Smoking until struggles fade to black
Leave for awhile but always come back
To the dust collected in my nooks
Heard by crannies between books

I fear none of problems non-existent replies
The gaze from inanimate objects eyes
Control the balance of my silent possessions
They swirl in the wake of my useless expressions

I stand firm amidst the hum of talking nothingness
My hands like swords in my confessed stress
World is small
Yet this planet so large
My fight I falter as troubles barge

No orders conquer my will to go on
Am a survivor of each passing dawn
Home is battlefield in which I slumber
My skills adapt and grow in number

They are put to test by life's curveballs
Believe in what is at the top of these walls
Waving freedom with my face in the mud
Death nobly boiling in my blood

As I try to improve presence bit by bit
Rings distant from where I sit
I continue forth hoping better is what tomorrow will be
No way to tell
I guess I'll have to wait and see

Do I push your hearts pieces around?
Or just push you away?
I say in times of stubborn spite
Always how I feel each day

Out of mind without you
Needing to get back inside
Smile halts me in my tracks
I can guess the reason its wide

I try granting your wishes
Reveal your greatest desire
Want to see your dreams come true
I then can set each one on fire

My heart is throbbing for you
In time to your pulses rhythm
I leave you in ashes
To blow away narcissism

I am on a path of destruction
Falling into a villains role
I'm sick of murdering hearts
Harshly digging hole after hole

Please save yourself from harm
Go as far as you can
Do not stop until you reach a place
With plenty space between hands

You deserve to have somebody there
Each time you need a hug
To light darkness inside you
The fears that often tug

You are more than a plaything
Why do I treat you as such?
To those watching from the outside
You are a toy within my clutch

One hand grasping your hopes and goals
The other holding confessions
Touch so cold emotions start freezing
Begin to seperate possessions

Somehow I don't feel like I once did
It's beyond understanding
We switched positions stealthily
Now in your place I am standing

Watch me pick pieces
Cardiac geometry
Repair rut you ripped

How come all my best and worst nights
Lead straight to you?
Impacting every moment had
With small things you do.

You have stood behind me proud as I
Won or lost battles and fought wars
Made special memories brighter
Just calling me yours.

You've also been the reason
I've been tempted by suicide
You've witnessed darkest parts
My worst and stayed by my side.

You've taught the most painful lessons
But also showed beauty they hold
Warmed long Winter days
Struck my heart with touch so cold.

You have been the villian of my story
Far more than hero
Brought me higher than birds fly
Then right back to zero.

Some of the best nights had
Happened solely thanks to you
You made good days great
Better than you knew.

Although you have bestowed infinite pain
Hurt me in ways I knew not existed
I adore the hand holding the knife
You buried in my back and twisted.

How are you my favorite person
When I hate the things you have done?
You are soulmate, colleague, enemy, lover,
Rival, best friend, partner, foe, all rolled into one.

I would like to figure out why I was blessed

With the talent I write my words with

But that is impossible to answer

Not impossible like "how?"
But a close second

My rhymes may never be important

As paying taxes owed

So I will do my thing over here not expecting a thing in return

I am disgusted with myself
Under a disappointed stare
The agony clear and palpable
As it courses through open air

I cannot change the deeds I've done
Unspeak the weighty lies I told
I work towards a better future
To prove trust is something I can uphold

The idea of you wondering
If I am not who I am
Keeps me enveloped in fear
Words barricaded in a tricky dam

Together we can tear down obstacles
Defeat shadows and doubt
One by one I will fix the problems
We have been fighting about

My ghouls are running wild, exposed
By the knife plunged into your heart
I long to have you in close proximity
Yet keep tearing your love apart

I already know what you're going to say,
"I love you, how could you just walk away? "
And because im not quite sure of how i should reply,
I kiss you on the forehead and whisper "Goodbye".

