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513 · Dec 2017
Addiction: Compulsive Lying
solfang Dec 2017
I'm addicted to my favourite
non-existent recreational drug,
cueing in; compulsive lying.

The additional side effects
to my mind, soul and heart,
ain't as bad as I thought.

When I'm being questioned
about my troubling mental health,
I lied straight through my teeth,
that nothing could **** me,
yet I wanted to **** myself
the exact same hour.

I once lied to a friend that,
I will stay by her side
but in actuality,
I didn't even want to
stay in this world

But the biggest lie
that ever happened
is by telling myself
that I will soon be alright,
and lying is my only
coping mechanism

I think.

You know what I love
about this addiction,
is that it's a distraction
from the real harm,
which is self-actualisation,
of my ailing self.
sometimes things aren't the way I want it. And lying makes me believe that there's still hope in this world
solfang Feb 2018
there are no longer
monsters under my bed.

the last time I saw it,
was the last time
I held my milk bottle tightly
in my grips;
but it still left me.

the monsters under my bed
packed and went away,
when I turned twelve
and turned off my nightlight.

the monsters,
       said goodbye to me,
as I stared at the ceiling
the night after my
first heartbreak

I miss the monsters
the ones hiding under my bed;
every night,
as I turned off my lights,
I almost forgot about them

the part of my innocence.
the purity that went away.
One night, I closed my eyes.

My heart tore for I recall the days where I fear that I would not be able to imagine monsters under my bed anymore.
511 · May 2019
glad you got away
solfang May 2019
hey mutual,
how are you doing today?
glad you got away
from the abuse he gave,
and the mean words he said.

mutual,
I remember you,
defending the bruises
and the scars he left,
they were all blue.

mutual,
you were in love
with the idea of being loved,
you weren't in love,
with the idea of getting hurt.

mutual,
we're no longer mutuals,
you're no longer mutuals
with him too,
and that's okay.

I'm glad that help is on its way.
I was mutual friends with this ******* Facebook; constantly saw her updates on her abusive relationship. Last we got connected, I figured she got out of it, and that's more than okay.
501 · Jul 2019
warm breath
solfang Jul 2019
I'm learning to lose my love
over your warm breath,
because when it stops one day,
mine would too.

your warm breath,
over my shoulder, over my neck,
hands tighter and firmer,
more than they used to be

from the front to the back,
everywhere with your warm breath;
masking my unspoken agony,
your warm breath is mine,
mine and only.
these feelings are meant to be written, not spoken
491 · Dec 2017
like true madmen
solfang Dec 2017
Attentive, attentive, I was,
wrapped in your insanity
and hypnotically agreed
to ****** your parents
out of passion and love
for the menacing you.

we escaped chases
like true madmen,
and for a moment you
felt like my forever after.

I wondered why I still love you,
even when I figured that
you sold me out to the cops
and ended up questing for
another partner-in-crime
by yourself.
this poem is inspired by a dream I had a week back.
482 · Mar 2019
you couldn't. i couldn't.
solfang Mar 2019
you couldn't love me
the moment you realised,
I couldn't love me
Been struggling with depression; wondering how long will it take before people leave
481 · Jan 2019
my father's road
solfang Jan 2019
I wish it's my father's road,
For my father,
He'll take the right actions;
When strangers make a monkey out,
Of themselves, and induce fear
onto his daughter of flesh and blood.

I wish it is my father's road,
For my father,
Would not allow atrocity
To happen when he's on guard.

I wish it is my father's road,
For my father,
He does not have a vile temper,
But shows real anger when
I'm hurt.

And I'm hurt,
By names my father did not gave me,
On the road that does not belong
to my father.
Grandfather/father's road: A retort to druvera/pedestrian who act like they own the roads. Commonly heard, and said as part of Malaysia/Singapore's street language.

