____________________­____________________

­Mommy,

I know you always try your best,
I try to pass all my tests,
but I can't pass anything but math,

and the problems we have I don't know how to solve,
because I'm working with numbers that don't work in the context of the problem we've been having,

and I'm trying my best each and every day,
to just spell my name correctly,
C-A-T-H-E...what comes next,

I don't remember,
Now I feel dumber than my little brother,
I can't read anything harder then a **** and Jane book,

is this why  at school,
by everyone each and every everyday,
I'm ignored and overlooked,

Mommy,

I never want to see you cry,
and every night I don't see it,
but I hear it,

and I hear you pray for me,
pray for someone to help your child in the ways your not able to,
because you can't always help me,

Mommy,

I know you don't deal with everything very well,
and sometimes when you yell,
it becomes more than shouting,

you and daddy fighting,
yelling about me,
every single day,

I hide in my room and cry,
because when I didn't I worried about getting hit,

for not paying attention,
or my homework,
or doing the things i constantly was told to stop doing,

Mommy,

I couldn't help it half the time,
So I cried when I came home from school,
Because everyone picked on me,

kids beat me up on the bus,
people took my stuff,
and recess and lunch were worse,

Mommy,

they put me in the corner all alone,
because I had allergies,
But everyone just thought I was a bad kid,

Everyone hated me,
No one wanted to play with me or be my friend,
no one could even be nice to me for a minute,

Mommy,

I peed my pants everyday,
two to three times a day too,
because people scared me,

and eventually I out outgrew this,
but my nails disappeared,
as did my voice,

Mommy,

I come home everyday and I cry and scream,
and that's the only noise I ever made,
for all of second grade,

my communion pictures make me cry,
because I look so sick,
at the time I just wanted to die,


Mommy,

I was in third grade,
when I know I had self harm for the first time,
Did it in the middle of class,

and no one said anything to me every time,
I pulled my teeth out,

Or the time I stuck my finger in my pencil sharpener,
closed my eyes and turned,
so my nail came off,

and maybe they would let me get out of that class room,
because every day that year was brutal,

Mommy,

I was still in third grade,
when I stopped eating,
wasn't a hard thing,

with my ADHD diet,
and the thing you never know,
that me and Daddy just keep to ourselfs,

Mommy,

when I fell off my sled,
I really fell off the deck,
and that's how I broke my leg,

Daddy saw me jump,
and I wish he was the one who missed it,
and you had to of seen it,

Mommy,

I didn't wanna live,
that was after my 8th birthday party,
you came and yelled at me in front of my only friend,

and she didn't even go to school with me,
and you chased me around the house yelling,
making her uncomfortable,

I thought I lost all my friends,
I honestly didn't know what I had left,

Mommy,

do you see why no one has ever come over since,
why I stopped having birthday parties,
stopped everyone from being near me,

I only wanted people to treat me well,
I only ever hoped for that,
I never asked for all the pain that I've gone though,

Mommy,

You always told me I was scared of men,
But I've seemed to always have anxiety and Depression,
Since I was a little kid,

Mommy,

I thought a boy loved me,
I opened my heart to another man other than the one who made me,
Loved him more then I loved the god we prayed to every Sunday,

Mommy,

I cried,
The night I let him **** me,
Because I had no where else to go,

Because Home,
Was no ******* home,

because the abuse
became too much to bare,

Mommy,

Look at my scarred body,
I dare you,
Don't try to fix me with your prays,

I don't need you to cry another night over me,
I don't want you to have to go to your mother and cry because of me,
I just want you to see,

Mommy,

Look what the world's done to me,
look what the world's done to your daughter,

from the nail biting, teeth and hair pulling little girl,
who then starved herself & tried to die by jumping and eating peanuts,

Mommy,

I've only gotten worse,
because I've taken up burning,

writing all the hateful things on my,
chest, legs, arms, breast,

Just to scorch my skill off,

Mommy,

I never cut myself till I was in 8th grade when I learned what self harm was,
and I didnt think I was doing it,

I just started talking paper clips and things that scratch the surface of skin,
I didn't ever think it get deeper then the top of skin,

Where I'd see my blood drip out from under paper clip,
I soon used other things to get the job done faster,

Mommy,

just look at my skin,
touch my skin,

do you believe it now?
like they had to do in the bible for Jesus when he returned from the dead,

see i'm as dead as the living dead come

Mommy,

I came back to stay forever,
and not pick up and leave for days,
not telling you where I have been,

Mommy,

every mark was never from you,
It was from those who brought us apart,
trying to take my from you,

Mommy,

every ounce of blood in my body came from you,
you never gave up on me,
even when I have given up on me and you,

