Unreciprocated love
It's a popular topic,
In songs and poems

The hurt you feel is so strong,
Always longing and looking.

What they don't tell you
Is how much it can hurt,
being on the other end.

Knowing that you could never understand
What they see in you
Or the depth of their affections

Knowing that you have broken someone.
You've fed the monster called fear,
And you know that you have only given them
more reason to doubt.

"I'm Sorry" you say.
Because it's the only thing you can say to someone,
When you have bruised their heart.

I wish you could understand,
Rejecting you hurts me.

We blame each other,
trying to find fault
until one comes to the conclusion,
Control is impossible.

Just like you can't force someone to love you
You can't force someone to unlove you.

So I let the anger go
And release you from your torment.
"End things on a good note" I tell myself.

So I do just that,
But no isn't in your vocabulary.
You will always be wanting and wishing
And hoping for me to change,
While I wait for you in turn.
But I guess we're both stubborn that way.

So I say goodbye to what we used to be,
Because we will never be the same.
Knowing that whenever you see me,
you will always want us to be more.

So rather then torturing you with a
distant, strained, friendship.
I scribble down my thoughts,
stick a stamp on it,
And watch it leave.

I had the last word.
I hope it brings you closure.
This is the last you will hear from me.

I hope I stay kind in your mind.
I hope I will be remembered as the girl who cared.
But I hope I fade out of your thoughts,
And be remembered as a dream.

Why do we distort beauty?
Beauty can be power, but it can also be a burden
I never understood, but now I do

When we are not bestowed with it,
We cage it by any and all means possible
We mock those who lack it and hate those who have it

Green monsters rise in us
We blur the pure with cold blacks and angry reds
We blame them while we try to be them
I suppose jealousy is a fickle thing

In the stories of old, they say one is blessed with beauty
To gain the admirable attention of others,
How it must feel to be dotted on

But then comes the curse
Of having too much attention
Of getting the wrong attention
Of being objectified and not respected
Of being catcalled in the streets and attempting to ignore crass comments and rude remarks.

Like the attention
Don't like the attention
To be called beautiful is such a nice thing
Until it's not.

I see you
I see through the mask you wear
I'm not fooled
So stop pretending you care

We both know
Your not who you say you are
The poison is slow
I can't believe you ever let it get this far

Stop lying to me cause i know the truth
They don't want you to speak
The demons that chase you
Let me show you the way
But, beware of the shadows that want you to stay

I can't pretend to know how you feel
So I won't but please know that I'm here
I don't want you to fall, but don't drag me down
Free yourself from this thrall
Or we'll both surely drown

Unveil your mask, break your chains
Open up your eyes
And you will soon see the enemy is bunkered
deep down inside

Tick tock tick tock

We are running out of time
The bombs about to blow
There is nowhere left to hide
Are you my friend or my foe?

I have stood by your side all these years
Exposed to your toxic radiation
Was it worth all the tears?
I'm done with this affiliation.

I have to throw up walls...
I have to refuse...
I wish I didn't have to,
But that's not possible;
At least not with you.

I love you and I've learned.
I can't give you everything.
Or you would just use me up.
The frustrating part?
You're unaware. Or your not listening.
It's the same either way.
It's for my own good
And yours too

Your reaction confirms I'm doing the right thing
Or you'd never respect my answer
(not that you really do now)
but I respect myself enough to say it.

I've been too lenient with you.
A realization that comes too late.
Like a mother and her child
Realizing her mistake during the tantrum.
The realization comes with the knowledge that you present understanding until met with opposition.
Contradictory texts and I now realize, painfully, you knew it was a big ask

....you just weren't expecting me to say no....

You don't respect my time. That much is clear. I just wish I realized it sooner.

I love the person I've become/but I hate the person I had to be to get to her/ I wouldn't write the younger years out/for fear of who that would shape her to be today/that is you would find a completely different person/still bathing in lukewarm water/or lost at sea in a turbulent trapped mind/unaware/and yet I wish I could pick and choose/to remove those images, those words, the fighting/not all the bad/but the biggest of these./Who would she be?

