The blood between my legs

Had you salivating

Like you hadn’t eaten in years

And I was a scotch fillet steak

Cooked medium rare

Seasoned well with salt, pepper and fear

Your favourite dish

Served with a side of underage and innocent

Drizzled with balsamic *******

The kind of meal that forces silence

In a room full of people

Fresh blood dripping on your lips with

Eat bite that you took

A sign of a good piece of meat

A sign of it being well cooked

When you finished you didn’t wipe

The grease across your face

You worn it with pride like it was war paint

My abusers are doing fantastic
I know what they did
I know what I became
under pressure, to save myself
I became
ten times as fantastic as them
as they'll ever be
I could carry their burdens
walking on razor blades
and I have,
and
I'll do it again

I watched myself die
Played it over and over
Scanned it for all the little details
How did this happen
When did this happen
Why did this happen
I saw myself fall away
Saw the parts of me I loved, leave
And the parts of me I hated, grow
I became super human
Able to shape-shift
I could break, shatter and crumble
And still come back together
You couldn’t see the cracks
But it took all of my efforts
To keep from falling apart again
I wept through the seams I sewed
And said it was sweat and maybe it was
After all I was working so hard
To keep track of all the pieces
I had left of me, the pieces
I didn’t lose when I watched myself die

i’d really love to thank her
for being so, so strong.
for not taking our life
when everything was wrong.
i don’t know how she did it,
the flashbacks paralyze me still.
must have been nothing
less than strength of will.
even sometimes now
i’d really like to back out
but i hear that small girl screaming,
“we can’t just give up now!”

It still haunts and keeps me anxious when silence comes in the form of uninvited guests at night, invoking the sense of melancholy deeply; like a salt rubbed on a fresh wound.
Part of me still wishes to turn back the time and rewrite the story, part of me aches for TABULA RASA~ a state of blank mind.
And part of me is still reeling on the nightmares which was my reality; while I was still trying to hold a grip over my sanity.
Monster exist in humans and sometime they're insidious like cancer. They eat you slowly while you're still unaware of the symptoms that you had to compromise with. The more you compromised and adjusted, the more it gave them the chance to deteriorate your worth.
I wore a smile and wore my mask of resilience so well that silently I bore the pain, while I was dying inside, yet nobody could see it with naked eyes.
And yet, I was blamed for all the repercussions I had to deal with.
And while the monster lurks around freely, I still walk on the path courageously, with fear but I'll keep walking on, even if it means to be alone.
Freedom is a lonely road.
👣

I said it’s not that you don’t care
It’s that I don’t need care
‘Cause nobody truly cares about me

I said it’s not that you don’t love
It’s that I don’t need love
‘Cause nobody truly loves me

Not the real me
Nobody knows me
Not the real me
Nobody knows me

Inside I want to die
But I stay alive

In touch with your mood
I move around you
I never damage your web

In tune with your head
I play your muse
Never off-track, instead

I don’t exist I
Only exist in my mind
I don’t enjoy I
Only enjoy my mind

this is not fair.
this is not fair.
i can't be there.
i can't breathe air.
i can't help bear
the weight she wears.
i want to share.
she knows i care,
but she's aware
i can't be there.
this is not fair
this is not fair

my love,
the world has given you so much pain.
i can't bear it for you
and it breaks me to watch.
but i will crawl with you
i will stumble with you
i will fight with you
and i will pray with you.
i wouldn't blame you
if you kept your eyes closed the rest of your life,
but i promise with everything in my soul
that if you decide to open them,
i will be the first thing you see

My then boyfriend
Now husband
Never forgave you for putting your hand on my thigh,
Casually mentioning the ******* beaches in the south of France.
Your daughter needed a chaperone on your family’s upcoming vacation.

You went and I stayed of course
The ******* beach all the poorer for my absence.

I am not the kind of girl who
Finds herself at Disney Paris at the end of the movie.
That’s not the way this movie ends, anyhow.

12 years later
One lung lighter
Tens of millions denser
and poised to send your daughter
to Dartmouth
Or Tulane
Or anywhere she’d rather.

She’ll have everything the world could offer her
In exchange for her father.

A parent shouldn’t have to know.

So I forgave you the hand thing
And the lewdness of a drunken survivor
Poised on the lip of an ever-widening hole.

If you asked to take me now,
I think I’d go.
I’ve always wanted to see the Louvre.
I can almost hear it:
The clicking heels and murmurs,
Your overwrought humanities professor explanations of this or that and me humoring you with appropriate reverence as always,
And the dead certain silence of the thing we will not speak about,
Pointedly conspicuous in its absence,
Filling the space between.

It's in the struggle of achieving dreams where adversity introduces a man to himself.
Those are the same moments where you brawl with the inadequacies that plague you. The grotesque sight of failed expectations and debacles that burden your mental like a clogged bathtub.

I've met myself on many occasions in the heat of adversity.
Each man different than the last, because I rejected each mediocre version of myself and demanded more - better!
I have done this until there was no more to meet.

I can't tell you who I am, but for the first time in many moons...I have met the person I worked so hard to be and just for a brief moment, I can finally be content with who I am.