wheels turn
eyes grow big
just found out
what you did

I could really use one of the many conversations we used to have right now

But you aren't here
And you don't want to be around

I sail along the rough ocean surface
Taking in the shattered gray and the foamy waves

I rock against the beach and feel myself back on the land
I watch as the wind takes the beach out of my hand

I lift my chin up to the air
And feel the sea breeze blow through my hair

I feel the sunshines warm embrace
and I know that I am safe

And just like that
I am back to being everything that he wanted
Except for the fact
I am not with him
He does not get to see
This better version of me
Mature and clean
Because he had his chance
And didn't see
All of my potential
To get out of my dark space
And be in a happy place
With him
So I found
Someone without any doubts
About me
Who cares and loves
More than he ever does
And just like that
I am back to being loved
By someone thats not just mean

I would never admit it
But I do think it
I know you will always be in my life
Because I worry
With all the pills you pop
That one day you won't talk to me
Not because I'm blocked
But because you won't be alive to talk

I want to show my friends what I write here
But I am filled with fear
at what they would say
or think
about me writing online and not with ink
but here for everyone to see
and I know the things they would read
would change how they look at me
because they don't know everything
and they really don't know me

i do not feel
like everyone else
i watch tears fall
when i shed
none at all
for death or love
for good or bad
being angry or sad
i don't care
i understand
what i should be
f e e l i n g
i understand
that i should be
worried
or sad
or scared
but i am just
e x i s t i n g
and everyone around me
is depressed
i do not understand
why my brain is not sad
why my life is not too bad
and how i deserve to be
happy
while everyone else
is suffering
because they have the ability
to be
         feeeeling

The shattered gray and foamy waves take over my field of green

I see everything you want in the reflection of me

He said he loved me


I said I liked him too

I thought I deleted you
Actually that's not true
It's been 6 years now
That I've been messing with you
When will one of us get another
To take the place as a lover
Because we aren't in love
We just kiss each other

There's no words to describe the feeling of you kissing my cheek
Kiss my mouth to get me started
Plant one on my cheek to be sweet
But you don't need to be sweet with me
It's all just routine

It will all stop abruptly
I'll be hit with a lack of presence
New cold hands
No more forehead kisses
No more late night cuddles
That get us in trouble
Because we sleep all night
And miss class the next morning
The drives around town when the sun is down
Unplanned pizza stops
With jam sessions in the car after
All will become a thing of the past
I don't want to believe it will happen
But I know that you will leave
Walk out my room, and never drive back
Exiting abruptly

We deserve better
He doesn't see it now
How he let us down
She will find out
That I was there too
Taking space in his mind
Popping up on his screen
Not trying to be mean
But sis
He was cheating

im not in the front of his mind
im with my best friend on a drive
we laugh and we cry

**** boys

his face against mine
i sigh
he opens his eyes
he tells me what he wants
not a question
so i open mine
and turn to my side
i have to deny
what he wants
because on my mind
is another guy

i downed half the bottle
and out my words came
full throttle

i apologise

I sleep over
I talk to his mom
I've met his dad
I'm too far gone
He holds me
Even in stress
Plants kisses
On my head
I hold his hand
Take care of him
When he can't stand
Jack too strong
Something's wrong
I like him
But I lost my voice
I can't say it
It's not my choice

I sat unbuckled sipping my drink looking at him
Taking in his features as the street lights go dim

His floppy blonde hair and straight white teeth
I liked what I saw, but I want what's underneath

The thoughtful comment about having a good night
A random call because I'm crossing his mind

In reality it will be over soon because school will end
We will move away and on to a new more-than-friend

I'll get a job and he will chase a dream
The only time I'll see him is when I daydream

I'll call once in a while to hear his voice
Making time to hangout won't be my choice

He will be busy with new people and video games
I'll be distracted working learning my clients names

It hasn't yet ended, but I feel the shadow of fate above
I don't want to like him, let alone start to love

Yet, I know the latter will happen only from afar
When I'm old and famous I'll write of him in my memoir

Once my kids are asking me for stories about boys
I'll slip into memories and their voices will become white noise

Thinking back to the night I sat and stared at him
All while knowing I was drowning trying to swim

As I sat unbuckled sipping my drink
I wished I had sipped enough not to think

i just realized that tonight might be my last
to spend in bed with my obese cat
purring under my arm
because now im an adult
and my life will move on
no more crying too
or talking and cuddling
and holding in front of a mirror
so she can see her reflection
no more petting or kissing
or waiting to scoop up when i come home
because now im an adult
and my life has to move on
and im moving out
a kiss on my finger
one last cuddle by my face
as she walks on my keyboard
as i type  this
accidentally hitting space
the saddest of goodbyes
that i'll ever have to face

im honestly terrified of liking you again
holding hands and talking in bed
id rather i just remain more than a friend
i dont want to know your weaknesses
your favorite food and candies
or the reason youre upset at your family
i just want to know your cologne
and eliminate the feeling of being alone

he got the
Gucci flops
Supreme top
Balenciaga bag
Hermes chain
Chanel sunglasses
Louis Vuitton jacket
Rolex on his wrist
he looks A-list

but does he have a heart?

Is it wrong of me
To stare at my grandpa as he falls asleep
Eternally
And feel absolutely nothing
Except annoyance
At the reaction of my family
The messy tears that are rolling
I wonder why they cared so deeply
As if the world will end
With the exhalation of his last breathe
Knowing
That is not the case at all
The world will end
When we breathe our last
Individually
So I stare at my grandpa
Wondering if it is wrong of me
To feel better knowing
That it is not mine,
But his world ending

Should I be worried about something?
I stood by the bed and everyone cried, I held his hand and felt nothing
Quite literally since my grandpa was dead
But also because there might be something wrong inside of my head
I observed the time and told the nurse who walked in the room
One week later he was in a tomb
More like a six foot box in a wall
Flowers and a name as a rememberance is all
We visit occasionally my parents and I
An empty flower vase greets us each time
I take one from Dorothy's box right next door
Her family doesn't visit her anymore
But her flowers are there everytime that we go
So I move them around, it's not like she knows
My mother cries and my father stands strong letting one or two tears hit the ground
But I stand there and read names of strangers all around
Leaving behind people like my parents who mourn and remember
And granddaughters like me who don't cry and whatever
My mom calls it being strong for the family and says I'm okay
I think she's in denial of my lack of display
But alas a tear fell in fourth grade
I recall, putting my cat down at such a young age
Made me realize that death is a gateway to nothing
But leaving behind family that struggles with living
So I just won't show it anymore I determined when we left the vet place
I walk right by death and I don't leave a trace
He could knock on my door and I'd take him by the hand
Show him the bed and where to stand
Just like I stood during my grandpa's last day
He can stare at me and wonder looking on
Is there something wrong with this human?
I find myself thinking that I know it all, but I still am left asking
Should I be worried about something? Is it okay to feel nothing?