I feel hollow,
I feel shallow,
I feel dirty,
I feel empty,
I feel sticky,
I feel itchy,
I feel messy,
I feel heavy                        
I feel new,
I feel old,
I want to let go,
I want to hold,
I feel used,
I feel bruised, and maybe at times abused,
I loathe myself, and sometimes about myself I boast,
I feel hungry,
I feel full,
I feel thirsty,
I feel quenched,
I feel alone,
I feel lonely,
I feel clothed,
I feel naked,
I feel whole,
I feel broken into pieces,
I feel blossomed,
I feel withered,              
I feel responsible for my anomaly,                      
I feel like talking,
I feel like silencing myself,
I feel like running,
I feel like walking by myself,
I feel like climbing,
I feel like rolling,
I feel like shouting when I climb,
I feel like screaming when I crawl,
I feel like crying when I run,
I feel like collapsing when I walk,
I feel like a tool,
I feel like a fool.                        
I feel like a child ordered to act like an adult,                        
I feel like tearing,                        
I feel like shredding                        
I feel all these feelings,
Because that's what I am allowed to,
I never feel love,
Because that's something that I'm not allowed to,  
Because they feel it’s unnatural to fill Missus and Missus on their forms and lines, that's what I feel.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm fucked in the head from all your shit
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you fucked up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every fucking dayy
Ugh

FUCK YOU! For all that you did to me
FUCK YOU! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
Bitch you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

I think of your soft skin
The sweet lines of your beautiful face
And I can't help but smile.

My frozen heart warms at the thought
Of the way our souls collide as our foreheads touch
Satin skin against skin.

You are the most wonderful part the universe
Your soul vibrates so perfectly with mine
We complete one another so gracefully.

Despite your place in my heart
I will try to hold myself stable
Enough to not drag you into this darkness with me.

Your beautiful heart and it's unnatural beat
Have carried you through enough torture
And still it strives forward as perfect and innocent as ever.

Baby I love you more than myself
That's why I haven't opened up yet
I'm afraid to give you more nightmares than you're already plagued with.

But I want more than anything
To give you all of me
I just wish it could be done more easily.

I know I'm not perfect and
I'm dripping with bad habits
But please believe that my feelings for you are real

Even though I seem walled off right now
I really am trying to open up for you
For you and for me

So one day soon we can both live at ease
Without the fear of this falling apart
Dreaming peacefully, on our little island paradise

They spend their days applauding the rich
To keep them off the streets and make use of their glitch
Is it a disability or a glitch that snatches away their rights
Or that keeps off the sky to reach the city of lights
Where a baby can be born without a risk of a bad eye
By the simple gesture of clap turned bad whereas the birth of the baby should be celebrated with cheer and rye
But I guess that’s just the humor thicked with wryness
But we find many a homosexual whom we kindly and unknowingly address as Your Highness
The abundance of homosexual conquests to give away any hope of the lord to ignorantly receive him
Chopping off their manhood with a sword at every whim
In the bloodiest fashion reminiscent of all that’s wrong in the universe
If we could just find a reverse
It isn’t just the transgendered who feel the curse of their face
What about the acid victims bluntly speaking who won’t make it in the rat race
The media may portray them as heroines
But when the danger is past their past leads to what is simply a couple of street coins
It’s all in a visage
The idea of making money right is just a mirage
It falters with circumstance and birth right
If you were born developed enough for this world success is in your sight
Looks like transgender people have no place to go
The government should know
So why not the army so they can push the agenda of war too
But it seems like they have no country to fight for you
So don’t be afraid of them
They are born at the hem
Of a ship that signals a rough life that doesn’t soothe by a deep REM sleep
So they aren't any less capable because they still deal with deeply rooted social stigmas that would make anyone working through that weep

The first time I witnessed love,

I was young.

I was young and free,

And there she was.

She was there, in all her glory and beauty.

I was sitting on a park bench, she walked by, everything was different.

As she passed I caught a whiff of sweetness.

That was a scent I would never forget.

I longed to go after her, but my legs would not move.

Move, from this park bench, I willed them to, but they did not.

Hours passed, then I rose from the wooden park bench.

The sky had turned a shade of gray and clouds covered the sky.

The air was heavy as I walked, only thinking of her.

The sky broke open and the rain fell onto my upturned face.

I relinquished all my sorrows to the rain and allowed myself to be cleansed.

The rain passed, and as the flowers dried I smelled that sweet scent again.

As I walked, thoughts of the girl filled my mind, beautiful thoughts they were.

Words could not do them justice.

I returned home, wishing that I could come home to her

Tomorrow, I promised myself.

Tomorrow I would return to that park bench and see her again.



Tomorrow came, and I went to the park bench.

She passed by again.

I smelled the sweetness of her perfume again.

I willed my legs to move, and again, they did not obey.

It was all the same.

Tomorrow, I promised myself, again.



The third day came, and I resolved to make a change.

I went to the park bench and saw her pass by.

This time, I rose.

I called out to her, she turned.

Her face was radiant, I could not help but smile.

I took in every feature of her face, the small dimple in her cheek, the freckles across the bridge of her nose, the bend of her lips shaped in a smile.

She spoke a few glorious words to me, and I was lost for words.

Her voice was melodious, I could not respond.

She spoke again, asking me what my name was.

My cheeks must have colored slightly, I do not remember. I choked out my name, coughed, then said it again more audibly.

She smiled and greeted me.

A small pause filled the air, then my mouth moved and words escaped it.

What had I done? Why had my mouth not consulted my mind before speaking? What had I even said?

I had asked her to coffee.

She smiled again, and responded with perfect words, "I would love to,"

My heart leaped, my face lit up.

The weather did not share my enthusiasm.

The sky turned gray, then darker still. The heavens split open with a deafening crack and rain poured down on both of us.

She laughed at the antics the sky was putting on, her laugh sounding like the birds singing at dawn.

I removed my jacket and placed it on her shoulders.

We walked out of the park, through the rain, and into a small coffee shop.

She placed her order, I placed mine, then we moved to sit in a booth.

Then, oh! the horrid moment came;

as she opened her mouth to speak, the loud beeping of my alarm clock resounded throughout the coffeeshop.

I blanched and lunged across the table to cover her mouth.



I hit my alarm clock with a loud grunt, and opened my eyes.

There was no girl, no coffeeshop, no rain-soaked jacket.

Just me, in my bed, alone, with the beeping of an alarm clock.

rainbow:

fractal of light-
fractured thy young life ,
left love forever a widow.  

glint of rainbow wings;
my god ridicules thy feelings,
inclinational - grotesque - happy dealings;
moral, illicit love stings.

go into thy loveless living sleep.
shards of light fractals, daggers in thy heart,
fractures of thy soul, strewn apart.
you shan't keep love from The Deep.

Butterflies swarm in my lungs
Crawling along the walls of my insides
Spiraling air into currents
That chill me to my bone until I'm shivering
Whenever you look at me
With those beautiful ocean eyes
And a smile that could save the world
You send a storm of wings and rainbows
Throughout my body until
I can no longer breathe
But I'd rather suffocate as you take my breath away
Than live another empty day of not feeling