I want to love you
like I've never loved before
but I've loved you yesterday.

And beneath these sheets
I know I've loved you for years

But we met tomorrow.
And maybe,
when our bones
start humming at the same speed
we will wallow together

and our skins will stick together
and our tears will sting together.

We will love tomorrow
and Wednesday.
I will put on your socks
and my shoes
and we will love.

Because beneath these sheets
we are one.

Covered in these white waves,
Welcome home.

Unfulfilled and filling
I am a bucket with the smallest hole.
A drain half clogged
We are bogged down
boats
wondering why we didn’t
remember
that the water’s shallow here.
And here lies the swallowed
words on the wayside.
The shivering, wavering
night skies.
He who lies
is also he who fixed the smallest hole.
On my inside.

your body
mirrors mine
your soul
is that of
a girl i’ve known
since i was 10 years old
you are
where the grass
is green
you are who
i drown in
you are where i feel
like me
we are far from holy

hold me
tighter
scratching love letters
down my back
and whispering
down my neck
hallelujah

who needs amen?
breathe in
all the love
& lose the fear
& remember
that bullets pass
right through you.
& your heart beats
for women
like me
& your
gunshot holes
resemble everyone you’ve lost
since you were 10 years old

let me
fill those holes
with the marrow in
my bones
hold me
close
dig nails
into my palms
Dear God
don’t let me go

Excuse me while I scream
your name
Swallowing syllables the wrong way.
Choking.

Excuse me while I bite my lip and
bruise ******.
Nip my tongue.
Break my wrist.
Fighting with soft fists,
fleeing.

Excuse me while I stop, drop,
sit and wait.
Lie low. Ladylike.

The fire's lost sometimes,
deep within my ribs.
Excuse me, it's difficult to dig there.

I am not a truster

I don't believe
that everyone will do it right.
That everyone won't
hold my heart
too tight.

I don't want a heart
turned harsh
bright white
by fingertips, that squeezed
for just one night.

You're not everyone
You're a kite.
You love my heart
and you love it
just right.

With your left hand
You lift me.
I take flight.
Because you, my love.
You bring me light.

If I could guess
It's been a minute
Since I thought about her.
Sixty seconds since
Her arms were
Wrapped up in my mind.

If I could guess
It's been a few days
Since she thought about me.
And I was far
From intertwined

We can't make them uncomfortable
We can't make them feel weird
Because my boyfriend
Has *******.
Because my "boyfriend"
Is a woman.

We cannot make them uncomfortable
Those around us
While we subtly hold hands,
pulling away if anyone's gaze looks
a bit too intense
a bit too uncomfortable

You know what's *******
uncomfortable?
Just wanting a kiss on the cheek
but getting a slap on the wrist
by a bible belt stare
Because I
am in love.
With a woman.

You take my breath away
and I exhale
all the pain I have ever
felt.

I gasp
and pull through my lungs
all the love
and the world
you could hold.

I bet
In your arms
I could fly.

I am not afraid to drown in you
Because a death
sinking into your love
would be extravagant

Please fall for me
As I fell for you
As the autumn time
turned to winter blue
And your cheeks were pink
When I fell for you
Over coffee
Leaning over a table
for two
Please, my love
Fall for me...  
As I have,
Everyday,
fallen for you.

I have before criticized the English language
But the lack of dialogue I can muster
to express the depth of my thoughts...
That's my fault.

I have not settled deep enough.
Somewhere between my heart and my soul
to find a way to elaborate on what I know.
That's my fault.

I promise to dive deeper.

It's just a house
on four posts
that managed to encase
my heart in it
and lock it up
with the key.

It's just a house
that got swallowed
and my heart went with it.
Locked up and lost
into the sea.

Do you bleed when you write?
When your fingertips
get sore and your muscles
get tight
Do you bleed?
From your heart?
With each beat comes a new
line
and you hope that it sounds like something
that doesn't quite rhyme
But it sounds good in time.
It'll sound good in time.
Just keep writing.


Keep bleeding.

Have you ever fallen in love?
It feels like you're starving
and so full
of light.

Like you're dying
but you're living
inside.

Thank God,
I found My One
That night.

I feel off
Like there is something missing
Between my skin and my soul and my heart and my teeth.
It hurts a little -
Like the cold does.

