our ambitions.

I can't stay and watch us die, so consider this my last goodbye.
You'll remain the boy who caught the music on a fishing hook,
And I'll just be the girl who sang of hazy daisies.

Somewhere in a land much better than this, a white dove sits atop a willow tree,
And that is all there is.
Dec 2016 · 131
Truth be told...
Crystal June Dec 2016
I've got this nasty little secret
That I'm finally ready to give,
And here it is:

I'm afraid that in this life
I've died more times than I've lived.
Dec 2016 · 207
I Hate Loving You.
Crystal June Dec 2016
And if I could keep loving you in misery or be happy on my own,
I'd rather be alone.
Dec 2016 · 427
Don't Look Under the Bed.
Crystal June Dec 2016
We don't mention the monsters in the closet.
We don't talk to our imaginary friends.
Just because we don't acknowledge what we shouldn't,
Doesn't mean that they were never really there.

Keep it to yourself,
Reality is now.
Keep it to yourself,
For creativity is the modern day insanity.

Don't believe in things that aren't allowed to exist.
Even your own two eyes can lie sometimes.
Am I allowed to exist?
Can you believe in me?
Do you believe in me, baby?

We don't mention the monsters in the closet.
We don't talk to our imaginary friends.
Just because we don't acknowledge what we shouldn't,
Doesn't mean that they were never really there.

What have you seen?
What part of your soul did you shut down today?
Don't you think it's more insane to ignore what is glaringly true
Than to feign a logical existence?

There's more to the picture,
Some missing piece to the puzzle of reality.
Growing up is growing old.
Don't die with your childhood.

Keep it to yourself,
Reality is now.
Keep it to yourself,
For creativity is the modern day insanity.
I'm not quite sure if this is a song or a poem -- you decide.
Dec 2016 · 445
Do You Seek Intimacy?
Crystal June Dec 2016
Maybe I've been mistaking red for pink.
Maybe I'm not as safe as I think.
I think I better stay in my bed.
I think maybe, oh baby, you want me dead.

Baby you petrify me.
Preserve my soul so I'll never die, please?
Nobody will ever find me.
Sweetie, I swear I'll never leave.

Only you see who I am.
You love me as hard as you possibly can.
Only I know who you are.
You wished for true love on a shooting star.

I promise I'll be happy in time.
I promise I'll get used to calling you mine.
Darling, you're losing control.
Get a grip on your mind or you'll swallow me whole!

You know I'll never try that again.
I'll be here in your arms 'til the bittersweet end.
You'll have to take precautions of course,
Clip my feathers to ensure I'm yours.

Honey, it's clear I'm yours alone.
I wait for hours each day until you get home.
Don't you see I'm better alive?
This love will be perfect if you let me survive.
When does obsession become dangerous? (Note: This is fiction. For now.)
Dec 2016 · 301
Proceed with Caution.
Crystal June Dec 2016
Do not fall for these sweet illusions,
They're just a symptom of your confusion --
The hazy smog of your mind's pollution.
Believing it is not the solution.

Nobody knows the real you.
No one can ever see.
And all those who try to reveal you
Will surely fail -- undoubtedly.

They love the you they think they know,
Adore the one you're not.
They're grasping mere mirages though,
You'll never be the one they want!

And though he makes you want to sing,
Please do not be fooled --
For if he did know everything,
His "passion" would be cooled.
Sep 2016 · 575
This Curse, It Kills Me.
Crystal June Sep 2016
I wanted to love you,
But I never got the chance.
You played off my affections
As if what we had was happenstance.

We were never going to be amazing,
But we sure could've been good.
Amongst subtle touches and star-gazing
Lied the words I wished to say but never would.

And I've been told by friend and foe alike
That I can't blame myself for your reluctant heart.
Though, if I could just break this wretched cycle,
Maybe we could've avoided this from the start.

But it's what I do - I trip and stumble,
And all my strategically-placed walls begin to crumble,
As I fool myself into believing
That girls like me can end up with boys like you.