Mommy,

I hate this school,
I told you think from day one,
I want the damage they did to be un done,

I want to feel free again,
I wanna feel like I can be happy again,

Mommy,

I haven't been happy for a while,

and even though I have not smiled for years,
in that same time,

I haven't seen yours appear,

Mom,

as the days, weeks, months and years passed,
the steps between us became miles that put u in a heaven leaving me,
under the sea level,

I just was to reconnect,

But things that break can't always be fixed,

so I write you at 16 years old

But

Dear mommy,

I've been trying to reach you since I was 6 years old,

we've lost 10 years of our lives,
because people wanted to make us hate each other,
and fight,

but I will write you one last thing,

my apology can't be worth more than this,

Dear Mother

I love you,
**please believe it

delilah was my only love,
my only escape from this world,
a drive with her was all I needed to take the edge off,
no cigarette or drug could really do the trick,
nothing really worked to clear my head,
but delilah could.

delilah was my best friend,
never lied to me,
never went behind my back,
delilah was like an angel,
used to always help me get home and back,

delilah died.
and I killed her.
someone drove us off the road,
a third of a mile from my house.
and we hit rock bottom,
before we hit the tree.

delilah died,
going under twenty.
fifteen years old,
my first real love,
my first investment to better myself,
ripped from me.

Delilah the victim of accident,
left the world,
with two flat tires,
and a bent licence plate.
we took delilah outback,
and put her out of her misery.

r.i.p. 2001-05/12/2016

Your soul is like a diamond,
Worth so much,
Because diamonds are actually worthless,
On the outside,

But this diamond is not like the rest of them,
Like the ones that have been hidden,
From the world.

No,
This one,
Is made rare,
Because,

like diamonds,
They bound things of love,
And this one,
Was created from love,

I am not a body in the wreckage;
 this is not the part where you
 drive by slowly again and again, 
your speckled egg-shell neck craning
 to see what damage you might have done.


There is no yellow-tape around my heart, 
and they have not outlined my shape in chalk. 
I am not an animal in a cage 
here for your amusement when you
 get bored or lonely or just want
 me to remember that you used to be
 the one who kissed me good night.

I will not pull out my entrails 
so you can see if my heart still
 beats or if it was a job well done.
 I am not the debris at ground zero,
 and there will be no memorial built 
here in honour of what you ruined;
 it wasn’t worth the ash it left behind.

I ate a whole thing of oreos in front of you,
and then,
*I ate another.

how can I be a poet,
when I have,
**Dysgraphia.

I went off my medication,
and went up a few sizes,
sometimes you lose the effort to try,

but when the effort returns,
maybe it will be ignored,
til a more promising day.

kiss my pain away
make me feel okay
as i lay on the break of death
for eternity
my blood drips slowly to the floor
as I remove the blade
love has left me once again
but pain, it seems to stay

everything
like the leaves on the trees,
has to change,

I've been told from a young age,
that in the end,
everything is going to be alright,

but I'll lead you in on this little secret,
a Secret a word has been blocked from,
because the human race decided to put the blinders on,

Not everythings going to be alright,
and in the end,
If things haven't hurt you,

made you forget the sky is blue and the sun rises and shines each day,
but every time you only think about the things like,
how you ponder life and death,

and sometimes its too early for thoughts that whisper in your ears,
when u have to stop to make sure you heard them clear,
because sometimes they keep you up at night,

and the nightmares play live shows,
that you wanted to return your tickets to,
but you sit there and wait til the sun shines and makes the sky blue,

because sometimes thats all you can do,
and that's as close to alright as it gets,
When battles never seem to have a victor anymore,

Because we have more tools than we know what to use,
and if we could try to not abuse the people we've claimed to love,
because we should get even they had it rough,

because we sometimes wish for things that takes hearts above angels,
and we don't know if the angels wanna listen close enough to hear,
and people sit in hospitals each day praying for parents and children,

praying before themselves,
because they learned that someone means more then their life to them,
and they don't wanna live like they died as well,

But there prays will only ever be covered up by distant strangers,
praying for things they don't really need,
when they got the house over there head and are always fed,

I wanna know why there's people who have nothing,
but the people who have what they would die for are upset for,
Why we complain about things when we're better than it could be,

Is it because it's not how you think it should be,
were we bleed because were upset at average ages of 10,
but we still have a roof over our head and parents to feed us,

Do I have the right to be depressed over the countless things done,
when countless people have it worse and say,
everything's going to be alright,

because I don't feel like it's alright,
when my world crashes before my feet as people shove you,
off cliffs for the fun of hearing your screams echo as your fall.