I am shivering.
My bones feel fragile -
Not like they could break but like they could just melt into nothing.
Maybe I want them to.

I am weak.
My eyes beg to not be forced
to stay open any longer
But the dark makes it hard to speak.

I don't want to talk anymore about anything to anyone.
But I am dying
of silence.
I am dying
of heartache.
I am dying
of me.

I'm sorry.
If that's what I'm supposed to be.
My mother always told me
I need to increase
My humility.

I'm sorry.
Truly painfully.
But I'm stubborn
and can't afford
to be
small.

Because my ego is
built like a house
That I live in
and breathe for.
I worked
for this house.
For this roof that covers my head
and no one else's.

Look,
I'm sorry.

Passionately.
For who I know
and who I do not know
how to be.
**** me.
I'm Sorry.

I have sunsets on my cheeks.
Blushing roses
and pinks.
I have flowers in my hair.
Blooming,
growing with me.
I am a wanderer
around my life.
Navigating
who I am
and who I want to be .
I wonder what
the seed of the maple knew
Before he was told
to be a tree.

You'd grip
my thighs with your fist
and your words

and you'd tell me
I wouldn't be
me
without you.

I listened
as you reminded me
that I was nothing
but your girl.

And you'd promise me
that you would
save me.

You owned my body
my heart
my future
and my mind.

But today I hope
you curl your fist
and choke on your old words
because now I am
Everything
Without you.

I wish it were for attention
or an accident
or a phase.
It would be easier that way.
Maybe then
I wouldn't be scared
to love what I love
Who I love.
Her.

You are reading this
as I am navigating
my life and
my newly discovered
what has always been.

Trust me.
I'd much rather hide
behind her hair
and in my room
tucked away
alone, together.

But my heart yearns
to scream at the top of
my lungs
that I love her.
And to say,
**** the World
and whoever is not ready
for Us.

That
would be attention.
And I don't mind.

Your eyes can say one thousand words.
A picture
of the galaxies,
framed by your long lashes
which have the strength to latch onto me

Your eyes can say one thousand words
But you have not yet given me
the map
the legend
the dictionary
or the puzzle's key.

Yes all lives matter
but not all lives
have been marginalized.
There's no right end of a gun
One dies and
another is shunned
One is black and the other is white
Can we stop
and stand
and fight
For ours, their's, everyone's
Equal
Rights.

This is not a discussion
about one man's arms
but of another man's life.

The counted sheep
Have become closer to me
Than you are
As far away as can be
In our full sized bed
That you persuaded me
Was just right for a couple
As in love as we.

And now I am left
The sheep and me
In a full sized bed
With an un-full heart
Un-loved
Un-restful
And not Un-married.

I have never tried so hard to scrub
the skin off of my body
every inch he so unlovingly
touched
I have never wanted to wash away
a human being
who took my morals and my body
away from me
I have never expected
to be a statistic
I have never expected
for it to be me
I am strong right?
I'm strong and free.
Until Im locked in a room
On my knees.
He humiliated
and he changed
Me.

You asked me to call
once I got home.
Home,
a place I'd never been before.
Before I met you

I've read stories about boys like you
The kind that break hearts
Just by stepping away

I've sung songs about boys like you
the kind that rip apart lungs
and kiss with their teeth

I've loved boys like you
who crossed their hearts and hoped to die
But ended up just killing me

He made me
Rip my heart out
and shove it down my throat
In hopes
that I would choke without
his hands getting *****
with the blood of my mind

I starved to look pretty
I purged to feel better
I cut to feel less
I smoked to feel more

Now I have no energy

And now

I just feel nothing.

I'm trying to be positive
y'know?
I'm trying to smile with my teeth
I'm trying to find things in the world beautiful.
I'm trying to be happy
y'know?
Because maybe I'll be happy enough
To love again.
I'm trying.
I promise.

Up a lot in my life
This week
Because my mind
cannot handle
being alone
even when it's not
and now ive pushed
everything away
and maybe
if I keep pressing
enter
on this ******* keyboard
maybe this will look like a poem
Maybe I will feel like a human
Maybe I wont cry every night
just because
That's all that feels
okay.
But I'm not okay
I am alone
and I am alone
and I am alone.

I have found myself
With crystals up my nose
and your tongue down my throat.
They're the same thing, really.
When we're together, I'm happy
But the second we're not,
my heart doesn't know how to beat.

