Sometimes I forget what it's like,
to not feel so alone.
To have someone in my life,
I could call my own.

I remember what it was like,
before everything was so complicated.
Where I knew where I stood,
and how I could be satiated.

But I don't know anymore,
my gender is a **** fest.
I could like someone,
but I couldn't give them my best.

So I put distance,
between myself and others.
I can't trust my dad,
to see me as anything but one of the brothers.

I did everything I could,
to get away from my ****.
Who knew the snake would find me,
or that I would get bit.

So now I cry,
on a hard hospital bed.
And wonder if it's not worth,
putting some lead in my head.

Your wrong,
They say, using a few words to sharpen
The knife of cruelty.

You’re wrong,
They say, pressing the blade against
the thin string of life that holds me.  

You are wrong,
They say, using a few sentences in a book
The symbol of rebirth turning into
damnation.

You are so wrong,
They say, pressing their lies and wrapping
The noose around thin scared necks.

You are not wrong
Your heart says, clinging to the ones that give you life.
The one that keeps life in your scared lungs.

You are right,
Your love says, holding you close in the dark night
The shield from the rest of the worlds damnation.  

You’re right,
Your soul says, clinging to love
The light that guides you away from the cliff.

Your right,
Those who love you say, holding warmth in their hearts.
The one that loves you the way you are.

Love is love
and nothing they say can take that away.

i never understood the phrase
home is where the heart is
until i was shaking on the floor of
my hospital room and it was nothing
but walls
and even when i found the energy to
decorate with cliché little things
like fairy lights, posters, my
skeletal “art”
i felt the room swallow me whole
until i was nothing but a grain of sand
my new roommate was a wrinkly zucchini-girl
and i tried not to speak to her
but we heard each other cry in the night
and we never said a word
but i could feel her eyes on me
a girl down the hall
heard me talking about my addiction and
she told me she would pray for me
later that day she pushed me
into a wall and pressed her
lips against mine
then told me i was tempting her,
i was a sin
just waiting to happen
so i sat in the dark outside her room every
night before i went to sleep
and sometimes she would
come out
and hold my hands
and tell me she loved me

The light September breeze,
reminds me of who I used to be,
A girl without so much worry,
A girl who wasn't judged for,
being who she was.

She left home,
And she had never felt so alone.
So she walked,
sometimes she rode with strangers,
Who seemed to really understand when she talked.

I just wanted to go North,
and see the snow.
But I wasn't doing much good,
cause my wits were starting to go,
And I hoped.

She hoped for an end,
Among the strange, beautiful places,
just around the bend.
And she found some,
In trespassing and chases.

Which is why I ended here,
in a dry town.
No whisky or beer.
Wearing a pale blue,
hospital gown.

im soft right now

and part of me wonders

will you love me when im no longer soft

when my muscles shift and my hips get bony

will you tell me to put on a few pounds

put some meat on my bones

when im no longer a soprano or even an alto

will you tell me my voice is too loud and booming

that i should speak softly

when hair blankets my body like moss on a stone

will you tell me my kisses hurt you

that if i dont shave every day its too itchy to bear

will my body be the end of us

i hope not



because under enough blankets my hips wont poke you

and after enough lullabies everything feels quiet

and with enough beard oil anything is soft enough to kiss

You are quick to question but
Occupy cisheteronormativity mindlessly
Unprepared for queer identities

Assuming I lack knowing of myself
Reshuffling the same deck of cards
Engaging in a play of poker with hatred

Subjected to foul treatment
The words you spat
Unsolicited and unflattering
Chasing my mind endlessly
Kidnapping me hostage

I have been coated in sweltering biohazards
Nevermore to find protection and healing

To see another day seems impossible
If my own blood casts me away
Malevolence becoming motherly
Eliminating my mental health
,

Its those who think they are greater
Trailblazing a performative show
Sabotaging an already discriminated space

To go another day with your words
Itching down into my skin
****** becoming friendly
Envisioning how I'd feel left alone


From the moment you open your mouth
Orchestrating emotions like a ballad
Reconsolidating the toxic bond with binary

Can't seem to wake you up
Having to constantly do the work for you
And what am I left with
Naive justification and selfish excuses
Gravitate your energy into doing better
Exploitation is your entertainment

lately the borders of my body have been disintegrating
an autumnal death of barriers
which once protected me
now that trap me

wildflowers that have avoided
seasonal maintenance
beautiful skeletons fill a meadow

shocking,
how a wearing a binder has
given me breath
the compression of my chest
a dam lifted on the stream of
my self

queerness is wind
it sweeps and swirls
contorts and propels me forward
its as changeable as wildfires
in california
the sky flickers between blue
and orange
like a broken deli sign

to be queer is to reside
in the desert
life trapped in a cactus
snakes dance below and their
singing, rattling
cracks the dirt
we are thirsty and alive
searching

the sunset is euphoria
the day melts every night
and when the sun surrenders
the sky blooms with stars and meteors

i surrender
torch the constructions that limit my being
and in the fire
there is silence
and suddenly

the stars beam and emanate blissful
celestial truth
the truth is fluid and fiery and forceful