I sit here by my bedroom wall
my back on stone, cold concrete

I stare at a future as bleak as the white wallpaper
peeling off the edge

Why is my worth
based off of a single sentence
the only referral to what I can or cannot do

I have plenty to offer
beyond the lines of A4 paper

And yet society scan these things
with cold eyes and cold minds
drawing a line to what I can or cannot do

And in the end,
I conform to those lines
tucking away the other sides of me

Feeling as though I have nothing to offer
for I do not fit within the boundaries
of those lines

"I already matter,
I already matter"
What she whispered to me
Low frequency,
And,
Gently removing the zip ties of my youth,
Sang Rocket Man just under her breath
To no-one in particular.

"I already matter"
That slap-in-the-face truth
Words impossible to unpick from my teeth.
But right there,
She just breathed into being
A delectable bite-sized epiphany
For only my ears.

"I already matter"
A song of logic with such obviousness
The gods synchronized their eye-rolls
In response
Yet somehow we ****** up the lyrics
-they're passed down, that's why-
From wars, and hate and Ashmedai.

"I already matter,
I already matter"
She's here again...
And I think it's going to be a long long time
Till touchdown brings me 'round again to find...

I wish to experience sober the bravery of drunk
I wish to experience adult the immediacy of childhood
I wish to experience the unconstrained love of the innocent and unbroken
I wish to emerge myself in the hope of he who has never suffered disappointment
We all get the possibility to live life at its fullest
Why do we aim for satisfaction and settle for even less?
Mediocracy is a principle of averageness, but ought never to be a goal in itself
Unique. Human. Individuals.
Do not forget your pride
Do not underestimate the value of true joy
I do believe in charity
Do I believe in Me?

It's a thought that plagues my mind at odd hours of the night
Running on loop behind muffled sobs
Looking but never finding an answer
I must have done something awful, horrendous, obscene to deserve it
It had to be my fault
Why else would those thing happen?

Then I stood across from you
My mind aflame
Searching for something, anything that could explain 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴

A little blue hand-me-down Keurig

Why?
It's just an object, basic machinery sold to the masses
They're so common
And yet I could even comprehend how it was sitting right in front of me

This isn't right
I'm a poet
A musician
A painter
An artist
My entire purpose is to understand and create something better than myself from that understanding
I'm known for my long winded detailed tangents that explain exactly what I'm feeling
But I just 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵
It doesn't make sense
Why can't I make sense of it?
Why can such a small thing evade me?

I suppose history repeats itself
When I kept staring at that beautiful piece of houseware with watery eyes one thing kept coming to mind
What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing answered
How am I supposed to leave it to the unknown?
It's wrong
It's not what I'm made for
I just-
Why?

I named him Drizzle
It’s dorky as hell, but I think it suits him
It is part of his basic functions after all
To lazily brew a warm mug of coffee as everything happens around him
He could never understand the half of it
I don't think he even knows where he is
But he still happily goes about such a simple task
Nothing else matters

There's another meaning to his name
More depressing, to be sure
But I think it gives him more character
You know how it's thought that rain is a deity sobbing?
So anguished that it shows its inner turmoil to all?
As I cried, hearing the pitter patter of rain on the pavement outside
Far heavier than a drizzle, but I digress
I thought of that
And I couldn't help but think that sometimes we were wrong
It wasn't suffering, for me at least, but raw confusion and happiness and amazement
Over something so small that meant so much

You said that when you bought him, you wanted him in blue because it was a happy color
And you're right
It is a happy color
A hell of one at that
That's why I named him Drizzle
Because I was so overjoyed that I let tears flow down my cheeks like rivers
And maybe I'll never understand him
Maybe I will
I don't know if it even matters what context he exists by
Maybe he just needs to be exactly who he is
And nothing more
Why do I have to find purpose when I don't need it to love him?

I think that's my answer
Nothing and everything at once
I don't think I have to try to understand when there isn't anything to understand
Maybe my fear of the unknown is completely unfounded
Sometimes the unknown is okay

I don't think I could receive a more meaningful gift
There were some that I never thought could be topped
But they were
By that little blue hand-me-down Keurig
And I have to thank you
For everything really
But right now, it's for completely changing the meaning of a question I have been asking myself for years
What did I do to deserve this?

Had your lies wash me over
Like a sluggish wave in the rain
Beaten yet gave you direction. 
Till there was nothing left of me. 
Now I hear you say " You too selfish"
It's Just on retail, wholesale on you.


You're scared you didn't subdue me
Cause I didn't put the blames on you
It deprived you all rights to hurt me. 
And that really hurts you till now. .


You remember vividly last I bent before you
I had gathered the pride you tried to shatter 
Leaving resentment, jealousy and anger. 
Cause I'm no disposable can, much less 
To a loveless being as you


Still wondering why I emit pure bliss
Why I give love in exchange for nothing "You only give what you have" They say
Doesn't mean you accept everything thrown at you. 
Call it pride
Call me boastful 
But Self worth is the key word.

They say
they love who I am.
They scream it
at the flesh that I'm in.
But they dont know
that who I am
is killing me.
This mental state
has consumed my name.
If I could I would,
but I don't know how,
to return to the boy
they already destroyed.
What a bind I'm in.

having opened
doors in my heart

your golden flecked
eyes grow large
and my soul feels small
sitting in the firey obscurity
of two hazel moons.

the scathing repetitiveness
of my thousand tiny emotional
choices to care, to love you;
from afar

Pretending my proximity
to you can ever maintain
distance within these walls
i'll leave soon but I
now call home


and you twist my insides
when I just wanna hold you
and tell you its alright

invisible to your moon
light i think you know

Cheer up now, being too little in the eyes of people is nothing compared to what your thumb can do,
Always remember that you can make a moon disappear at the back of your thumb in just a wink of an eye.

So when you feel that you're of less importance, that's nothing to be really scared of.
There  are few things little things that we don't often see its worth but cause unimaginable destruction, Just like how a tiny dew drop
and a distant sun ray from the sun can burn a whole forest.