Feels like cat-callers owned the road these days. I live in fear.
solfang May 2018
we all fear relationship,
a sunken feeling,
when attachment
weighs you

down.

you fear it would not sail,
with the anchors of
past memories
holding this journey.

when it does sail one day,
I want to sing to
the song of the sea;
the sea of love.

with a voyager
who knows how
to navigate my
rocky emotions;
waves of anxiety
and leads me to
where our future lies.
was having a talk with a friend about relationships.
both of s are afraid of many different issues,
one fell out of love, one is past loving love.

maybe it's just not the right time to sail
462 · Nov 2020
missing love
solfang Nov 2020
the love
that I've never
gotten from you,
is the kind of love
that I miss the most
find someone who loves you the way you love them
453 · Apr 2018
a letter to cat-callers
solfang Apr 2018
Maybe that's why
I prefer dogs;
animals probably have
more culture than you.

the way you take
quick glances at my trembling self
by the roadside,
with ear-piercing whistling—
does that excite you
as much as it scares me?

you made me look at
my long-sleeved dress
and ankle-hidden boots;
yet I question,
are my outfits deemed ******
till it entices your manhood?

I grip my bags firmly
and wallow in self-grief
for temporary relief,
as I fear more than just
compliments threw by
preys on the streets.

should you disagree,
of my brother,
whistling and signalling
your blood-sister,

should you disagree,
of my father,
oversexualising your mother,
then don't be a disgrace
to the ladies watching.
It was a sunny afternoon, and I was wearing a formal knee-length skirt and a loose, long-sleeved blouse. And then there's the cat-calling.
I can't believe I'm drenching myself in sweat to avoid this— and it still happened.

Just stop.
446 · Jan 2018
goodnight, anxiety
solfang Jan 2018
good night, anxiety;
why are you not asleep?
is my mind keeping
you awake?

I am exhausted from your
endless questions about
existential topics,
non-existential topics,
                         worry, fear, pressure

I don't want to talk about
                         my future and dreams,
the things I could had
talked about when
nighttime hasn't arrived

good night, anxiety;
I didn't leave the light on,
just in case you leave
in the loud darkness
but you didn't;
and it's morning again
can't sleep these days, my teeth are gritting.
anxious yet I don't know why
441 · Dec 2017
icarus
solfang Dec 2017
icarus,
fell to the ground,
because he flew
too close to the sun
and got his wings
melted away.

I,
fell to the ground
because I grew
too close to you,
and got my heart
melted away.
similarly, both of them are irreparable.
386 · Mar 2020
honeymoon
solfang Mar 2020
they call it the honeymoon stage
as it's supposed to taste sweet
but why does mine taste like
a different kind of bitter?
choices were made, but were those the right kind?
386 · Jan 2021
heartbreak
solfang Jan 2021
my body recognises
what heartbreak is today;
my vessel is leaking tears
and I can't seem to fix the hole
that once made me whole

am I broken everywhere,
or just missing a part,
I can never tell,
for I've finally lost my heart

if love is this painful,
I shall learn to grief
or my feeling that was once hopeful,
might end up turning hateful
Let me know your experience post-breakup, and how long it took before you felt whole again
382 · Apr 2020
bait
solfang Apr 2020
a big catch
that is worth it;
that's what you once said
when you attempted
to reel me in

yet I see there's
no longer a bait at
the end of your hook;
perhaps an easy catch
just wasn't thrilling
enough for you
suitors aplenty, yet they seem to disappear the moment I return their affection.
382 · Dec 2017
opposite attracts
solfang Dec 2017
the term 'opposite attracts'
is coined for a reason,
when two similar people are
bonded with chemistry,
it can unwillingly cause
an explosive reaction,
that's physically and mentally
harmful to both sides
due to strong, obsessive
bonds for one another

yet when opposite attracts,
a subtle reaction is triggered
with occasional sparks,
and mixes to become
the perfect formula
we call love
Might sound common, but I've experienced explosion caused by similar attraction. Haven't liked anyone with opposite personality though.
381 · Jul 2018
mothers might know best
solfang Jul 2018
mothers might know best,
but they are not always right.
Her advice might be what's best for others, but it's not always right for me.
----
I grow up listening to my mother's advice.
Before college, I am not allowed to have my own thoughts.
--

I changed my job recently, and honestly speaking, I am not too happy about it.
Called my mum, and she stated some obvious facts.
But I feel like she isn't even trying to be in my shoes.