And as much as I hate to admit,
I know my soul is that of a poet,
So that loneliness will surely be my destiny -
Though I pray my tired heart may forego it.

But fate is a demanding thing,
And even the most minuscule chance at love
Will be dutifully executed in a timely manner,
While the cosmic audience nods in approval from above.
Jul 2016 · 1.9k
My Father's Piano
Crystal June Jul 2016
There is no experience in the world
      that I cherish more
            than hearing my father play the piano.

It's imperfect and beautiful and
                                                       sounds
                                                          ­     like
                                                            ­      home.

The notes are often choppy, and there are pauses
      as his mind turns over what keys to play next --
            sort of like our lives as a family.

We're awkward
      and have
            broken             periods,
but altogether we're making music.

Every breath a note,
      every laugh a chord,
every      "I love you"      a harmony
            that
only our family
      can hear.

And there's staccato! arguments,

and there's fortissimo days with pianissimo nights,

and there's repeat on repeat on repeat,
      making our lives seem
      constantly       andante.

But life is like a series of randomly placed fermatas --
unpredictable, yet musically enriched because of it.

            And I wouldn't want it any other way.
The day my father stops playing piano is the day a piece of my soul dies.
Jul 2016 · 602
For My Little Sister
Crystal June Jul 2016
This is for every single night
That the world just seems so black & white
And I'm not there to quiet
The voices rushing through your tired mind

When the box you live in
Begins to box you in
And the person in the mirror
Is a stranger to the one under your skin

Please know wherever I may be
It'll always be you & me --
Lonely freaks on distant streets
Remembering the days we used to be free

Free from the impending death
Of our ever deteriorating heads --
Up all night in our oversized beds
Dreaming of things that hadn't happened yet

Fighting over nothing at all
But always there when the other would fall
Busting down each other's walls
To show our fears were oh-so-small

And I know I've gone away
Left you high and dry
But promise me you won't forget
That we are under the same sky
Looking at the same stars every single night --
The world's not so black & white --
Please just hold onto your life
Until I'm there again to turn your darkness into light,
*And know I love you, sister of mine
If you ever see this, I love you. I can only hope you'll be stronger than I am.
Jun 2016 · 536
.Life.
Crystal June Jun 2016
Life is simply an extended period of trying to prove you're not alone.
Jun 2016 · 394
Me (2)
Crystal June Jun 2016
I'm scared for my sanity.
I'm scared for my family.
I'm scared for the future me.
I'm scared of who I used to be.

Used to be sleeping sweet,
But now I dream of city streets
In a town where I'm alone,
Don't got no home --
And I wake to find reality's not far off...

Late night conversations with the one who shares my DNA
Are frightening to me, and now I want to run away
Out into the woods where solitude will comfort me,
But the shadow me will follow shortly,
Yeah, I know she'll surely come for me --

'Cause I can run, but I just can't seem
To hide away from the me inside of me.

I fear for my daughter.
I fear for my son.
I fear for the moment the war is truly won.
I fear that I will live to see the day my shadow dies,
And end up feeling empty inside, despite...

Take me away from here.
Help me swallow all my fear.
Give me sight so I may see
All that lies ahead of me.
Allow me to set my soul free!

*Who is this person I call "me"?
When mental illness runs in your family, your family ends up trying to run from it. Our minds are infected, or soon will be.
Jun 2016 · 331
Alive
Crystal June Jun 2016
I decided to breathe today,
To fill my lungs with that invisible, life-giving substance
That I've never really known before.

But now I do, I know it well,
For it has caused my lungs to swell,
And, well,
It got me feeling pretty compelled
To write this down so I could tell
Of the swell of my lungs
That I just felt.

And what's fascinating is that I wasn't consuming air,
I was breathing in life for the very first time.
Inhale truth, exhale death.

Awake. Awake. Awake.

Oh, I want to be more than a pile of bones and air,
Floating away into the atmosphere.

I need to be more than a heart and a face,
Let boundless life take their place.