You broke me into millions of little pieces

I am never going to be even close to who I was before

We both tried putting me back together

But I am missing too many to hold my guts inside

I hate myself for blindly believing
Every word you said
For following you unquestionably
Eagerly going where I was led

I hate myself for my naivete
Thinking that you would stay
Never saw your true intentions
Now they're as clear as day

I hate myself for foolishly trusting you
Giving you all of my heart
Never should have depended on you
When I was breaking apart

I hate the way I easily let you in
Watched you rip me in two
Most of all I hate myself for
Falling in love with you

I can't take the pressure and stress
Year after year, mess after mess
Giving less than my best, in constant distress
I'm looking for a relationship not just ***
I search for someone who isn't impressed
By checks and material objects
Who would rather talk in person not on the phone or text
I'm going to give up now unless
Silence is broken, it's not so I guess
I have to get used to this loneliness
I feel ill if I talk to myself for too long
So instead I fill the silence with song
If you are Mr. Right why are you always wrong?
I guess it is time for us to move on
Watching you break while I remain strong
Stomping your feelings but you walked upon
My feelings first, now it's dawn
I'm wrapped in the memory of how it feels to belong
Alone so I grow clingy, wish I knew how to prolong
This relationship til someone new comes along
I am too needy, you're too withdrawn
If it could have worked I wouldn't be singing this song
We need to let go, no point holding on
The love we took for granted is already gone.

HOOK:
If happiness finds a way to your door
That knock I hope you will not ignore
I am rooting for you to win and succeed
I may be what you want but not who you need.

I look into your eyes, I know we were meant to be
We weren't meant to stay together, that's the catch you see
I was made for you, and you for me
For who we were during those moments, not infinity
Our love wasn't a mirage because it was temporary
We grew into two new human beings
Who could never decide so we'd disagree
I no longer call you baby
I'm not the same girl you fell for anymore
That foolish child walked out the door
We wish we could be who we were before
Two teenagers excited to learn and explore
Our issues were easy to ignore
We left them to rot on the bathroom floor
We didn't notice now we both are transformed
All the way down inside our cores
Hopelessness has my heart sore
Love is not supposed to feel like a chore
We hate the one we used to adore
We can't make eachother happy, what we try for?
I love you but I realized I need something more.

HOOK

I love you, this will not work,
Because distance between sets us apart,
Pulls me further every day,
Adoration disappearing, fading from my heart.

You tumble into deep ditches,
Space and time lose meaning,
Dark night moving around,
Through blackness, senses careening.

So fragile are paper hearts,
Weightless in palms, we cry,
Extremely sad to let go
But sit here with head held high.

Reminiscing all you've shown me,
Past lust and lessons learned,
Is time the culprit stealing our laughter?
When did tables turn?

Years passed in a moment,
The fun once had fled,
Have to wonder where it ran off to,
It no longer lives in our bed.

It does not really make sense to me,
If you are wrong for me what's right?
If I'm not supposed to be thinking about you
Why are you in my head night after night?

I am sick of your degrading
Constant constricting critique
You take criticism way too far
Tired of the negative words you speak

So stand there in your self-righteous glow
Throw ugly insults in a slur
The burning words you know I despise
That I am a little too much like her..

My mind is lost I can't find it,
I've searched the world high and low,
Wandered mountains and valleys,
Dragging my feet with my heart in tow.

But it's nowhere to be found,
I've looked in every single place,
Located on any map,
It vanished without a trace.

How long will I survive without it?
Every day feels like forever,
I keep asking when it will come back,
But I know the answer is never.

I no longer dream of your face,
Or your voice, I wish I could,
With nothing inside of my head,
I can't remember things I should.

I'll continue to comb the earth,
Hunting for my mind I roam,
Hoping that one day it will appear,
Finally ready to come back home.

Trying to keep numb
By words soft and sweet
Thought I was in control but I'm not
Fact:
I'm swept off my feet

I feel temptation creeping
I don't know how to make it stop
This is what I deserve
Heart spinning like a top

I am tired of fighting the feelings
The truth in my gut
Face not the easiest to read
My written words betray what's shut

Eating my cold composure
Barriers in my mind
Any second will be consumed
Too much love declined

My confused body might collapse and cave
Toxic with desire
Skies blue through foolish eyes
Underneath lay brimstone and fire

Our souls made to come together
Rip apart as we tragically fall
Loving is beautiful but I'd rather
Escape pain and feel nothing at all

*** with you is so much more
Than skin on skin between the covers
When we collide I understand
What it truly means to be lovers

I am broken without a doubt
Something necessary not switching on
Destroyed my heart, wrecked my brain,
Now every ounce of hope is gone

I thought I had managed to fix myself
It only lasted so many days
My chest opened right back up
Organs in a state of decay

Slowly killed by chaos within
Feel lucky to have made it this far
The brink of unawareness
Healing wounds into scars

I am a survivor of heartbreak
Pretend my injuries are repaired
For no apparent reason other than
In case an observer stares

