With trembling lips she kissed and sealed a letter she wasn't quite sure when she would send.
Tear stained paper and a bit of blood she found her life splattered across a piece of college ruled paper.
There were a few lines explaining her actions and a few lines of apologies.
A few lines about her family and a few lines about her regrets... But most of it was about you.
It was about the way you always told her how she reminded you of sunshine on a rainy day.
How she was pretty in the simplest ways even on those bad days.
How you would never let her go crazy no matter where her mind took her.
You said you wouldn't let her lose her mind till the day you died.
Tears flowed down her face
And she just wasn't quite sure how she got here...
Because you promised her that you wouldn't let her go crazy and here she sits planning the last couple days of her life wondering who she'll send the letter to...

One step at a time I watched you shake with ecstasy-- lips quivering at every touch.

One breath at a time I watched you inhale with hope and exhale with passion and comfort.

One word at a time I listened to you begging, wanting, nothing but one more ******-- leaving me breathless.

I took advantage of your feelings for me. I took advantage of your love for my simple lust.

But I sit here now, watching you get dressed, watching your body move slow and easy, and I can't help but wonder... Maybe this isn't just lust.

One day I'll wake up with happiness in my stomach instead of worrying what the day will bring me.
One day I'll wake up not paranoid and terrified that you'll try to ruin my life again... Or that I'll let you do it.

One day I'll find the strength to tell a cute boy I think he's cute and not worry if he will tell me how disgusting I am.
One day I'll be able to look into a mirror without crying myself to sleep or thinking of every part of my body j want to cut off.

One day... I won't write such terribly sad poetry.

Once I stayed up watching the darkness hearing water all around me.  Once I watched the stars fade to darkness hearing the silence fall around me.

Once I loved someone with all my heart I let my walls fall around me. Once he let me go & it hurt so bad I built walls around me.

Once I told my best friend she was weak and I let our friendship fall apart around me. Once I decided to tell my parents they didn't care & I let their love fall around me.

Once I stopped caring, that day came sooner than I thought, and I let me tear crash and burn around me...

Party time-

Can you tell me where the alcohol is? The cheap watered down ***** you're drinking to pretend you're drunk? The cigarettes you smoke to pretend you're cool?

Party time...

Can you tell me who the girl is in your bed? The girl with the red hair down to her perfect ***? The one you slept with the forget about me?

Party time!

Can you tell me where the ******* is? That fine white powder? The one who keeps you Awake at all hours and makes you feel invincible?

Party. Time.

Can you tell me how it got this bad? How you ended up in the hospital at 3 a.m ? How you mixed the wrong chemicals at the wrong time?

There was never a better day for a party at the wrong *time

It was always that Peppermint White Mocha.
It's so funny that a simple drink... one that I choose every single time.
A drink my friends and I have turned into a small inside joke.
A drink that tastes like Christmas ( which you know I hated) and Joy ( but i was always too pessimistic right?).

A drink that no matter the weather I still choose that one single drink.
Don't get me wrong, I've tested other flavors.
I've tried it iced.
I've tried it blended.
I've tried it at a local coffee shop in every city I go too.
But nothing compares to the original.

Funny how this started with you.
Are we even talking about the drink anymore?

I can handle the impossible- the scary, the dark, and the loneliness that makes you feel consumed in every room.
I can handle the feeling of never being good enough, the never understanding everything, and the anxiety.

I cannot handle the unknown- the do you still love me? the do you still think about me? the questions that never have answers no matter how much you want them.

I've been swimming up the current and swallowing all the water that threatens to drown me.
I have been running uphill screaming at the top of my lungs, gasping for that breath that will calm my heart down a little bit.
I have been trying so ******* hard and you are still hiding in the corners of my brain that shouldn't have corners.

I can handle the impossible and the anxiety... but I need to know if you love me still.

Fire hair flying all around in the cool San Francisco breeze-
Soft skin hidden under layers but still showing your curves so delicately-
Glimmering white teeth and glacier blue eyes; both smiling as though they had a secret-

"Do you remember San Francisco?" He said as she grabbed her coat and headed towards the door.

Sleepy eyes hidden behind black and white covers-
Your arm covering your eyes but you're smiling with nothing but joy and laughter-
Coal Black hair and a 5- o'Clock  shadow covering your chin; I can almost feel the roughness against my face-
Our small, New York apartment, messy as always in the background-

"When did you stop dreaming in technicolor? When did you only focus on the black's and whites of life? She asked when he sat down in front of her- no smile, no joy.