I want to ignore you because it's easier
I want to love you because I miss it.
I want you to love me
Because I can't love myself.
I want to be your One because thats who I was born to be
Some people know that they were destined to be doctors or lawyers
I know that I was born to be yours.

I will drown
in whiskey like
I drowned
in you
I will tear
my heart to shreds
ripping the same seams
you sewed yourself in through
I will kiss goodbye
Like your lips kissed my thighs
They say the end is 6 feet under
but mine is only 25.4 ounces away

your cigarette smoke
floats into my lungs
and out chokes
everything i meant to tell you
hours ago
when things could get better

but now your cigarette smoke
took a year off of my life
and a chunk of my heart
as i suffocate
under your presence

I know a girl who cut her hair short
My freshman year
Because a boy had pulled it so hard it
tore out her heart

I know a girl who cut her wrists
When we were in 8th grade
Because her mind was not good enough
For her boyfriend.

I know a girl who cut class
My sophomore year
To ***** a senior
Who had ****** every girl in the school
"except me" she said
"We make love" She said.

"We were great" She said.

"We weren't meant to be." She says.

I don't like loud music anymore
Because the Beach Boys
Up to the highest volume
Was what you used to
drown my cries
that Sunday night

I don't like loud music anymore
Because I don't know
When you'll snap again
and I'll have to lock my doors
In fear of you hurting me.

I guess the Beach Boys
and locked doors
Don't explain how you treat me
And they never will.
But maybe someday
I'll be able to

listen to loud music
Because I will no longer fear the pain
Of your words and your hands
and your mind.  

Dad.

I want to sip from the same cigarette
I want you to unzip my dress
We're suicidal but we're set
Lets get room and just forget.

I'm shivering of cold
and I don't know if it's the fan
turned on in my room
or rather
the absence of you

She must've gotten tired
of slicing her wrists with razors
And setting fire to her skin
So she burned herself on lovers
And cut herself on friends

I buy how-to books on a lot of things
How to cook
How to clean
How to host a dinner party

I know how to love
and how to make 3 cheese lasagna
and how to remove stains
But I do not know how to hate

I wish I had a book
on how to loathe people who hurt me
Written for dummy's
or by Martha Stewart

You hurt me.
But I cant hate you.
For I don't have a book on how to be mad
at you.

And so I will never learn.
Because I will forever
and I will always
be in the wrong.

Heights
Im afraid of heights
They asked me what made me shake
And I just told them heights
But really, really truly,
I must say thats a lie
I am scared of falling
From the cliffs or from the sky
Or maybe really, truly,
Into someones mind
Because everyday I think of us
And how we used to be
Heights dont truly make me shake
Just the absence of you and me

Hurting you would take years to get over
Id drown from guilt and tears
Darling if I were to hurt you
Trust me I'd never write again
because the words
I would jot down
On that napkin I picked up from Starbucks
Would never be as sweet
As you had been to me.

Anxiety
is a breath never released
suffocation of the lungs
and the whole of your mind
Anxiety
is a clock
that never stops ticking
with the constant click, from past to present
Time never ends
and oh darling
nor does anxiety.

His name melted
in my mouth
every time the words
left my lips
and my tongue
and my teeth
and my heart

Her tears fall harder
as pain raps on her chest
like on a door
in the cold
just trying to get in

I've been awaiting
your texts
Not because I want to respond
But I want to know your mind
Is some how still attached to mine

I walk among the shattered glass
glass that mirrors
my broken past.
I step and walk and run and cry
Above, below and right beside
The way I used to feel
back then
How I would wish
For my own end.

I gave you my body
My mind
and my heart
You gave me a lesson
a reminder
a start
I dreamt about you
and you dreamt about luck
Constantly lying
your lies just stuck
They stuck to my
hair
and my eyes
and my lips
they stuck to my mind
Like your hands on my hips
I'm wishing for you
someone better than me
A blonde
maybe 2 maybe 3
Guess we'll see

I stepped
Onto that empty
cold
dark
stage
My heart fell
under spotlights
For you to see
But
Of course
All you did
Was throw my heart back at me.

She kissed him
And I cried
They fell
and I died
He loved her
More than he ever loved me
She loved him
More than ever could be