In silence I suffer, drowning.
Losing the fight, falling.
On the surface, calm.
To everyone else, happy.
Beneath it all, hurting.
They know I'm lying, breaking.
I want you to see I'm okay, even if I'm not.
That way things'll be better, even if they're not.
Convince myself over and over, even if I don't believe it.
Tell myself everything will work out fine, even if I don't believe it.
I'm fine, no I'm not
I'm happy, no I'm not
I'm grateful, no I'm not
I don't accept this, yes you do
I hate you for this, no you don't
I don't blame myself, yes you do

*I do not know anymore, only when I think about how I am okay, do I stop feeling okay. Perhaps I need to just not think about it at all*

nothing more than a stranger
living in my home,
nothing more than a man
who i wouldn't dare trust again.
you father,
you have ripped me to shreds
and altered my view of people.
no amount of "sweethearts"
will wash away the ugly words
you once spoke to me.
your constant "i'm sorry"
has lost all meaning,
the damage is done.
thank you father
for being the first to teach me
that people are double sided,
the first to teach me not to trust,
and the first to teach me
to stop giving out more chances.
you taught me,
time and time again
that people do not change.
so thank you for the lessons, father.

Ollie Jan 4

I don’t want to die because I’m sad
because I wouldn’t say that i’m sad.
I’d say I’m depressed.
Being depressed is so much more than sadness.
Being depressed means not wanting to get out of bed
not wanting to be around people
being scared all the time
worrying when there’s nothing to worry about,
and above all, being tired.
Everything that happens make you tired.
Getting up and getting dressed takes half your energy and making it to work on time?
Forget it.
you've lost yourself

this is part of the book i'm writing
hayley robertson Dec 2017

I’m sorry
I don’t know what was your fault
or what was mine
And I don’t know why at the time I acted the way I did because I was definitely at fault
But all I know is I’m asking for forgiveness
I crave forgiveness
I need forgiveness just as I need to breathe

I’m not sure if you feel the same way
And I don’t know if I’ll ever know
Oh the wonder
So I’m writing this in case you stumble over it one day
Oh the anticipation

I need my friend back
A friendship was broken on that day along with many things
But most importantly a friendship
And I have been searching and seeking for something that will fulfill that position of a best friend and nothing has come along
Nothing is good enough

I just need my friend back
Someone to talk to at the end of the day
But that was ruined and for that I need to say I’m sorry

Once upon a time, you had a knight.
He protected you, day and night.
Strong, kind and as charming as the moonlight.
Your best intentions, never left his sight.
Once upon this time, you have a mistake.
He did all he could, to ensure your heartbreak.
Cold, unnerving and as conceited as a snake.
Your best intentions, left far in his wake.

Yep, people change.
Sorry I'm not the man I used to be...
Whisper Yes Nov 2017

it's when the sun goes down
and the end of the day approaches
that she wants nothing more
than to be cosy on your couch
tucked up under a blanket
whilst you do your thing
sitting crossed legged on your kitchen counter
chatting breeze whilst you cook onion rings
when you come lay with her on the magic couch
take off happens
she’s transported
exquisite peace and happiness
kitten curled up on the heater with a belly full of cream, utterly safe, utterly content
at peace with the world
no where she'd rather be

sun down, the time now, is when she struggles
her being reaches out into the night for you
despite these feelings rising and falling
she’s digging deep
learning to stay with herself
hold herself
it's not the same
she can't pretend it is

she's aware enough to see the dark gift
she needed to be alone
to learn to not be afraid of the dark
but the truth is
she’s not built for alone
she’s destined to be the kitten who got the cream
curled up beside you on the magic couch
paw to paw
ready for take off

Whisper Yes Nov 2017

It played with her
It would whisper
That there was someone else who could understand her more completely
Talk deeper
Make love slower
This illusion has been shattered
And the painful beautiful truth is finally shining through

Whisper Yes Nov 2017

I choose to wait and allow my love for you its full term
I choose to wait before jumping into the arms of the next great distraction
I choose to be the person I would want to be with

Whisper Yes Nov 2017

It's you my soul feels home with
Behind ego's dysfunctional patterns
It's you my heart rests easy with

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