Porcelain skin- it was literally as fragile as a glass doll and when you smiled I was petrified you would shatter in my hands-
Long, dark black hair that you always wore a little too messy for your own good- it flowed around your shoulders-
Glancing to the right with secrets hidden in your eyes, you were always avoiding the camera-
Strawberry red lips and leafy green eyes - you're my favorite fruit-
Forbidden by society  but so tasteful in our secret garden-

"When did you stop smiling? I can't remember the last time you looked this sad" I said as she grabbed her coffee and walked back into the bedroom.. alone.

The Sea was your favorite place to be- you were sitting with your legs submerged and your blonde hair falling along the curve of your shoulders-
When the waves came rolling in I remember you jumping up and laughing a laugh that would have made the gods envious-
You wore big, black sunglasses and a dark red bathing suit that covered the most sensual parts according to society-

But I loved the curve of your back and the way you shivered when I ran my fingers up towards your spine-
I loved your clavicle and how you smiled when my lips kissed them softly --
I loved your long, smooth legs, and how you wrapped them around my waist-

"What happened to us last summer?" he said to himself when he saw her at the beach with another man.

You were early morning fog that keeps rolling in on grassy hilltops.
Green covered in red and yellow and brown; a place where the living meets the dying.
Cool, minty breath, and the image of you rolling down that hill with a pumpkin in hand will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Orange hair, dark freckles on your face, pretty black tights and a bright yellow jacket that was almost too obnoxious for the beginning of September.

"When did the Autumn become the saddest season?" I asked her as she sipped her coffee as black mascara fell down her pink freckled cheeks.

It was in that one second between her falling down and getting up that she made the decision to never let herself get that low again.

Bruises vivid in her pale skin.
Blood actively pouring from her nose every other day.
Anxiety and fear running through her veins around every turn.

Fairytales never show you what happens after the honeymoon phase.
They don't show you what happens when the prince lets go of his cool composure and just wants to beat the **** out of you.

He didn't need alcohol.
He didn't need drugs.
He liked the adrenaline he likes the feeling of prey and predator.

In between that one second of falling down and getting back up she made the best decision of her life.

To switch the roles of predator & prey.

When the world was green and bright we kidnapped our love in glass bottles and named them fireflies.

When the world was happy we followed the moon and the stars; always knowing they would guide us home.

When the stars seemed less shiny and the fireflies somehow got away...I still loved you.

The memories we shared.
The flowers in my hair.
The smile on your face.
The way my heart raced.

When the world was full of compassion and life, we planted our dreams in trees.

When the world showed us the ocean and her mystery, we buried our smiles in the sand.

And when the world started to fall Apart from pollution and creation... I still loved you.

The life in your eyes.
The endless surprise.
The kisses we fought for.
The way our love soared.

So even when the world ends and we aren't sure if we have a next life to begin.... I'll still love you.

I won't miss your neon signs saying cocktails
I won't miss your judgmental dive bars and ****** hipster conversation.
I'll miss the soul in your music.
The best of the drum and strum of guitar the last night I saw this town for the **** hole it was.

I won't miss your trendy beer and lines of ******* across the toilet.
I won't miss the way girls wore shorts in the snow or boots in the summer.
I'll miss the soul in your heartbeat.
The way this town never sleeps and the way we stayed up wandering past midnight wondering about life.

I won't miss those people who pretend to know me.
I won't miss the way you pretended to love me.
I'll miss the soul in your music.
I'll miss the sweet innocence and the lost wonder as I speed as far away as I can from the place I once called home.

It could be my lack of faith or the fact that this rose quartz has yet to bring me the love it should. It could also be my lack of self acceptance but I will never admit that.

I hope you when you're driving down the interstate, closing in on the exit you seek, you remember I'm not that far away.

And I hope one day you'll wake up and know that I would rather be anywhere with you than in this summer heat dying for the rain.

It could be my lack of faith or the fact that this emerald didn't bring me **** for luck. It could also be my lack of self esteem that brings me to his bed dreaming of you.

One day I'll wake up and wish the best for you and your new life... And one day I'll wake up in my room sober instead of drunk and lustful night after night.

And I hope one day you'll wake up and remember that I'm not that far away... And you'll wake up and know that if clean my **** up if you would just stay.

