Hello thigh gap
As soon as you just about 2 weeks and 4 months away,
I was left astray,
Betrayed by my own delusion of beauty
And illusion happiness

Hello thigh gap
They say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree,
But I learned that didnt aply to me when I was three
Because I will never be like my mother

Hello thigh gap
I can't eat without beating myself up
I am such a mess
That I still can't fit in my old dress

Hello thigh gap
I want to be like those girls on tumbr
But im not even remotely skinny
Nor am I pretty

Hello thigh gap
I cant stand this self hate
Its my one fatal flaw
That might just be the end of it all

when did it all become so cruel
why is she better than her
why is it this instead of that
why cant i love myself
why cant i be myself
why do i have to be like everyone else

I didn't think things would turn out this way.
One day, I decided to cut out sweets.
A simple idea turned sour,
Running away from my problems gave me power
And I did it.
Five kilometres every day,
Followed by constant calorie counting.
The numbers were running through my head,
Until I struggled to get out of bed.
I stood up too fast,
And my world started spinning round and round
Until I hit the cold, hard ground.
The feeling of lightness became euphoric.
Challenging the scales,
Determined not to fail;
It was a wrong kind of rush to have.
The voices wouldn't leave.
Telling me all kinds of bad things like a high-school bully on repeat.
I started lying about what I had eaten to please my family.
Exercising like a deranged athlete.
Hopping around in my room without anyone knowing.
Starving myself to feel complete.
I was paper thin with a faint heart-beat.

1-800 Help me I'm dying
And I don't want to keep lying to my family and friends
1-800 my depression never ends
I spend hours alone in bed,
Wishing that I was dead
1-800 I can't do this anymore
The door to happiness has can't open
And I'm left with a broken mind
1-800 My pain won't go away
I can't stand to last another day with my mind
Its like I'm blind to happiness
1-800 My tears turned to blood
And my mind became flooded with joy
Of the numbness I caused
1-800 I'm done with life
I took a gun against my head,
Pulled the trigger and now I'm dead

"Just eat."
The words that sunk into my brain like an anchor
It's easy to breezily dismiss my problems,
But they are much harder to fix.
My illness may inflict me with pain,
But I gain control.
Control over what I eat,
Control over the number on the scale,
Control over my life.
I just strived for perfection
I strived so much that it became an addiction
An addiction that I couldnt control anymore
No food after 10.
No sweets.
No fats.
No meat.
Every time I ate anything above 300 calories,
I would spend hours sitting on the bathroom floor, hovering over the toilet with a spoon in my throat
Until everything is gone,
No more food or pride left in my system
The only thing left was my self-hate, self-pitty, and eating disorder

With the violent jerking,
And battering of my heart,
And my self-image,
I have deteriorated.
I don't want to look at myself for a second longer than it takes
To put on my face in the morning,
Because if I do,
I will begin to poke and prod at my own flesh,
Feeling as if I am going to upchuck every calorie I have consumed
In the 15 years, and 120 days of my life.
If I look at myself long enough,
I am repulsed,
And my day from that point on will be violently,
Disruptively disordered.
Everything I am forced to consume,
Because of the need to hide my disastrous disorder,
Will become disgusting, half-digested
Vomit.
And rottingly,
I will feel pure,
And vile,
All at the same time.

Breath short,
Distance long,
Goals still not reached,
I hobble along.
Time fast,
Pace slow,
My soul unknowing,
I have no place to go.
Wide smiles,
Loads of lies,
Distrust grows,
In my wavering eyes.
One hand firm,
One hand shaky,
They are strong,
I am weak, my insides achy.
Breath short,
No distance,
I have stopped,
With much resistance.