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You still miss her so much.
I feel it when I touch the keys of your laptop.
Wet from your teardrop.
Last night there was a birthday party.
For a boy that was a zombie.
He didn't exist, only his mother.
In a ghost home like no other.
Dark and brown.
In a ghost town.
I watched them from very far away.
I watched a mother and child that used to play.
You'll find ways.
You'll find ways and people and days.
It will be so hard, impossible and too much.
Like trying to sleep when there's nothing that feels right for your body to touch.
And it all falls apart again.
And you have to start again and again.
Always with too many things happening.
And no certainty and the world spinning.
On and and on.
How to go on? How to hold on?
Falling backwards again into the storm.
Uncomfortable and cold in every form.
The calm before and after the hit.
And the loving inside surrounding it...
You just hold me when everything falls.
When the siren calls...
19-01-20
In 2020 we are the motors of the mechanics we drive
in the bed
of other work days
as the bees fly less

and
the drive of somersaulting mad men, calmer
than a pool of iced days off
after the pool boy
cleans up
start screaming,

although it’s universal when you rise, and my limbs burst
through these elsewhere tossed things, and elsewhere bones
that have no succor in the middle of the sun’s dance, as if:

naïve butchers in the street are sleeping on the bus and
there is no answer from the ricochet dream apart from
keep your **** together
keep your **** together…

and the world is well travelled when you’re smoking beside a dog
and the obliterated silence of a room has a voice,

but the turnstiles open when the poem begins, ah!
the weekend again-this, envelope of random orchids that rustle
and
open,

in the haven of a ***** flat where we find the best corona jokes
new cities
these shaking palms
the way the world works better at 10 am
and the humour of a crazy snake, checking KPIs
again,

and when i wake
i will love this zero
hour
contract
more,

i will worship you and say
yes
yes
YES!
I hear the call of the animals
through the darkness
their piercing need

Searching

Searching

For one another
in the black
stony night.
Literally wrote this as I heard animals calling out to one another in the night
How can I use my phone less? Should I?

I use it to reach out to my daughter...
I call my mama every day...

I tell my sister, I will call her
       And set an alarm to do it...
             Oh well...

I can just fly to the opposite coast...
      And hug her little one...
And be a perfect auntie... for one week...

Oh! that's so cheating!
     Ok, I'm cheating....
            But I'm good at it!

Do you know why?
     Because when I see your little one...
        I see you... and I love her so much!

And I'm sorry I wasn't a good sister...
I wanted to...
I planned on being fair, and caring, and supportive...
     When I was 9...
        But when I was 10....
I got jealous...
I didn't even know that I was...

But you know what?
I still ironed your little blankets...
And went to get donated milk for you...
     Yes!
        In the snow!..
           For like 20 min walk through the snow...
Because you needed milk to grow...

            ... and because I love you <3
The phone rings,
Or rather vibrates,
As I stir my instant coffee
Because my Keurig is broken
And I haven’t gotten around to replacing it.
The lady on the other end
Of the call
Says she’s with the bank.
She’s selling identity theft protection subscriptions.
I listen to her
Explain
What that is
With mild excitement growing in my stomach;
Not with regards to the
Subscription,
But over the
Tones and intonations —
The way she breathes:
Softly,
Warmly,
Unconsciously.
I let her run with it,
Feigning curiosity at first.
A question here,
There,
To really get her going.
I wonder when she was last ******?
She asks to verify my name,
Address.
She mentions a credit score package
(Ooh la la)
That will provide me with insight as to whether my identity has ever been
Stolen.
(This call
Is getting steamy)
She tells me that in order to receive the package I need to confirm my enrolment in the subscription.
‘What?
Could you repeat that?’
I can feel it
Tickling,
Licking,
My soul,
As I sip my ****** instant coffee.
I tell her
That I absolutely won’t enrol,
That I refuse,
But that she should be a voice actor
Or that if she was a voice option for Siri
I would surely select her.
She doesn’t have a response,
Choosing to wish me a good evening instead,
And to thank me on behalf of her employer.
‘No,
Thank you dear.
Call this number whenever you like.
I don’t want your talents to go unappreciated by other customers
Who I’m sure are all swines.’
Click.
I stare at the ended call
And fantasize about your voice,
And when you were last ******.
Too bad the coffee is ****.
sunshine Nov 2019
i can hear the rain running its fingertips on the windows again

the music is drowning out the pain between my head and my heart

i just wanted to taste the love and the lust but I couldn't have both

he told me he was getting bored of the conversations

but don't you go around saying what you don't mean baby

i can almost hear what you whispered into my ears

we all know you're worth more than what you even bother to say

the smokescreen from the couch to the bedroom makes me dizzy

i'm one in a million just falling for one out of ten

she told me you were too busy for anyone else

you can almost hear the sound my tears made on your chest

so pass me whatever is in the cup because we're too numb to try

i feel the rain running its fingertips on the window again

and suddenly i don't feel so alone when you're not here
my phone died
my texts didn't send
my heart forgot to not-fall


xoxo
-sunshine
Peter Balkus Aug 2019
He is contacting me,
regarding the delay
in getting back to him.
He bothers me all the time.

He is reminding me
that he has sent me a message
with all the information
regarding our potential cooperation.

He is disappointed
not hearing back from me.
He is asking
what is wrong with me.

I carefully check my mailbox,
all folders, including spam,
I want to find a typo,
which would prove it's a scam.

I want to find a reason
to get rid of him, but I can't,
I can't find anything,
God knows I try.

Devil is texting me
all the time.
He wants me to work with him,
I get many calls from him,
which I decline.

I wanted to block him,
but it didn't work.
He's got so many addresses,
so many accounts
he sends his emails from.

I thought that one day he would stop,
he would give up,
but no, he won't,
I know it now.

I realized
that he'll always be around,
gotta get used to him,
get used to ignoring him,
and carry on with my life.
When will I stop calling you whenever I'm drunk?
It feels like the alcohol over flows my mind
As if I'm pretending not to miss you
whenever there's no alcohol in the table
but forgotten memories begin to appear
in a bottoms up
I yearned for you once more
Drink moderately
Lexi Snow Jun 2019
You sit there by the phone
Waiting
Waiting for it to ring because you know the minute you leave it alone

Buzz
                                          Buzz
           ­                                                                 ­       Buzz

But you can’t hear it

Until you get back to see a missed call
But it is a missed call from someone you didn’t want to talk to
You are waiting for that special person to call you
To tell you about their day
You miss their voice
Their voice has given you comfort in the past but now they need you
They need you to be strong for them
But for you to do that
You have to hear their voice
Hear how broken they could be
But you missed their call
You try calling them back

Ring
                                        Ring
                                                                ­                  Ring
Nothing

So you just sit there
Waiting
Waiting for them to call you back now
This is the worst feeling of just waiting for someone to get back to you.
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