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Soph 4d
Chewing gum like it's dinner
Hoping I'll get thinner
Each hour stretches
Until my body matches

Sweet flavor
But the results
Will be even sweeter

When the flavor fades
The hunger stays
So I give in
Run to the bathroom
And spit the shame
All over again

The silent rings
The mirror waits
But I can't look
I said I'd stop
Just one last time
And another last time
And another
KASSIE HOLGER Jun 10
Weight gain
Weight loss
I'm in my hypomanic period
I have insomnia
I'm hyperactive
But I get tired... I do a lot of things
I move around a lot
I know that soon I'll have my down phase
It's the phase where I sleep for hours on end
I eat and do nothing
I gain weight
Then it starts again and I'm a live wire
I stop taking medication
Medication takes away my inspiration
I'm a vegetable when I take them
I'm no longer myself
I used to be unable to manage my emotions
I used to have tantrums
Today I manage without difficulty
It's a rollercoaster life
It's going to be like this all my life
I have to learn to manage
But I can no longer afford to be 'unstable' for my son
So I'm doing the best I can
I love you all
xoxo kass <3
star May 28
i wish 5.27.25 (5:53 pm / 18:53)
i wish you would let me starve myself
i wish you didn’t feed me so carefully
i’ll be happier if you let me not eat

i want to be smaller than small
skinnier than skinny
weightless, i want to fly

i want the scale to go downdowndown
little moments of glee and triumph,
smaller and thinner and skinnier

swim coach seems to notice
she can see most of my ribs
that was a glorious moment

i wish you would let me go further,
drop farther,
if only
tw: eating disorders
star May 28
i’m slowly breaking 5.27.25 (5:47 pm / 18:47)
i’m slowly breaking, can’t you see
can’t you understand me?

i don’t need to be diagnosed,
i just want you to hold me
and know me and see me

i don’t care that i’m broken in a hundred different ways
i don’t care that i’m cutting and starving
and crying alone and being depressed

i don’t care that the whole world is just closing in
claustophobically
crushingly

i’m slowly breaking
and i don’t care
i just want you to be here
tw: self harm, eating disorders
I went into your party
Didn't think anything of your snacks
I ate anything you gave me
But then it came to the cakes

Your chocolate cupcakes were delicious
"To die for"
Devine

I guess my body took it literally.

I choked
You started laughing
"Was it funny?"

I am crying
Throwing up
Scratching til my skin bleeds

You think I'm being dramatic

Can't you see??
Your cupcakes are killing me.

When I am finally able to find my mom I have no time

And my vision is blank

I don't remember the last time I ate a cupcake.
I always throw them up now.
Story time:
When I was 11 I went to a birthday party with my friend. Her mom had been informed I was allergic to coconut.
Her excuse after I almost died eating a coconut oil filled cake?
"She should know better, besides I didn't put real coconut in"
Coconut oil kills
Millee Mar 19
im tangled,
wrapped in tape measures
that will never read what
i desire

im glued
onto a scale
which determines
my worth

OVERWEIGHT

to watch the numbers lower
would be a miracle.
all my sacrifices
paying off...

but you're sick
sick with something killing you
something that must be fixed
force feed me till i can't fight back

FAILURE

then i return
to the sorry old loop
one that continues
as it determines my worth.
Millee Feb 10
Ana
i look to the mirror, an unsightly view
what's staring back? it's me to you

how i hate what i see
the girl looking back is me

i'm trapped in my skin
pleading from within

why am i the way i am?
self love only a scam

to be better, to be yearned for
to be perfect, the end of my internal war

just listen to me, can't you see?
workout, eat less, count calories...

you'll be made new, into the person you crave to be
but it comes at a cost, do you trust me?
my beautiful body is killing me,
it longs to seek no rest.
even without weighing myself
every hour is a moral test.
do i even want to be here?
could i be here and just be me?
but every minute is an endless sea
reminding me that i'm never free.
most days i feel like i was never meant to be
because my beautiful body is killing me.

my beautiful body is killing me,
it keeps me as cold as ice.
i no longer feel my fingers from the moment i arise.
and even when i want to eat,
looking at a plate of food usually suffices'.
and i don't want to be this way anymore,
i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to wonder for the rest of my life wondering what its like to have a home...
but no one holds me close enough anyways,
so alone is usually the best way to go.
when i fade away from everything i have ever known,
my beautiful body reassures me its okay -
that its probably better off to die this way.
that i was a failure when i was around them every day.
that i couldn't ever keep up with any game life ever tried to bestow to my name.
and its just better this way.
its just better this way.

my beautiful body calls so much attention,
but never any real recognition.
no true understanding of how strong a mission
it afflicted me with for total abolition.
to leave my mother with all of my favorite sweaters,
in an empty room with empty boxes,
packing away her daughters necklaces and lockets
and praying that it never ended up this way.

that her daughter could just come back one day.
that she had never become a spiritual stray.
that i had never become an apparition with no face, or no name.

my beautiful body is not beautiful,
it ravages me whole. every day that could of been happy
that anorexia stole. i can't help but face the reality that
i'm no longer on parole
i'm back in it again. and i don't want to be.
so don't call me beautiful please.
you just have no idea so you really can't see
how much of a waste of life i grew up to be.
i needed to get stuff off my chest. im scared about the current state of my mental health.
Millee Jan 18
left on an island out at sea, all my fears and worries surrounding me. i'm stranded, left only with the Voice inside my head; one thing that wants me dead. how do i escape? how do i become free? free the unrest residing in me. i cant swim. i'm not strong enough. the hate will only drag me down. please help me,

i'm drowning.

drowning in self hatred that i can't seem to overcome. the waves pull me further in, the glimpse of light dimming. i can't hold my breath much longer, sweet release finally seeping in. this is it, the end. my soul rests in the depths of the ocean, floating with misery.
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