snow. yuki. xue. nevicare.
i long for it.
days filled with ludiosis,
with my heart split.

gentle flakes on the window,
as i lie in innity.
warm side of the pillow,
and i'm just being lazy.

but that-
that's not reality.

i love you





















from the stars and back
















but you don't know

anxiety doesn't suddenly appear
it's there because of others
and when we look drear
we try to drag our covers
up and up
hiding our tired faces
because we don't want to cleanup
and show others traces
of our weaknesses

it's my birthday today
another year of drowning
myself in sorrow
and frowning
every morning
kinda feeling proud
that I survived another year
and still haven't landed
in the clouds
above.
<3

look at her, they say.
so polite and hardworking.
I reply with an okay-
and try to be like her.

look at her smiling on the stage, they say.
shining with a grade 8 in piano.
I reply with an okay-
and mold myself into someone they'll like.

look at her grades, they say.
getting top marks in every subject possible.
I reply with an okay-
but I'll always be inferior.

and they say, that's just how life works. </3

i cried till
my eyes were swollen
today, and still-
tears are drippin'

wonder how to
stop them from forming
wonder if feeling numb
will stop my emotions from storming

it's been two years
since I've set my eyes on you
but I'm still shedding tears
and still feelin' blue
because i know
deep down
I'm a bit slow
and you got your crown
from your queen
a long time ago
having a teen
crush is never easy

i lie on my bed;
my body tucked tight in my blanket.
a bit messed up in the head;
always staring up at the ceiling.
and my thoughts drift
to how people are enjoying life;
as i shift
my position inside the bundle of blankets.
i stare at the four boring walls;
every detail memorized,
ignoring my friends' calls
to go out and hang out.

have always wanted to escape reality-
from disney princess movies as a kid
to being a pre teen feeling real ******
reading all those fantasy books
then discovered romance and ****
as a weird teenager that barely lives
and keeps wanting to cut
myself but I know nobody gives
a single **** about my dreams
because I've always wanted to just fly
or shoot beams
or getting really really high
with dopamine in my veins
because if I met my fated partner in a whole another world
I'll be content for no reason
at all <3

to be honest
i'm really really scared of physical pain
but i really really want to die
it's like my mind is wrapped with chain
for the pain is too horrifying
and if i don't die from dying
the sight would be too revolting
so i guess
nevermind. i just can't die.

a little bit messed up
a little bit exhausted
don't wanna be backup
don't want my vision distorted
by all these stupid emotions
been starting to act irrationally
anger acting up like explosions
laughter coming up ridiculously
wrong place, wrong time.
what the hell went wrong?
oh well.

i want to **** myself so badly,
to just disappear from this horrible life.
i must admit i'll gladly
take the devil's deal to get a knife
to carve my fragile heart out.
i'm scared of pain-
but at the same time, it entrances me.
i watch the little beads of blood again,
slowly forming into a puddle.
dancing on my wrist

everyone is saying
I look so sad
these days
but the thing is
I don't know
how to look happy.
my eyes just look
expressionless,
filled to the brim with exhaustion.
so please don't
say
"c'mon, look happier."
because I want to
but I can't.

whatever i do
will always waste my life away
at least that's what you say.
i guess you managed to sway
me onto your side.
because i'm not doing anything i want
to do at this point.
you've made me use another font
to write my life
instead of the messy handwriting
that i'm supposed to use

i crave to have friends
when i am alone
crave to make amends
for myself but i should've known
i would want to be alone
when i'm next to my 'friends'
so i just scroll on my phone
igoring the loose ends
i'm leaving every single day

I FEEL SO HAPPY TONIGHT
because i'm alone
and i can freely write
and nobody would disown
me just because i wrote
and not being their perfect child
oh and i can gloat
to my friends until we smiled
and laugh till our throats hurt

his heart flourishing,
while hers' wilting.
his feelings were a lie,
yet hers was real to get core.
he couldn't care less,
couldn't love unless,
she stripped off her clothes;
offering her body,
for a terrible man like him.
she took it as a whim,
thought it was normal;
then he fell for another,
leaving her in the dust.
she thought it's a must,
that in order to love;
you need to give, and give,
until he's satisfied.
she was never justified,
and passed away,
with a broken heart.

