Each and every single one of your smiles--
The smooth ones, the crooked ones,
The funny ones you make before you laugh--
Oh, especially those--
Or the ones you make when you're tired
And the ones that show your teeth,
Along with, of course, the ones you give
When you respond to the smiles I make--
Yes, all of these smiles
Light up my darkest nights
With beautiful shimmering stars.

Not to mention, when that smile turns into a kiss?
Well then, those smiles transform into the Northern Lights;
You are a galaxy much sweeter than the Milky Way.

You are the fall while I am spring--
You bask in the hot summer air
While I relish in my winter;
We fight about which is better,
Neither one willing to concede;
Yet I am the start to your warmth
As you send the first chills through me--
You admit it is romantic
And I confess it is freeing.
We are a little bit of both,
So hot and cold and in between,
Yet you are a little more of what I want
And I am a little more of what you need.

I'm not quite sure if I'm drowning
In my own drunken state
Or in these emotions that I'm bleeding out
Simply because you're not here with me.
I'm not quite sure if I love you
Because I just can't have you
Or if I love you, in all honesty,
Because there is no one as **** beautiful as you.
I think it is the latter for
The way your soul shines from your eyes
And speaks from that shy smile,
There is nothing that can compete with you.
However, if it were the first,
Why is it that I may never have you?
It's just the way of the universe,
The way the Earth loves its Sun
Or how the moon loves its Earth,
Always around but never to touch.
I'm not sure how I can continue to hold it in
Or how I have for so long,
But even less do I know how to express this
For I'm not sure if you feel the same
Or like me at all
Or if you feel the same way and we're
Running in circles, after another,
Coughing up each other's dust.
I'm not sure why I feel like crying
When all I did was see you in the distance
And hear your name come from the mouths
Of people we both know, but do not know of us.
I'm not sure what us even is,
If I even have a right to use that word for us,
Us,
It sounds so alien
And as I say it, I question its existence.
I'm not sure of anything anymore,
Except that now the tears are brimming
And I replaced this liquor with some coffee
As I wait the night out,
Hoping for closure I must accept I'll never have.
I suppose I am most unsure of
How someone can fall in love with another
So effortlessly, like breathing,
But drown in their own tears
As that love is really poison:
Sweet, sweet poison
Settling deep down in my lungs.

You remind me of a warm spring day
In the middle of this cold winter;
I feel the heat of the sun's rays
Under my frozen skin, exposed to reality.

Sometimes I wonder if I am
A blooming bud in your graces,
Or if I shall perish in the frost
Hidden beneath my blinding affection.

I must have thought I saw forever
Gleam in your lovely crystal blue eyes;
I must have not seen rolled on your tongue
The only words were words of goodbye.
Your eyes reflected mine perfectly
So perhaps I saw my desire
Staring right back and hoped it was yours;
Maybe I'm the one who's the liar.

I scream it in my mind so loud,
I whisper it under my breath;
I hold it in with all my strength,
I feel it clawing me to death;
I feel it all: the sadness burns,
The happiness swells, frustration
Tears at my insides, while bliss floats
Above me with hesitation.
Curiosity consumes me
And then is swallowed by my fears
While I wish to surrender but
The simple thought brings me to tears.
It's a broken soul within me
Standing in the rain just laughing
At this madhouse where there is not
Much solace in just anything.

I suppose I might have hoped
That we would bloom from nothing
Like a phoenix does from ash;
Wild imagination
Might be to blame, or perhaps
A heart- a flaming heart, filled
Of dreams that you encompass;
False memories of laughter,
Embraces, adventure, love...
I hoped for what I believed
But like a phoenix, such thought
Could only be true in dreams;
There is not much magic left
In the dimming eyes of Earth,
But if any is to spare,
Spare me the pain of letting
*Go.