Let my head be filled up to the brim
With that which my lungs have let in --
Let my path of life truly begin.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

No more drifting up into the sky.

And now the truth will weigh me down,
Keep my soul beneath the clouds.

**** bliss,
I'd rather be aware and alive
Than ignorant and dormant.
We were put here for more.

I want to be more than this.

Awake. Awake. Awake.
Alive. Alive. Alive.
Awake. Awake. Awake.
**Alive for all my life.
Jun 2016 · 764
Little Glass House
Crystal June Jun 2016
And I'm here in this little glass house,
On display for the robots next-door --
The last of human life
Trapped in a box with translucent locks
In this paradisiacal paradox.

The suburbs are where dreams go to die.
Look at that cool-guy dad of three
With a car from 1970
Who doesn't get a wink of sleep,
And for dinner he eats batteries.

He wasn't supposed to be like this,
Spending more time with his therapist
Than with his mechanizing kids.

Love is sending them as far away as possible
Before they're condemned to your same tragic fate.

Their precious internal organs are slowly being swapped and traded with engine parts,
So that their chests hum rather than beat --
And wheels are used more often than feet.

Extension cords for intestines
And oil for blood,
Plug them in to sleep at night
So that they may be fully charged and operational tomorrow.

They are constantly being programmed in the greatest form of mass production known to man.
(Well, what's left of him.)

Cookie cutter children with magnetic hands,
Always grabbing and attracting new parts to attach to themselves.
Chewing microchips like bubblegum,
Transferring data as a form of fun.

It's "cool-guy dad 2.0."
He's outdated now,
Useless apart from nurturing the new generation that will ultimately cause his demise.

Oh, what a time to be alive.
To be a human on display in an industrial neighborhood.
(And don't even get me started on the soccer moms.)
The suburbs get to me sometimes (a.k.a. all the time).
Mar 2016 · 487
February Sky (A Song)
Crystal June Mar 2016
The time is exactly two forty-five,
And I’m out here alone
Below the February sky
Just trying to find a way to feel alive.
-
You know what that’s like?

I got my headphones on,
Dressed to un-impress,
Playing my current favorite song
With my hair all in a mess.

And you’re on my mind again,
Like an imaginary friend
That I just can’t seem to grasp.
Are you fiction, are you fact?
-
You’re everything that I lack.

And I’m in a place that I can’t describe,
Swaying to the music
At two forty-five.
The longer I’m alone,
The longer I’ll survive,
So I’ll dance the night away
Beneath this February sky.

And then the cops drive by
On this cool February night,
And you’re still not in sight -
All I can see is flashing lights.

And they stop and ask if everything’s alright,
Ask how many drinks I’ve had this night.
I just keep swaying and sigh
Because I’ll never get it right,
-
And all of this is just a waste of their time.

So I say,
“Sorry officer,
I’m not drunk,
I’m just psychotic.”

And they look into my eyes,
And much to their surprise,
I’m simply sober, and alive
Below the February sky.

Then I take their hands and pull them with me,
Although they can’t hear the song,
And they try to fight, but I don’t let them,
I just laugh and sing along.

The time is roughly three o’five,
And I’m being detained
Under the silver moonlight.
And the February sky watches on…

I guess you’ll never know quite what it’s like,
No, you’ll never know what this feels like.
When you get pulled over by the cops, you can either get upset or get inspired. (Though, to be fair, I got a little bit of both.)
Mar 2016 · 704
Self-Love/Loathe (A Song)
Crystal June Mar 2016
It’s been a while, but I’ve figured out
Why my life seems so different now.
Working on being your new fixation
In a costume of my own creation.

I know I’m not who I used to be,
I’m used to being shut down,
Silenced,
Ooh, their words were violent,
And I ended up someone I’m not sure I want to be.

But that doesn’t matter anymore…

‘Cause I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my looks, my heart for you.

I know it’s sad and reeks of desperation,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Honey, if you would just love me,
Maybe I could love me too.