I’m clawing at my chest,
Because I want to make this itching ache stop
But I am unable to reach into my chest and grasp my stomach and clench my heart;
I am unable to tell it to stop its fluttering
Just as I am barely able to hold back the sob that wants to rip through my throat in an agonizing scream.
BUT I CAN'T.
Because I can’t do anything.
I have no control.

And normally I would be okay with that,
But in these moments losing control is the worst thing
Because it is the one thing I so desperately need.
Just when things are going well I collapse into myself again like an exploding star.

The cycle is repeating.
This is the hardest part. It’s the most painful.
It is crying all the time
It is anxious
It‘s having fidgety hands
It's headaches from furrowed brows
It's seeing the inadequacy of yourself and not being okay with it.
It's like having a microscope on yourself
Its being exhausted all the time because you can’t stop the overthinking, the analyzing, or the constant pity parties and comparisons

I’m sick of being so emotionally fragile.
I just want to move on to the next stage already
To the numbness that follows
So I can stop caring
Stop crying
Stop hurting so **** much

I just want it all to go away.
I want the pain and hurt to go away.
This ache isn’t numb, it's not sharp, but rather it is suffocating.
It is hands around my throat squeezing  just tight enough so that I feel like I'm dying, but aware that I can still breathe.

I let it all run
Thickly and quickly
I want them to see the messy horror of it all.
But it’s not all blood,
Rather it is the medium for my art:
Pictures of roses, cardinals, apples
The rouge on a woman’s lips
An  umbrella on a rainy day
A wool sweater
A pocket square against a black suit
The traffic light on the corner of the street...
Or perhaps I'll dip my quill in it and write
Because that's what writers do.

They turn all that red into something beautiful...

I pluck the weeds out of my head every season,
All the bad, the negative thoughts, the unhealthy habits,
so the flowers have room to grow.
Until the next season,
when the weeds regrow and I must pluck them again.
I grab the base, pulling up the roots,
Without roots, they won’t grow back.
They do.

Loss of Motivation. Check.
2. Procrastinating. Check.
3. Lowering Grades. Check.
4. Health Problems. Check.
5. Exhaustion/Lack of Energy. Check.


I can't help but stare at the F.
Like a crime scene photo of the ****** of my grades.
I missed classes. Deadlines.
Struggled with anxiety and depression.
And yet even though I am haunted by these feelings.
I can't bring myself to care.
I thought it was so many things.
but perhaps I have just fizzled out.
It just me.
My problem.
There's no foul play,
My brain just decided to commit academic suicide.
We threw the toaster into the bathwater,
and jumped right in.

Down the rabbit hole I go
Spiraling and falling,
I can't see the ground below

So many wonders and mysteries
This place, my Wonderland,
But lurking are the ghosts of an unwanted  history.

Girls like her peak in High School
Always thin
Good at everything
Great at sports
Beautiful
Lots of friends
Outgoing
Confident

Girls like me?
A wallflower
I'm not alone
I have sort-of-friends
I'm a shadow in the back of the class
Always silent
Mid-season I'm failing
Getting grades up just enough
for the final report card to say I'm "smart"
Fool the colleges i do
Silently being the only one who doesn't understand
But the class is moving on without you
Crying because I'm "not good enough"
Below/Average at sports
Never good enough for the team
Stuck on the sidelines
Always watching
My life is a TV program
I laugh and watch
But never feeling a part of it
I'm just a spectator

Girls like her peak in college too
Even more beautiful then before
A boyfriend to match
And a petite body that looks great in everything
Flying through college
Instagram model

Girls like me?
Flunked my first year
Home i go
More clueless than ever
"I changed my major" i tell them
I put on the act
"I know what I'm doing"
It's all a lie
A mask I wear
Falling apart inside
Feeling despair
The tears come easy
They come fast
How long will this misery last?
Comparing, Comparing
It's a bigger high school now
Except no one gives a **** this time round
I did this to myself
Want to fix it
Is it too much to ask for a win?
Medication helps the focus
I am making a plan

I'm learning
I'm finding myself
It's okay to take my time
It's okay if I'm a little slow
So why do i feel like I'm just fooling myself?
Everyone has a different path
I haven't given up
I haven't stopped moving
So why i am walking the treadmill?
Moving but still in the exact same spot?

