Chan S Jun 22

You have your list written for today of all that you need to do
But your body won't seem to let you do what it needs to move.
You've said it to yourself everyday this week, including the day before
I'm sure I'm gonna do it tomorrow, I promised myself, I'm sure
Then you open your eyes this morning to see that your cycle's come 'round again.
Once again your body has been stifled and sinking in the quicksand.

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Riz May 18

our society revolves around a
dogmatic
chauvinistic cult
where men
are not manly if they don’t show preference
for ass and tits attached
to a brainless body

society has
no care for
you
you are inbetween the cracks

you distinguish who you are
in your body
and mind
yet this permanent mask
is pasted onto your face
as you live in fear of violence
of exploitation
and of the darkest shades of humanity

you are a monster
you are a sickness
and undeserving of love

the pigs in society
squeal it into your ear

they wish you weren’t human
as you are unfit for their constraints of love
and you express it in ways that panic them
they are pathetically
scared of you

you are corrupt
you are a disease
and full of hedonistic mistakes

you
are
unethically
different

and change is scary
as with change, their reign
will drop
slowly
from them

do not believe they wish to help you
their crocodile smiles
are shit shitting
all over you
...that's if shit could shit

they are wolves dressed as lambs
with an exasperating desire
to detroy you

how dare you threaten the old ways
how dare you threaten
the old ignorance

is it a dark truth
that you will fight your
enitre life
to get your respect?

well fuck them
you are a fighter
you always have been

pin your ears closed
to their
bone violating words

be a moon who
cannot be broken
and can control the tides

be a sun
who is bright
and can radiate our lives

you may fight your whole life
and fight for what is your respect

but you will win

you will

win

A response to 'the shocking comments homophobic people have made about those who have died in the Orlando attacks and also those two bastards on sky news that Owen Jones walked out on.'
Raegan Meyer May 8

you told me of
your pain and i told
you all about mine.
we held each
other's hearts and
boldly proclaimed
to love one another.
you loved me
through my flaws
and i loved you
through yours.
but when it came
down to it; you left.
and my heart was split
into a million pieces.
i may never understand why you shattered me
like a glass bottle in an empty alley, or how you got
that power to begin with, but i will not let it ruin me.
i'm going to have to live my life and try to trust again.
i won't let this keep me from finding another soul
that will be able to walk to the same rhythm as mine.
i can pick my pieces up and put them together again.
i have spent my whole life falling and getting back up,
so that's what i will have to do again. i can live through
the side glances and small smiles and avoiding eye contact.
i can live through the 'how are you?'s that end with answers
neither of us believe. i can live with the anxiety attacks that
i get before i see you places. i can live without you.
so i am left
with only one question.
and i know this question
has been asked to you before
because you told me
of the other people you broke.
and i know how it haunts you,
but i deserve an answer.
if you loved me...
why did you leave me?

there's a lot of pain put into this. maybe some day i can look back and read it again and know the answers.

The heart if this city still has one beats to the sound of mutterings down here on the underground.

Nothing can be taken away
not now
not yesterday and
tomorrow will come
come what may.

For the living life goes on
in an orderly fashion
that's what we do,

chaos has no place here  
we do not fear
fanatics.

There's always an element
of discontent
from a small contingent
and that's what this is

taken to extremes.

These are not nightmares
or daydreams
though sometimes it
seems
that they are,
this is the moment
taken too far

Advice

Keep your chin up and
at the same time
tuck your head in

lulu Jan 12

I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
Why?
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t kill me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.

I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.

I don’t want that to be real.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m scared.

So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.

i might be crazy
Emma Dec 2016

People call me
Positive
A smile on my face
With just enough grace
To pull off a lie

You see
I’ve never been
Happy
For more than a couple weeks
Since my debut at preschool
I was never meant to live
Free

First came physical abuse
But not the kind you get from someone
Older
Rather someone your age
Some who’s only four
Someone who has no idea
No idea
That they’re the trigger to the bomb

But too late
For it’s already set off
The alarms blaring in my ears
But to everyone else they’re
Nothing
Silence
The laughter of children
Because I was never important enough to be seen

I was pulled off playground equipment by my hair
Slapped for wanting to use the same toy as the other kid
The mulch was my best friend
For it was the only thing cushioning the blow
Showing any kind of mercy
To the little girl who just smiled it off