please, tell me-
tell me why
you won't even bat an eye towards me when I plea
in my mind as I stare at the blue sky
to try to distract myself from you
because gazing at you all the time
is suffocating and I threw
my sanity away- it's like I'm commiting a serious crime
as I stalk you on social media
every single day, like a hopeless romantic

to that one person
whom i spied from afar
i've fallen head over heels
for you.
i will always remember
the way you gaze at her
like she's the bane of your existence
while i keep on
thinking what would happen
if i were her

to my imaginary lover,
I wish you were here,
cuddling me,
together cozily in the warm
blankets,
with my hands in your
pockets,
so you can chase away
the iciness from my fingers.
but there's no way
that could happen, hmm?
you're just imaginary,
after all.
a figment of my
imagination.

i wanna sleep so badly
after barely sleeping for days
it's as if my sanity is sadly
running away from me

can barely open my eyes now
and i feel like my brain's gonna melt
but i'm not scowling
like i did when i was wide awake though.

it's as if something's possessed me,
made me go a bit insane with a smile.

a stone cold heart, in a midst of
confusion, terror, and silence.
and blood it can cough
yet it remains a sight of nonchalance
everything's unkempt and rough
out of order and balance
far away, a cry and a laugh
a battle of chaos at a glance
a hide that is tough
yet the insides tense
nobody can plough
through the violence
to save it.

everytime I'm with other people,
I get reminded of how talentless I am-
they're all ******* shining stars,
while I'm one of those that are glow-less,
tucked away in a lil corner.
maybe I'm born in the wrong era,
maybe I'll be talented in another day.
maybe, just maybe, I'm famous in a parallel universe.
but they're all 'maybes'
isn't it time to give up?

i have a nervous habit
of peeling the skin on my lips
like a jumpy little rabbit
and sometimes blood drips
and my fingernails are reddened
then i stare at my hands in fear
but my mind slowly deadened
and i won't be able to quite hear
the pounding of my hearbeat
or notice my bloodied hands

on bare feet
treading light footprints
following the beat
of the rush
from ocean waves
to adopt seashells
as she paves
a path sideways
towards the sea
dipping her feet
letting things be
letting wind blow
her hair messy
she gives out
and finally smiles
as if there
is no tomorrow

crayons in hands
and stickers on face
with a cute headband
as i decorate my camera case

♡

i miss those days

♡

a pen in hand
and pimples on face
with a rubberband
as i speed up my pace
to finish studying

♡

that's me now

it's as if he's looking at me
but I know he's looking past me
so I just try my best
to ignore his presence

it's as if he's staring into my eyes
but I know he's staring at my insecurities
so I break our eye contact
knowing it'll break my heart

it's as if he's observing me
but I know he's copying my homework
so I continue doing my work
even though it hurts

it's just a one sided crush,
after all </3

i looked over at my parents
all their gaze on that laptop
listening to that stupid course
while i eavesdrop

the course is about
how to handle teenagers
and all i could do was
do what teenagers
do- ignore.

i tried my best to not laugh-
i mean after all-
they made the effort to try
but i don't recall
them treating me the way
the talk taught them to-

and all i can do is just
cope with all the
disappointment
without saying huh

because i'm confused-
i'm trying my best
but i'll never be enough for you :)

i'm a procrastinator
barely getting anything done
my body's a traitor
never waking up and finish things

but i guess procrastinators
can be described in a beautiful way too-

procrastinating is like when the tides
fall back and
the path between the islands appears and guides
us as we leave footprints along the path

as the sun sets
and the moon gives us a soft glow
and we wash away our regrets
and finish our little trek

<3

my tissue is stained with red blotches
it's only two cuts though.
not a biggie and didn't hurt much.
I just blow
away the redness on my wrist
and smell the metallic scent.
kinda refreshing if you ask me.