I'm jealous of girls like her
They got it all
Wish things were different
Wish i was given their hand
Cause fate has delt me a rough one

She gets the grassy meadow
I get the stormy mountain
She gets prince charming
I'm still waiting
She uses her wit to defeat the witch
I escape and run through books and other things that distract

What is wrong with me?
Why can't i be good at things?
Why is this so hard?
I wish things came easy.

We were friends
Me and her
And i hate the green monster
that leaves me with this jealous anger

Stay away
Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat
All they do is cause me harm
All the doubts and pain creeps back
I keep reopening the wound.
Those negative thoughts i though were gone?
Well they are buried in the back of my mind ready to resurface.

This is just the beginning of my story
I know this
I am destined for greater things
I know this
I will make it
I know this
I will graduate
I know this

Yet, Girls like her
Leave me with lies that echo...

A thumb flicks repetitive across the screen.
Scrolling.
Images of faces, targeted ads and mundane art.

A random couple standing on the beach.
I pause for them.

His toad like appearance distorts my face,
One nostril scrunching up in displeasure at the belly that sticks out rounding into his chest so you can’t tell where his torso starts and ends, while a pair of swim trunks desperately attempt to cling to a skeletal waist.

Her body is normal aside from the concave stomach and the ***** that had clearly been poked at, flayed away, reshaped into an over exaggerated spherical shape.

Two figures clearly trying and failing to force their bodies to reject their aging fate, but they succeed in looking less human, and more like that of distorted dreams. Their skin is too dark, slicked up with oil, and all I can think of is when leather for skin became fashionable.

Their bodies are theirs to do as they please, but this new species of seal takes away the beauty of the water kissing the shore and I find the thought of these distorted figures mar my vision of the beach into a sour taste.

I can only assume its attention they want with the transaction they made: her youth for his money.
So tell me, is it not within my right to judge?
Is it?

I scold myself for being quick to judge with my eyes
though I cannot find myself to be sorry;
For they have clearly invested in their outwardly appearance.
For the sake of themselves or others who is to say?
But they parade through sand exposed, out on display.

My love has been left sitting too long/it has fermented into loneliness/nobody wants to be the last one standing/to be the last kid picked in gym class/it creates disappointment.

Emptiness wraps me in its cold embrace/There used to be more of us/but one by one they were picked off/Falling into the snare of an intimate relationship/I am merely a placeholder until they get the ones they will spend forever with/and that was ok...at least I thought it was.../

I had my cat/but now she is gone/The one constant thing in my life/I come home expecting to see her there/on my bed/laying in the sun/on the chaise with her favorite blanket/I said goodbye on a Thursday/and packed up all her things four days later/The reminder was too painful/And yet I have pictures of her everywhere/because I need her presence/Loneliness was never so bad because I was never alone/until now.

So yes I am growing bitter towards the idea of boyfriends./Boyfriends become priority/You become less of one/Maybe when I get one it will be different/But I have vowed never to forget who was there for me/but right now in this moment/I am sick of being abandoned/of being alone/Of grieving what I have lost and what I don't have.

“Post a time when you were at your lowest but no one noticed”
But the thing is when I was at my lowest, I never hid it, at least not in the long run
I let the blood from my struggles pour from my eyes,
It runs down my arms in vein-like trails and seeps into the creases of my palms
It runs down my fingers, filling the whorls and arches of my prints
Every touch contaminates and floods
I spread it on the surfaces, smearing and painting with red: startling like a cardinal in snow and thicker than wine
At times I regret being so open, thinking I should just keep things to myself
But that would be to go against my nature
To go against my deep desire for those I love to know every single intimate part of me;
To see me at my weakest.
Maybe it’s because there aren’t any secrets then
It’s just me showing the world that when im strong, im strong,
And when I’m weak, I’m weak.
I suppose I don’t feel the need to hide how I'm feeling or what I am going through.
To hide it would be far too much work
And I don’t have the energy to hide.

I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.