--
374 · Apr 2018
warm . cold
solfang Apr 2018
warm as coal,
cold as ice,
you reflect
different emotions,
in the same pair of eyes.
something to warm the brain juice.
often I see stories glazed out from different eyes.
365 · Nov 2019
let's give away love
solfang Nov 2019
i don't deserve love
because i gave
mine away
so easily
to the wrong one,
when the right one
fought for it
so badly
sometimes I wonder, have i found the right one - but pushed them away, thinking they are the wrong one?
362 · Jan 2018
words. mind your words
solfang Jan 2018
words,
do you know
how toxic you sounded?
it was your spirit of anger;
distinguishable amongst
your flaming passion
of your career.

words,
do you know how
you made a maiden
cry in a filthy land;
and because of your ego,
you have used the kingdom
for your battles without
clear victories.

your words.
they hurt.
sword-wounds
would probably
feel better than
your words.
My team and I were badly critiqued by one of our colleagues for our work performances. His words were unprofessionally said. It felt like a personal attack as I played a huge role in the teamwork. But it didn't affect him – but all of us.

I really felt like quitting my job that instance.
357 · Feb 2018
Hello, it has been a while
solfang Feb 2018
Hello,
it has been a while.

it has been a while,
since emotions
start flowing.

it has been a while,
that sadness has
not called and asked
about my feelings.

it has been a while,
since my fingers
tapped to the
beats of my anger.

it has been a while
since I had a good day;
and it's today.
Minus the tiredness, it has been a great feeling these past few weeks.
354 · Jul 2019
I like how you're
solfang Jul 2019
I like how you're
the sunlight that
lands on my face
during warm winter days

I like how you're
the meaning to
the sun in sunflower,
and the breath
in a baby's breath

I like how you're
the laugh box
in my body,
and the batteries
are still running

I like how you're
the happy ending
to fairy tales,
with prince and princesses
but no villains

I like how you're
just the way you are
so I can write this poem
in remembrance of you
I like how you're reading this.
Warming up my brain for something more maybe.
350 · Dec 2017
solfang
solfang Dec 2017
sol,
an abbreviation of solar,
as I hope to wake up
every morning,
shining bright.

fang,
the marking bore,
by the greatest beasts,
as I hope to stand up
to fight fears,
every day.

but as saying goes,
a strong-willed name
cannot be given to
a weak-minded person
I don't think I can bear a nickname as strong as this
350 · Apr 2020
gem
solfang Apr 2020
gem
she was the gem
that shined bright
in your eyes;
but today,
you compared
her with trash

one man's trash,
is another man's
treasure;
perhaps you've
not seen her value,
or you're never a
lapidary to begin with
thought of a relationship my friend had, and it didn't last.
guess I knew why
348 · Dec 2017
two beer towers
solfang Dec 2017
two beer towers,
two types of taste,
one felt bitter,
one felt sweet,
beer bears sadness,
beer breaks happiness

the first time I
emptied the tower
was the first time
the beer tasted sweet

drowning in my bitterness
of anger and anguish
dazing over my cups,
why did beer taste
sweeter as it brews
through the cracks of
a shattered heart
and bottled emotions

the second time I tried
to empty the tower
was the first time
the beer tasted bitter

laughing with silliness
of joy and appreciation,
couldn't make it past
my third cup,
why do beer taste
bitter when you're
drunk with happiness
with people who matter.
Had a couple of drinks with my friends last night. The last time I drank this heavily was when I broke my heart.
The beers are the same brand but tasted differently
solfang Dec 2017
the school bell rings sharply
at nine-twenty in the morning,
echoes across the classroom,
are the usual 'Selamat Pagi, cikgu'.

