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Eyithen Mar 18
I don't mean to be insecure
But sometimes it happens
I think you only like me
Cause I'm "confident", you say, and that's "rare".

But let me let you in on a little secret
It all feels like a lie
Sometimes I AM full of this energy of self-love
And other times I can hear those words being whispered into my ear: unworthy, ugly, insecure, little girl faker, puppet, doll

And I can feel the burn in my eyes
The one that tells me, as my throat tightens, that I might just cry
I want to be that girl you see
But I'm afraid if I let you in

If I let you see that I sometimes break
You won't like me anymore
Cause I'm nothing but a fake, however unreal that may be
You'll think I'm just like all the other girls you've dated
Thinking I'm fat and ugly, never comfortable in my own skin
And what if I told you, you were right?

But only sometimes.
And maybe if I had someone like you to stay,
It would only fortify the strong parts of me.
Because love only grows with love.
Eyithen Mar 18
I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into myself, and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into a ball, biting my tongue, grasping my pillow and crying.

Why you ask? Because tonight it hit hard.
Because tonight I can't get over this feeling of loneliness
Because tonight I wondered how anyone could ever love me
Because tonight I wondered why I was still alone
Cause tonight I just wanted someone there, and there was no one.

Oh this bitter, painful, insecurity that comes with the lack of experience in the love department.
No first kiss, no boyfriend, no remotely normal guy has pursued me.
And by normal I mean not weird, awkward, obsessive, a creep or stoner or someone just looking for something physical.
Maybe once there was a guy, but only once. One night. One date. And then he left.
Mar 16 · 1.7k
I am hurt but....
Eyithen Mar 16
I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.
Oct 2019 · 791
Social Monster
Eyithen Oct 2019
I've come to realize that social media does more harm then good for me.
It makes me covet and envy,
It makes me feel sad and hollow,
I makes me yearn...and wish...and cry,
It's all a mask.
Nobody shows the person that hides in the shadows of the corners of their soul.
And yet It still manages to infect and feed off my fears and insecurities.
So I do what I'm good at.I ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.
Sep 2019 · 168
Eyithen Sep 2019
Duck duck goose
Duck duck goose
The same old routine
Stuck on a loop

Like a new found song
Played over and over
Story of my life
Wish I wasn't sober

I'm stuck in the mud
Stuck in this town
Ready to get out
Before I dumb down

Ring around the rosie
I have already fallen down
There is no exit in sight
Every time I turn around

I write my own songs
They aren't very good
But they are mine
They tell you where I've stood

They start to sound the same
After a while
Same chord progressions
All my thoughts compiled

1 2 3, 1 2 3,
What will i do now?
Hopefully something different
If my brain will allow

Play then rewind
Maybe I'm insane
Because I keep doing the same old thing
Thinking things will change.
I'm sick of the same old thing everyday, I'm ready for something to change. My way doesn't work, time to break this pride.
Jul 2019 · 220
Eyithen Jul 2019
I was told I talk too much so I never made a sound
My voice fading until buried six feet underground
I was told I was annoying, that I should just shut up
And people wonder why I'm so quiet
I would try to speak over the ocean waves
I gave up, no one interested in what I had to say
My voice now but a whisper floating on the wind
You wouldn't hear it unless you really listened.
But no one did and no one ever would
Because no one really cared about the girl and didn't see why they should.
I'm the girl that suddenly stopped talking because I felt like I was bothering people.
Jun 2019 · 166
Fake a smile
Eyithen Jun 2019
Many guilty unsure whispers
Through capable, crooked, smiles
Perfectly gleaming unspoken problems
Jun 2019 · 204
Eyithen Jun 2019
The empty versions of neverending pain screams out blood and truth.
Jun 2019 · 194
Ball and Chain
Eyithen Jun 2019
I wish you could understand how hard this is
I wish you could understand just how heavy everything feels
I wish you could just see that something is wrong
But I wish you didn't try to fix me