Baby could you kiss me in the moonlight,
And see the stars in my eyes,
And let me take the pain away.
All those thoughts you’ve had today -
They don’t mean anything
As long as I’m around.

Please, just use me like I’m using you.
My heart tells me it’s choosing you,
And all these stupid things I do
Only promise me that I’ll be losing you.

And I know I’m simply sad and eighteen,
And life has much more planned for me.
What’s that look supposed to mean?
We used to speak so candidly.

And now I know you want to leave me…

But I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my whole ******* self for you.

I know it’s so very sad and desperate,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Darling, if you would just love me,
Then maybe I could love me too.

Can you please just ******* love me,
So that I can love me too?
Procrastination really breeds great creative spells - for things other than what I'm supposed to be doing. Another song with no tune, enjoy.
Dec 2015 · 545
Prison Break!
Crystal June Dec 2015
Today the demons are alive and well,
And I'm trapped in my personal Hell -
Pounding on the prison gates,
But no one answers and I fear it's too late.

If I couldn't save myself,
How are they supposed to?

Stuck here in this empty cell
That I sentenced myself to -
Locked my soul away so nobody could steal it,
But a soulless life broke my heart,
And now nobody could heal it.

No, didn't need a boy to break my ***** of a heart,
I did that myself when I locked up my soul
And threw away the key.

And now I'm crying for release,
Screaming, "Someone help me!"

When you lock away your mind
Trying to hide from the lies,
It's the truth you're sure to find.
But sometimes reality is just too **** real,
And sometimes you break your own heart.

You just gotta keep searching
For a way back out.

Prison break,
Break the gates
And embrace your fate.

And all the while please just know
For there to be a Hell on Earth,
There must also be a Heaven.

For Heaven's sake, let's rush those gates,
Escape the land of relentless self hate.
So sick of being a powerless inmate,
But it's what I get for pushing you away.

There I go again pushing myself back into the cell
That I know too well.
If this is Hell, dear Lord,
Where is my Heaven?

I can't find it -
I've been searching for years,
Yet hiding behind my fears,
And drowning in my countless tears.

Maybe I can cry my way out of this.
My soulless life, so lifeless
Even the guards have disappeared!
So why the **** am I still here?!

It's time for a prison break,
Break the gates
And embrace my fate.

And the whole time I'll remember
For there to be a Hell on Earth,
There must also be a Heaven.

Feeling like I don't deserve it -
Laying my dreams to rest
In a brutal death,
Won't pass this test.
I'm testing myself to see if I've grown comfortable
In my cell I know far too well -
Maybe this isn't Hell,
Maybe this was Heaven all along.

For I once told myself
The greatest joy in life is crying.
Well then why aren't I happy by now?

It's been so long that happiness is just a myth to me -
A bedtime story you tell yourself
While the monsters in the closet
And under the bed
And in your head
And your heart
Start to creep out to tear you apart.

But somehow I've made it out alive,
I'll hold onto my soul this time.

For I've broken the gates, and before it's too late
I'm on my way to find my heaven.
Dec 2015 · 457
Love me cold
Crystal June Dec 2015
She said she didn't understand
Why people always sang of "burning love" -
All fiery and hot that leaves scars and pain in its wake.
A rush of emotions that flickers when the wind blows.

No, we don't need something fragile
That will only leave us in ashes
And embers of remembrance.

Tonight, or tomorrow,
Baby, I want you to love me cold.
Dec 2015 · 489
Bow to the King
Crystal June Dec 2015
Am I a Christian
Or just a silly girl who believes in something more?
I worship God in my own way,
Baptizing myself in my own tears every night
Praying for it all to stop.

Either way, we are not the ones calling the shots.

There's something going on here, dear,
So shut your pretty mouth
And get down on your knees and bow to the king -
The crafty creator of everything.

He made you knowing those dark thoughts would appear -
There's a reason why you're here.
So why don't you put down the water gun -
You were not meant for toys like that -
A life of fun is so ******* overrated,
Darling look how far you've made it.
(Look how far we've made it.)