You're my perfect little distraction
Not more, for there is no reaction
As you move on in your silly life;
I mean, I don't want to be your wife
Nor anything else tied to your name
For I am not yours nor will I be.
Just a game we play, just words, you see,
Your lips aren't kissable but I
Must confess, your mind I can't deny.
We toy with notions that we could gain
Something out of our bold flirtations
Yet it is all preoccupation
As we both bustle around, away
And keep other sentiments at bay
By clouding them with this silly game.

With no strings attached, none can judge us
And it's one act I don't have to trust.
I can take a deep breath, spill my thoughts
And leave unscathed when it all just rots.

I taste blood as I bite my lip too hard,
I swear I can even smell it;
I see it on the napkin as I dab at it and
I hear it as my heart pumps more through my veins.
It feels slick in my fingers as I graze over
The wound I self-inflicted
And the notion of it surrounding me
Is more or less intoxicating.
It drips down my chin,
Like a tear might,
And I’ll admit the burning pain
Created a mixture of the two.
I don’t want you to think me mad,
I am just passionately mesmerized
At this sick wonder—
Sick, as in it’s making me die.
I have a terminal disease
And this is how I cope
You wouldn’t understand my fascination
Of the death that flows inside me.

I have chains on all four limbs
With weights dragging me downward
While time is heaving me up
Around my torso, forward.
I am drowning in the air
And can breathe under water,
I see all the colors but
Black and white, they don’t differ.
Clarity is one vast blur,
Reason is their opinion;
I’m locked in the parallel-
Or so I think, I can’t tell.

I’ve desired you too long, oh yes
And I won’t love you anymore, no-
Not the dimples from your sweet wry smile,
Nor the way your swollen, chapped lips go;
The rough to your voice in the cool night;
Or how you’d brush your dry fingers through
That thick brown hair that sweeps your forehead;
No, I shall lose this yearning for you,
Those pastel blue eyes won’t reflect mine;
I won’t pretend your face lights up when
You see me, that we shared a moment;
Nor melt from your silly expressions.
I refuse to love the way you say
My name, all of the time, tone so warm
Or your dull laugh that adds character;
How your awkwardness to me is charm;
A simple grin from you would make my
Day; a few words could transform my week
And you made me so happy in the
Simplest ways; now I must retreat.
I’ll soon forget how you turned my heart
To bubbles, for it will be frozen;
I won’t love you anymore, oh no,
You haven’t given me a reason.
I've said this a million times but this-
This time it's for real, for I can't take
The sinking disappointment welled up
In my chest each time you hesitate.

Take a deep breath and let those bitter sweet thoughts
Just drizzle in, like soft rain kissing your cheek;
As tears flow seamlessly uninterrupted
From your closed eyes, you let all your limbs turn weak;
Tune out all that surrounds you and listen close
To the drumming noise and feel the vibrations
Of your heart as it beats its powerful pulse
Through your feeble body, no hesitation;
That beat is what fights for you more than anything,
That wants nothing but your life and never stops;
It never takes a break or doubts its duty,
Yet here you thought that nothing loves you enough.
You thought you could just end it and hurt no one
While your heart keeps beating, for it disagrees;
Every cell in your body loves you, needs you
Only one harsh thought can’t see what the rest sees.

My own affection
Has all direction
But no ability
For real correction
As it shoots straight on
To its sole target;
No time to rethink,
Just some to regret.

I find myself on the edge of
Giving up or just giving in;
But standing still right now, I know,
There's nowhere near a greater sin
Than staying mute and allowing
My emotions to overflow--
For all they do is ******* me
As they play out a picture show
Of all my regrets, doubt, and fears,
Memories I wish to bury,
Future failure I've accepted--
My collection of misery
Running on repeat, on and on,
Know all the words to this old song,
And it goes, on and on, again;
So up or in, I can't be wrong.
I have a choice to make tonight
But at least know, I'll be all right.