I know you see my agitation
I know you hear the attitude in my voice
You think its just me being emotional
I just had a bad day

I wish you could leave me be
I wish I had some peace
I wish I had a reason
I wish I had words

But I don't
I can't explain the exhaustion I feel
I cant explain the headaches
I can't explain the weight of it all
I can't explain the desire I feel to just give up

I wish it could be simple
I wish it could all go away
I feel like I'm drowning in a think cement of anxiety and depression….
Its overwhelming

I want to stay away
I want to escape
I want everything to disappear
I want things to change

So why am I still stuck?
Why can't I move?
Why is it I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do?

You try to talk to me
You try to hear me

You say you understand
You say you know how I feel
You say you went through the same thing
But that was a long time ago

If you really understood you would leave me alone
If you really understood you would let me breath
I you REALLY TRULY understood you wouldn't be pushing me like this.

I know your stressed but I am too
You say I'm not doing enough,
Like all the effort I put in is nothing
I say I'm busy, but you say I'm not
I'm not doing enough

You're not me!
You don’t know my life
You don’t know me!

You compare me to Her even though you say you don't
Is nothing I do good enough!!!
I am trying to find my way but its not fast enough for you.
I need time, I need patience,
You're riding on the back of this bronco.
I'm not in university, I don't have good influencing friends according to you.

Apparently I make the wrong decisions.
Do I disappoint you?
Just because I'm not at the same spot as Her?
But its not enough.

I feel like I'm going to break
I feel like any day I'm just going to stop caring
I have already been slipping downhill.
I haven't been taking care of myself and it shows
But your too wrapped up in everything else to see it

I know you need the support
I know its been ******* you too.
But please SEE ME
Please Hear Me
Sorry guys, just a frustrated, overly emotional, vent. Not sure if this is even considered poetry at this point, so I don't know if this belongs here. (I used lots of repetition though; that's a poetry thing, lol) But I'm sure many of you might feel the same way sometimes  even though these words don't fully express the emotions bubbling over.
Jun 2019 · 254
Blackout Poetry
Eyithen Jun 2019
I'm being chased by a monster of my own design.
Jun 2019 · 144
Eyithen Jun 2019
Even though I have never really drowned,
I know what it's like to hold your breath for so long,
That when you take that first gasp,
You feel as though it is your first time breathing.
Jun 2019 · 230
Eyithen Jun 2019
They're always in my face,
Asking if I'm okay.
I may not be be okay
But I'll act like it is anyway.
Jun 2019 · 86
Not quite depressed
Eyithen Jun 2019
I dress classic and can speak country
I'll throw back one too many shots if you let me.
I like to listen to songs that will make you think I'm depressed,
It's only cause I like how they get in my head.
Listen to me a few seconds more,
And you'll realize, I'm more damaged than you gave me credit for.
There's something wrong with me; I don't know what it is,
But it's got me going crazy wondering if this is it.
Feels like I've tried everything, but nothing is working,
Demons in my head are cunningly lurking
I want to let go and sink into the darkness,
There's nothing; mind going numb until I'm awoken.
Jun 2019 · 99
A dark thought.
Eyithen Jun 2019
...I sometimes think...
......the only reason we fear the dark... because deep down...
............we know... easy...
..................we could fall into it...
...And that idea scares us...
......because we have... idea...
............of the destruction...
...............we are capable of...
Eyithen May 2019
Dear authors and poets,
                      With works that inspire and bring tears,
                       Do you intend the interpretation?
                       Do you mean what we think?
                       Or do you simply write and let us make-up what we
                       Want to see? What we need to hear?
                       We are taught be scholars the deeper meanings,
                       Metaphors, and life lessons.
                       We give you so much notoriety and acclamation.
                       Is it deserved?
                       Maybe it is maybe it's not.
                       We may never know.
                                                                 An aspiring writer
I have always wondered. Do authors intend for their work to be as deep and meaningful as we have learned?
Eyithen May 2019
I'm afraid for myself
I'm afraid that I won't know the difference between being in love and being naive.
But I'm also afraid of giving my heart to someone
Because I've seen the risks involved when you trust someone with yourself.
I'm afraid of getting a taste of that beautiful love I've always been hungry for,
And then being left to starve.
I'm afraid that they will leave me
I am always dreaming and fantasizing,
But then there are times I feel the pain and fear that comes with trust and being in love,
And I become nervous and unsure.
                             Will this happen to me?
                             Will I fall in love and think he's the one,
                             Only to be left alone?
                             To be broken and sad with an aching heart?
                             To be drained of my tears?
                              Left with a sore throat and heavy eyes?
                              Because as beautiful as love is there is always a
                              lingering risk you might have to face...
But I want to know.
I want to know how it feels to always be on someones mind,
To want to be with them.
To miss them so bad it hurts even if just for a day.
I want to experience the unending joy,
The high when you are so happy you're glowing.
I have shed a lot of tears and I have been more sad then most.
Not depressed, hopeless, or broken.
Just sad.
I want someone so bright that shadows cease to exist,
And everything dark and toxic is a distant memory that i can barely conjure.
Like the hint of a dream that is on the top of your tongue, but unable to recall.
I want someone to blind me with their very existence.
I don't know if this kind of thing only happens in fairy tails, but i hope that one day soon i will find the light I'm looking for, to enhance this bleak and dreary existence we sometimes call life.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
May 2019 · 169
Eyithen May 2019
I am struggling to find my place in a world that is looking to plunge a knife between the chinks of my armor.
A world that will **** as quick as is it is to defend.
May 2019 · 649
Eyithen May 2019
I want...
              To write...
                               A happy poem...
                                                              But I am...
                                                                                  Still waiting...
                                                             For the day...
                                      When I...
                  Will be...
Apr 2019 · 814
Eyithen Apr 2019
I made a new friend
She is short and sweet
She is the best
so happy we got to meet