But sometimes you want to fall,
Sometimes we leap off the building that mimic cliffs,
because we can't take everything,

because sometimes,
like life handed us out the rotten lemons,
because from the start we learn how it's never going to be sweet,

But we have to learn to make the most of it,
so even when thing seem like nothing could get better,
we know at some point,

maybe right now nothing is going to be alright,
and everything's not going to be alright,
but something will be alright,

But it just takes time,
and patenince,
as we learn to make the most of rotten lemons.

you and me,
we though we were in love you see,
you took me,

as my incense was leaving with every step,
and every breath,
and every beat in my chest,

we step inside
your garage became your demise
and you became a beast when you felt deprived

as beast you were,
you made my mind a blur,
and I hate you for this Sir,

Formal terms is all I can give you,
to a man who wanted me just to *****,
you put me through it all just for it to rain blue,

you led me into your garage,
demanded I started to give your **** a massage,
but I didn't engage,

that's when you grab my wrists,
and tried hitting me with your weak fists,
and that's when I didn't wanna exist,

But hitting me wasn't enough,
you sat on me and lifted my dress off thinking you were hot stuff,
and what you saw made me tougher,

You saw my head to toe in the ****,
I laid back while you viewed,
you looking at my body you didn't think would include,
scars that looked liked bad tattoos,

and i cried more and more,
he just asked me what these are supposed to account for,
And i had nothing to say even from everything with before,

he grabbed me in his arms,
and promised me he'd protect me from harm,
like that I fell into his charm,

as he wiped my eyes
he kissed me everywhere with his lies,
everywhere I told myself with my lighter I wanted to die,

this is when he undressed,
when he go to my level last thing I saw of him was his chest,
then he grabbed my *******,
and I felt like he molested me,

but I never stopped him,
throughout he was grim,
and didn't stop till he hit my brim,

and how I though this was okay,
and every day since I pray,
because of how I wish I stayed

so I pray to stay away,
because they can'r pay me enough to go back and decay,
but part of me still loves him and if it were to be that way,
I'd go back and stay,
on some-days,

I played with the flames of fire,
with the matches,
they're still burning in my hands,

you can try to drown me out,
but baby i will burn every last inch of you,
even if I have to burn the whole world for you to see.

I'll burn down with everybody,
but you caught me,
and the rain came down like it never did before,

the rain blew me out,
and I layed their weak,
and you laughed because I was me.

and you said,
I don't care about you.
I have no problem,
I just don't care about your existence anymore.
nothing personal,

and now I understand,
no one will stick around for you.
even those who love you.
and you just have to let them fly away,
like butterflies you wanted to take.

we had meet because of my school talent show,
I was in 8th grade,
my little brother was an act,
I randomly had sat,
and there you where,
The new boy,
who knew my brother,
because my brother stayed after for all the clubs,
but my brother was in 6th grade,
and I didn't know they only met,
because of,
homework club,

I gave the boy my number,
And added him on Facebook,
Age wise he could of been in mine,
but most likely 7th grade,
I didn't know he was in 6th grade,
and his only friends where my brothers,

I texted him all the time,
and saw him at the end of the day all the time,
and stole his sweatshirts,
and finally one day he kissed me,
and I was so happy,
we went to his locker,
and I relied, he was in the 6th grade wing,
and everything made sense,
we weren't dating,
so I wasn't worried,
but then,

He asked me out,
and I told him sure,
but he had to keep it quite,
the second time he kissed me,
he tried to shove his tongue down my throat,
and I almost gagged,
I was so embarrassed by it,

but eventually my brother found out,
and didn't trust me ever again,
to talk to any of his friends,
and eventually me and the kid broke up,
but I still see him from time to time now.
and he still like to make me gag on his tongue.

I walked into a high school,
with one friend,
the only friend I made in elementary school,
who stayed my friend.

My mommy Doesn't like her,

I walked into a high school,
and my only friends older sister,
who felt like my sister too,
Passed away,

the school didn't care that we all cried,

I walked into a high school,
and I tried to make other friends,
and a kid got ******,
and he stole my phone,

the police did nothing to him like the school and he later ***** a girl,

I walked into a high school,
going into a program with high hopes,
only for them to get shattered by those who didn't wanna deal with me,
because people didn't get things related to ADHD,

and I wanted to drop out,

I walked into high school,
and skipped the class,
after the one where the teacher and students all harrassed,
me,

because when I reported it, it was their word against mine,

I walked into high school,
and I talked to the teacher who would harass me,
and tried to make him understand me,
understand how I can't do things like everyone else can,

and he made me head banana masher and then I puked,

I walked into high school,
and Skipped that class for the first time ever,
because the teacher made me *****,
be he was absent that day,

and I got in trouble for skipping and "lying about the incidence"