You do not really love me?
I would swear this could break me,
But no-- it has set me free--
Endless possibilities;
It is truly bittersweet,
To find in your own retreat
This sweltering inner peace.
I miss you but still release;
Love lets go, it stands alone,
And it will return once grown.
If it does not, it wilts fast,
Tragic symbol of the past.
Regardless of miseries,
Thank you for the memories.

My mind knows that I am free but
My heart understands that it is
Held in his sweet hands, like he holds
Air, oblivious but always
Present, around him like a sheet.
If  he but knew what love there is
About him, he'd never worry
Of worth, nor can its source deplete.
To him, I am a passing thought;
To me, he is the restless night
Of flashing emotions flooding
Through me, of anguish and delight.
I cannot explain this senseless
Tug that binds me so snug to him.
However, its knot cannot be
Undone; the heart is not the brain.

There is no touch, but sound and no taste, but sight
And I can catch a fleeting whiff of your scent
As you pass by me, trading it for my breath
That you steal, just like all of the unpaid rent
In my mind, the millions of thoughts you engage,
Your voice louder than any words on a page.

Can we just cut to the chase?
For I already like you,
And you have my heart gripped tight,
And you’re only going
To crumble it in your fists,
And the heartbreaks are better
With less memories to sting,
Like lemon juice in a wound,
Only much worse- much, much worse.

When I first see your face, my emotions
Pile up at the edge of my surface
Like a rain drop, and when our eyes meet
They take off rapidly, as though a race
And splash to the ground, scattering into
Millions of pieces, as my heart will when
My mind steps in and chills the warmth you gave,
For you look away and continue then
With the happy life you lead, where I don’t
Belong, while in my thoughts I have this world
That’s built around the moment we come clean
About these vicious feelings that have blurred
The authenticity of our short
Encounters and that you could feel the same,
For I know in truth you must just be kind
And mutual affection is insane.

Perhaps your duty in my life
Was to serve as a stepping stone
Between the love I leave behind
And the one that has yet to grow.
Perhaps you were meant to tempt me
From this oncoming disaster
But push me far enough away
Into the arms of my soul mate.
Maybe I should be thanking you
For this disappointment I feel
But I know that in the moment
I just wish I was in your arms.

I wish you knew how beautiful I knew you were at first glance;
With every smile and word, inside and out, every chance you get,
You radiate this person I need to get to know
And I secretly hope one day I'll be honored to do so.
You think you're just an ordinary guy but you're far from right;
You make the whole world spin in all of my dreams I have at night.
When you walk by my heart melts and resets, yet you have no clue;
All your words spin through my mind all day long, I just wish you knew.

You drop your promises like a porcelain cup;
Drink from it but you don't want to clean your mess up;
Well my heart was antique; an heirloom that's shattered;
Its pieces lie at your feet; not like that mattered.

Now that I'm broken, I'll always showcase the lines
That make up my scars; they'll decrease a hundred times
My value, to find a good home because I'm chipped;
And who on Earth would press those splinters to their lips?

Stressed, blank inside, hurt,
Broken but breathing,
Here to feel the pain
That's not retreating.
Never felt so dead
And alive at once;
I did not expect
To lose our romance
But here we are on
The same page again,
Just to see the end
From where we first began.

When you're only twenty,
Two years are a long time
But remember always
That now you're in your prime
And fifty years from now
The choices you must make
Today will have taken
Much more that is at stake.
It's fine to be lonely;
Don't you fear the moment;
Take care of your future;
Stay strong in the present;
Play on your own heart strings,
Listen to its soft sound,
Embrace its melody,
Just dance to it, around...
You're bound to make mistakes,
You'll scream and laugh and cry,
You'll look back at this but
You won't ask yourself why .

Do you know what it feels like to go mad
And to know there's no way you can stop it?
For those thoughts, they race to no finish line;
You can't convince yourself it's make believe
Because it's the only reality
Your shattered mind can still some what process.

