We all bear scars in one way or other.
Some from loving someone too deeply and some others from losing someone or something that you cared too much for.
Some scars are intentional while some others exist for stupid silly reasons.
Some we are but some we are not so proud of.

I have scars all over my body.
All over my mind and all over my soul.

I have scars on my brain due to over thinking and over analyzing incidents that haven’t even happened yet.

I have scars on my eyes for shutting it more often, for being blind to things that should’ve been taken care of.

I have scars on my nose from all those endless snobs and sniffles from my horrifying past relationships.

I have scars on my mouth from speaking the truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth.

I have scars on my neck from getting choked up on false love and fake proposals.

I have scars on my shoulders from lifting up responsibilities that I was accustomed to from an early age.

I have scars on my hands from holding onto things that weren’t supposed to be mine from the very start.

I have scars on my chest from my ice cold heart that has been stomped over and over multiple times.

I have scars on my lungs from the “occasional” stress buster cigarettes that I am addicted to every now and then.

I have scars on my stomach from one too many butterflies that flew when we first met.

I have scars on my legs from running, miles away from people and that place I used to call home.

I have scars on my skin from the many tattoos I got done that helps me reassure my self-worth.

I have scars on my soul from trying hard to pull myself together, calm me down and compose myself through the rampant storm that’s been raging in my life.

I have all these scars. All of them.
And they don’t scare me now even though they hurt like hell, at times.
They’ve become a part of me and looking back, they are just reminders of who I was, what I have been through my life and the person it has made me become.
They don’t scare me anymore because they define who I am now.

A survivor.
"So tell me what scars do you bear?"
h m w Mar 8
Sometimes I force myself into this certain mood
One that my therapists weren’t able to conclude

I think I would describe it as if I were on the ocean floor
Beautiful yet isolated in the dark with no door

Life is calming and depressing yet beautiful in a way
I reminded myself that I ditched reality, I wasn’t one to stay

I have these tricks that I use to make myself feel numb
Some would say they’re dangerous, but at least they make my heart drum

Vodka tastes like water, and cigarettes feel like fresh air
When I use too much I sometimes pull out my hair

Sometimes these mechanisms make me cry
But people just label this beautiful thing as ‘high’

Once in awhile I want to stay in that trance forever with no end
Because why should it matter when I have no one to call a friend?

No one cares in my mind but maybe it’s because I want to be alone
Maybe it’s because I force myself to feel this pain down to the bone

Why do I love to hurt myself so much?
I love the way things sting when there’s pain to the touch

Maybe it’s a dark addiction out of the many I own
One where I would love for my life to just postpone

Once again as I write this I want something to make me numb
Or maybe I just took something to think I’m having fun

To pave a smile upon my face for only a few hours at most
I’ve asked myself multiple times, ‘how much to overdose?’

I have a relatively good life but a relatively gruesome mind
When I get in these moods, happiness is the hardest to find

I don’t want to feel happy again
I feel like my body is the one to condemn

I don’t want to feel like this necessarily
But the way it comes upon me is completely involuntary

I don’t want to get better
But don’t worry because this is not my suicide letter.

“Life is a precious thing. I've learned that in my time on this earth.”
Life is a precious thing. I’ve learned that in my time on this earth.

“15 whole years of being a speck in oblivion.”
Seventeen years of being a speck in oblivion.

“I'm crying as I speak these words. I wish I could have made a mark on this world.”
This time I’m not crying as I write this. I see that I don’t need to make my mark.

“You know...... Just one thing to be remembered by. God this is so fault in our stars.”
I don’t need to be remembered widely. Living in a few hearts is all I need.

“I'm not ready for this. Three weeks to do what? Sit here and rot away?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but everyday is a gift to live and enjoy.

“Sleep and say goodbye to everyone I care about. This isn't how life should work.”
Goodbyes will never get easier but they’re never forever and that’s how life should work.

“You're supposed to grow old with the man of your dreams and tell stories to your grandkids.”
I’m going to grow old with the love of my life and recall my glory days with them.

“To get married and run off with cans on the back of your car.”
I’m going to get married in an old church and drive off in a classic car.

“I haven't even gotten to go to prom and dance with the guy I like.”
Prom this past year was amazing. I’ve never felt more loved than dancing in his arms.

“Because I don't care what people think. I want to go to college and stress out about school and homework and tests.”
I could care less what people think. I’m going off to college next year. I’m stressed about applications, and homework, and papers.

