You can't control feelings.
Feelings control you.
I thought about this while I was eating a whole cake by myself and I have no regrets.
I put all my eggs in one basket
and hurt myself over and over,
I push people away and don't know why
I get frustrated and usually cry.
I tend to hold my breathe
not being able to put my mind to rest,
what's the reasoning behind
my feelings of mistrust and worry?
why do I get so attached
not know how to hold on?
for me I know when it's solid
I can feel it eventually being a safe space
I can feel it getting old and fading out.
every time someone incredible is uncovered
a way is found for them to leave me.
whether it's my own doing
their life leading them else where.
habits are hard to break/
and the effort and time it takes/
to break the loop your brain has subconsciously traced/
are far more than the time it took for the habit to form in the first place
for me, all habits die hard
I have this feeling thats gnawing at my stomach, i know it all too well.
But i have a goal to reach and if that means falling into bad habits, watch me leap from the top of the mountain.
If it means bruising and my head spinning out of control, watch my skin turn blue as i turn and turn and turn.
If it means that my mothers worried look will return and my friends will start distancing themselves, watch me walk this road alone and in pain.
Because pain means suffering and suffering means loneliness and loneliness means that i need to reach my goal alone.
I only hope that this time i'll be capabel of using a parachute on my way down and stop myself from dissolving when i hit the ground.
The ground is my goal and oh god i hope i make it.
New faces blend with the old,
New actions old reactions.
But I beg you to prove me wrong,
To stick around long enough
To show me the beauty in vulnerability,
Rather than manipulate my exposure
Into a silenced black and white film.
Chain smoking in the car
But I’m livin large
Just tryna make a means
I don’t know what all this means
So all I can do is try to live my life
In the best way, sometimes I know it ain’t right
Bad habits and good times
Just may be the death of me
But all I’m lookin for is the light
Because this world just doesn’t seem right
I know there has to be more
Than simply black and white
Part 3 of a drunk series
I hadn't yet grown into my body
or my mind,
but I never had the time
to worry about it.
I guess I can see it now
when I keep my eyes open,
and I remember it was such a hard habit to stop
sleeping with one eye open,
and I'm afraid of going back.
I know my mind is pretty enough
when I imagine a garden
and even though it might be dying,
I'll plant plastic flowers.
will anyone notice the difference?
can you spot the differences?
I’m no good at merrymaking
I do it alone
I do it dark
And I go at it with rabid excess
I am fellow to it
And I make the morning hurt
A mark is embed
Amoungst great company
I am dog unwanted
In the comapany of one
I am villain bird
I am influence
I hit a drinking partner in the weak knees of weak truths
And things go madly south
But tonite I am alone
As I ought
And not sought out
Astray from the fireside
Into the woods
In the territory
Where I fear to thread the pathways
I shall recover my work
In the graven woodland
I shall face myself down
And bed darkness
Where I am truely wed
Thriving and well hausted
I strain and clamp upon the energy
I face my enemy
I bide from his readings
I make ****** pleasings
Form verbal greeting
And extend a hand
The first of many a meeting
Upon this connection
This Faustian reflection
I make the primal
The woe in me
And the red wash of ravenous pages
My moulded tool
My howl against creativity
I remember where it all began:
It was us, savouring our youth.
Building habits, creating memories
That I will always keep with me.
The taste of your lips,
Our long drives home,
It's the way that you made me feel
That I will surely miss.
I won't go back to the start,
Maybe twice of it were too much.
Neither were good nor bad,
But it was definitely all worth it.
July 3, 2019 - 13:15
I am lost on how to process things right now. This piece shouldn't have ended if I put all of my thoughts into words. This one's for you, B. Au revoir~