I walk into my room and kick the heater over to stop it from blowing hot air in my room. It's boiling in here. I kick off my pants and lay on my bed. *Why is life so hard?

I didn't ask to be born.
Did I give you permission to have me?
I'm just not cut out for this, really...
I think about suicide constantly
Everyday I question my sanity
Am I okay? Stop starring at me!
You're only worsening my anxiety
They saw me crying.
I don't want them to think that I'm attention-seeking
Because I'm not:
I just have a lot of ****** up thoughts.
One day I'm calm and the next I feel forgot-
Ten: they told me when I grew up I'd be that number
Not someone who's chubby and refuses to go to slumber, part-ies
They were just never for me
But don't get me wrong I tried to participate
Just no one ever really included me unless it was a one-on-one standing
I get it, I'm a fill in.
That's always been my role
Someone who's just there
For when others couldn't be.
That's me.
The girl I'll hit up tomorrow because my other friend is busy
On a new note I'm about to be 18
My parents could kick me
out or disown me
Send me on my way
As if they never had known me
I'll eventually be on my own
That's the point of this right?
To witness someone's life and
Then toss them aside but say
That you'll be there until the end of time?
Right?
Wrong
I always feel that way when
I'm singing this song
Titled: strife
It makes me not want to go on
But it remains
Always in my veins
It tells me to stay
On the worst of days
It triggers me hard
I just want to go away
Just let me already
Why must I stay steady
Can't you tell I'm not sturdy
And just want to yell
At everybody
I'm in tears already
As I pull the cord on this bag
Helium fills my lungs
I no longer feel sad
I laugh continuously
As I'm  being poisoned
I'm mad; crazy
I forgot to write a note
Don't hate me
You all knew me in the past
For a time being
You had your chances with me
There was no right or wrong
I was just always singing a different song
So don't feel bad for my no longer going on
I was never meant to be here
Please. Stay strong.

I breathe it in from the end
Of this balloon that I'm holding
and blow it back in
I keep inhaling,
I'm finally doing it.
I'm getting out.
No more worries;
No more doubts
Because now my lungs are helium doused .

I look at the clock,
and time seems to stop.
You're all I want,
we've both waited so long.
I look at this clock; 11:25
next thing I know I'm in bed
by your side.
I look at the clock,
and my head spins.
When I see your face,
I can't help but grin.
I miss you Logan.

I'm not okay, without you here. I feel afraid, when you're not near. I miss you and the way your voice sends energy throughout my veins. Us being so far apart, leaves me in pain. As these few weeks turn into days I know that when I see you it'll all be worth it. For you, I'll endure it.

Coughing Crazed
trying to feel things
trying to be happy
just two kids, guitar playing
broken hearts healing
we are cough crazed
and sad some days
Vibrations always find their way
through the soles of her shoes...

She hates the days
when her soul fades away
can't keep up with the daily day
and there isn't any way that
you could make me say that
I love the way life treats us
Like trust for something that rusts
I must keep my head off of the floor
metaphor number four
can ya catch me
or can ya catch no more?
I'm mean like that
and I ain't even roar
I bet your brain is sore
from this rap of sorts
I bet I ****** you off
down to your core, she's singing:

I'm just a sad clown
only around when I'm not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

Coughing crazed
trying to feel things
trying to be happy
just two kids, guitar playing
broken hearts healing
we are cough crazed
and sad some days
Vibrations always find their way
through his finger tips like magic...

He hates it when they tell him
that he can accomplish so much more
do they not get it?
That he's trying to not be sore anymore
just close the drawer
it's time to move on but he won't forgive and forget
she stung him in the chest
he was crying from it
so overwhelming
everything turns
ain't it absurd
how much they expect
all he needs is respect
but they'll never give him it
so tired of trying
and that's when he starts singing:

I'm just a sad clown
only around when I'm not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

**We're just sad clowns
only around when we're not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

He feels the same pain that she does
Which makes her feel sad because...
The mask she wears,
he takes off and puts on,
But she sees the cuts behind the sleeve
Along with the smile that everyone believes.

That night I snuck out to get high
but I was only trying to invite some
new feelings inside to feel something
instead of being so empty all the time.

I know we're never really apart; only far
from eachother.

But I can't wait to feel you in my arms.

I wonder what you're doing right now
Are you sleeping or are they testing you?
I hope you're eating enough.

When was the last time that you read my words, and thought of me as the bird that would always be outside of your window?

Angry tears are falling
when you ask me why
they worsen, and now
angry words are spoken.

Stop trying to control me
since when was I banned
from showing my emotions
even in private I can't recall.

But you of all people should know
that locking me away from the world
will not strengthen our bond,
it will worsen unwanted hatred.

You didn't see this coming, did you?
You couldn't handle it when you saw me crying and heard me mumbling about how I've been wishing for death to find me and rock me to sleep. But that doesn't mean that you can control me... You're feeling like you've failed me. You're wondering what it is you've done that could possibly make me want to disappear forever, you've done nothing worth mentioning so don't worry, you're in the clear.

