Who would have thought
Freedom tastes so sweet?
I clung so hard to a future
We'd never live to see

And as time moves on without us
I know it's for the best
For with every mile between us,
My heart beats more at rest

Our love was the eye of a storm
Swirling in the midst of chaos
But our minds fooled us both
With memories of what was

But what was lives in the past
And even there, it's twisted
Morphed from desperate prayers
And our wasted wishes

The past rots in our lingering thoughts,
Subtle yet present forevermore;
Yet still, I'll keep the lock on tight;
Never again will I reopen this door.

I wish I could capture my happiness
In these words that I write
In the ways that I lock away
My sorrows, always ready to resurface.

Yet these happy moments
Are fleeting and never look back
While my sadness is my friend,
Always waiting in the shadows.

Joy is a runaway
I can never catch.

You asked me to give you space,
   I told you yes, I'm sorry, I love you.
You asked me to stop reminding you,
   I told you yes, I'm sorry, I love you.
You asked me to give you privacy,
   I told you yes, I'm sorry, I love you.
You asked me to always be positive,
   I told you yes, I'm sorry, I love you.
I asked you to show me affection,
   You told me you're not that kind of man.

I told you I did it for us,
I told you I have anxiety,
I told you I have depression,
I told you I love you more than anything.

You told me I did it to myself.
You told me I make things up,
You told me to stop bringing you down,
You told me I make you hate your life.

I told you yes, I'm sorry, I love you.
   Please don't leave me.

You stayed.

I'm scared to ask why?

The most humbling thought...
     Is realizing you'll never be loved
             As much as you love him.

I'll wear my lipstick just a little bit brighter,
Do my hair real nice,
Soft, long, and free,
I'll draw on my eyeliner as a perfect line,
A stroke of vivid black,
With a perfect wing,
Just like the ones I grew to fly away from here.

Maybe when I'm gone, I'll be pretty enough.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll be able to think back.
Maybe when I'm gone, you'll remember me.
Or maybe, when I'm gone, you'll just forget.

You were curious--
I opened doors so you could see.
You were scared--
I fought so much to rid your fears.
You were upset--
I gave my best to make you smile.

You changed your mind--
I lied, I bore the pain, I said it was okay.

I was patient,
I was kind,
I was humble,
So what did I do wrong?

Depression is everything
While feeling nothing at all;
It is the innocence of a child
In the presence of an aged soul;
It is as bitter as it is sweet,
For there are moments of joy,
Beautiful in their fleeting ways,
Always pressed under a gray sky;
It is the struggle of hope it portrays
And it is the death of our hope
That leads to suicidal tendencies.

The way your eyes light up
When you smile,
They show such wonder.

I've never seen anything
Like them before,
They spark like magic.

Back and forth
And back again,
In and out you go;
There you were,
Now here you are,
No place too close
Nowhere too far,
An endless loop
Of your indecision
Leaves me dizzy
From all this spinning.

I run as fast as I can--
From myself,
From my anxiety,
From my depression,
From the voices,
From the guilt,
From you.
Yet every corner I turn,
There are the feelings--
Of self-deprecation,
Of fear,
Of apathy,
Of frustration,
Of judgement,
Of my heart breaking.
When I finally let go,
There you are
And when you're gone
There come the rest.
I am caught in a web
With more predators than prey,
And I am ripped into pieces
That will never satiate them,
Nor you--especially you.

You always called me your Queen
And said you would be my King
But in the end, I was just the Joker;
I suppose that makes you the Jack-***,
So please kiss my Ace goodbye.

I am disgusted with myself
For inexplicably catching feelings
For someone I would never
Logically fall so hard for.
I must have left my heart open
And vulnerable and I'm sorry.
I hereby demand you leave my heart,
This is your eviction notice,
You have twenty four hours
To pack up and go and don't forget
To leave the key behind.

Please.

I'm begging.

This makes so little sense,
It is utterly maddening.
How could this happen to me?

I had always thought it was a matter of time
But in reality, it was a matter of heart
And your heart just never beat the same as mine
And I suppose it never will catch up.

Your ghost haunts every word,
A vivid memory flashing before me
As I read each line, one by one
And I'm overcome by your spirit;
You still stand there, in the flesh,
Still able to be touched but too far,
As that gleam in your eye dwindles
And all I truly see is a stranger;
Yet in those lines of poetry, you live on--
You live as you've always lived
And continue to live in my memories;
Moments of laughter, moments of doubt,
Moments of flirtatious awkwardness,
And as I'm haunted by the past
Which lives on in my scribbled notepad,
I can't help but wonder if what I felt
Was actually ever alive to start with.

I must resist the urge
To erase every word
I ever wrote of you,
For they bring me pain;
I must remind myself now
As I reread those lines
Of hope, of love, of loss
That they tell a story of
What could've been and
What was never meant to be.
I shall hold onto those lines
For they serve as a record
Of what I am better off
Leaving behind as I go on
And what I am searching for
On this new path that I begin.

