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Breathing by breath
Each time around
Moving inward
So does the sounds
Of the voices
Taking a stand
From within my head
Saying: rise from Your bed
Grow instead
I wrote this in dedication to saying no to the demons inside.
The small dinghy drifts
on the surface of the sea
its grayed gunnels, hull
and vacant crossbars
betray its age
but its persistent float
speaks its worth.

Without a bold goal
its life at the mercy of currents and winds
it drifts
but still it floats.

It would be easy to feel pity
for this tiny rudderless vessel
to condemn it to the depths
for its aimless oblivious
drift.

But this modest creation
a dinky dinghy
still floats
rises, falls, bobs,
and wobbles
a survivor of sojourns
she remains

a mocking
clocking
launch
of hope.
MissingKid Nov 29
I come from a battered & broken
home.
Where i always felt alone.
I entered the world so cold.
Looking to be wanted, needed & loved.
I found heartbreak & pain.
I never gave up.
I knew one day down this long lonley
road of life there is someone to love
for me.
The road of loveless and pain come to
all end when i found a friend.


Now i know no matter how long the road
of life is,
you always stand strong & hold your
headlight.
I am a proud native woman
HEAR ME ROAR.

                                  ~~ A Survivor

(aka Jewel,me)
I saw the tears in my mother’s eyes and the concern on my father’s face. I had no idea why or what was happening. ”what’s going on momma” I asked her. She didn’t reply, she just held my hand and started to cry.

Less than 40% chance is not what anyone would have hoped for. But you can’t change the odds; you can only fight against them.

When we found out that I had ALL,
(acute lymphoblastic leukemia) my family members tried to explain to me what was going to happen, but I know now that nothing in the entire world could prepared me for what was about to happen.

Before all this I could not imagine all the things that would happen. All the drugs I would have pumped through my veins, or even worse the ones taken by mouth. Trust me they’re not all that sweet Banana flavour. I could never even begin to think about all the treatments and radiation and piercing the port right through my skin. Words cannot explain to you the pain that I experienced just so I could stand here today and tell you my story.

Before I knew it I was hooked up to an IV and all my long blonde gorgeous hair was gone, once perfectly placed on my 2 year old head, now on my pillow.

Sitting in the hospital bed with the sounds of people crying and other children screaming out in pain and agony echoing through my head. But through the pain and suffering there was always someone there to keep me company.

Aside from my parents and family who were by my side the entire 3 years never giving up hope, my aunt Jamie was always there when I felt down. We would always have fun playing games and she would always paint my nails just to make me feel special. My grandmother, a retired nurse herself, was also another very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me.”

Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

After a while you realize that you’re stuck in the hospital for a while. In the hospital I met an Angel, and her name was Sarah. She was in the room next to me and she had leukemia too. She was a very sweet girl and we had fun together, she helped me not to feel as different. We shared a lot of things like pizza parties, we played in the art room and we gave each other the drugs that were impossible to take. It seemed much easier to swallow when she gave them to me, compared to 5 nurses holding me down while they poured it down my throat. Out of all my friends on the fourth floor she was the best. She was an amazing friend even if she was only 3.

But eventually all angels must go back to heaven. And about a year later my angel Sarah went back to heaven. She died in her sleep, because the doctors failed to find a match for her bone marrow transplant. It made me sad just to look at the empty bed on that fourth floor in room 420. Although it was 10 years ago that she died I will always remember her because she will forever be in my heart.

And even though she died along with other people I cared about like my friend Sister Jacklyn, death never crossed my mind. After her death I still never lost hope, and I promised never to give up. And even after I relapsed and had to start all over again, I promised myself to keep on fighting until I was just like everyone else again, until I could wake up in my own bed and run free without that ****** IV. No matter how painful a struggle no matter how long, I would have fought to eternity to be healthy again.

I was just a young child when I was first diagnosed with leukemia. A young girl who’s fate would have brought her to the grave. But look at me now. I am standing here in front of you and although I may be far different from all of you on the outside, I am still a person on the inside. My physical scars in time will heal, but my emotional scars will remain forever.

HTTP://www.******-in-oncology.com
I used to play with Lego blocks and Barbie dolls
I used to jump rope and write all over the walls,
Now I play spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven
I party all night and don’t come home till eleven.

I used to never care, about what I wear
I used to sleep with a mound of teddy bears
Now I put on make up to cover up my face
Now I wear fashion, not pink frills and lace.

I used to always do good in school
I used to always think I was pretty cool,
Now I bomb tests and always slack off
My parents don’t treat this as so soft.

I used to talk about little puppies, and kitty cats
I used to gag at the sight of snakes and rats,
Now we spend our time gossiping about who’s a *****
Who the most beautiful, and who looks like a witch.

We used to play with toys
Now we talk about the cute boys,
Every second you’re on the spot and being judged,
Every time you breathe someone’s watching.
You try to smile but it’s all an act
Don’t you feel as if you’re being attacked?
By hungry eyes that are just looking for a flaw
So they can get you with their claws.

What has happened to this carefree child
Who used to enjoy being crazy and wild,
They grew up and developed some sense
They learned to be more mature,
Or maybe it’s the other way around
May they didn’t grow up, just down,
Into a world where nothing is what it seems
Our image trashed just like our dreams.
I’ve changed so much, if change doesn’t hurt,
Then why do I feel so much pain?
No one wants to see your face
She thinks herself such a disgrace,
She has no confidence and doubts her worth
She wants to remove herself from the earth.

She sees herself all alone in life
She’ll never have kids or be a wife
She hates herself, she hates her world
And this is how it ends for the sad little girl.

In the morning at sunrise
She lacks the strength to open her eyes
An empty pill bottle and note on the door
Her lifeless body on the floor.

No one should feel how she did
All alone and love forbid
All she needed was to know someone cared
And maybe then she wouldn’t be lying there.
It was my birthday today but no one noticed, they were admiring Cara’s new outfit and shoes, but I didn’t complain cuz it’s not about me, it’s about everyone else.

I got an A on my paper but no one noticed because Lisa got an A+, but I didn’t complain, it’s not about me, it’s about everyone else.

I felt good about myself today but no one noticed because Stephany bought the same shirt and she looks better in it, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

My boyfriend dumped me today but no one noticed because Jenny’s cat died last week, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I started smoking today but no one noticed because everyone already smokes, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I became anorexic today but no one noticed because they think I’m fat anyway, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I killed myself today but no one noticed because no one ever does so why should today be any different? But I didn’t complain, It’s not about me it’s about everyone else, because before this happened, on the inside I was already dead.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology.com
Red is the color of passion and rage
Red is the color that keeps me turning every page.

Orange, though it seems calm, is the color of fire
It’s the color that holds all my desires.

Yellow makes me crazy and wild
But is also the color that makes me soft and mild.

Green is the color as strange as it may seem,
holds the key to my fantasies and wildest dreams.

Blue is the color of my oceans of tears
Blue is the sky with all my fears.

Indigo, although pretty, makes me miserable because it’s always
  Stuck in the middle of being happy and sad
  Stuck in the middle of being mad or glad.

Violet is last not least the color that could make me “tres triste”,
Happy or hunger for food
It is the color that decides my mood.

But what happens when all these colors bind
They make my heart
       My soul
       My mysterious mind.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
My soul is a dark and gloomy place
It lacks all sense of beauty & grace
A room with an entrance but no escape
It takes on a small and lifeless shape.

Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.
Allison Wonder © 2018
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