I hope you choke on your coffee this morning
and burn the way that you make my eyes
I'm tired of you always making me cry
you have no compassion; you're empty inside
just like the coffee *** is at the end of each night.

I miss you so much, I'm always longing your touch.

I don't want to write anymore.

It's 5:32 AM*
and as I lie awake in bed
you're all I can think of...
****, I miss you so much.

Yesterday
extremely
overwhelmed
she held me
crying a lot
let go of me
she leaves
more crying
******.

I haven't been sleeping as easy as I usually do.

I've been scratched and pinched and bruised
but none of those things came from you.

Maybe in an alternate universe
we could be together in person...
Sitting; standing right next to
e a c h o t h e r .

I'm always missing you
I swear to god I'll never stop waiting
for that day to arrive...
The day where we'll stand side by side.

I'll never stop waiting for you.

I checked the mailbox today
and something from you came.

After running inside, excited to read your words,
I felt like my heart was ready to jump out of my shirt.

**I've missed you so much.

I'm not sober
I don't want
things to be
over.

I'm coming to see you
and not be so blue
but until then
I'm always missing you, my friend.

My special friend whom I'm in love with.

Ever since you left I've been falling asleep to this song
that I've started calling ours, and when you get back
home I hope you know we're going away to Mars to
live with the stars because **** this planet I'm tired of
us being apart.

I don't go to sleep when I say I do.
But not because I'm not wanting to...
I'm always tired but the light's always on
the light inside of my mind never goes off.

I think of him often... More often than not
I wish I could hold him, and see him a lot.
And every night as I'm laying here...
I pretend he's beside me, even though he's there.

But when the hours pass by at this time of night
I do end up sleeping, even when I feel uneasy.

All of a sudden...
I'm really tired,
I want to go to sleep
but thoughts of you
    haunt me
they keep me awake.

I am a Jellyfish
colorful yet pain-inflicitng
I remind myself to forget the bad things.
**I keep on floating.

I'm looking outside of my cardoor's window to see the lights of a city and I can't stop myself from wondering where exactly you are inside of yours, what you're doing and whether or not you're wondering the same things as me, and I think tonight it might rain, everything I see is gloomy like the inside of my brain, I just want you to hold me and hear you say you forgive me but you're so far away. I guess I'll just have to wait, it's too bad that March comes before June because that's when the rain will truly start.

Yeah, I'm seeing these bags underneath my eyes
but don't worry they aren't leaving me blind
I'm just so tired of the sleepless nights
because you're stuck on my mind
and I'm feeling frightened,
I wish you were near
but you're not here
you're anywhere

You're at an anywhere
that's so far away from me,
it's unclear.

I could never hate you
I actually miss you
but I don't want you
around me anymore.
Because you hurt me
and I end up on the floor.
But I miss you.

My home is not where I live
it's inside somewhere vivid
where I truly feel like myself
and I miss it every single day.
The place where Jellyfish play
they're not just afloat, they sway
and for some unknown reason
they make me feel beautifully happy.
**I miss them.

****...
Where has the time gone?
*Away from me

Yeah, you're yelling louder,
but you're not feeling more pain.

I wonder how you'll react when you find out what I've done
you won't be able to hit me or scold me because, I'll be gone.
But will you cry? Will you feel ashamed? Will you wonder why?
I don't think that you should, because now I'll no longer cry.

So don't ask why,
don't you dare cry...
Please, don't be too upset
I'm getting away from here
and with no regrets.

I'm glad that you're happy
but sad that I'm not
I just can't stop thinking
about how we fought

For months we've gone
without talking at all
but this time I'm afraid
it'll be years or longer.

At least we won't be somber
because together we're a storm
not a beautiful one either
we're a hurricane
destroying everything
that's in our path,
because we can

We're not good together.
But I can never remember
for whatever reason
I will always want you back.

I wonder,
have you forgotten about me yet?
I'm not sure that I'll ever forget you
even though I'm wanting to, so badly
It seems my mind isn't ready to let me.
But I have to keep trying.
And it'll take a while for me to stop crying
but at least I won't be denying,
my longing for you
to still be in my life.
Yeah, we had strife
but somehow we managed and
right now I'm tired of standing
here without you beside me.
Please just pull the knife out of me
set me free from this agony, maybe
give me an anaesthetic to numb all
of this pain.
I'm waiting for Felicia Amnesia to
sink into my brain.

I won't be sad
While you're away.
I'll try my best
To not be afraid.
Of everything
That I'll need to face,
To take care of
My past mistakes.
But I'll miss you.
And I'll think of you
Every day.

Silent nights
Restless eyes
Quiet dreams
Capture me
Sad girl
Melodic laugh
Dreary eyes
Questionable past
Drenched in pain
Screaming skin
Wrapped up in
depression,
she is.

The bestfriend whom I loved
got lost somewhere between
six and seven, but

Along the way I found myself
and learned a major lesson.