Today I am angry.
I'm angry that the car is ***** from my sister's dog.
I'm angry that the cat threw up on my bed.
I'm angry that I wasted time taking the family dog to the groomers when it was the wrong day.
I'm angry that I'm tired
I'm angry to the point that I want to cry and grumble
I'm angry that these dogs are pooping and peeing in the house and making a mess and nothing feels clean.
I'm just so ******* ******* ******.
At everything.
I'm angry that the water in the shower won't heat up.
I'm angry that whoever showered last left puddles on the floor.
I'm angry the sink keeps clogging.
Heck,
I'm angry that I woke up.
I'm angry at everything around me.
But I'm mostly angry at myself for allowing my anger to show
For letting it control me...
But it still burns viciously with an unquenchable hunger.

I made a new friend
She is short and sweet
She is the best
so happy we got to meet

We do everything together
We share all our secrets
Confide in each other
and embrace the uniqueness

We bonded so fast
And are both equally clumsy
We giggle at our mishaps
And our awkward tendencies

My friend has a boyfriend
She takes him everywhere
We all hang out
They make a good pair

But lately its been hard
There has been a lot of meetings
Used to have her to myself
This kinda feels like stealing

I am happy for her
I'm sure i would do the same
If i were in her position
I would surely sing his name

But I'm a single pringle
And this can make things hard
All my friends are dating
Guess i was dealt a different card

But i wish that they could know
How lonely it can feel
when you get stuck
being the third wheel

I've come to realize that social media does more harm then good for me.
It makes me covet and envy,
It makes me feel sad and hollow,
I makes me yearn...and wish...and cry,
It's all a mask.
Nobody shows the person that hides in the shadows of the corners of their soul.
And yet It still manages to infect and feed off my fears and insecurities.
So I do what I'm good at.I ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.

I had a dream
But not one I like

I was lonely
Though i wasn't alone

I can't remember
But do I want to?

Through open eyes Tears do spill
If now I don't sleep
I soon will

Another year gone by
Another year alone
I am used to this by now
Used to being on my own

I couldn't care less for Valentines day
It is chaotic and cheesy
It's too much of a cliché
My guy would get off easy

Singles awareness day comes after
That's the one I relate too
With my girls we celebrate together
They understand it like I do

We giggle and laugh
Cause we got something better
We make fun of all those couples
Singles stick together.

I once again feel as though I am imploding,
because all of this destruction is on the inside.
A black hole devouring light.
Sit in the front seat of a chaos theory lecture and attempt to pointlessly assign order in vain,
for there is no rhyme or reason,
only confusion and grieving.
But you will still look for the butterfly who dare flap its wings.
I've tried and failed.
It's a frustrating thing.
After all, you can't lasso gravity;
You can't force these atoms to come back together into a solid state,
just as I can't force my mind to stop thinking, stop feeling, stop breathing.

I'm mad at God
I've never been mad at him before
Always understanding and patient
I never questioned the purpose of the pain

The purpose of pain
I'm sure there is one
but I am tired
It is the same thing and I find myself trapped in a cycle of insanity
What is the purpose? What is the lesson? What am I missing?

I'm mad at God
Maybe mad is the wrong word
Frustrated. Hurt. Exhausted. Angry.
But not mad.
Its not so much a place of casting blame
but rather "what do you want from me!?"

How much longer will I have to endure?
How much longer will I have to cry out?
When will I see an answer?
You don't play mind games
and yet I am currently unconvinced of this

Unconvinced I have received any sort of healing
only led to believe so
"I don't know" has been a phrase I've said the most

So yes perhaps I am mad at God.
I don't know what else to feel when one is falling apart, even if they are falling into place.
The pain is still the same.

You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You only saw the side I wanted you to see
You saw the moon glowing in all her glory
Worshiping her more than she deserved
You didn't see the dark side
The side that didn't deserve praise and flattery
That left me with guilt
Because you were praising only half of me, thinking it was all of me

You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You always expected me to be the happy, bubbly person I could sometimes be
You thought something was wrong when I wasn't how you wanted me to be
"I'm fine" I say. And I really was.
Why can't I have my quieter days?
It can be exaughsting to be happy all the time
Sometimes I want to be expressionless

There were things I liked that you didn't know about
And there are things I have done that you didn't know about
If I told you, would you have seen me differently?
I know you would.