I wanted to be there when your mind stopped wandering and you remembers who your real friends were.
I wanted to trust that you would come back to me because this is how things worked.
But love and family and friends only go so far these days.
Betrayal and lack of honesty is what will come out to play.
I wanted to see you remember that there was a time you were happy but I was wrong.,
Because even though he broke your heart you ran back every time.
And like a worn our recording of your favorite song... The record skipped a few beats so I could sing on.
You were my best friend and now your just dust in the wind.
I hope a boy was worth the end of a friendship.

I can't blame you for losing yourself and hiding in the closet with those skeletons you keep.
It's summer out here in Texas and the weather is frying my spirit and the confidence I had is pouring down my face with shame.
I can't blame you for spilling your guts to me when you needed it most; I'm sorry I couldn't do the same.

It's snowing back home in September and I am over here hiding my face from the world wishing I could wear a mask permanently sometimes.
I can't blame you for running away- I ran the same direction but stopped a little too soon I think...
Hard times will make you wonder how you survived when you're on the edge of the cliff and can see rock bottom just below.

I can't blame you for hating me, but you can't blame me for wishing you didn't.
I can't blame you for having nothing to say because  you were the water to my garden but I'm drowning.
I cannot bloom, my petals are falling off day by day and this Texas heat has me lethargic and depressed.

Soon I'll be heading home, back to the desert where my soul remains.
I know the the things you'll say.
I can hear them in the back of my head, but the times have changed.
I can't blame you for running away... but I am running back home now.

When all is said and done I guess this was my fault. I teased and I flirted.

There are emotions and feelings and yet when you're around they cease to exist. You lose the words you know how to say; it could be nerves.
I lose my interest; it could be selfishness.,

When this is over I know I'll never be forgiven. I am sorry for the teasing and the flirting.

I know there is something to connect us, I can feel it when you're around. But then things get awkward and I can't handle awkward right now.
I can't handle relationships.
I can't handle myself.

When you go home and I stay here, you'll never be the same and I'll always be afraid of committing to the unknown.

When all is said and done you'll be nothing more than a shorting star-
Your memory will be faint with the recognition that I once knew you-
Your light will have faded and you'll be one with the darkness that fills you-
When all is said and done you may be able to call me names and fill my soul with sadness but you'll never break my spirit-
I am one with the distant sunsets and the way the clouds look different in another state-
I am one with the way your eyes open wide with fear of love as you say my name-
You are the downfall to my kingdom to come and you were my cottage past-
You are the negative energy keeping me halted along the path to happiness-
But when all is said and done you'll be nothing more than a shooting star-

I remember looking across the Golden Gate Bridge thinking... This was it! We could never be who we used to be.

Wind in our hair as we drove fast on the interstate... Just you laughing at me and me smiling at you.

What joy to be young and dumb and in love with each other and life.

It was a cool California night, we drank wine under the moonlight and roamed the city with brown paper bags in our hands.

You arms around my shoulders your lips against my cheek... I couldn't help but think this was it! We could never be who we used to be.

There's something about the city at night with its lights and the thought that danger could be around any corner.

But this was exactly where we ought to be... Just you laughing at me and me smiling at you.

I thought about the weather a lot today and how my moods keep changing with the seasons.

Summer came quickly, too hot to handle. Lit me up to make me sweat and watch me fall exhausted alone and sad.

Autumn came without a warning with a chilly breeze and bright colors warning me of the coming storm I knew I couldn't stop.

Winter was faster though, ice cold, chilled me to the bone. Made me stronger though! Walked through blizzards to make it home.

Spring... Well there was never a real spring. We didn't have pastels and romance. We didn't have soft winds and warm nights... We skipped spring this year and went straight back to summer to die.

She sat in her kitchen in her underwear, eating left over Chinese food contemplating when life got this hard.

She couldn't remember the feeling of skin against skin or lips against lips. She couldn't remember the heat of someone else's body touching hers or if there was more than just involved.

She sat there with a blank piece of paper and a purple pen in hand... Contemplating if she should write a poem or her final goodbye note.

She couldn't remember a time where she didn't feel undesirable or ugly. She couldn't remember a moment where self hatred wasn't causing nonstop fear of being alone forever.

As she sat there in her kitchen, eating leftover Chinese food, staring at blank papers she started to cry. She started to wonder when things would eventually look up.

I fell in love with you on a blurry cold September day; blurry from tears that ran down my face the last three hours.
We say in my room watching romantic comedies drinking coffee and talking about the moon and the rain outside.
You asked me why I was crying but how could I tell you it was over someone from a long time ago?
How could I tell you that as I got over him I was slowly falling for you?
You asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure; of course I wanted To go on an adventure.
And instead of moving you turned off the tv, turned on the radio and we listened to every pop punk band we knew and talked of the places we would go.
I fell in love with you in September but by October you would have moved on because I wasn't ready yet.
I couldn't quite move on from him and you couldn't quite let that go and I couldn't blame you.
It was a cold day... A cold September day.

