Almost there- but I can’t
wrap my tiny fingers
Around the top of my arm
Maybe in a week or so
Then come the thighs

Almost there- but I can’t
Wrap my two tiny hands
Around the top of my thighs
Maybe in a week or so
Then comes the waist

Sorry sorry Ana I know I’m slow
but I’ll get there
I’ll get there again
And again.
Cinching my hands smaller
Each time
Until I’m as small as my worth
Only way to be happy

I can dance to rock music
I can sing lay lady lay
I can do all of these things
But I can’t seem to make you stay

I’m a sad girl by night, but a Hollywood star by day
But I seem to just be a pretty face,
ain’t no one wanna hear what I have to say

I could be a tiny dancer, a tragic starlet, a nymphet harlot, ‘cause I’m young and a bottle blonde, with blue eyes that can cry, I’m thin and I sin, and make men go sky high

They wave me hello and I kiss them goodbye
I stay in the dark, think of life, and I sigh
I cry out to god and I scream “why, why?”
So I overdose on sadness and wait to slowly die
And become an angel with wings that could fly

I stop at the golden gates, and ask if I’m in
I see my heartbreakers go straight to hell, and I win

***** you, and your pretty party girl too
She doesn’t understand poetry
And she can’t sing the blues
Like I can, honey

***** you, and your little party girl gleamer
Reality is boring, I’m gonna stay a full-time dreamer
You’re missing out, babe, we could’ve been stars
Hollywood legends, with tragedy endings,
With memories that live on, near and far

Lay me to rest, in a pretty party dress
Six feet under, what a treacherous thing to be seen
   At least I can still look like a beauty queen
No more tears left to cry, no more pretty little lies
I hope my children will remember me
Because they were the only ones who did really see
The girl who was really me, and not the icon you all painted me out to be

I’m finally getting off of this merry go round, this stupid carousel, and I’m laughing like a clown
Wearing nothing but my tears and my crazed smile and tearing off my ball gown

They all frown and tell me I’m not acting like a lady
Well, this lady has a name, and the system’s made her crazy
They took all of my happy memories and made my brain hazy

You took a naive little child and gave her some face paint, told her to make a mask, flawless and saint
She’ll be a teen idle, but only if she looks the part
Because being beautiful is the best form of art

With nothing but a caked face, old bruises and disgrace
I take out my hair extensions, remove my corset
Now I look like your average woman, with a face you’d forget
And I made all the directors and hungry men upset

But now I’m nobody’s princess, I’m nobody’s slave,
Nothing for the wolves to crave
No more children will idolise me, or my photoshopped beauty, and they’ll see the horrified reality
Beauty pageant girls cry behind the scenes
Sticking needles in their lips, and sometimes in their veins,
And 20 years later they’ll be forgotten and insane

Love yourself, for who you are,
You’re not a toy, you belong to no boy,
You don’t need makeup to be a shining star.

i finally lost [some of] it
but 15 isn't enough
i want 115
i want to shrink away
into nothingness
i want to stop feeling
all of this pain
i don't want to keep doing this
and losing it is the easiest way

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I eat one meal a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I cant eat more than 700 calories a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I have to skateboard at least 5 hours a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
If I don't know how many calories is in something I can't eat it

My anorexia, to you I write
How I hate the way you smell, sound and look
Invading my mind day and through the night
Always dreaming of the big passbook

Let me compare you to an evil crust
You are more hateful, cruel and deadly
White heat toasts the black frolics of stardust
And Summertime has the scary headily

How do I hate you? I'll count the ways
I hate your emptiness, starving me to bones
Thinking of your food fills my days
My hate for you is the primeval loans

Now I must away with a deadly heart
Remember my words whilst we're apart

STOP
Don’t get too close
You'll only end up hurting
Like me
You see I'm locked inside
My own mind
And no one can save me
Not the Boylan staff
Not my friends
Not my teachers.
I'm locked inside
My own pit of evil.
Of anorexia, bulimia, PTSD,
depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
And the further I go up,
Or the more positive I am,
Means a further fall back down.
Yet some still wonder why
I'm locked inside
My own
Mind

Would you, If you could press reset?
You stole my heart, put it back in my chest
You hate me when I’m lifeless but I love my emptiness
I’m not the soul you once met
I just need to lay underneath the dirt and rest
All I see are silhouettes
Do you love me too much to forget
even in this mindset?
Or do you regret?

I don’t feel pretty, I feel scared

I wanna be your dolly, broken and impaired
Sad, skin and bone
In your arms I found a home
Made of glass and deeply fragile
You cradled me while I was in denial

Do you adore me, yet?

These handcuffs are tightening
Everything is frightening
I don’t feel the thunder but I feel the lightening

Just hold me, don’t scold me, I know that you worry, but I feel so lovely,
I’m lying, I’m dying, I hate that you’re crying, and you think i’m falling but I think I’m flying.  

You said that perfect don’t exist
Then why do I feel it in my emptiness?

You see my sadness and my brittle little head
   But you don’t see the gore or the bloodshed

I destroy you while I destroy myself
You don’t think I’m pretty anymore because I’ve destroyed my health

I  wanna be half, ‘cause I hate being whole
So I bow down to a porcelain bowl

You try to find my skin under the sheets
But you only find the swelling cuts and my bones, so you dig deeper underneath
But there’s nothing there.  Not even blood or muscle.  There’s absolutely nothing but air.  

And I know that’s not what you want to touch
And I’ve robbed you of the girl you loved
I’ve taken her place and I wear her face
and you miss her most, but for now all you have is her ghost.

You try to force life into the ghost of her body
How come you want the “healthier” her, but you don’t want me?

Do you not see how much I’ve done for you?
Replacing meals with fingernails and trying not to feel
Growing too thin so I can finally win
This game that you don’t even want to be in

I love you, and you love a girl who is withering away into nothing

You don’t love my body you love my soul
You love my heart, which has grown cold

I’m shivering under your fingertips in this hollow body, in this cold skin of mine
Not from your touch but from feeling no heat
No heat from your love, no warmth from your touch, just cold and sad and stuck.  

And when I look in the mirror and tell the ghost of me that she looks pretty
She screams in return and her eyes ache for me to see that I’m absolutely hideous this way

Darling, do you adore me yet?

I'm scared that I'll **** up
I'm scared that people won't accept the real me, the person with scars and a history full of pain and abuse
I'm scared that I'll throw my life away by dreaming too much
And I'm scared that I'll not dream enough
I'm scared that i will forever be scared
Trapped in my anxiety and shame
I'm scared that I won't be enough
I'm scared to lose my family and friends
I'm scared to lose my mind
I'm so close to losing my mind
I'm scared that I'll cut too deep
And I'm scared that I'll never cut deep enough
I'm scared of living
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared

Counting
Saving
Stashing.

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
disassemble
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,
Skinny,
Scarf.

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot
Bath,

And sit till it's cold.

Maybe...
Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.