I thought I found a reason to stay

Things come and go

Just like people

One day I feel that I will turn around and see nothing

Only the retreating silhouettes of past times

I let go

Maybe it was you

Who knows.

I'll laugh off the bad ones
Grin at the good
Pretend that I don't care

Sometimes I can push it away like an annoying bug
Sometimes I can't

I'll feel the tears
I'll feel the shame
I'll feel jealousy

To tell you the truth, I don't think I can do it

What is it?
Who is it?
Where is it?

Those are things only you can answer

Isolation
Solitude
Tears and stress
Is this what I put down the knife for?

It's snowing
Shrugging, I turn away
It hurts
I remember you when I see snow
I cried

No focus
My mind feels like the world
Sentenced to death
No hope
No progress

I laugh coldly
It hurts
At least I can smile now
If the blood dries it'll hurt again
Oh well

**** happens right?

Across the water
The rock glides above

Beyond the depths lie
Waiting for us to fall in

Reflecting the light
Shadows grow

Words, Phrases, Quotes
Come together as one as I sit in front of the plasma screen
Wondering what this is for
It'll end right?

Look up and then look down
How much pain and anguish
Have we caused this world?

Read
Look
Think

Every war
Every building
Every breath

The path of destruction no matter how much we try to stop
Severe strain on this planet
Dark skies and burnt land

The whisper of the wind
Begging to stop
Begging us to stop

In the search for beauty and eternity
What have we done
What have we become?

Pink, purple, blue
I wonder why it is like this
I wonder when it got like this
Pouncing onto every chance I can get

Running away
From what am I running
Far away is all that I want
Running is what I think I want to do

I want nothing to do with anyone
Yet I want to be close to them
Yearning to hug them when they feel sad
I can't because I'm here, only a few can I reach

So close, yet so far
Seems to be a pattern
For a lot of things
Fire is what should surround me to warm the others while I burn
Nothing changes it seems
yet
Everything is different

Reflecting into my vision
Red
Reading between the lines of my own mind

Running away
Red
Running back

Rotten judgement is what I seem to be
Red
Ripped away from what I know about myself

Reviling is what I am accused of
Red
Right or wrong doesn't seem to matter anymore

Responsibility knocks on my door
Red
Reduce the yearning

Remorse fills my eyes
Red
Rolling my eyes in mockery

Checkmate

It's easy
You should get this
but I don't
I haven't
and
I won't

Let me help you!
More like let me laugh at you while I fail
Everybody else gets it, why don't I?

Stupid
I'm not
Stupid
I am

I guess that's it
Nothing less
Nothing more
Stupid

There's a quiz
"Until you guys do your job"
Sorry that I don't get it
Sorry that I'm stupid
Is that what I should say when you look me in the eye
and
Tell me that I make mistakes that should only happen in lower school

Thanks I guess?
He says I must hate math
I say I don't
I just hate him

I hate you too
I kept my mouth  shut
I don't need to say that
I shouldn't say that
I don't

Him and him are so similar
I hate it
I hate them

Warmth
Kindness
Respect

This is what we all deserve
The path is long
Worth it

You think you've given me that
Your peacemaking
Is for yourself
To think that you've done nothing wrong
That I'm not sitting here in Tears because of you

Peace
I'm not at peace
Not with you

They respect me
They show me kindess
They give me warmth
It goes both ways

Your warmth is nothingness
Your kindness is fake
Your respect is to yourself
When will you learn?

Insecure
Unsure
Lost
Their embrace give me hope
Yours makes me cry
Not because of what happened
but how I let myself down again
How much I hate your arms wrapped around me
Get off
You make me hate everything that is you
I'd blame it on you
I do
Not fully
You blame others
You do
Fully
When will you learn?
You're not in control
They have their own way to go
As I have mine
You lost my permission to run alongside with me
In the World that is my Home

Respect
Kindness
Warmth
It should go both ways

Your ignorance isn't bliss

You speak
You yell
You slam

These are the things I remember

The times of fear
The trembling of my hands
The streams of tears

These are the things I remember

The times of hatred
The fire burning
Yet I hid it
In fear
You slam
Remember?
That's what I remember

Do you remember?
I don't believe you
The hugs you gave
That drove me insane
You said it was fine
You never asked me
You asked yourself
Is it okay?
Yes
That's not what I said

Tears
I hope I left a stain
I recall all that

The times when you raised the hand
I don't recall if I felt it
The time I stared at the number on the screen
Debating
I took to long
The door opened and you were there
I never made that call
That day is when my Fear burned bright
My instincts told me to run
I was frozen
Had I run
What would you have done?
Raised your voice or your hand
Or something else
I hope I'll never know

I want to know

Are my fears justified
I can only know if I break out of my silence
Silence that screams
Run
Leave
Forget

Forgetting is what I've done so far
Repress
Suppress
Forget the times
I forget the times that would lessen my fear
Do those times even exist
I don't know
I don't care

I have to break free
A cage I've built for protection
You used it against me
To keep me where you want me
Vulnerable

Silence is screaming
All the times
I curled up
Fear
Hurt
Pain
I don't want to feel that way
Yet here I am
Silent
Staying put in fear
I can't speak
Tongue tied
Screaming Inside
Caught up in my own words
That you will never hear

Shut up
I don't care
...
Silence

Years of Lost Memory
You tell me stories
I can't recall
You laugh at moments
That I don't remember
I don't think I want to either
I see no value in you
Your words
Your stories

I don't care

I nod and smile
I'm not listening
I look right through you
Imagining times of other people
I don't think of you
You smile at me
I'm smiling as I remember a joke
It wasn't yours

Empty Memories
You ask if I remember
I laugh and say that I do
I don't
I laugh at how easily you fall for what I say
Your eyes try to find mine
Connections
I don't see you
I see the times that I do remember

Times I wished didn't exist

I look in the mirror
Asking myself how much I am like you
Hoping that I am me and not parts of you
Yet I know
You run through my veins
No matter how much I do against it
Doesn't mean I like it

I've told you
I don't see you as what blood and papers may say

I bet you thought it was going to have something to do with snow
Well you weren't wrong, I just said it
Yet you are wrong

You think I'm that easy?
You think you can predict me so well
Too bad
You can't do that
You cannot read my mind the way you think you can

I'm not your average experiment
You don't see my smiles
My laughs
You don't see my plan

It's the counterattack
Think I'm easy, think I'm simple
You think I'll play right into your hands?

I'd think the same if I was you
Everything is planned
Every hug, tear and laugh
It's all planned

When we part
You'll be the one trying to hold on
I won't depend on you

I'm not your experiment
I'm not that easy
You don't know **** on what's going on up in there
I know
and I'll make an experiment
Continue like this
and
You might be next

Or maybe I live under the same illusion of being being able to read you

Is it a white lie to say I don't care?