You never truly knew me
You only think you did
If I asked you a question about me, would you know the answer?
Probably not.
You knew what you saw, not the facts
You knew the moon glowed bright, but quickly forgot that there are two sides.
Just like you forgot that every cycle the moon goes dark.
It doesn't glow or shine brilliantly
It doesn't bathe you in moonlight and light your path
It leaves you blind in a night without shadows, without light

You knew the full moon, you never saw the New
Cause if you did, you would have left me alone

I want...
              To write...
                               A happy poem...
                                                              But I am...
                                                                                  Still waiting...
                                                             For the day...
                                      When I...
                  Will be...
  Truly...
                                ...Happy.

If my life was a book
Would anyone read it?
Would it be happy or sad?
Romance or Action?

If my life were a book
Would it be like a John Green Novel?
Or would it be morphed into Fantasy?
Would it be filled with Mystery like a Nancy Drew volume?
Or filled with Drama?
I think i would be a trilogy; possibly more,
Because one book won't even cover a day's worth of thoughts.

If my life were a book
Would it be made of experiences and feelings?
Contemplating the small stuff
and finding the beauty in everything?
Would it be like Narnia?
Everything metaphorical
Filled with personification and anthropomorphism.

If my life were a book
Would my inner demons become monsters or a curse?
Would my love interest be a charming prince?
A rouge outlaw? Or someone i would least expect?

If my life were a book
I can only hope it would be a great adventure.
One with foreign lands and exotic animals.
One that defies gravity
And goes against everything we can imagine

If my life were a book, if one were to read it,
They would learn more about me in a hundred pieces of paper
Then they could in a day.

If my life were a book
One could possibly know me better then i know myself
Because we often reveal more than we intend to without ever knowing it ourselves.

I ******* up...again
I always ***** up.
I can never do anything the way i want to
I am so angry at myself.

I hate these thoughts
I want to love myself
But i can't help but hate myself

These demons are always haunting my mind
I try to have good thoughts; positive thoughts
But like the pessimist i am, i think about the bad

Like a trick candle
when i think i have snuffed the demons out,
When i am starting to love myself again
They come back whispering unwanted thoughts
And then i spiral
And i think about all the faces that pity me

I am being too ******* myself, I know
And yet despite this
I still feel the lonely ache
As i wonder why success is always in front of me
But out of reach
Like a forbidden fruit I can never have.

I am worn
Tears threaten to spill
An oncoming storm
Thunder rolls with anger

They are testing the waters
Don't you see the dark clouds approaching?
There is a shift in the air.
Can you not  feel it?

Pushed too far
I'm about to burst
A darkness is descending, beware

I'm reaching my limit
You better watch out
Like a cloud i can only take so much
Before I break from the weight.

I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.

I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,

And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.

I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.

Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"You're pathetic"
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling


I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once

I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win

So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.

Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
Thanks mom.

Holy water cannot help you now
Thousand armies couldn't keep me out
I don't want your money
I don't want you crown
I've come to burn your kingdom down
And no river or lakes can put the fire out

What do I do with the burning in me?
Should i share it or burn alive?

Awaken every dragon
Awaken every wolf
I am hell with skin
Not a gentle human

There is something hiding behind my eyes and inside my soul
They should have checked the ashes
Of the woman they burned alive
Cause all it takes is a single wild ember
To bring a whole wildfire to life
We rise from ourselves, when the pain has dried us out
Cause there is nothing left in our hearts after the drought

War is not a game

I'm not the monster you think i am
I'm just the monster you wanted me to be
You can hate your demons
With all that you are
You can yell and scream
Curse them with all your heart
But at the end of the day
They're the only ones that see your scars
When you remove the mask that hides your face
They're the only ones that see who you really are

We are a new breed rising
With fire in our eyes
We don't fear anything cause we have already died
Molten eyes and a smile made for war

Oh so you want a battle i will give you a war
You will have to wade through blood
You will have to give everything up
But then you will be washed clean
Judge me if you want we are all going to die
I intend to, i deserve it

You want a fight, ill bring you the war
But take off the masks and let your monsters soar

So hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beast under you bed
In your closet
In your head
Cause monsters don't sleep under your bed
They hid and they manifest inside your head

We all have our demons and skeletons hidden away
The war that is coming won't change our fate
We all will die, we all get a grave
There is nothing you can do to change your fate

Are you the hero or villain? There is no difference
We have been blurred grey till we can't tell the difference
A villain  is a victim who wasn't saved
A hero is haunted day by day

Everyone will always be a monster
There's no turning back
But what type is up to you

My thoughts are too dark
You'd suffocate in them
Stop hiding a part of yourself away like the moon
We will be revealed soon

I'm writing about you again
My strange stranger

You visit me in my dreams
but I can't see your face

You have such strong arms
To wrap around me
They comfort and protect

You are at least a head taller than me
Enough so to rest your chin on my head

There is warmth and trust, so much trust
I curl into you

You are my best friend and partner
Doubt never creeps
I can't explain it

You smell of clean laundry and something familiar
You say I smell like vanilla

As you run your fingers through my hair
You stare with loving eyes.
They are never the same color.
Sometimes a blue so deep I could swim in them
sometimes a green so vibrant I can't help but stare

Your hair never stays the same either.
Sometimes its dark, sometimes its blonde
But always so thick and soft

I yearn for you
My heart aches
So much so that I want to cry

I wish you were in my life already
But one minute I'm ready and another I'm not
I'm sorry if I keep you waiting,
But please know, I'm on my way
And I hope you are too
Please be patient and wait,
Wait for me...

I hope that your heart doesn't belong to another
But if it does, It can only lead you to me,
A better person than before.
Mine is still new and I can't wait to give it you
And I hope you are the only one I give it to.

I'm afraid of myself
I fear my own gullibility and nativity
It frustrates me that I can be so easily deceived

I keep an open mind, never taking words for truth
My conciseness warns me and keeps me sane

I don't want to be lied to or manipulated
I don't want to be part of your stupid game
You laugh when you think I believe you
It is nothing but a game.

It worries me
Someone I once thought of as a friend
Is a creepy predator in someone else's eyes
She told me what he did, who he really is
Do I take everything to heart or only half of it?

And yet it makes sense
I think I saw the signs.
I think I knew better

There was a reason I never told him my address
There was a reason I never wanted to be alone with him

He would smile and call me nicknames
I always felt unsettled
That little voice telling me
Looks like I knew better

I wish I had the power
To tell the deceptions apart
I wish I could see auras,
So I could know from the start

Do you genuinely like me?
Or are you just pretending?
Why do people lie and hurt
to those who don't expect it?

I hope your happy now
Did you enjoy yourself?
Cause You made a fool out of someone
Leaving them with broken trust.

If i were to paint a picture of the thoughts in my head
There would be cold blacks and lonely blues, with hints of  angry reds and melancholy purples. a lively green peeking its way through.

If i were to paint a picture of my soul
There would be firefly yellows and apple reds
As well as autumn hazels and summer fire oranges
with streaks of that lonely blue and speckled with comforting lavender. A rainy gray softening the edges.

If i were to paint a picture of my eyes
There would be warm chocolate browns with flicks of fiery golds.
Blessed to be wide, wise, and curious like that of a doe, along with Long lashes for butterfly kisses.

If i were to paint a picture of my body
There would be rounded shapes, subtle tones, with flowers growing from her hands, all configured into a short, symmetrical figure.

If i were to paint a picture of my smile
I could only hope it would be beaming with the colors of sunshine.

If i were to paint a picture of you
You would be a blank canvas, because i have yet to meet you.
But I'm sure that you would be a beautiful, chaotic, masterpiece, waiting for a painting of me.