icy wind, creeping in;
peeking out, pupils dilating.
the freezing cold, killin';
chirping of the birds, dying.

a blurry silhouette
skating around, freely.
playing russian roulette;
any step can break my measly-
and fragile heart.

infatuation to falling in love
I'll never have enough of him.
a love story getting wove
trying my best to get that chance
to creep into his heart
and make him feel what I feel.

it's been two years-
since i've crushed on you,
since you've become one of my biggest fears
and how my heart flutters
at the sight of you walking by.
each scroll on social media
makes me sigh
because i'm ******* hopeless
when it comes to you.

is it wrong to want a bit of attention?
all I want
is a unique kind of connection
where I'm the only one in their eyes
eyes that are filled with dedication
towards me and me only
I wish somebody could give me a redirection
because I'm starting to feel selfish
and that's becoming a distraction
to my insecure lil brain
so I guess I'll just wait for my destruction
as I wonder what it takes
to not worry about my emotions
just to feel okay to feel selfish
with not even one restriction

i hope one day i can say this
to my other half-
everybody has their own story,
i just happen to find yours
more intriguing

just saying though,
it's not as if I can escape the curse
of singleness :>

snow is pretty.
why?
because
it falls from the sky
and pause
when it lies on the ground
i get drowned
in the endless white
where the light
ceased to exist

feels like everyone's
angry at me
but i ain't aiming my gun
at them
because I'm done
being mad all the time
and i just wanna have fun
so i felt light and happy
and went for a run
for the first time in a few weeks

eyes as dark as midnight;
staring ahead, soulless.
unravelling a puzzling sight,
sparkless.

but those eyes
were the pair that made me vulnerable
as the walls around me say their byes;
emotions crashing down on me, unbearable.

salty water making my eyes moist
as I peered at those eyes;
clearing out the foggy mist,
diminishing the lies.

my hear cracking,
my sadness spiking.
and i thought to myself,
such mesmerizing eyes.

Her: I have a confession...
Him: what kind of confession...?
Her: I tried to **** myself.
Him: at what time...?
Her: last night at midnight.
Him: that's nice. we attempted at the same time.
Her: ...
Him: let's meet up the next time you feel low, hmm?
The thing is, he didn't try to commit suicide.

i love writing in a cabin
next to the warm fire
as the ashes blacken
and my hands tire
but there's always
warm soup
on cold days
as my eyes droop
and i know it's time
for me to sleep

can i die now...?

I know you're tired.





But I am too.

the urge to somehow
**** myself painlessly
and allow
myself to walk around aimlessly
is starting to
creep up and up
as shampoo
dripped down from my hair
and i say to myself
when...?

today's another day
of doing nothing
i don't really feel okay
but i don't want to be bluffing
about being useful
for anyone or anything-
i'm trying to be truthful
telling myself i'm ugly
but i'm not good at my studies
i guess my parents are right
always saying i'm useless

the clock ticks and ticks
it's 12am right now-
a time where my icks
are nonexistent as i dive
into my deep thoughts
i feel kinda alive
but also half dead with exhaustion
with my study materials sitting
on my desk.
my brows are furrowed;
my lips are pressed;
it's a never ending cycle.
one that is vicious.

i said, i'm a loner.
he replied with, so you're lonely.
he's somehow right.
but a little wrong.

maybe a longer is like the moon,
never being able to fit in with the stars.
but it's kinda lonely.
so we spin around the earth,
sometimes letting them see us
and sometimes hiding away.

when it's cloudy,
and you can't see the moon-
maybe we were having a bad day.
and staying out of sight
makes us feel better.
slightly, at least.

some people love the moon,
and those are the ones
we cherish, and hold close to
our hearts. ♡

oh my, a white flower.
pale as snow and oh so pure
that the devils cower
is it a cure?
distaste in my mouth
how can something be so innocent
when my whole life is going south
not a sliver of thing decent
I didn't flinch
as I crush the flower with my foot
maybe I'm a Grinch
pessimistic to the root
felt its petals grinding
turning into powder
consumed by a rage so blinding
that makes me wonder
what have I become
...?