Black and white movies
play behind us
As I make you question
The whole damn world.
Mind fuck
Is what you call my theories,
My stories,
My questions,
My answers.
“Is that bad?”
I ask you. You
tell me I never could tell
when you were interested
or were telling me it was bad.
I suppose you’re right.
Babe,
you ask later,
as I read,
and you watch the movie,
what is the quadratic formula?
I don’t look up
but I can feel
that damn near perfect smile.
You always do this,
ask me random questions
that aren’t useful anymore
at not least to us.
So I recite it.
And you laugh.
And I laugh.
And we continue being together
Doing different.
You ask me several more
Over the course of the movies and books.
What is flash fiction?
What is life?
What is meth made from?
Do you know that Mark Twain novel—?
Yes, I love your questions.
I love you.
Babe,
you say,
What is love?
I don’t respond.
I want to say another
dictionary definition
but it doesn’t come out.
“Mind fuck,” I say.
Drink her words up,
They make you forget you’re forging
A fire deep in your soul
Burning you alive.
Her mind
is stronger than her words,
so let that burn
in the back of your throat,
As it goes in your system.
Her words intoxicate me.
I wish I was her world
Her everything.
I wish I was that coffee cup
That get the pleasure of touching her lips
every morning
I wish
She was mine.
Like the movies in my cabinet,
Except I would watch her
even when I’m not sad.
Another
movie plays.
The boy
kisses the girl,
I imagine myself as the boy,
I imagine her as the girl.
I imagine her
As mine.
Is it possible for her to love me?
I have tried many ways to think of her but
Astronomy was the only way I could write on.
I've tried to comfort her out of despair, but
I couldn't find the words to take her out of pain.
When I heard he made her cry,
I wanted to take the pain out of her,
put them into his face and my fists as
I hit him into the oblivion space we know space to be, and
him see the stars closer than any telescope had seen.
I wouldn't mind being in pain for a little while so
the sun could dry her tears,
she was trying so hard to hide.
Would it be so terrible for me to remind her
how the stars bowed in her presence?
Would It be so terrible for me to show her
nobody sees the stars
and the beauty of night anymore
because they are afraid of her
and the beauty she brings?
I too scared to ask if she knows
how you left her after class
to scream at the universe for
making her believe
she was anything less,
than the closest thing to perfection
the universe has to offer. Does she
know how you've collected books of
nebulas in your heads that show when
she decides to laugh? Does she know
you how hard this is for you, to sit here
and smile and joke like your heart
doesn't break with hers as you see her
in a pain deeper than imaginable and you
know it. It spans across all universes and expands
further than your love of poetry and your longing to
hug her and tell her it's going to be okay, but
you know that's not true,
and you can never make that true.
So you sit here,
and write a love poem never to be read,
because that means something would die inside you
or her
if you shared how much of the universe you could give to her
how much of the universe
and the stars
and the planets
and the comets
and meteors
you could shower her with
if she knew how beautiful she was....
I am reaching out for you. I reach to the deep corners of my heart where the darkness begins by its shadows cover; where there was a small hole from the first woman I loved.
I'm reaching to pull the arrow that grown baby in the diaper shot me in the bum with,
I'm reaching for where he's missed and shot and left scars is big as that gaping hole in my heart that Never seemed to heal correctly.
I'm reaching. I'm reaching for the day I saw you in that wheelchair my first day of marching band and someone said we'd be a cute couple of shorties.
I'm reaching for the day I switched seats and you were directly across my black eyes and I could feel my pupils dilate at least 45 percent.
Oh god this is amazing.
I'm reaching into the corners of my mind where I keep my biggest secrets and I'm reaching for you.
i watch people throw those three words
around like they're nothing but decoration.
'i love you' spilling out in the middle of the night,
instead of 'thank you for listening'.
'i love you' instead of 'i like us',
because nobody wants to feel unloved,
and nobody wants to admit they're afraid
of being alone, of being forgotten.
so he says those words to her, trusting
that when she says them back, she'll mean them.
it seems that he hopes that when he says those words,
that she'll stay; that she'll continue to love him.
but what if, in the end, we're all lying?
what if we're all pinning those words in hopes,
hopes that they will stay, and we plaster on a smile,
hoping that they can love us, as we need.
broken and left behind, we pin our hopes
onto those three little words and we listen intently
for them to be said back. we seem to trust, all too much,
in the shared words.
but, when we find out that things won't work,
and the relationship crumbles, we struggle to be okay.
we lose the hope that someone can love us as we need,
we lose the hope that we can love as someone else needs.
You’ve traveled to the corners of my mind and into my deepest thoughts.
I never thought anyone would make it that far without ever touching me.
You’ve blushed at the way I put these words together, and
trust me, if you let me keep this up it can go on forever.
And I don’t mean forever as we’ll be together
forever
because I know for a fact
the statistics about high school couples,
I looked them up. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous.
Perhaps I’m thinking too far ahead, because you haven’t even
asked me on a date yet and I’m thinking of you past friendly,
going to poetry written about you,
talk about hitting on you like you were my woman crush Wednesday
but I can't anymore,
You're my woman crush everyday.
I listen to love poems as if they were meant for me and you and
golly gee if I could,
I’d paint a thousand portraits,
take up my whole SD card in my camera,
Just so you see your beauty in my eyes
Dye my hair into your favorite color
because it puts me closer to you.
I hardly feel lonely anymore.
You’re in the shadows of my poetry, the goal for 2018,
I can’t wait to get honor roll so you can give me that hug and say
you’re proud, because that’s all the motivation I need.
And can I just say,
my medication alters my mood, but it never alters it enough for me to forget what makes me happy naturally,
what makes me smile when I can’t seem to do it myself; will you be my
daily dose of prozac?
Doctors prescribed 50 ml grams a day but 50 minutes a day hearing you say my name is good enough too.
You’ve gotten me down to a science.
I sutter thinking about you asking me on a date and you
blush at me telling you the truth;
what does that tell us about our past lovers?
Is it alright I see you covered in a sweet truth over romanticized by my words?
Is it alright I say your name like Christians talk about Jesus and hope on our seventh day we create passion?
Jesus Christ,
if you were a word,
you’d be whatever means indescribable feeling between two people;
if you were a song I’d like you to be My Girl,
if I were a ship I’d be the love boat
because I’m making another round tonight and you are welcome aboard, you are always welcome
because I am in trouble & you like that.
You love me being in this kind of trouble.
To you, it means I’m already yours.
I like you already but
if you let me I could fall in
deep, deep liking
for you.
I need you to stop doing whatever it is you are, because if you don’t, one of us will mess around and fall in love.
How do I love you? In word, in deed, in thought, in speech? How do I say I love you when the depth and height of Your Love can never be reached? I say I love you, but sometimes my actions don't match. If I want to truly love and follow you, there is a catch. I must crucify my sin to the Cross of Christ and rise with Him to new abundant life! My Jesus, how much you love me! You took the wages of sin (death) and paid in full so I could live. I can't repay the gift you give, but I can show my gratitude in the way that I live. God, I want to fall in love with you more each day. Make my heart beat for you alone. How do I love you? I love you by loving all I encounter and loving myself, by treating all with dignity and respect Help me see through your eyes of love. Your love is a fire in my heart, a song on my lips and the light in my eyes. I know that you love me, but I ask for the grace to understand ever more deeply and ever more powerfully your endless love for me! How DO you love me Lord? How you DO love me!