Don't you dare ever waste it,
You're here for a purpose, dear.
Might be a month,
Might be several years.
You'll make it,
I swear,
You'll conquer your fears.

And all those tears you've made
(All these tears I've made)
Will make you stronger in the end,
This is not the end -
Crying, "Will it ever end?" -
Hold on and rest your weary head,
It'll end when you are dead,

But for now the king wants you alive.
Hang on to your life,
Take a deep breath and sigh.
Say, "Nobody is stronger than I."
Scratch that, "us."
"No one is stronger than us."

Because you and I are meant to combine together.
We are running out of time.
He wants us to rise and fall as one
Until the whole **** system comes undone -
But until that day will surely come,
Let's continue our march into the sun.
We'll make it ***,
Look how far we've made it.
Dec 2015 · 529
Losing it all
Crystal June Dec 2015
I have the strangest tendency to make things disappear.
One minute I can see it out there in the clear,
Look away for a split second, turn away my eyes
Only to come back and find I've lost my prize.
I swear my mind is number one on the rooting team for its own demise.
You'll be looking to the ground, I'll be looking to the skies

Asking why things always leave me when I need them most -
My mind and body don't go together -
My body it's just the host
For my twisted beyond belief head
And a heart of broken glass and lead.
I wonder when I will find it again -

This thing I've hopelessly lost.
My helpless, deep thoughts block my vision,
Can't see two feet in front of me.
Is it my family or a stranger holding his hand to me?
Chances are I'll take it
Saying I thought it was my parent -
But from the very start
I've detected the unfamiliar beating of this stranger's heart.

And I'll love him like a distant cousin
And ask him if he knows -
Before he goes -
Please do you know
Where my mind has gone?
I've lost it with my slippers.
Have you seen my sanity?
It should be beside that bag
That I've tried and tried to no avail to find.

I'm just physically and metaphorically lost
In more ways than you'll ever know.
My body grows, but my mind has been old forever -
Never succumbing to the childish state
Of my careless peers.

Though I must admit I'm careless now -
No not the careless like other people don't matter and you do -
But the careless like they are the ones I'm trying to save
Because I've been lost so long
That the posters pinned on the wall
Asking, "Have you seen this girl?"
Are all but faded now
So the one in the picture on the posters on the wall
Doesn't really look like me at all.

Careless to the point where I'd do anything
For a minute of sunlight,
But my eyes are blind
And my world free of light.

Used to be so ******* bright
A future stitched and sewn so tight,
But I'm sleeping alone every night
Looking to the starless sky
And

Asking why things always leave me when I need them most -
My mind and body don't go together -
My body is just the host
For my twisted beyond belief head,
And a heart of broken glass and lead -
Following a stranger I've never met,
Wondering will I ever find it again?
Dec 2015 · 13.9k
Party. Party. Party.
Crystal June Dec 2015
Party. Party. Party.

All they want to know
Is it worth it to go?
Dressed up, messed up
Party. Party. Party.

All they'll ever do
Forget me and you
We'll go party too
Party. Party. Party.

Not a thought in your empty head
As I'm crawling in your bed
I'll never let you in mine
Party. Party. Party.

Keep my heart and mind apart
When's the party gonna start?
6-inch heels and blurry eyes
Party. Party. Party.

Party in the day time
Party in the night time
Party all the ******* time
Party. Party. Party.

