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Rowan Oct 24
He won't say he knows
what it's like to  
shudder in horror at
himself.

He won't say he understands
the frozen fear and inability to
control his own mind,
the unbidden beliefs that don't go away.

He won't say that voice
in his head, isn't very little
and he can't help but argue
against himself, who isn't really him.

He won't say that it's not
alright when the evening is dying in
splendid shades of soft autumn
and he's unable to see it.

He won't say he gets what it's
like to be frozen in the corner of the room
huddled in ball of silently screaming limbs,
eyes closed because it takes too much strength to open them.

He won't tell his friends when the
noise is yelling and freaking out
over a grade that has become his world
and it's stressful enough without them saying it doesn't matter.

He won't say
wouldn't it be nice...
to be happy?
Yeah, that would be.

He won't tell his friends
in blazing daylight that seems to single him out
that he wishes it would stop.
Please, make it stop.

He won't tell them
anything at all.
girl gonzo Oct 15
under the algae
beneath the sedimentary substance of a sentimental
there resides the need to put everything into categories
organizing it by numbers on the top corner of crisp sun yellow manila folders with the messy scrawl of someone punctual but seldom in time for things

in the absence of sunlight i took to you like a lamp
the one with a warm glow and dust collecting on the folds of your body of ceramic
the more i got close the more i could feel myself burning from the inside like a watermelon containing meat fruit or the inside of a pumpkin spilling out onto your counter with audaciousness
sticking your finger in the warm gooey center only to dispose of the carcass without indulging

sometimes the left side of my chest hurts and i immediately think of heart attacks and a blue face

sometimes it's flood season and i see the bottom of bridges puffy with overflowing water and i immediately think of five years ago when i thought that if i laid down i could sleep forever and never wake up
my body slowly un-recognizing how to be the human condition

but then my lungs still move in my rib cage rhythmically
my chest expanding and contracting
the repetition of comfort inside my abdomen
and i know it's not heart disease but the fluttering of panic slowly dancing on the bottom of my collarbones

but then i get up from my bed and fix my hair into a braid
my hands remembering a pattern i don't have to think about
fingers nimbly trembling beneath handfuls of hair
and i know that despite everything

i would continue through and through
i would continue
a poem about a fuzzy head and moody weather
The devil likes to dance on my back
The humiliation
Shame
Guilt
Health
Inheritance
He just loves to ****. Steal and distroy
He loves to attack
Three times in one day.
Things couldn't get any worse
Even if they tried
I tried to muster the strength to read ***'s word.
Psalm 68.
23
ISAIAH 43.
61.
Just have to plod on
Jesus has paid the price.
Satan flee.!!.
Leave me alone!!!!
Jamilla Jun 30
I can't talk to anyone
I can't call you and ask how you are
I can't be friends with anyone
I can't raise my hand
Without the fear of being wrong
I can't hangout with new people

I can't live my life
That I wanted it to be
It's like being in a big ocean
I can get up but I feel numb
It's like wanting to do my best
It's like your drowning but you aren't
It's not a way to live
It's a way to die
Jamilla Jun 23
Can't run from it
Stuck in the middle
The worst is I'm trapped
In my own mind

The end is near
I can't keep trying
Stop asking if I'm okay
Cause I know I'll answer the same

My fake smile is getting heavy
My eyes can't hold it back
My mind lose it
Done living in the dark

Going through the motion
I guess its time to quit
Most people fear death
But some pray for it.
Eddyn Jun 5
this cold morning
I woke up this morning in a panic,
still half asleep I felt your presence and reached for your hand to then realise I was still dreaming,
when my hand touched nothing but the empty cold space on my bed,
my heart tore into a million pieces, there is no warmth left in me,
nothing but emptiness and coldness from the shallow pit of this body
that will never feel a flame again
being without you is killing me

will i ever love again?
Kayla Jun 5
This ***** in my chest hammers
Sledging away at my ribcage
I can feel the shallow breaths enter my body but they somehow fail to reach my starving lungs
My punctured windpipe only delivering a whisper of oxygen
I can hear everything yet as the sound waves reach my ears it just turns into an incessant buzz
My eyes go out of focus and the world around me becomes a blur
I'm completely removed from my senses and everything that held me to reality is suddenly gone
Frantically I grasp for anything to keep me grounded but as my breath quickens and my heart thuds
The fear erupts and every coping mechanism I've memorized is lost in a sea of suffocating thoughts
Gasping for air as my adrenaline spikes and all fight in me collapses
Flight is the only option now but there is nowhere to go
All the walls are constricting tighter and tighter incasing me within
and I can't stop this panic that is just starting to begin
she walked and wailed for miles, she screamed for help, but no one seems to be around.

what did she do wrong, she is always nice, always wanted to make them happy but it seems like nothing's being reciprocated.

the clouds above her head circles around,and the crows gawk at her.

what is wrong, no, what did she do wrong.
This was the time where all **** broke loose and I was slowly hitting rock bottom. Sweet 16? More like **** 16. There were the days where I accepted that not everyone you meet are genuine human beings and sometimes you just have to live with it. However, with that being said, it hurts and breaks you in everyway possible when your bestfriends starts to turn their back against you and life is ******. High school is **** I tell you - not everyday, but days like this when I find out stuff that weren't meant to be. If heartbreak is sad, imagine losing your bestfriend of lies. That **** broke me. For real. And then they question why do I don't trust people easily. Hmm, cute.
after every massacre
by some fanaticized pathological idiot
politicians call upon their citizens
to come together
and pray for the murdered and their families

this is absolutely appropriate
also absolutely inefficient

but it seems
that ever since 9/11
the nation only comes together
AFTER more of its members have been killed

I wish very much
that the nation
   AND politicians
would come together
BEFORE  the next massacre
and take appropriate action
to prevent such disasters
in the first place
https://edition.cnn.com/2018/03/02/us/school-shootings-2018-list-trnd/index.html
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