With shaking hands and burning eyes I pour the last of the dark red wine into my glass.
I sit crossed legged on the floor in the middle of my empty living room contemplating what comes next.

I can get up and make dinner and maybe watch a movie like a normal person would.
Or I could continue to sit here facing the little bit of light coming through the window before the sun goes down.

I can't figure out why anyone would ever want someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one actually does.
I can't figure out how anyone could tolerate someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one does.

My hands shake with each sip I take and I'm pretty sure this is what they call a panic attack. My breathing begins to speed as my eyes water and I'm feeling nothing but numb and pain which doesn't make any sense.

They keep telling me I'll be okay.
They keep telling me I won't be alone forever.
But I'm terrified of being alone these days which is something new.
I'm terrified nothing will ever work out.

So until I get over my fears I'll be on my living room floor with empty bottles of wine alone.

She tasted like cigarettes and whiskey... she wore red lipstick and a tight black dress.
I didn't feel a thing for her except envy when we first met.
She told me with a smile I couldn't handle my liquor and I laughed in her face and swallowed that Whiskey straight down.
She grabbed my hand and we were gone.

The next night she tasted like Vanilla and Chai.. she wore black ripped jeans and purple lipstick.
I didn't feel a thing for her except humor.
I told her with a smile she couldn't handle her liquor and she laughed and swallowed that Scotch straight down.
I grabbed her hand and ran .

One more night and she tasted like bubble gum and spice... she wore a black sundress and combat boots.
I felt like maybe I was falling in love with this girl.
She told me with a smile that we should get some drinks since we both can't handle out liquor.
I laughed and grabbed her hand and we walked off to the bar.

I found the prettiest of roads covered in red tulips and white daisies.  
With large willow trees that hid behind the fog in the morning.
I found the deepest part of the ocean and swam to the bottom of the sea...
Where I found purple reefs that covered everything around me.
And on my journey I came across an old elderly couple living a top of a golden hill.
In a stone house with flowers surrounding a wishing well.
They told me stories of distant lands and kingdoms past.
Of riches and jewels that glittered in the sun and how material items could never last.
They asked me about my life and I told them about you and your green eyes.
And your perfect smile and sandy blonde hair; I even told them about the lies.
And they smiled gently and kissed me cheek and sent me on my way.
Because they knew that even on this beautiful journey I would run back to you one day...
Because love is greater than all things big and small.
Loving you is my only real downfall.

Such a sticky situation you and I so caught up in this beautiful web of lies.
We always act so innocent when they come around but the truth is I just want to kiss him and I know you want to touch her.
I smoked the last cigarette in the pack we shared; drugs and alcohol were the two things we had most in common.
I dressed in my best dress and danced along to your favorite song while you held my hips staring at her ****.
He caught my eye on that cold December night & the truth of it is I wanted to lick his lips to see if he tastes anything like you.
We got caught up in this mess... destroying ourselves while destroying each other.  
I catch you grin as you watch me sweat cause we know tonight we will be the ones who connect.
And even in this stick situation you hold a piece of my damaged heart and I hold a piece of yours we can't quite let go of yet.

Chasing you was like trying to chase a tornado... I was headed towards total destruction and unspeakable beauty..

My only problem was that I wasn't going to make it through the destruction to see that beauty you hid within.

Chasing you was like chasing a hurricane...I was headed towards terror and unimaginable wonder.

My only problem was... I wasn't going to be able to live through the terror long enough to wonder if I would swim or drown.

I don't want to be strangers again.
I don't want us to have to pretend we never met.
I don't want us to act like it's our first time knowing the deepest parts of ourselves as though we never knew them before.

I don't want to pass you by in the streets with a gradual nod hello.
No hugs, no smiles, just two strangers walking in opposite directions.

Love makes you weak.
Love makes you vulnerable.

I just couldn't take it and I knew that when I walked down the street passed all the places we have been together.
I knew when I wanted to see your face in every boy I ever kissed.

When I made love and pictured your hands around my body.
When I laughed with another man and thought wouldn't you think this was funny.

So when you stopped writing me back and you are thousands of miles away.
When years were still passing us by and I couldn't get through to you because of distance.

That's when I knew we had already become strangers... and I think that's what made me feel worse than ever before.