All they ever ask
Where you keep your hidden flask
Dressed up, messed up
Party. Party. Party.
This is based on high school students asking me about college parties.
Dec 2015 · 997
An anti-love story
Crystal June Dec 2015
I write these songs I'll never sing
Walk like I'm the ******* queen
Don't give a **** 'bout anything
Boy you were so mean to me

But that's okay 'cause this ain't love
Never will be, never was
I'm sure you didn't mean to give me hope
But that's alright because I'm over it

I'm over you, over me,
Over whatever the **** we were supposed to be
And I'm left here alone with my thoughts again
Neither a prayer nor a friend
To talk this out and lay to rest

And this bed is so much colder now
Despite you never being in it
I just feel the potential, overwhelming

Took my body, not my heart
Not like I had one for you to take in the first place

I hate your face, but I love the way you used me
Called me over, ****** me up
Physically bruised me
Guess you couldn't really even lose me

I was never yours, just a lonely girl with hours to spend
In a practically stranger's bed
And now I'm left alone with my thoughts again

Nothing I say ever makes sense
And you sensed that in me
Detached from me
On a mad quest for not my mind, my body
Senses intermixed - boy you wish
But you were just a short term solution to a long term problem
My mind's got pollution, need a potion just to fix it
Drink away my sorrows - don't even got a fake
But the smile on my painted face is fake enough to convince poor ******* like you to
Get me a drink
Give me a dance
Send me a wink
For a night
Same time next week, I'll be on the floor in tears
My vision going weak

'Cause no matter how hard I act like it don't matter
I find myself getting madder and madder
Walking right under the ladders
'Cause my life couldn't get sadder

And I know someday I'll really be over you - you being the one night stands -
When I'm twenty-two and respected with love from a man not a boy
You couldn't break my heart if it never was beating
And the feeling in my mind is that my patience is depleting -
Like the battery on my cell I stare at for, well, ten hours a day
Just trying to find a way to say I never cared about you anyway

I would if I could
You were never any good
Got my number in your contacts
Won't ever text me back

So I'm jaded and alone
Because you won't pick up that phone
I know I will never love you, just thought the things you said were true
About sticking around
And not letting me down
Like all those other people I've had to kick to the ground

Oh well, I guess closure's overrated
And in the end I'll never make it

Just a girl with a pen and a ****** up head
Staring her shadow down through the night
In her cold and empty bed
Don't take this personally.
Dec 2015 · 381
Numb
Crystal June Dec 2015
Numb.
I'm the careless, selfish person I never wanted to become.

Eighteen years of being alone has left me jaded and believing love doesn't ******* exist. Guys will settle for my body for a night with no intention of knowing my mind.

And, perhaps worse, some even stoop so low as to pretend to be interested in me - ask me about my family, my religion, my passion, my stance on politics - with the underlying intention to just use me and never speak to me again.

Those are the ruthless kind of boys who give ****** up, broken girls like me a glimmer of hope. There's nothing crueler than making the hopeless hopeful - earning their trust only to crush it again.

And now I can't look at the stars without thinking of him. I knew we'd never love each other, and was honestly only remotely attracted to him.

He was just the first boy to ever look at me that way - like I was something to be desired. He took what he wanted under a thin veil of respect, then left me staring at the stars and feeling like the stupid girl I am.

We were never meant to be in love.
I never loved him.
Crystal June Dec 2015
There's not enough songs about being alone.

Not like your friends are busy and your family is out and you've just had your heart broken.

Like your friends were never really your friends and have finally given up on the charade. Like your family is surrounding you physically, but they just don't understand - because they just don't care. Like you've gone your whole entire God ****** life without being called beautiful by anyone that matters - let alone be loved by someone. Like you give and give to anyone who is willing to take - anyone who even looks your way without a hint of disgust on their face - you give until you're empty and you have nothing left. You can't even keep yourself company because some part of you is convinced you don't even exist. Like the loneliness that drives you absolutely insane.