We do everything together
We share all our secrets
Confide in each other
and embrace the uniqueness

We bonded so fast
And are both equally clumsy
We giggle at our mishaps
And our awkward tendencies

My friend has a boyfriend
She takes him everywhere
We all hang out
They make a good pair

But lately its been hard
There has been a lot of meetings
Used to have her to myself
This kinda feels like stealing

I am happy for her
I'm sure i would do the same
If i were in her position
I would surely sing his name

But I'm a single pringle
And this can make things hard
All my friends are dating
Guess i was dealt a different card

But i wish that they could know
How lonely it can feel
when you get stuck
being the third wheel
For all my single friends who are often 3rd, 4th, heck, even 5th wheelers. Literally wrote this in 5 minutes on the spot. When it flows it goes.
Mar 2019 · 231
Queen of poisons
Eyithen Mar 2019
She was the queen of poisons,
Pretty to look at
But deadly

She has many names
and wears a purple hood,
she chases the wolves away.

Consuming her is lethal
You'll never see her coming,
She will burn you from inside
and leave you paralyzed.

She will steal your breath,
Make you numb,
And listen as you whisper your last words.

She is a killer queen
She'll end you from inside,
best watch out for that purple shroud
Or she could steal your life.
Aconite/wolfsbane/monkshood- a deadly plant with many names.
Eyithen Feb 2019
Do you ever feel like you just annoy everyone?
Like they are secretly wishing you would just go away?
I try not to feel this way.

I try to tell myself that i am just imagining things
That it is all just in my head,
But its too late.
The anxiety has already kicked in
My thoughts are already spiraling.
Like a chain reaction, one thought sets off all the others.

I don't know what to do.
I just want to cry,
Because there is this loneliness.
Like i can never really trust anyone or what they say
Because i don't know if they are sincere.
I don't know what has caused this mistrust
But it's there.

I have never really been lied to or betrayed.
So why do i feel this way?
Why do i feel so defensive?
I'm not closed off, i tell people my life story,
But i never let them know how I really feel in the present.
It just shows I'm more insecure than i thought, even though i thought i was past this.