There's that-but no, this-but then-no-shut up!
My hands begin to quiver, fingers pressed
Against my temple; they slide down my cheeks,
Cold, lifeless almost, if they weren't moving
Involuntarily, out of control
Like my thoughts of utmost insanity.

How do I know I'm insane then? Because
Of the looks I get, the judgement is blunt
And I was taught better one time ago
When my brain understood some more logic.
I'm going mad, sharp breaths, desperate thoughts
I want to stop it but I just cannot.

This is what happens when mind scares the heart
And all that is left to do is escape.

He was everything he was not,
He was strong and brave and cunning,
Every move was calculated
Ten steps ahead,  sometimes twenty
And he had her in his hands,
The heart he wanted but couldn't,
And he clenched his fist tight and squeezed
The life out of it,  then tossed it.
He found it, broken and hurting
And he wanted it just the same.
She said "You break it, you bought it",
She still would not have him with her
And he could never understand
How stupid love never worked out
And how he never wanted her,
And she never wanted him, but
It was, in theory, romantic;
The world can work in twisted ways.

The sorrow that once consumed me
Is hauntingly beautiful now
And some how, sometimes I'm entranced
To relive it, for it was raw,
The purest emotion I'd felt,  
And in this heartless world we live
It was something innocently
Tragic with some meaning to it.

Take a deep breath, close my eyes, and think.
Think of something other than those tears--
Ocean water is salty wet, too
And fear, yes, like on roller coasters;
The adrenaline pumping inside
That nothing can match; it lets me fly.
And those strange thoughts, just silly nightmares.
And as I tremble, it's a snow day
When I was six, making snow angels.
Just think, okay, think real hard about
All the places you've been happy at
And maybe then I can be happy
Again, or at least pretend I am.
Let me let myself be anywhere
Else from here and this heartbreaking scene.

My cheeks are burning hot;
My thoughts are stuck together,
Melted into one ball
Of tired, dwelling hope
As I think back to when
I was yours,  you were mine
And this liquor did not
Taste like a bitter cure.
Memories endlessly
Dance in my mind tonight
As we had, in silence
On that dock, to the beat
Of our young, stubborn hearts.
The sun set behind us
And I should have known it;
In denial, I guess
I saw the colors,  thought
'They are our sunrise";
I was wrong,  that's okay;
I'll burn it all away
With these sips of champagne.
I am getting dizzy
And the world is not clear-
But was it ever so?
Perhaps I see better
In this cloud of raw grief
Than I ever had with
You.

Four exams in five days
On top of a group meeting
And an eight hour work shift
With an hour drive one way
To school, then back
And family and homework
After a holiday weekend
And somehow I think
I'll meet the sixth day
And be all right;
This too shall pass,
Or so they say.

Your little laugh,
Your sparkling eyes,
That gleam you get
When you look me
Straight in the face;
I love how your
Eyes squint in joy
And your rambles
Of your passions;
That spike your hair
Has up top and
All your freckles;
Maturity
Mixed with a kid's
Sense of humor;
I love it all,
I always will.
That's my promise
I plan to keep.

You make me glad,
He makes me smile.
You make me laugh
And so does he.
You keep me safe,
I feel secure.
And what he says
Makes me bubble.
For I'm with you
But not with him,
I feel happy
As I do sad.
I am split in
Two even halves;
If only I
Could give you each
A piece of me
But faithfully.

Why can I love two when
I may only have one?
Is the boy I am with
Just a flame that is done
Or the man I'll marry?

Is the man I have met
Just infatuation
Or is there so much more
To this situation?
These thoughts make me wary.

Out of sight, out of mind;
I am happy with both
Until I am alone
Caught between bliss and oath.
Why must it be scary?

This is not fair to me
Or to either of them;
Why can't it be simple?
My heart is split even.
Love is arbitrary.

You can't have what you want
For you want it too much;
Your obsession destroys
Everything that you touch.