How am I anything more
Than an inflated sack
Packed with meat and bones
For this monster to
Lick his lips and gnaw on?
I am the epitome of
This demon's lavish feast,
The one that whispers to me
Words that roast my mind
And he keeps on adding spice,
Waiting for the chance
To rip a chunk from my heart;
But that would be too easy,
He likes the way my tears taste
And why would he end his pleasure?
The demon plays with his food:
This is how I am devoured
By this ruthless thing I call Depression.

Some days I am so done,
I just whisper, "Bon apétite".

Take a deep breath, sweet child
And soak in the fresh air that
Surrounds you, for you have time--
Though time doesn't mean a thing,
For it will all fall into place,
This life that has been fitted for you
And only you, it'll wait on you,
As you live in your very present
That has become my sweet history.

Slow down and smell the flowers
And remember that I love you.

In my mind
It's pouring rain
And my conscience is
This young yet worn out man
Who stands there, idly getting drenched
And as he ponders the irony of this cruel world,
He turns mad and is overcome by a crazy fit of laughter.

This "crazy" man finally came to the biggest question:
What's the meaning of it all?
He realized the answer pretty quick:
Nothing at effing all.
Yet here he is, in his empty vessel
That I call "me"
And all that's left to do in this storm
Is for him to stand there, being pelted by rain,
Letting his head fall back and laughing loud with the thunder.

Education, they say
Sets free the mind
Only it has, ironically
Imprisoned mine.
I have lost my heart
Somewhere on this path,
Leaving my mind
Alone, in wrath
As it struggles to
One day forgive itself,
Then comes to dwindle
Through grief; it wilts.

If only I could lock my lips shut,
Toss the key into the deepest well
And pray nobody ever finds it
So I may hide away in my hell.

Each word that leaves my tainted lips is
Drenched in a poison designed to ****;
If not ****, it'll torture you worse
Than death itself, against my own will.

I wish I exhaled an angel's breath,
My true intentions are genuine
However, there's a demon sitting
On my tongue that always seems to win.

Her hands smelt sweet
As they were clammy with sweat
And she wrapped them gently
Around my nose and mouth.
She stood behind me
Protecting me with ferocity
And I leaned in, heavy
Against her thin frame.
He was coming now,
His tall shadow cast out
By the light from the hall.
I shivered, she whispered,
“When I say go, run.”
I nodded, my body frozen
And it couldn’t have been
More than a few seconds
Until I heard her yell
And before I knew it, I was
Sprinting, abandoning her,
And I heard her scream loud,
As though she was being mauled
By a wild beast and I whimpered.

“TAG, YOU’RE IT!” he yelled.
The game was over, so
I turned around and ran back,
Only to begin another round.

All I am is a number
On a computer screen,
Three point seven nine,
Slowly going down
And all you are
Is a can of cheap beer
That you chug, chug, chug
Just to break my heart,
It seems.
You think I’m a criminal
But I said no to the cigarette,
I said no to the drugs,
I said no to the shady crowd
And I hang on to a boy
Who treats me like you treat me
Sweet when I behave
But never going out of his way
Since I’m not worth it
And I treat him
The way I treat you
With hopeful, bright eyes
Lying to myself
Maybe tomorrow
He’ll love me.

Don't you be ashamed
Of your heart of gold;
If they don't catch it,
It'll break their toes!

Sometimes, when we allow distance,
We can see the bigger picture much clearer.

The more I convince myself
That you’re not interested in me
The more I realize how genuine
My feelings actually are.
I thought I was clogged up
In overriding infatuation
But it appears that underneath it,
Something humble was growing.
The more I distance myself
From the thought of there being an us,
The clearer I see that
You are much more than just a crush.

And with that being said,
I’m sorry I treated you as only such.

My butterflies have been set free
Yet still they linger and rest upon me,
As they can't help but watch in awe
As in my surrender, I still fall in love.
Giving up is the hardest thing to do,
Especially when it means I have to lose you.

I find no comfort in simple words,
I’ve heard too many lies for that.
Even actions I always question
For ulterior motives always act.
Say you love me, let me feel it;
It’s a challenge, I understand.
But let me know I’m worth it
For real love should withstand
All obstacles—wipe my tears,
Heal my pain, make me whole
When I’m incomplete—yet
With you, my hungry soul
Is empty, parched, in need
Of something genuine at last.
Please, I can’t help but believe
Our future’s in my past.
I fear we may have turned,
In our hesitation, obsolete,
What will it take for you
To feed me something concrete?