I think that is why i like stories about romance and love.
I wish i had that special someone.
Someone whom i could trust and tell them what i was really feeling.
Because then i know that someone really loves me.
That i don't have to lie or pretend with them.
Someone who could hold me up and be there for me when i need it; and i would do the same in return.

I wish i could lean on my friends, but they have enough of their own problems, i don't want to burden them with my petty feelings.
I know i could tell them anything, but i still feel the need to put on a smile and fake the fact that i may not be okay for once.

I guess i just don't want to make it seem like a bigger deal then it really is.
Maybe I'm afraid to show how broken i really feel,
To show how weak i am, that i actually hurt and have problems.
Even if i have only been cracked, not shattered, even if i have no reason to hurt, its these **** "emotions" and "feelings".

It hurts when i see friends of mine out having fun together on social media,
then comes that one triggering thought...
"why wasn't I invited?"

Even though i am included, I still feel excluded.
And it's not like i am not social enough,
i make the time and effort,
And yet i am still on the outside looking in.
Screaming through a window for someone to hear me.

I crave that unconditional love. To know that someone really loves me inside and out despite my insecurities and quirks.
Someone that i could trust wholeheartedly.
I have never felt this,
But i can only imagine how addicting it must be.

It's days like these,
I get stuck in the past,
These sinking feeling don't last.
But then i go back to the same old routine
I'm happy again but is it real?
This is more of a rant than anything. There is a rhythm (sort of) but no sense of rhyme. I was listening to Cold by Jorge Mendez while writing this. It is beautiful sad with a touch of anger.
Feb 2019 · 736
Single together
Eyithen Feb 2019
Another year gone by
Another year alone
I am used to this by now
Used to being on my own

I couldn't care less for Valentines day
It is chaotic and cheesy
It's too much of a cliché
My guy would get off easy

Singles awareness day comes after
That's the one I relate too
With my girls we celebrate together
They understand it like I do

We giggle and laugh
Cause we got something better
We make fun of all those couples
Singles stick together.
Feb 2019 · 183
Graveyard of Stars
Eyithen Feb 2019
A tragically beautiful space
Constellations telling secrets of the universe.
Always giving, waiting to be known.
Stars years away, slowly dying
In a sea of darkness, shining through the drowning.

I peer into the infinite space
A graveyard of lights in their final resting place.
How insignificant am I?
A grain of sand in a vast desert
What was important is not
As I rest in my creators hands.

Our oceans unexplored
How far can we stretch these arms?
We are bound by our limits
We are not bigger then we are.

The moon does not glow
without the help of the sun
The oceans do not move
without the help of the moon

Depths unobtainable
Distances too far to travel
Left to my imagination
As I stare at the sky
We are often so focused on ourselves. "Everything revolves around me". See how small you are, smaller than a cell in a body.
Jan 2019 · 110
Why do you hurt me so?
Eyithen Jan 2019
Its feels as though I am constantly being shut down.
The worst part is that I don't think they realize they are doing it,
And even worse than that?
It come's from someone who doesn't mean to,
And you wonder why I am holed up in my room all day?
It's not because I'm lazy or antisocial.
It's because I don't have the energy to put up with their scrutiny.
Eyithen Dec 2018
Sad days are the worst
You have no reason to feel
You go through the day wondering if you're real

You just feel tired and empty
A robot without a purpose

So you listen to the sad songs
Because all you want to do is cry

And the only way to get there
is to inflict the emotions on yourself
You want to feel the pain

You grab a guitar start strumming away
thinking of the most bleak situations

Creating lyrics that match the feeling
Even if they go with a fictional scenario

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such an active imagination
Because things that aren't real can become as real as memory

You keep it slow and melancholy
Pouring out sorrowful words

I guess it is true what they say
Broken girls sing broken songs
Nov 2018 · 399
Down the Rabbit Hole
Eyithen Nov 2018
I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.