“That’s what teenagers do. They don't have to worry about how long their going to live and if their best friend will come and say goodbye.”
That’s just what teenagers do. I’m lucky that I no longer have to worry about how long I’m going to live.

“They have two arms and two legs. They do sports and hang in groups.”
I’m missing one of my legs. I run track and play basketball. I see my friends most every weekend.

“They go to the mall and the skate park. They don't have to care about anything, but I can't help but care because I can't stand see someone suffer the way I have.”
We hang out at the mall and each others’ houses. We all care about something, we’ve all felt pain, and we all don’t want another to feel the pain we’ve had.

“I know things could be worse, but they could be better too.”
Things could always be worse, but they don’t get better than this.
A response to 15 year old me's poem "Me ranting and Crying about wanting what can never happen"
She Writes Mar 2
You took my innocence,
And stole my childhood.
I will not forgive!
I can never forget!

I will, however,
Move on.

I am not a victim,
I am a survivor!
What you did out of weakness,
Has made me stronger!
How does one openly share
With many strangers in a room
All the atrocities and scars
That mark your impending doom

Always leading with the heart
Has left it broken and rather dead
Causing the mind to eventually take over
Numbing you down to invisibility instead

Simply wishing to fade away
Into vast webs of silent misery
While a boisterous and opposing point of view
Keeps aiming for your victory

Strong-armed, not so gently, into a situation
That leaves you stripped down, sullen, and bare
Brings about complete and utter discomforts
All of which, you hope no one is aware

Longing for some connection
Though fearful of the start
Freezes you into a silence
Unable to be of any part

Your tongue becomes sluggishly thick
Appearing knotted, twisted, and tied
Oblivious to the surroundings
While your brain is quietly being fried

Amid the haze, a courageous voice is heard
   sharing pieces of a story
With similarities to that of your own
Sending reassurance throughout a weary head
That there is no longer a need to feel so lost and alone
One should never stop attempting to learn and grow as a human. Compassion needs to start with the self before it can be given to others...
Nel Feb 18
It’s 11am and I’m crying
I have a good life, right?
But there’s something terrifying
About not seeing the light

I hate this need
To open a vein
Maybe I’m the wrong breed
To be over this reign

I don’t want this control
I don’t want this life
It’s not like I have a big roll
So I reach for a knife

After your fingers were in me
I felt lost and thrown away
Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be
Tossed aside and left to decay

I go and take pills
I don’t bother to read the label
They’re now empty thrills
And I’m unstable

I can’t think straight
I can’t feel my body
Maybe I’m too late
To be folly

I start at my wrist
This isn’t a new practice
It’s now my bliss
But it feels like a cactus

But now





I awake to a door opening
And blood clinging to me
But I’m not door focusing
I’m worried about wound degrees

“You’re going to die”
It laughs in my head
But that no longer applied
As I fled

To my father
In the kitchen
“I’m sorry about our honor..”
He stood there and listened

“I love you.”
He said, with tears in his eyes
And now I made him blue..
At least my choice was wise
Nel Feb 16
It sucks
Being a survivor
Because the smallest thing
Can break you down

Like I thought I saw your father here
But that was foolish
Because he lives in Kansas

But I cried still
All because of your memory

The memories of court and fear
Memories of us laughing
Memories of you destroying me

I don’t want this
I don’t want this
I don’t want this


so this is survivor’s guilt I guess..

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
It’s not like you truly cared about me, but I think that hurts the worst. Because you gave up on me before I did.
Her eyes opened from the deep sleep,
She panicked...
Her body was wrapped in what felt like clear plastic wrap.
Trying to breathe, but she was Suffocating
How long have I been walking around like this?
She wasn't powerless though.
Wrestling, she managed to tear the cocoon that entangled her.
Gasping... she emerged out and took a deep breath in.
Alive, shes alive.
Stepping out of the cocoon, she smiled.
Knowing she was free.
She knew now she could fly.
She is me and I am her.
Soar my dear, you're alive.
I've been in this fog... trapped in trauma brain. Depressed and moping around. Today I feel I alive. I can't change what happened but I can take steps to create the life I want. I once was a victim, but now I'm a survivor. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Choices... I now have choices. I choose life. I'm alive.
Nyx Ursa Feb 20
July 20,2017

and here i am
   thousands of miles away
far from home
and i still cant relax

and here i am
   thousands of miles in the air
and my chest still feels as heavy as before.
no matter where i go, i can't seem to escape him and the memories
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