fast forward to nine-forty,
boring lessons and classes
requires essay crafting
and dream jobs listing,
instead, we wrote fan letters
to be the filial wives of
members from boybands

fast forward to noon,
we were hooked on stories,
from breakups of social divas
to everyone's future college plans.
those were the days,
that should never end.

fast forward to today,
it's now nine-twenty,
greetings for teachers,
are now meetings with bosses,
essays are now reports,
compadres are now colleagues.

memories are the sweet
in the word 'bittersweet',
and I'm starting
to miss the taste,
every time the clock strikes
exactly at nine-twenty.
I really, really miss my high-school mates.
343 · Dec 2017
peephole
solfang Dec 2017
today I ran away
from a home
structured from
obstructed happiness.

lost and oblivious
in stories of the world,
I ran to the doorsteps
to a familiar stranger,
pridefully named Death.

He screamed at me
from behind the door
and chased me away,
but I couldn't budge
as I realise what love is
the moment our eyes met
at the peephole
reasons to escape from reality
342 · Dec 2017
my possible lover
solfang Dec 2017
I am glad,
my possible lover,
that you weren't with
someone that I
don't know

but being
happily together now
with my best friend.
based on a true story
solfang Jan 2018
if the broken you -
can see the beauty
of this                    horrid, horrid world,
then how bad
can the world be?
sometimes, broken people teach other broken ones that the world can still be beautiful
340 · Aug 2019
just imagine.
solfang Aug 2019
just imagine if it was us getting old together,
just imagine if it was us getting together,
just imagine if it was us,
just imagine.
[warm up post] just imagine if I've more ideas for this.
330 · Mar 2020
heartbeats
solfang Mar 2020
our heartbeats
can never be in sync;
for I know mine
will always be beating
faster than yours
329 · Jul 2018
game of pretend
solfang Jul 2018
how long more can
this game of pretend last,
when it's slowly turning
into reality?
I can't pretend to like adulthood anymore. It's tiring.
325 · Mar 2018
realisation
solfang Mar 2018
I cried sleeping,
thinking I did you wrong;
but woke up smiling,
realising you never did me right.
I always thought that liking you was my own mistake–
till I learnt that you never deserved it anyway.
321 · Dec 2017
self-worth
solfang Dec 2017
don't let self-worth,
become something
that's not from
your own self,
but from the
opinions of others.
Something short to start the idea engine.
To everyone out there, remember to stay true to yourself! You're worth everything you think you are!
317 · Nov 2019
couldn't do
solfang Nov 2019
he swore that I am his world,
something you couldn't do;
he worshipped me as if I was his,
something you couldn't do;
he told me I was his sun, moon, stars
something you couldn't do;
he said he loved me and only me,
something you couldn't do;
but the one who stole my heart,
my laughter, and my love,
it was you
something he couldn't do
I hate one-sided feelings; I wish I can do something about it.
314 · Jun 2019
feeling feelings
solfang Jun 2019
I'm incapable of feeling feelings,
but that's okay.
these feelings are feelings
I have to pay,
what more can I say?

when feelings are allowed to feel,
that's when it's harder to heal,
my emotions are now sealed,
it'll never be concealed.

I can't feel happy,
even when days ain't ******;
I can't feel sad,
even when everything goes bad;
I can't feel love,
even when I can see doves;
I can't feel feelings,
this is what I'm dealing.
This poem is the side effect of taking anti-depressants.
My therapist said if I'm okay with the numbness.
Casually, I told her these feelings I'm feeling are the reason why I'm sitting here with her today.
310 · Jan 2020
blossom
solfang Jan 2020
I'll go back to my roots,
and sprout up new strength;
and when I blossom again,
it'll be done beautifully,
for the bees and butterflies,
and the gardener who believed in me.
started a new job; previous job took away my spark, but it's time to shine once again. During this period, I'm glad I had great support from people around me.
299 · Apr 2018
heart. eraser
solfang Apr 2018
you're slowly erased
from my mind;
that the pain of
the past is not
resurfacing anymore

but maybe—
I overwrote it
with denial,
that I forgot how

love, anger and heartbreak

once looked like on the
blank canvas,
of my healing heart.