If I had died when I planned to,
Would you still have kissed her?
Would you still have moved on
As my memory began to wither?
Just two days after I chose not to,
She was wrapped in your arms tight
And I wonder if you’d still smile
Like that had I taken my own life.
Then there’s always you,
The one that warms my heart,
Would you have even noticed
If I never came back around?
We only speak in shy conversation,
I’m sure had you heard the news
You would’ve just been surprised,
Not hurt, just a little bit confused.
The girl I sit next to in class
Would have thought I simply dropped
And the boy who asked to see my notes
Would easily forget we ever talked.
My favorite regular customer would
Probably assume I quit without goodbye
And no one would ever believe that
Each smile I shared was a bold-faced lie.
I wonder if the boy who likes to flirt
And call me pretty would still think so
When he’d hear the news and think
Of my lifeless body, or perhaps my ghost.
I’m sure my parents would miss me and
It pains me to think they’d feel blame,
For I give them all the credit that
I’ve hung around this long anyway.
I am already just a dying spirit, imprisoned
In bones, wrapped tight in skin and tissue,
I suppose I’ll stick around, because in my absence,
You wouldn’t notice, but I’d still miss you.

My mind is light as a feather,
Swayed by a gentle breeze
But my heart is so heavy,
It makes it hard to breathe.

From thoughts to heartstrings,
One soars while the other sinks.

Death thinks of me as his daughter,
Whispering his word into my ear,
Beckoning me to prove myself
In joining him on the other side.
His arms are strong, comforting
And his presence is absolute;
He tells me he will wipe away my pain,
All of my worries and the tears
I am far too broken to shed.
He whispers that he loves me
And in a world as cold as this,
I just want to believe someone does.

My eyes yearn for your face, just as
My ears long heavily your voice;
My mind craves your essence dearly,
Tormented through this lack of choice;
Why is courage not passionate
Like desire entangled by
Anxiety that erupts in
Every cell--just answer, why?
Cruel fate has imprisoned me,
Bound within joyous misery.

If we were all brutally honest
From the start
Perhaps we wouldn't feel the need
To lie or hide or sugar coat
For perhaps we would
Be kinder and less sensitive
And remember we're all the same,
Condemned by human nature,
And then maybe it would be okay
To tell someone that this annoys them,
Makes them anxious or stressed,
That they are deeply in love with them
Or that their feelings changed;
If we all just said it all
Right from the beginning
It wouldn't be so foreign,
And then maybe there would be no secrets
And then there would be no regret,
Then we could all move on faster
And forgive much easier,
For we'd know to understand.

But human kind is not beginning,
We are perhaps in the end of the middle
And we are already sunk too deep
In the dependency of lies so
That the truth can never be understood
And is seen not as a solution
But as a problem;
We are too far from the start,
Where we keep secret our feelings
Of passion, hurt, and anger,
What could be action
Is replaced by what we glorify as hope;
However, hope is just a lie in itself
That somebody else's secrets lie in our favor.

I look around
In this crowded place
And my eyes fall on you,
Just simple you,
And it dawns on me:
Somebody loves you.

Yes, somebody loves you
And to them you are not simple
But blissfully grand
And lovely and perfect,
But not to me
And that's really okay.

To me, you are a cold stranger,
With sunken eyes
I know not the color of
With a nervous tapping habit
Who chews a little loud
And needs to use chap stick.

But to me, there is a warm love,
With gleaming blue eyes
Too beautiful for you to understand,
Who drums his fingers in grace
As he chews on the cookies I baked,
Using his kissable lips.

If you saw him,
You could never see what I see,
Like I can never see what they see
In you.
We can't see it in ourselves either,
But to the one it is always clear.

You cross my mind most of the time
And when you don't,
I somehow feel lonely in my thoughts.
Although I'll never call you mine,
Your potential warms me
Like the summer you are
And the reality of the even chance
Cuts me in half, dead even,
Until I realize my chances sink deep
Within my hesitation
As I crumble
And I just need
To be that tiny piece you hold onto.

Oh, hell--I just love you.

I lie to myself all of the time and
To be honest, I am not quite sure why
Because occasionally they whisper
What I need to hear and wish to deny
But mostly, they spread doubt and fear as I
Start to question it all, life itself and
They fill me with just enough hope to keep
Me breathing, choking me with just one hand
While the other strokes my hair, endearing;
I feel overwhelmed in my perception,
Jaded by the truth as I'm burned by each
Question, sinking further in deception,
I tell myself it should be possible
Only to go and tarnish it fully
With every reason it will never
Happen, while my chance is fifty-fifty.

There's nothing like the impending new year
Than to make you realize
How far you've come
Forward or backward
Or perhaps you didn't move at all,
Stuck on square one.

I always thought we stayed in one place
A few steps closer
Until a sudden pang,
Sent us flying back
All the way to square one;
I've realized I was wrong.

Square one was just a single step back
To refocus,
We've grown so close,
Only like a spiral,
Circling further and further in,
All to one center.

Reflecting now, we are truly the same
For we do not attack straight on,
Like a line;
Instead, we are cautious,
Handling what's precious
In careful hands.

What feels like square one and a step
Is more like an ocean we've crossed;
Patience is the key to a treasure chest
And maybe, we just hit land;
Now it's time to pace (ourselves)
And follow the maps drawn on our hearts.