It's difficult to explain and hard for you to understand, but maybe you'll see. I visually perceive you, I felt a good feeling inside. Like a hope to the mess I go through. You're one of the most infrequent things that can make me endeavor a smile. It takes an abundance amount of energy to even arouse and commence moving. You're my motivation to keep going.
I like you for many reasons
Immensely colossal and minute. They're amazing because they're amazing to me. I like you not because of your qualities. I like you for the things you do that brings something special to my life. I like you that you care for me and push me to do better. I like you just because I do. Because now In the deepest part of my heart, a place where there was nothing before, there is something now...You
i wish i could be
what you want
or what you need.
i could be either,
but at this point
it would only seem
like i’m trying to win
you back, selfishly.
i wish i had told you
who i am.
maybe if i had told you
who i am
things would be different
but it’s too late.
it’s too late for us,
too late for me
to tell you who i am.
so i’ll just scrub my skin
and wash my brain,
and try not rip at my flesh
because i don’t want
to cause you more pain.
i wish things were
i wish things were
i want you to be happy,
i want to be happy too;
i wish i could be happy
i wish i could have
I never thought I’d fall in love
of course, I am always falling in love, but never with you
I was staying emotionally disconnected
and that was intentional
for my heart is too big for my body
it is so full of love and heartbreak
that there is no more room for joy
I didn’t want to fall in love with you
and it was never a worry of mine
but I never expected you to go beyond using me
and I never expected myself to go beyond using you
but look at us now
two souls on the brink of love
filled to the brim with beauty and joy
there’s no looking back now
Red was the glow in his eyes,
The way his tinted lips took my attention
on an early glowing evening.
His sight sparked many shades of red,
And that of orange.
Orange was a layer of a tropical sky,
The sun casting down gently on such a gazeful gent.
As glistening was the pigment of a fine ring,
A mold had shaped his warm summer tan;
His skin a golden yellow.
Yellow was his natural shine,
A daisy in the midst of a patch of posies.
His character shined brighter than the exterior of his sky burnt skin,
And of that of any man I’ve come to know,
His flowery nature lasting among his sun-kissed petals,
Down to his burly stems of green
Green was the field of grass where we grew,
Our souls intertwining in such a lovely concoction.
I’ve never stopped to wonder which way the wind blew,
Or which direction sent the earthy string of nature ablaze,
Each strand flowing in an individual direction.
He held my hand through it all,
Our bodies lain across the patch.
Our hands encased and wrapped together.
Our eyes kept focused at atmosphere’s midnight blue.
Blue was our love.
The color of blood that ran through his veins
in which I knew gave him life,
And gave me mine.
Blue was the color of his jeans which excited me through their texture,
The sole object on him that I’ve come to realize was there the entire time,
From the lavender of a morning sky,
Casted down to the purple of an evening indigo,
Indigo was the night he loved me under the moon,
When the stars shined bright over our faces,
And the touch of his skin shined brighter than the stars themselves,
Among these constellations lying the pavement of a wind sulk violet.
Violet was the essence of his pores,
The essence that lasted longer than the span of life.
His natural aura glowed between us,
The same way a rainbow would shed its own;
A multitude of… colors.
Colors were his eyes.
Colors were our blood.
Colors were our everything,
From the moment he’d wake in bed,
To the last lovely thought he’d have when drifting into a slumbering sleep.
Colors were his height.
Colors were my mind.
Colors were mine.
But just like the Sun won’t last forever,
Until the moon rises above to seize the day and conquer the night,
A rainbow only lasts for as long as you would allow.
A rainbow only lasts for as long as he would allow.
For as long as he’d keep close attention to the surface,
He would only stay colored until his own face would dim into dust.
Suddenly the colors I once knew faded into shades of their own.
Red was the anger in his eyes.
Orange was the smoke,
The trail of his dead skin.
Yellow was the vomit of liquid poison,
The temptations of fermented gold that forever laid upon his tainted breath.
Green was the sickness of a disease,
His once foresty lungs and fiery stems gradually fading into their collapse.
Blue was his dried out veins.
Indigo were the bruises.
Indigo was the color of a midnight sky filled with constant arguing,
Our once amorous souls now unbinding into a useless string.