I am a little chipped, a bit bent,
Scared I'll completely shatter
Keep waiting for someone to show me
My ugly parts do not matter

That I am cracked but still magnificent
Imperfect, yet someone's first choice
Scrapes on self-esteem and knees
Will not change lungs or the sound of my voice

Mind racing my body
Palms sweaty from the exercise
Heart pounding, pulse sped up,
Suffocating fears become larger in size

The marks on my body do not make me weak
Regardless of what you may think
They are reminders of my strength on days
I stayed afloat; it was easier to sink

I've tried permanently mending
A thousand sampled antidotes
In my attempts to soothe with medication
Just keep layering on the coats

Sometimes when I am really hurting
Words held back break loose
Each falling out of my brain and landing
On paper eases years of abuse

But it is hard to explain how I truly feel
I'm drowning in a sea of grey
Numb myself, halt my fears,
You're done with efforts to make me stay

I am breaking your
heart in two. At the same time
I break mine as well.

Love you but it hurts like Hell
To see what I do to you
Since the moment we met it seems
Your life has crumbled, fallen through.

Can tell you don't want to blame me
For problems that have risen
What other explanation is there
How we ended up in this position?

Not sure where I led you astray
But amidst dazed conversations
We got lost, wandered off the path
Into a forest of fazing situations.

One catastrophe after the next
Round in circles we run
Lightning strikes, vengeance proud
Each time we think we are done.

Don't know what I did to cause
Pause in progress to your goals
You are falling in *****-traps
Don't remember digging any holes.

Careless steps have consequences
Put fences in your tracks
Unwittingly tackled defenses
Attacks leaving dents on your back.

My smile is weapon of choice
Clearly broken but bear arms
Friends don't think I possess enough strength
My blows do not cause you harm.

Once upon a time we had magic
Holding onto lovestruck days
Holding something quickly fading
Chilled fingertips can hardly graze.

Doubt haunts my every move
Cools the fire which burned so strong
Instinct telling me to run
The picture before me is wrong.

Misguided, confused, questioning everything
More hopeless each troubling day
Broken, insecure, misery loves company
Will I stop painting your skies grey?

I failed in so many inconsiderate ways
A destroyer of all things good
In this prison I know as my life
Regretting decisions I should.

See you stumble on my flaws
Don't know why you stay with me
Think of how much I've  worsened your world
Our future black with all we can't be.

Want you to be happy so I hide that I'm not
Think something is wrong with me
It is unfair to close off my dark side from you
Hands have done deeds I don't want you to see

I know I cannot live this charade forever
Emotions inside begging to be let outdoors
It is tough to wear a smile when it isn't how I feel
I do it so you do not lose yours

I am feeling so anxious now
I ponder what the future holds
All I can do is sit here
And watch as our story unfolds

I'm hoping for the very best
Yet the worst is what I fear
The days ahead loom long before us
At the same time they are so near

I lose myself in my worry and
The ticking clock in the waiting room
I'm not prepared. Is anyone
ever ready to face sudden doom?

Your labored breath the solitary sound
You continue to strive for perfection
Not knowing why you are not good enough
Where you drove off my affection

Going crazy chasing changing answers
Cursing past mistakes large and small
Violently flailing out of vindictive frustration
Wondering if I even love you at all

Thought you to be a reasonable guy
I am looking for that face
Focusing on how wrong I must be
As I deliver the coup de grace

Your instinct is fighting with logic
See your strength go weak
Hidden emotion weighing shoulders
Shut your eyes and do not speak

My heart caves in, I take your hand,
All the time taken from you
It is too late to return it
Together the months we break in two

Words cannot mend or explain
Tried ways to make you understand
Slowly truth seeping through
Pain I inflicted was never planned

As I sit with ice inside my bones
Love between us all but ceases
I am forced to carry the guilt of leaving you
Your life in a million shattered pieces

Im drifting through each day with ease,
The world has taken on a new shade,
and every part of me agrees,
With the brighter outlook on life I've made.

No longer am i troubled by,
Trivial episodes of doubt,
And although sometimes I still cry,
It is only to let the sadness out.

My cares lay just underground,
Waiting and wanting to reappear,
I push them away,  but when youre around,
All my worries seem to disappear.

Ill offer courage in my embrace,
As long as you stay here awhile,
Because before I saw your face,
It was never this easy to smile.

There is no other
Rush like the one I get from
The smell of your skin

The sun does not set
When euphoria rises
In our little world