As my family gather around me
I feel their whispers of insecurity
Thoughts of past events racing through my head.
As I lay here dying on my bed
Drifting in and out of disturbed sleep
I hear the sounds of my wife weep
Telling stories of my life events and past
My childhood memories drifting so fast.
Of happy long summers and never ending winters.
My life breaking up into tiny little splinters
Talks of greed and if I made a will.
The only thoughts are the pockets they can fill
Heated conversation and unsettled voices
I am forgotten about while they make their own choices
Someone shouts out where are his deeds
My thoughts and sounds now coming in short feeds.
My breathing now slow as I drift into eternal sleep
Family still talking of what they will reap
As I awake into a glorified light
Away and at peace from all of the fight
To an eternal life away from corruption and greed
My pain and suffering now finally freed
The hardest part is not that I miss you
The hardest part is not that I think about you constantly
The hardest part is not that I fantasize about you
The hardest part is not that I still love you
The hardest part is that you don’t have the courage to fight for me
The hardest part is realizing that although you act like a man, you’re still only a boy
The easiest part is realizing I’ve outgrown you and your insecurities
Life is a Disco. Don’t sit in the corner. Put yourself in the middle and dance like crazy.
Love is a gamble. Never fold. If your choices are rational and your mind is clear, You aren’t playing.
Loss is a sledgehammer. Never swing it. It will only break more than it already has.
i am prismic and entrancing, refracting - always reflecting my insides outwards. you will know how i feel if i want you to know so, i will tell you how to feel and by my will you will do so, i am hypnotic and sympathetic. i am blinding and righteous.
Oh these dreams have made my eyes feel hollow and heavy
Ready to lay to rest, regrets and remorse of yesterday
Pulled in every which way 'til pulled no more
Every piece of peace wrought 'til crushed
Meaningless words found meaningless
Words meaning less and less
Lest freedom be found
Alone I walk away
From my self
//On inner reflection//
Looking at you stung.
Being next to you again
for another springs end,
felt like never ending
beginnings of falling
to some sort of death.
Against the walls of my stomach.
Swallowed whole by hope,
I don’t know
who you are. Ever.
I don’t know who I am
Season’s rotation spent tripping in circles around you
are a lifetime and more.
A mere glimmer
through the eye of this storm.
I have known since genesis
how your light refracts mine.
Spider’s silk caught in sunbeam.
Unraveling sun from sky.
I come back to find you different.
Adapted to despair. I become burdened and create distance,
Avoidant attachment floating in air.
like a thick,
at fallen angel’s midnight.
Every morning light
always left us
and aquatinted us
I feel ashamed as the fire went out already.
It took so long for it to lit.
For a while it hasn't been that steady.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be fit.
For only a day and I'm already beat.
I don't sleep very well.
I blame the the weather and the heat.
But I know it's not the reason I fell.
When I look in the mirror I am ashamed.
The extra that's still visible on me.
I want to be seen, be famed.
But what I see is not what I want to be.
Asleep and tired, from my own urge to be freed.
Empty inside, but it will be worth it, you'll see.
But I'm not stopping this until I see what I need.
Yet I miss the days my fire was easily lit by me.
Disclaimer: this poem was inspired by the song- 'Empty' by Jaiden Animations and boyinaband. You should see it on Youtube.
You wandered through misery and silence
for half your lifetime,
feeling every change in the wind
and the pain of the world around.
You were lost and didn't want to be found.
There was no salvation within;
so you gave up on false idols
of joy and light.
Aching and broken, you closed your eyes.
The world disappeared,
your mind grew louder,
And you gave up.
Or so you thought.
You expected an end
and received a beginning.
I'll wait a lifetime for you to catch up
and meet the new you.
You'll be ok again.
Big shoutout to therapy and medication.
I think back on the good times and the memories that we made.
And in my quiet moments those great times are all replayed.
I remember the laughter and tenderness of the time we had shared.
And feel so much less lonely thinking on how you once cared.
Of course there is a melancholy sadness in knowing it has passed.
But we built so many memories that the warmth of then will last.
Do you recall those moments when we shared intimacy and fun?
Or are they all your past and in memories, then made you none?
I think often of the passionate warmth of you entwined with me.
And feel again the excitement of how those times could be.
Always with some loss, but too an overwhelming sense of pride.
When you were once my lover, I have to put those memories aside.
I keep selfishly those memories that you and I have made.
Musing often on what I could have done to ensure then had stayed.
I think of you often in that wider world out there.
And hope you kept one good memory as proof you once did care.
Inspired by both my past and Lorraine Colon who writes some simply amazing and insightful stuff. I wish I were as adept at cutting through and seeing it real.
Tan with bright blue and purple lines on my wrists
My fingers so ready to grasp what should be rightfully hers
Eyes filled with joy before, now begin to drown in a faze
Blinded by fog
My fingers floating to find a grasp
I'm surrounded in pure darkness
The only way to see is a faintly lit light
A sudden brush of goosebumps slither up and down my tired body
I recount feeling the firsts to feel something again
A distant memory only comes when in true need
Approaching the light, it barely flickers.
Hands suddenly touch the light
Grey with a faint of colorless veins barely breathing
I realize these are mine
Suddenly realizing it's not a light there touching
A reflection of myself
These lifeless hands touching my chest
I am a ghost
of what I was
Not my most creative to date, but Ive had to get this off my mind. Questioning the purpose of my life, is taking me to a place that seems to want to take it into action for the worse soon.