I wish you were here by my side
When your not it makes me want to cry
I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I cannot bear for us to be apart

I am bad at goodbyes, I told you this
Sorry if I'm not making any sense
I can't help but feel left behind
Even though it's all in my mind

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Do you feel the same pain and sadness that I do?
I can't help but wonder if you love me as much as i love you.
I hope and know that's not true

I'm in despair at the absence of your presence
It must be this thing we share and possess
I know i will see you soon
But soon is too far away when I'm missing you

Beware the snakes beneath your feet
Beware the guys who are lonely and nice.
Beware the ones who lie with smiles
And look at you with hidden lust

Listen to the voice in your head,
The one screaming "Beware!"
As soon as you turn your back the viper will be there
He is always lurking, nipping at your heals
Making you think your safe while waiting to strike
He will put candy in your drink or let you doom yourself

You've given me no reason to doubt,
yet I find myself wanting to escape.
This feeling in my gut, I head it's urgent warnings
Stay with the crowd, don't let him get too close.

What is going through your head?
What do you really think?
What goes through your mind when you look at me?
You say let's have a drink.

You scared me, so I reacted.
I hurt you, as witnessed by the angry red on your skin.
It was all fun and games, at least at the time.
And it makes me sick to think
That you liked it when I did that
When I showed you my strength

Beware the cunning snake, they are the most unpredictable
At least fuckboys know their jerks,
You know what their after.
What you see is what you get,
It's almost honest in a sense.

Looking back I see it,
All the little signs.
Good thing I stayed clear
Good thing I drew the line

It is obsessive,
Your emotions towards me.
You would hurt me if you thought it best
You would tell me not to cry
Whispering delusional I love you' s

I am always looking for you
Expecting to see you watching
Cause I am afraid of the beast I unleashed
When I gave you nothing

I saw it in your eyes very briefly,
The anger and coldness.
The reason to keep my distance.
I'm glad I broke your heart
So I'm not put in unwanted positions

You tell me your sick
I question your words.
If its pity your after,
If your trying to make me stay,
Well I'm sorry to tell you,
But this stops today

You're drowning
And I won't let you pull me down too,
So I block you on snapchat, on Facebook, and Insta.
I delete your number and the voicemails you left,
Because the relief I feel lets me know
That I made the right choice by letting you go.

When your here
You frustrate me
I want you gone

But when your gone
I miss you like crazy
While wishing you were here

Love this
Love that
Lots of poems about broken hearts

They are beautiful,
But I can't relate

Never have I given my heart to someone who would give it back
Always cautious
Always waiting

But now I'm doubting
Where are you O love of mine?
Perhaps lost in the middle of the sea?
Riding a camel across an inescapable dessert?
Are you waiting for me too?
Cause I have been waiting for you.

What are you doing at the moment?
What do you regret?
Are you as lost as me?
Or are you waiting for me to catch up?
I think of you often.
Do you think of me?
Someone with no face or name, but who still exists.

I dream of you
The faces change but you are always warm,
Always there.
Loving the parts of me that need love,
And embracing the parts that are living life

I don't want to be another novel
The ones about two broken people that find each other
Because that's not love
Its close, but not the same

Like a puzzle I want to fit with you.
Perfect for each other,
Filling up the empty spaces.
When I'm scared you'll comfort me,
And when your down I'll lift you up

Until then I will wait
And I'll wait
And I'll wait
Because waiting will be worth it
Will be worth YOU

So instead of leasing my time out to someone who will waste it,
Instead of picking up the shattered pieces of my soul,
I will save my unscarred heart for the one who sees forever in me

She was the queen of poisons,
Pretty to look at
But deadly

She has many names
and wears a purple hood,
she chases the wolves away.

Consuming her is lethal
You'll never see her coming,
She will burn you from inside
and leave you paralyzed.

She will steal your breath,
Make you numb,
And listen as you whisper your last words.

She is a killer queen
She'll end you from inside,
best watch out for that purple shroud
Or she could steal your life.

I stare at the girl in front of me
The one trapped in the mirror
She stares back
She looks just like me
Well; not just like me
She has a worn face
And sad dull eyes
She tries to smile
But it's lifeless, tired
Her complexion is pale
Her lips dry
Tears leak down her face
But the rest of her is still
She wipes away the tears
Only to look at the moisture on her fingers
Its like she didn't even know she was crying
"What is wrong with me?" she asks
"I'm sick of crying" she says
Me too...Me too...
I feel something crawling down my face
Wipe my fingers across my cheeks
They come back wet
I'm crying?
I look back to the girl in front of me
Realization hits
It's me
This girl in the mirror.
She is me