I walked into high school,
and skipped my classes,
and cried in the bathroom,
and cut myself,

because I couldn't handle my panic attacks,

I walked into high school,
trying so hard to make some sort of friends,
and they yelled at me every time I ******* smiled,
because they didn't want to allow me to be happy,

The school wouldn't let me have friends,

I walked into high school,
and tried to hangout with people after school,
and they just yelled at me,
made up lie about where I was supposed to be,

They tried to get more mom mad at me,

I walked into high school,
oblivious to what love,
***,
or abuse was,

and the boy I was seeing ***** me,

I walked into high school,
on the final day of freshman year,
to take my final so i could get the **** out of there,
and they harassed me the entire exam period.

they said things of confidentiality,

I walked into high school,
and everyday I left in tear,
with a scarred body,
and nothing but fear,

and they expect me to wanna come back the following year?

I don't expect someone to take a bullet for me,
But I expect a friend to pull the trigger.

I hold in all my sorrows,
and listen to people ****** whine,

you're having a hard time,
but I'm begging my whole body to stop the urge to cry.

and you put me down,
and my eyes tear up,

This is why I shut everyone out,
this is why I cried,

all alone,
by myself,

I've daydreamed of my burial day,
I've thought about,
who I want to come,
If anyone would come,
and you understand,
if you've been on death's end before,

but if what's more important,
or adequate,
is the music performed,
then we get our ends,

and as the soulless bodies glance down,
as I'm buried in,
there will be a concert,
I'll hear,
six feet underground.

I will,
Just
hear,
Sound.


*R.I.P.

My film class,
Is my favorite class

and the class I hate the most,

I love film,
I have a passion for this art,

this medium,

this class is my soul and bodies passion,
and like a job,

like my job,

it fits me,
but like all jobs,

there's things that just ******* ****.

and it's not over the normal things,
like time and money,

its the people you work with,

or in my case,
my class,

and they are all *****,

when someone makes it their point,
to upset you and hurt you everyday,

because finally you are good at something,

when you **** at science,
and allowed your math skills to fall behind,

your life is filled with lies and you find,

a reason to live,
worth all your effort and time

but the same people calling you stupid and dumb and a **** up,

in math and science,
are in this film class,

forced to take a smile,

and sarcastically say,
"good job,"

when your film gets played in class,

and even when you ask,
no one give you advice like you give when asked,

and every frame seen on the projected screen,

gives me anxiety,
and the rude, unhelpful reminders from my bullies,

don't ******* help me,

when I want to run out of my favorite class daily,
and scream  in all their faces,

"*******"

"for once..."
but I don't

I sit,

I bit skin off skinless lips,
hold back tears,

the urge to leave,

take all my insults
that are directed at me,

with a head tilted down fake half smile,

when they should be directed to my film,
but everyday, I do get to say;

*******,

because this year,
I make it to all my classes,

even the next one,

history.
period 11/12

with my dignity

One,
don't let them become your everything,
or whole world.

I turn to say hello to you,
and you to away,

I turn to say hello to them,
they look the other way,

I try to say something, to anyone,
as everyone has gone away,

Googleing your hello poetry name, and typing the word poem's after it,
I only found this out when a friend of mine,
typed in,
Cat Fiske ****,
and my name came up with my hp links
and in the images I was the first three and my **** poem was one of them,
this is kinda funny I hope u all try it.

but example:
Id type:
Cat Fiske Poems

and all my stuff would come up, the more you do the more that shows up in the images and on googles. and your followers pics come up too. I find that cool as well.

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

You read my battle,
off the scars on my arm,
you seek a remedy,
to help you get along.

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I gave you advice,
you never used,
no matter what I tried,
you got worse and worse,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

you stopped sleeping,
stopped eating,
stopped living,
I felt your pain and it was killing me,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I looked at you,
and saw my past,
every time,
you would over react,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I had to do something,
but couldn't alone,
I wrote it all down,
and turned to an adult,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

you got some help,
I passed my mission,
or so I thought,
until it was all for attention,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

You lied to me,
and reported me for harassment,
after all the nights,
I tried to help you with your depression,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I couldn't of lived with myself,
if something had happened,
I told people!
when really your hospital bracelets told everyone.

So now I'm falling deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

My world is coming down around me,
all because I tried to be a good person,
do the right thing,
now this is all on me,

I fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I'm trapped and scared,
now everyone hates me,
the darkness is back,
and it seems to have trapped me.

I fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

Its closing in on me,
my thoughts are dark,
I'm still trying,
to shut off my heart.

