When the feelings run and hide
and when there is nothing left inside.
I cannot even begin to disguise
the fact that I have cemetery eyes.
An empty shell, a carcass, a husk,
autonomic movement from dawn to dusk.
I will not allow my emotions to rise
and bring back life to my cemetery eyes.
There are words I just cannot repeat,
questions and probing, an enforced retreat.
The shutters fall, there is no compromise,
nobody sees behind my cemetery eyes.
© Pagan Paul (2018)
It follows me,
Every step that I go,
Never leaves me throughout the day,
Sometimes disappears at night,
But once I step under the light,
The evil side of me escapes my body
And hides beneath me,
The disappearance doesn't mean its gone,
It only escapes from me ,
In the absence of light
My shadow surrounds me,
Overwhelms me and causes my pupils to become narrow,
When my eyes magnify the darkness
Nothing can escape my sight.
The darkness is mine,
This time I follow my shadow.
When the light comes piercing through my window as the sun rises,
My shadow wakes up behind me as I stand.
My shadow is small,
My shadow goes through everything
I go through in the day.
As I fall apart from the dreadful experiences
Of the human life,
I am forced to become strong.
Yet my shadow is left untouched, unhurt, unaffected.
Yet, maybe that is needed in order to stick with me.
If it knew human emotion perhaps it would escape.
When I was with her,
She had a shadow too.
When I was with her,
My shadow was paired and it extended itself under the sun.
Now I'm not with her,
Perhaps my shadow feels the tearing away
Of what was once a part of it.
My shadow doesn't boil like i do under the sun,
My shadow forgets.
Can I be like you?
Lets switch places for a day.
Because in humanity,
Even sleep is not an escape from the nightmares.
The conquest notch on the heart,
a symbol of success and achievement.
But another year closer to the grave
reflects the sadness of old bereavement.
The love of life has long driven passed,
a life of love into the darkness been cast.
The symbol has slipped so far away,
the notch has healed and had its day.
So now the heart is as cold solid stone,
and I climb the stairs to bed alone.
© Pagan Paul (01/01/18)
the world is blank
my thoughts so empty
like the coffee i drank
so bitter, dark, unflavourful
unable to think
no spark of inspiration, no spark of creativity
all gone in a blink
our efforts wasted
your very life ending
but me, I am like a tree been blasted
living- but barely, like a wilted sapling
what is the purpose in the world
society full of two dimensional people
the infinite paths that once unfurled
where did they lead to? only death
save me from this world of insanity
this world of pain, dread, and despair
alone in this endless night,
suffering, striving, one last step
no, my thoughts ebbing as i write
unable to continue, one more line
save me from this eternal dream
a dream of endless possibility
but without you, its only a nightmare
where did you go? where are you now?
I'm all set but still I wander around as if I don't belong, I don't know what it may be but even if my aesthetics draw attention, I could never physically keep it. I don't do much to keep up my appearance because I'm undesirable in any case. I hold the broken in close regard, but I don't love the way I supposed to. I'm attracted to the damaged but it hurts when I can't approach it.
Is there truly a pain and displeasure in loneliness or am I just a wreck, seeking attention in all the wrong directions? I have no love for the clinging desire to be wanted but it aches to be pushed aside. If the computer screen is the only place I feel a spark, why is it that I'm always looking for a bodily presence that may never come in the dark.
I despise picking up shattered pieces from the ground because I know the truth is that the love I seek is not within these dangerous encounters. Maybe the broken are all one magnetic field of which we cannot guarantee any escape and I've been bleeding out so I've been neglected now. Loneliness is the epitome of damage and I'll never get out.