I said goodbye to Mia back in 2018 But it'd be a lie to say I haven't visit her since. She accompanies me every once in awhile Bent over the sink or splayed out on the tile. And when she's not here Ana follows near Picking and coercing me to fear the meals I've always enjoyed and loved. Oh how I miss having company When I eat alone my mind roams miserably Convincing myself each bite is gluttony. The joy of eating a distant memory.
And she fell and fell down the hole..Hit the bottom and remained there Darkness and depression surrounded her She was too weak to move or speak And so weeks turned into month turned into years One day she opened her eyes and a slice of bread lay in her lap Hesitant at first she nibbled it The next day there were two slices and she ate them Time passed until she felt strong enough stand up Determined she climbed up the hole again Above the ground she was flashed by the sudden brightness The cerulean blue sky The soft breeze The birds singing mellifluous songs The sweet scent of honeysuckle…. She was not used to it But she found bliss in all these things Years passed but one day She returned to the entrance of the hole with a wheelbarrow of soil And filled it up until it was no longer So that nobody could ever go there
I knew what was happening, what I was doing to my continually developing body. Slowly withering away in front of my mirror. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Blinded by the clouds of insecurity bent upon me by the words of others as well as my own conscience. Drugs may not have my high of choice, but addiction crept into my life nonetheless. Addicted to an empty stomach Addicted to that lightheaded feeling I’d get when I stood up right before I passed out Addicted to compliments I’d never heard about me Addicted to my bones sticking out Addicted to 0 calorie energy drinks Addicted to anorexia
Lost hair-am bold soon,lost bone mass-fracture when I sneeze,lost friends-well..had no to begin with,lost muscle mass-cannot stand,lost ***** functions-they teamed up and decided to strike,lost years-twenty to be correct,lost the ability to chew-the jaw bone gave up,lost dreams- only nightmares remained,lost strength- not capable to move my head from the pillow,lost weight-it is the same as the weight of a puppy,lost brain cells-obviously otherwise I would not pursue self destruction ,lost sleep-kept awake by hunger,,lost my period-so no little baby girl Hazel,almost lost life multiple times…lost the promise of a bright future.
Crafty, they say, He's getting crafty crafty with my lies and my made-up meals crafty with my sound-blocking tactics crafty with hiding the burning lines of white and red. Baking, they say, He's getting into baking baking my binges baking my restriction baking my omad baking my sad-looking low-cal low-fat low-sugar low-carb high-protein 'meal'. Crochet, they say, He's getting into crochet crocheting ankle warmers to make my legs look skinny half-finger gloves in an attempt to curb the permafrost that has begun to knit itself around my bones. Healthy, they say, He's getting healthy as i workout until i faint and do sit-ups until i have bruises on my spine. fruit and veg and vitamins take priority and suddenly i have taken an interest in running.
I never wanted this. I never wanted this hell upon me but she just grabbed me in her cold bony arms. She hugged me so tight and she would not let go. I am so **** cold. I cannot move anymore. I cannot run. She is eating my soul and my body away. Her lifeless cold eyes seemed so warm to me. She was my friend and my lover. She played me over and dragged me into this wretched hole. Thoughts would repeat all over_ I am fat I am fat I am fat I believe her words. She brain washed my brain thinking into it that she is always right. She must be.