I’m clawing at my chest,
Because I want to make this itching ache stop
But I am unable to reach into my chest and grasp my stomach and clench my heart;
I am unable to tell it to stop its fluttering
Just as I am barely able to hold back the sob that wants to rip through my throat in an agonizing scream.
BUT I CAN'T.
Because I can’t do anything.
I have no control.

And normally I would be okay with that,
But in these moments losing control is the worst thing
Because it is the one thing I so desperately need.
Just when things are going well I collapse into myself again like an exploding star.

The cycle is repeating.
This is the hardest part. It’s the most painful.
It is crying all the time
It is anxious
It‘s having fidgety hands
It's headaches from furrowed brows
It's seeing the inadequacy of yourself and not being okay with it.
It's like having a microscope on yourself
Its being exhausted all the time because you can’t stop the overthinking, the analyzing, or the constant pity parties and comparisons

I’m sick of being so emotionally fragile.
I just want to move on to the next stage already
To the numbness that follows
So I can stop caring
Stop crying
Stop hurting so **** much

I just want it all to go away.
I want the pain and hurt to go away.
This ache isn’t numb, it's not sharp, but rather it is suffocating.
It is hands around my throat squeezing  just tight enough so that I feel like I'm dying, but aware that I can still breathe.

Between us,
the root of the combined vertical and horizontal both framed expands,
the quotient as orbit is sliced by permanently infinite grows,
the aftermath of temporal magnitude magnified by velocity widens.

Are you letting me go?

I have this aching feeling inside of me
I feel as if my chest is being torn apart
piece by piece.

It has come out of nowhere.

I feel it deep inside of me, and it's hurting.
I feel like SCREAMING.
I want to cry.

it becomes uncontrollable.
I need to rip my heart out.
I want it to stop.

What is happening to me?
What is this feeling?

I've never felt this way before
I'm falling apart and I don't understand.
What is causing my wanting to rip apart open my chest?
I need to relieve this intense, insatiable, itching inside of me.

I am in pain and I don't know why.

i wish i had two heads,
so that i could spot what was real and what was fake.
one for seeing straight through cracks to make up for the rose-colored glasses the other wears.
perhaps this way i could be ready for the hurt.

My body is falling apart
I crack my right-hand pointer finger
And it gets sore, each time I do it
Crunching, more than popping
And aching as it does

The fingers on my right hand
Don’t type right anymore
The pinky, ring, and middle
All tight and unforgiving
Clumsily stumbling across the keys

My jaw,
Pops and cracks on the right side
Always sore
Always an aching sort of pain
That clicks when I chew gum
And think about talking too much

The bones
On my right foot
Don’t look quite right
They bend in the wrong places
The skin above them blue
atop sticking calcium, where the skin should be smooth

my body is falling apart
and that is a metaphor
the right side
is falling apart
and that is a metaphor
because my body is falling apart
the right
is falling apart
and it is a metaphor
it is a metaphor
god
It is a metaphor
A broken metaphor

I have to be honest
thought you were flawless

turns out you’re not
and those imperfections
make you ******* hot

there’s no one like you
and it’s my heart I have to stick to

these other guys can’t bring me pleasure
for me, you’re the only real treasure

I have to be honest with me
it’s still you, all I see

so for peace at heart
I prefer falling apart

that’s my point of view
it’s better to crave your emotions
than knowing someone new

so baby, once you read this
and realize it’s about you
just come through.

- gio, 01.05.2020