It's like you squeeze so tight
Until he cannot breathe;
Then he must run or die,
As you refuse relief.

It is blatant nature;
Obvious as you go
Bathe in your ignorance
And put on the same show.

The tears,  "I don't know why"
But we tell you each time:
You must love at distance,
Tone down your persistence
And love him enough so
He will not want to go.

You love in a way I cannot;
You just love the idea of it,
Not the partner you think you do
And my reasons are quite concrete;
You cannot end a toxic flame
That is burning you to the bone
Until there is another man
Lined up, or he leaves you alone
On his own terms; then you panic.
You jump to the next man you find
That is handsome and popular,
Not keeping character in mind.
It is all for show, but for whom?
I see through your silly facade
And I pity you as I can't
Fathom to ever once applaud
Such mindless need for disaster,
For he never does any good
And all you're left with is worry;
Of tragedy, 'tis your prelude
For you never listen to me
And hear only what you wish to;
I could never love in such ways;
Surrender myself as you do?
I'd rather never love to start
If I was quite as frail in heart.

In ten years, I believe my life will be great.

And every day that passes, I add on to it,
Memories swirling through my head.

Dreams of mine are sweet and simple
Elegant, in their own exquisite way
And I treasure them dearly
Dreaming of beautiful times to come.

In ten years from now, I'll be in love;
Not with just anyone, but he will be my
S o u l m a t e
In every shape and form; he'll protect me.
Dreams do come true; I'll prove it.
Everything will be okay, ten years from now.

most people read from left to right, not up and down.
read me from left to right, you'll understand what I really say;
read me up and down, you'll understand what I actually mean.
people are deeper than they are given credit for.
remember that.

You are the rain after a long winter,
The country stars on a midsummer night,
The soft breeze when I stand by the ocean,
And the peace after a long lasting fight.
You are the sweetness of innocent love;
You are as deep as that first broken heart;
You are untouched by time's strong clawing clasp;
You are living, breathing, magical art.

You are too young to die, they say
But now my friend is there dying
And here I am, healthy, alive
And I know they have been lying
For she is just my age, "too young"
With an ovarian cancer.
Her wedding and graduation
All in May-why?-give me answers!
Is this now some sick joke to life?
Where we all dream of full futures
And then when our dreams are brimming
Some win, the rest see raw torture?
It is a twisted circus act
Where the parents tell their babies
They will one day find love and age,
When that promise is a maybe?
We trust our mothers and fathers
To tell us the ways of the world
But here I am, too young to die--
Then there's my friend, a dying girl.

I want to believe that I'll be happy.
I want to try to enjoy while I can.
There is no cure at all for my problem;
Does that mean I won't feel normal again?
I was taught the rule: ignorance is bliss
And what I know now cannot be unlearned.
My issue lies in my beautiful life
And in the many memories I've earned.
My greatest pain rests in the idea of
One day losing the few people I love.

I give up now
I surrender
To my heartache;
I remember
All those moments
When I first fell
From heaven's bliss
To this new hell;
Still remember
Those tempting lies,
Those sweet kisses
And now goodbye...
I can't forget-
I won't forget-
Want to forget
For I regret,
But this is real
And now it's done
And here I stand
Back in the sun.
The light so bright,
The air too calm,
A lack of pain;
My empty palm,
No hand to hold,
No one to fight;
It feels so wrong
To be this right.

My heart is like an old butterfly net
That has a gaping hole torn into it;
What it catches flutters at its leisure
And leaves surely with time, or with the wind,
Leaving my heart empty and I'm sorry
That I cannot keep the bubbly-ness here.
I've been broken; I try but I'm a fool,
Holding on to something I've never held.

I am a butterfly nest
That holds caterpillars of dreams
And cocoons of potential.

They'll all grow to
Beautiful butterflies
Someday, one day.

Some butterflies are gentle
They all are colorful
And others have glass shards as wings.