Violet was the last scent I breathed when he left me.
And soon after,
The departure of that one man,
Was the arrival of terror.
At the slam of the door,
And the silence of the night,
The colors soon faded as fast as he disappeared.
Suddenly, the cast of darker shades,
Darker thoughts came along,
My feet drowning in the black that was once a puddle,
Now an ocean of thick dark water that spurt its heavy flavor into the throat of my own mouth.
The storm took me over faster than what I could remember;
What was once left a color now drowned in the black of evil emotions.
Memories broke down in the lightening of my mind,
The hope diminishing faster than I could see.
The black took control of who I used to be,
The darkness growing from what he took.
What was once love died into loss,
My heart no longer pumping the same red from before.
No longer glowing from the sky’s orange from before.
No longer warm like the yellow sky from before.
No longer growing in the green from before.
No longer controlled by the blue from before.
No longer resting on indigo night’s from before.
No longer essence of violets from before.
Before, my colors ranged from lights and darks,
Everything is black.
But just like the Sun won’t last forever,
Until the mood rises above to seize the day and conquer the night,
A storm only lasts for as long as you would allow.
A storm only lasts for as long as I would allow.
Gazing into the pitch black of the sea,
I know of what comes next.
As soon as the last blue tidal wave crashes,
As the glimpse of reds and oranges flow back from the abyss of indigoes and violets,
As the green glistens godly at the sight of the golden, yellow sun,
I come to realize:
The longer a storm crashes down on what you once felt,
The colors of a rainbow arrive faster.
I wait for what brightens again.
He may have drained what was left of the Earth,
But he can’t stop it from replenishing.
Neither… can I.
It's kind of confusing, this skin I'm in.
Wanna break myself out, get free of this sin.
I'm living a lie, can't I just be my self.
I can't even wear clothes, without wishing I was someone else.
Listen, I want short hair, I want to be thin, I wanna be the pretty girl, I just need to be begin again.
Go back in time and erase the past, erase the version of myself i hate, at last.
I'll be free, away from the scorn. Finally I'll be me and feel as if I were just born.
Will I ever be happy, with the way I'm perceived?
Will I ever be happy with this look I've achieved?
You say that I'm perfect just the way I am, but make sure to sit up tall, keep your hair down, and wear a dress.
So you say I'm perfect, but only to your desire,
You say I'm perfect, but you sound just like a liar.
Am I lying to myself with this fantasy of mine,
maybe one day I'll wake up, and finally be me this time.
trembling, holding tea,
pouring, mumbling, hoping,
praying there's no judging,
biting on her bottom lip,
thinking of folding,
forgetting all about it,
firms her grip, and let's slip
secrets, like her time at Yale,
how she wanted to teach,
a name, a face out of reach,
her change, a shift of color,
her register lift from bass
to tenor (with a crass laugh),
and as the night wore on,
the light, it got brighter,
tore the fabric asunder,
in contrast to nature,
like everything else,
it fit like a glove,
as did her love:
I am not just your gay friend.
But it seems like you have branded me as such.
You have set your words on fire
And burned it onto my skull
I am the accessory to your straight life.
The thing you wear around your wrist
To make you seem like a more accepting human being
I am not Victoria.
I am your lesbian friend, Victoria.
Like that is my only quality that you liked
So you decided I was a slightly worth your time.
For the longest amount of time, I only saw myself as your lesbian friend, Victoria.
I shapeshifted into the stereotypes you had set for me
Morphed into your expectations of what a gay friend should be
I am done morphing.
I am done being nothing more than gay
I have more qualities about me that make me a good friend
I am more and I wish you would try to see the rest
When you planted your seeds into my mind
It became overcrowded with leaves that blocked away my self-esteem
I had to invite weedwhackers into my brain
To help me see myself again.
I wish you would see me as more too.
I wish I could take your seeds and mutate them into a blossoming flower
Instead of damaging weeds
I am crossbreeding your seeds with others
Trying to create the perfect mixture to help create a flower
I need something beautiful in my mind again.
Something to remind me that I am more than just your gay friend.
I am not just anything
I am a complex human being who has been through far too much
To only be one thing
Stop belittling me.