Smiling
That’s all I ever did
I never wanted to cause a problem
I never wanted to become a burden
I never wanted to be
Alone
But it was too late for that

By elementary school, I was the target
Even with a new playground
The mulch remained my only friend
Friends
I wish I had some of those back then

Second came the emotional abuse
Tearing me down by
Taking my things
Ripping my projects
Taking my books out of my hands
And accidentally spilling your school milk all over it
And they say people never cry over spilled milk

Talking behind my back was nothing new
Even for the teachers
My supposed guardians
They could be the worst of them all
Not even sparing me a glance to see the pain
The agony
Behind my eyes, my smile
For I still wore my smile

People can be cruel
My entire grade against me
Convincing the nurse that I was unhygienic
Convincing the principle I was a “bad kid”
Convincing myself that I wasn’t
Worth it

It
Is that life?
My dreams?
My hobbies?
My smile?

They were all after my smile
After every physical attack
They tried to wipe the grin off my face
But I stood strong
My biggest mistake

Third came the mental abuse
When I started to realize
That something was going terribly
Wrong

My mind saw people as a threat
A weapon
Their words, bullets
Shot left and right
One after the other

I researched
I tried to find out
Why I kept smiling
Why I kept thinking
That it would get better

The letters hit me like a freight train
P-T-S-D
I know it was associated from people in war
Those in other countries fighting for our people

My war was more invisible
On home turf
With nowhere for me to run
I was stuck
Grounded
Lost

My war was hell
My war is hell
My mental illness is no joke
Anxiety and panic attacks following close
Afraid to let go
Afraid that I would leave them behind

My PTSD is no joke
The night terrors keeping me up
I’m afraid to fall asleep
Going to school with bags under my eyes is a prettier site
Than me screaming in the night

I couldn’t make friends my freshman year of college
I couldn’t look anyone in the eye
When people asked if I wanted to sit with them for a meal
I smiled
Said no thanks
And braced for a punch

For my body was always braced
My body was always ready for abuse
My brain was numb
Numb to people
Numb to their actions
Numb to my internal screams
Numb

It’s funny
How a couple people during recess in preschool
Turned me into this

A girl
With PTSD
Anxiety
Panic Attacks
A phobia of meeting people
Because that’s coupled with abuse
And that doesn’t always mean getting punched

It all started with a couple people
And it ended with a life-long mental disorder


Their hateful words define me every time someone new talks to me
Their terrifying glances define me when I catch a stranger’s gaze
Their punches define me
Their attacks define me
The backstabbing
The laughter
The whispers
It all defines me

So why smile?

Because
That person that helped pick up my books in the hallway defines me
That person that picked my face up from the mulch defines me
That person that told them all to “cut it out” defines me
That person that smiled at me defines me
That person that said “hi” to me defines me

While the bad took its toll
The good took its place
As the staircase
As the sunshine
As the only hope I had left to hang on to
For these positive actions
Overshadowed the bad ones
Even if they happened less often

It taught me that my smile
Could mean someone’s entire world
Could mean life and death
Could save me

Sorry this is kind of long. Hope you like it.
May turn into some type of spoken word later.

I sit here trying to be quiet.
I sit here trying not to yell at someone.
I sit here holding back tears and fears.
I sit here with rushing thoughts of death.
I sit here biting my tongue.
I sit here and listen to their words go in one ear and out the other.
I sit here trying to keep calm.
I sit here with dreadful feelings.
I sit here alone.
I sit here in class and no one sees how bad it is.
I sit here and no one cares about the ones with darkness in their heart.

scarlet-and-gold Oct 2016

TW

The world stands still
And a silent scream
Bounces off
The synthetic walls
As people transform
To hollow statues
Void of consciousness
A million miles
Away from here

The scream gets louder
And fills my empty chest
Tightly squeezing
Every inch of peace
Out of my pulsating veins

I dangle
On the edge of a cliff
And with every pulsating heartbeat
I loosen my grip

As words slip from my mind
The hands on the clock
Spiral down to hell
Taking my sanity with it
And I just
Feel
Everything

Till I'm numb
It fades away
I cry
And shake
I am saved

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