I said goodbye to Mia back in 2018
But it'd be a lie to say I haven't visit her since.
She accompanies me every once in awhile
Bent over the sink or splayed out on the tile.
And when she's not here Ana follows near
Picking and coercing me to fear
the meals I've always enjoyed and loved.
Oh how I miss having company
When I eat alone my mind roams miserably
Convincing myself each bite is gluttony.
The joy of eating a distant memory.

And she fell and fell down the hole..Hit the bottom and remained there
Darkness and depression surrounded her
She was too weak to move or speak
And so weeks turned into month turned into years
One day she opened her eyes and a slice of bread lay in her lap
Hesitant at first she nibbled it
The next day there were two slices and she ate them
Time passed until she felt strong enough stand up
Determined she climbed up the hole again
Above the ground she was flashed by the sudden brightness
The cerulean blue sky
The soft breeze
The birds singing mellifluous songs
The sweet scent of honeysuckle….
She was not used to it
But she found bliss in all these things
Years passed but one day
She returned to the entrance of the hole with a wheelbarrow of soil
And filled it up until it was no longer
So that nobody could ever go there

I knew what was happening, what I was doing to my continually developing body. Slowly withering away in front of my mirror. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Blinded by the clouds of insecurity bent upon me by the words of others as well as my own conscience.
          Drugs may not have my high of choice, but addiction crept into my life nonetheless.
Addicted to an empty stomach
Addicted to that lightheaded feeling I’d get when I stood up right before I passed out
Addicted to compliments I’d never heard about me
Addicted to my bones sticking out
Addicted to 0 calorie energy drinks
Addicted to anorexia

Lost hair-am bold soon,lost bone mass-fracture when I sneeze,lost friends-well..had no to begin with,lost muscle mass-cannot stand,lost ***** functions-they teamed up and decided to strike,lost years-twenty to be correct,lost the ability to chew-the jaw bone gave up,lost dreams- only nightmares remained,lost strength- not capable to move my head from the pillow,lost weight-it is the same as the weight of a puppy,lost  brain cells-obviously otherwise I would not pursue self destruction ,lost sleep-kept awake by hunger,,lost my period-so no little baby girl Hazel,almost lost life multiple times…lost the promise of a bright future.

Write a lament on the fake bathroom tile,
where you waste your father's hard earned money.

As you throw it up in disgrace of your body
and throw your hunger right back in his face,
tell him he's not done enough for his family.

Watch where the truth gets you when you're not allowed to lie.

~ A.M, F.H.

I never wanted this.
I never wanted this hell upon me but she just grabbed me in her cold bony arms. She hugged me so tight and she would not let go. I am so **** cold. I cannot move anymore. I cannot run. She is eating my soul and my body away. Her lifeless cold eyes seemed so warm to me. She was my friend and my lover. She played me over and dragged me into this wretched hole. Thoughts would repeat all over_
I am fat
I am fat
I am fat
I believe her words. She brain washed my brain thinking into it that she is always right. She must be.