would new colours,
be drawn across
anytime soon?
recently I don't feel pain anymore, but could it be because there are new feelings? hmm...?
297 · Dec 2019
pleasure is pain
solfang Dec 2019
seek me for pleasure;
and you might end up in pain
physically, and emotionally speaking.
292 · Dec 2017
antidote for toxicity
solfang Dec 2017
forgiveness
is an antidote,
to the toxicity
of hatred,
rooted in
your heart
it's not easy, but you can try it out
290 · Aug 2018
the day after tonight
solfang Aug 2018
the reason
I'm happy every day
is because
I woke up
from a nightmare
that almost consumed me
the night before.

and I laugh
for I fear;
when I face
the same nightmare again
I wouldn't wake up
to see
the day after tonight.
the pain from my anxiety is getting into me. every night.
Sometimes, I'm afraid that I wouldn't wake up to see the day after tonight.
288 · Nov 2020
my biggest fear
solfang Nov 2020
the monster under my bed
grasped my hand tight,
for it too,
felt my fear
of loneliness
I am my worst fear after my breakup. Was about to go to sleep when I wanted someone to hold my hands, and I wouldn't mind even if it's the monster under my bed. I miss warmth.
277 · Sep 2018
grief//love
solfang Sep 2018
how grieving
can a heartbreak be,
till one swears off love
completely?
I hate rainy seasons— those are the times when I think of the love that never happened.
265 · Dec 2019
mine
solfang Dec 2019
my body
and my mind;
these are the things
i wish are still mine
ever felt like you're losing yourself, slowly but certainly?
262 · Nov 2020
dreamt a little dream
solfang Nov 2020
last night,
I dreamt of you;
in the dream,
we were holding hands
while walking down
the park we frequented,
we were laughing,
and your presence felt stronger
than the times
we were once together

and even in the dream,
I was well awake and aware;
that this is nothing more
than a dream
my dreams are personalised; often enough, it is about things I can never achieve or desires that I have never gotten. This is written for an old crush I longed to have a chance, but I've learnt to let go
255 · Jan 2018
reflection
solfang Jan 2018
reflection,
I see a real beauty
wait, that's not me
but my sister
standing beside
a shabby ol' me

reflection,
trying to catch you
everywhere I go,
but you seem to
avoid me in
all possibilities

reflection,
I look again and see
sometimes I wish the
one staring back
is not me

reflection,
my reflection is sad
what's wrong?
are you mad,
that you're me?
I love glancing at any objects that can show me my reflection.
But sometimes I wish that it was a happier one
246 · Dec 2021
sad eyes
solfang Dec 2021
don't look at me
with those sad eyes,
I might just cry;

they are speaking to me;
it's as if they are asking
if their deceitful looks
are the reason I'm leaving

so close your eyes,
so they can't see me
when I walk away

open them now,
for now, I'm gone
There was a time I thought I saw our future through your puppy eyes
244 · Dec 2017
yellow flicker lights
solfang Dec 2017
standing under
yellow flicker lights
reminds me of the day,
our hands slowly met,
barely held or touched
and laughter echoes
the entire street,
but yellow flicker lights,
of today only revealed
undisclosed desires,
for the past you
used to be close to the persona in the poem until I found out he didn't feel the same
235 · Nov 2019
love at first sight
solfang Nov 2019
if love at first sight exist,
why are you still here?
go find love.
233 · Oct 2021
love me
solfang Oct 2021
don't love me for my nice;
love me for my ugly

love me when I transform
into a monster
with the power to
drown everyone with
my tears

love me when I have
claws as my tongue,
even when the words I say
might stab your heart

love me when I lose control,
and start staring at you
with my crazy eyes;
the kind you experience
when hurt is in your sight

I wasn't ugly before;
rather my nice couldn't
mask itself any longer,
and decides that it is best
to let loose by destroying itself,
leaving room for nothing else
but whatever niceness that's left.
it's sad to not be loved when you're ugly, and only wanted when you're nice
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