How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.

How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.

How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.

How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.

How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.

How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.

How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?

No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.

How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".

How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.

How could I tell you that your real son is ***?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?

There is beauty in buried love—
tenderly wrenching.
The subtle and soft carry so much more power,
and every touch is a stolen blessing.
No moment is taken for granted;
we are present.
Every look: a confession
to be churned over and over,
while we waltz with desire
never hastily.
We are ravenous for a love so blatantly before us but we don’t dare to indulge.
Mm-bap-bap Mm-bap-bap Mm-bap-bap
So we make beauty with the withstraint and we call it discipline.

I look into your eyes and can see you are for me.
You outstretched your hand and said with a smirk, “Come with me, let’s run to the end of the world”

So our hands met and run we did,
We saw the mountains of Japan,
The colors of India,
Tasted the food of Italy,
Admired the sights in Greece.

We returned back home,
Happy and content,
I looked into your soul and saw you would be my wife.
You outstretched your hand, with a twinkle in your eye and said, “Come with me, let’s run to the end of time.”

So our hands met and run we did,
Together we saw a dash of white,
We heard a baby cry,
Wrinkles grew upon our face,
But neither of us mind,
For together we grew old,
Hand in Hand,
Just where I want to be,
For I looked into your eyes and saw you were meant for me.

Now we spent our days together,
Quiet and retired,
Rocking chairs creaking slowly,
Hummingbirds zooming by.

I looked into your eyes once more and saw a glimpse of our past.
The years we spent together,
How the time has elapsed.
But I knew I made the right choice,
You were the only one for me,
And one final time you outstretched your hand and looked into my soul and said, “Come with me, let’s run to the end, for as long as I’m with you I know I will be happy and content, for you were built for me the way I was built for you.”
So I carefully stood up,
Bones creaking and complaining at the sudden stirring,
And I took your hand in mine,
And there we danced our final dance,
Reminiscent of younger days.

The bells on the necks of the lambs rang out,
calling towards the shepherd as they ran home.

The innocent babies knowing no evil in this world,
Seek love from all they find.

The church bell chimes,
calling home all of the people to the house of worship.

The innocent knowing no evil in this world,
Seeking love from those around them.

Both are lambs being lead to slaughter,
Yet neither notice.

Too naive, too innocent, too unwilling to change their ways.

The protection of God extends to those who worship under his sun.
May his refuge forever be available to those in need.

Love is preached.
Love is not shared.

Discrimination rains from above.
Too feminine to be a man, too manly to be a woman.

How dare you love the ones you wish?
How dare you be born of a different race than I?

For you have forsaken God with your existence,
And for that you will not receive God’s protection or his love.

For being one of God’s Forsaken Children,
The bells refuse to chime.

The church bells chime, calling home the lambs,
And the innocent come to the slaughter,

Knowing no different,
Not caring to change

For their God provides them Mercy and Strength
In the same way we are provided Shame and Guilt.

If I were a boy, you'd like me so.
I wouldn't feel sad about the way you let me go...
If I were a boy, you'd hold my hand in public,
you wouldn't worry about what the rest of the world thinks...
If I were a boy, we'd be together right now..
You wouldn't be with him, and my heart wouldn't make a sound...
If only I were a boy...

To fight for the right to exist

Is to be unalive

To be half of the person you could be

To exist in spite of adversity


To fight for the right to exist

Is something not commonly experienced

Those privileged to exist without adversity

Cannot empathise with the fight


To fight for the right to exist

Is not necessarily activism

Is not necessarily bravery

It is often scrambling from dark corner to corner in search of safety

broken and bleeding