eli 2d
when did it all become so cruel
why is she better than her
why is it this instead of that
why cant i love myself
why cant i be myself
why do i have to be like everyone else
Eat
Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.
Trigger warning!
1-800 Help me I'm dying
And I don't want to keep lying to my family and friends
1-800 my depression never ends
I spend hours alone in bed,
Wishing that I was dead
1-800 I can't do this anymore
The door to happiness has can't open
And I'm left with a broken mind
1-800 My pain won't go away
I can't stand to last another day with my mind
Its like I'm blind to happiness
1-800 My tears turned to blood
And my mind became flooded with joy
Of the numbness I caused
1-800 I'm done with life
I took a gun against my head,
Pulled the trigger and now I'm dead
"Just eat."
The words that sunk into my brain like an anchor
It's easy to breezily dismiss my problems,
But they are much harder to fix.
My illness may inflict me with pain,
But I gain control.
Control over what I eat,
Control over the number on the scale,
Control over my life.
I just strived for perfection
I strived so much that it became an addiction
An addiction that I couldnt control anymore
No food after 10.
No sweets.
No fats.
No meat.
Every time I ate anything above 300 calories,
I would spend hours sitting on the bathroom floor, hovering over the toilet with a spoon in my throat
Until everything is gone,
No more food or pride left in my system
The only thing left was my self-hate, self-pitty, and eating disorder
Emily 6d
My past is defined in one word.
Miserable.
The only word that comes to mind
of a little girl holding onto
the same porcelain lid
for a year and a half.

The same jacket she wore to cover
the scars on her arm.
The pocket knife she hid so no one
was suspicious.

She was quiet, didn't like hugs
anymore.
If you ever asked her she
would reply
"i'm fine".

But she really wasn't.
She was miserable.

Her mirror whispering
harsh nothings in her ear about all
her flaws, that she
needed to change.

That no one would love her
if she stayed the way she
was.

That was her life back then.
Miserable
I went through a lot of stuff and still do to this day. It's family and friends that help me through it and show that I am cared for and perfect just the way I am.
Jules M 6d
With the violent jerking,
And battering of my heart,
And my self-image,
I have deteriorated.
I don't want to look at myself for a second longer than it takes
To put on my face in the morning,
Because if I do,
I will begin to poke and prod at my own flesh,
Feeling as if I am going to upchuck every calorie I have consumed
In the 15 years, and 120 days of my life.
If I look at myself long enough,
I am repulsed,
And my day from that point on will be violently,
Disruptively disordered.
Everything I am forced to consume,
Because of the need to hide my disastrous disorder,
Will become disgusting, half-digested
Vomit.
And rottingly,
I will feel pure,
And vile,
All at the same time.
Her 7d
that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y
Anonymous Apr 9
My passion is the evil sadness
Only this and a bitterness
Somewhat louder than the madness
Anxiety - anxiety - anxiety!
An echo murmured back the word, 'perplexity!'
The pedophobia penalty panicking
Quoth the appetite, 'Mind the complexity!'
I crave the wrong, worth wistfulness
Desolation - desolation - desolation!
The expectation laughed
Civilization, civilization!
Motivation, motivation!
That boring inspiration - that boring inspiration
My mind always strays to anticipations
In there stepped a barry 'aloneness'
The breathing smiled
I was a lifelessness and you a skittishness
Somewhat louder than the love child
It was profiled, wild, exiled!
And its eyes have all the regretting
What could be more purely addicting? The mourning never forgetting
And the breather never constricting.
I'm sorry that my poetry is horrible...
“How quickly can I drop a size”
And so the game begins
Don't accept your Grandma’s pies
Or touch the cookie tin

The kitchen’s a forbidden place
The gym a way to win
Your urge to occupy less space
Just couldn't be a sin

Tea fills your stomach for a while
It helps to keep you pure
You train so you can run a mile
Then just one mile more

Chew gum so you don't have to eat
Swim laps around the pool
Too tired, stressed or full for treats
No meat becomes a rule

Track intake for the smallest food
Chips cannot be a snack
You fast when you are in the mood
Until the world goes black

You're cold and hungry every day
And bruises start to show
Your mind won't let you stay awake
You're blood pressure’s too low

You see no reason for alarm
A diet’s always hard
You can't get wishes from a charm
Work for what's in your heart

Perfection cannot be attained
Without some sacrifice
And sometimes sacrifice means pain
But that gives spice to life
She’s no longer a person but a number on the scale,
driven by her inner voice’s need for her to become “dainty” and frail -
starving  and purging all in a bid to succeed and never fail,
but by giving in to “Ana” she simply cannot prevail.
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