Exactly that kind of alone.
May 2015 · 465
Letter to My Damaged Father
Crystal June May 2015
I know it's tough. But the easiest choice isn't always the best one. Don't let her make you weak. There's no way she'll ever get better. She says what she wants you to hear and sounds like she means it, but in reality she's incapable of keeping her word. You need to move on. I'm here for you. I love you.
May 2015 · 1.0k
17
Crystal June May 2015
17
17 is such an unsure number.
Not quite 15 but not quite 20.
Not quite anything.
Lumpy, awkward,
Boring, confusing.
17. Is. Such.
An. Unsure. Number.
May 2015 · 315
drowning in beauty
Crystal June May 2015
and as much as they say not to romanticize depression, there's something beautiful about the way her sobs escape her mouth when all she wants to do is escape reality, jealous of her tears for being on their path to newfound freedom. there's something ******* poetic about the trail they make down her cheek, pale from spending endless days indoors too afraid to face the sunshine when all she sees is the moon. it's magical how her heart can literally feel the shattered fragments of lives left behind, tearing her apart completely from the inside out. she sits alone, troubled by never being pretty enough, while true beauty surrounds her. true. *******. beauty.
May 2015 · 2.8k
Tragically Beautiful
Crystal June May 2015
I'm like a wilting daisy, too tragically beautiful for anyone to pick.
May 2015 · 5.5k
the torture of insecurity
Crystal June May 2015
i wish i could be beautiful without having to change my hair or my face or my clothes or my weight. i wish i could focus on the year to year, not the day to day. i wish i could look in the mirror and smile instead of picking at "problem areas" and wanting to smash it and cry and fall apart like the fragmented reflections on the ground. i wish i could be loved for me. i wish i could be happy.
Jan 2015 · 803
Not Broken, Just Not Whole
Crystal June Jan 2015
Perhaps
I'm not broken,
And this is the real me,
Just sad and alone.

Maybe
I've always been this way,
Lost,
Confused.

I've never had my heart broken,
But I've never been loved either.
So instead of being broken,
Maybe I'm just not whole.
Jan 2015 · 532
Tell Me
Crystal June Jan 2015
Please
Tell me you love me
Even if it's just a lie
Because it just might save my life

Tell me
"Sweetheart, you'll be fine"
'Cause I'm running
Out of time

Tell me you need me
Like the way that I need you
Yeah boy, I think you knew
Since it's all I ever do

Babe, tell me a story
Tell me there's a place for us
In this messed up world
Of broken dreams & of loveless lust

Oh, I'm falling down
I just need you now

Please tell me you love me
Tell me I'm the only one
That there's so much more to live for
That our story's just begun

Yeah, give me a promise
Something to make me hold on
'Cause I'm drifting like a feather
Make me bolder, make me strong

I'm falling apart
And I just need your heart
To fix what's left of mine
Wipe the tears from my eyes

So please
Tell me you love me
Even if it's just a lie
Because it just might save my life

Yeah, you just might save my life

Baby, now's the time

Go ahead and save my life
Jan 2015 · 565
House Vs Home
Crystal June Jan 2015
Yes, I live here.
No, I don't actually have a life.
Yes, I smile almost every day.
No, I never mean it.
Yes, I sleep fine at night.
No, I don't feel safe.
Yes, my family loves me.
No, I don't love myself.
Yes, I have my own room.
No, I don't ever stop feeling lonely.
Yes, my parents cook me dinner.
No, they don't actually want me to eat.
Yes, I have friends.
No, they don't put me first.
Yes, I'm getting help.
No, it doesn't make a difference.
Yes, this is my house.
No, this is not my home.
Jan 2015 · 278
How
Crystal June Jan 2015
How
How am I
       supposed to be strong
               when all I want
                       is to bask
                              in the glory of

    brokenness?
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
Fallen Angel
Crystal June Jan 2015
Come one, come all
Boys and girls
To see the miraculous
Fallen angel

She once was white
Pure in heart
Feathers groomed
The best that she could be

But one day
She flew into a storm
Her wings torn
Tainted grey and black

She fell from the sky
Her dreams shattered
And now not even God
Can bare to look her way

She is the broken one
Once whole and beautiful
But now
Now she is nothing

Don't worry kids,
She won't hurt you
She's too busy
Hurting herself

Hold her hand
For just a moment
And perhaps
She'll tell of how she flew

But that is over now
Let's leave the past
In the past
And move on

That's all folks
Say goodbye now
To the one and only
Fallen angel
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