I have no sense of pride
when I wake up each morning
to get ready for school.
I do not wish to be here;
not because
I just don’t want to go to school
like most kids,
It’s because I myself
and so many others
have felt what it feels
to be victims here inside these schools.

When you're a victim
you face a fear of similar acts
repeating again,
it's like waking up
and expecting someone to punch you
and knowing you can avoid it.
school is like the punch,
and we show up each day,
waiting for the punch
to strike us down,

we could avoid it
by not showing up,
but we have to show up,
so there's no way out
of the fear.
When you're a victim
of verbal abuse
you never know when it's going to strike,

when someone speaks to you
you're left on edge all the time,
when it happens due to
staff and students
nothing seems safe anymore.
You lose your trust,
you lose your friends
you lose your freedom of safety.

Sadly, most of the time
when someone becomes a victim
of verbal abuse,
the teachers causes it to occur
for two reason;
the first,
because they allow it to happen
and second
the worst
they do it themselves
to the students.

In the classroom
you're there to learn.
No wonder students
have picked-up it's allowed
to put down someone
for being different in any way.
If we learn from our teachers,
and they have taught their students
it's okay to put others down,
how do you blame the students then?

How can you blame students
for learning how to harass a kid
if a teacher single handedly
gave them permission?
When they were being mentored in
the act of putting down,  
instead of raising someone
who was a little weaker up?

How can you undo the damage
put onto the victims
who no longer want to walk into school
but still do each and everyday
because
they have to?
How can you deny a kid
their right to sit in guidance
instead of go to that class
when they are being mistreated
and harassed?

How can you Punish these kids
with detentions
when they have been through worse punishment
than you have the power to give out
with a yellow slip?
When they all say
“it's my word against an adults”
when I’ve heard
the same cries and tears
poor out of girls and boys
who hate it here
because they feel their voices
are unheard,

there issue has never been handled right.
“I reported the teacher
and it's like nothing happened
and only made my time
in that class worse”
“They told me I can't
report the teacher
and I have to report
the students,
How do I report
almost all my class?
someone or probably everyone
will give me a problem
when they get back?”
How do you honestly solve that?

You can’t fix the damage that has been done.
The faculty here
has put students
against students
while they sit back for their amusement,
its sickening
that we allow schools
to partake into such crimes,
To allow Faculty
to insult individual students,
based on their biased opinions
on their Ethnicity,
Religion,
Gender,
and Disabilities.
This is considered a Hate Crime.

Schools Supporting Hate Crimes
and doing absolutely nothing
but skating around the issue
as if that will stop
the appalling act
from happening.
Fooling Around,
to Teasing,
to Playful Jokes,
to Hurtful Ones,
To Insulting Ones considering to be bullying,
Than lead to the start of Harassment,
and Verbal abuse of an individual,
That Can From there,
only move forward
unless the victim is removed
from the environment,
to becoming a Hate Crime.

you have my heart,
you left,
so,
give it* 
**back.

today I wear my little pride,
under the skin of my chest,
trying to let today be as good as it can get,

my what seems to be worst fears,
I have gotten through today,
and I am off guard when his close friend comes over to me,

he tells me how he has not shut up about me all summer,
he tells me how he wants to know what's going on with me,
and I'm frozen because of the words someone who's barely my friend,

has just told me,
things that remind me that there are other things that scare me,
other things that really will hurt me,

and even though those things are really bad for me,
I cant help but keep hoping,
he will talk to me,

I loved him
because I couldn't love myself,

I loved him
because he was showing me how to love me,

I loved him,
because he knew the me no one else could see,

I loved him
because he saw me, for me, and no one else's reflection

I loved him
because he pulled me out into the sunshine I was missing out on,

I loved him
because he watches me recover and helps me get though,

I loved him
because he remembered my eyes were brown and not blue,

I loved him
because his hair was the long hair I didn't have,

I loved him
because I played with the hair while I sobbed on his shoulders,

I loved him
because I cried and he comforted me, when I upset him and me,

I loved him
because he never got angry with me

I loved him
because he never threatened me for ****** needs,

I loved him
because he took things at my pace,

I loved him,
because he never raised his open or closed hand,

I love him,
because I feel safe.

I want to be loved,
more than you feel unloved,
more then I tell you daily,
I love you sweetie,
Love you more then I want you,
to just love me,
and feel my love surround you,
hold you,
and have you hold me,
but you don't
you walk the otherway free,
and leave me in a cell,
and you come and go as you please,
and when you do visit me,
it's like a cell block tango of emotions,
as if you throw me behind bars,
untouched,
unloved,
by you,
when I just want you to,
hold me.