I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,

And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.

I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.

Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"You're pathetic"
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling

I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once

I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win

So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.

Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
Thanks mom.
Oct 2018 · 183
I think i think too much
Eyithen Oct 2018
I think I think too much
Thoughts are ricocheting in my brain.
Never stopping
One thought starts a domino line
I dangerously follow the rabbit trails

I think I talk to much
I think faster than I can speak
Then later I regret it
Thinking maybe your annoyed with me

Wish I could turn it all off
Im sick of hearing myself
Always overthinking as my brain keeps going and going
Always over-talking I ramble and ramble.
I Yearn for the peace and quietness

I blast the music to turn off my thoughts
Disrupt the chain, break the link.
Even as I sleep descriptive dreams envelop me
I'm looking for the off switch
For temporary release.
Oct 2018 · 306
Broken Trust: Deception
Eyithen Oct 2018
I'm afraid of myself
I fear my own gullibility and nativity
It frustrates me that I can be so easily deceived

I keep an open mind, never taking words for truth
My conciseness warns me and keeps me sane

I don't want to be lied to or manipulated
I don't want to be part of your stupid game
You laugh when you think I believe you
It is nothing but a game.

It worries me
Someone I once thought of as a friend
Is a creepy predator in someone else's eyes
She told me what he did, who he really is
Do I take everything to heart or only half of it?

And yet it makes sense
I think I saw the signs.
I think I knew better

There was a reason I never told him my address
There was a reason I never wanted to be alone with him

He would smile and call me nicknames
I always felt unsettled
That little voice telling me
Looks like I knew better

I wish I had the power
To tell the deceptions apart
I wish I could see auras,
So I could know from the start

Do you genuinely like me?
Or are you just pretending?
Why do people lie and hurt
to those who don't expect it?

I hope your happy now
Did you enjoy yourself?
Cause You made a fool out of someone
Leaving them with broken trust.
Do you ever feel like you are always being lied to? Like People are always secretly talking behind your back. You can't trust what anyone says.
Oct 2018 · 274
Snake Eyes, Snake Lies
Eyithen Oct 2018
Beware the snakes beneath your feet
Beware the guys who are lonely and nice.
Beware the ones who lie with smiles
And look at you with hidden lust

Listen to the voice in your head,
The one screaming "Beware!"
As soon as you turn your back the viper will be there
He is always lurking, nipping at your heals
Making you think your safe while waiting to strike
He will put candy in your drink or let you doom yourself

You've given me no reason to doubt,
yet I find myself wanting to escape.
This feeling in my gut, I head it's urgent warnings
Stay with the crowd, don't let him get too close.

What is going through your head?
What do you really think?
What goes through your mind when you look at me?
You say let's have a drink.

You scared me, so I reacted.
I hurt you, as witnessed by the angry red on your skin.
It was all fun and games, at least at the time.
And it makes me sick to think
That you liked it when I did that
When I showed you my strength

Beware the cunning snake, they are the most unpredictable
At least fuckboys know their jerks,
You know what their after.
What you see is what you get,
It's almost honest in a sense.

Looking back I see it,
All the little signs.
Good thing I stayed clear
Good thing I drew the line

It is obsessive,
Your emotions towards me.
You would hurt me if you thought it best
You would tell me not to cry
Whispering delusional I love you' s

I am always looking for you
Expecting to see you watching
Cause I am afraid of the beast I unleashed
When I gave you nothing

I saw it in your eyes very briefly,
The anger and coldness.
The reason to keep my distance.
I'm glad I broke your heart
So I'm not put in unwanted positions

You tell me your sick
I question your words.
If its pity your after,
If your trying to make me stay,
Well I'm sorry to tell you,
But this stops today

You're drowning
And I won't let you pull me down too,
So I block you on snapchat, on Facebook, and Insta.
I delete your number and the voicemails you left,
Because the relief I feel lets me know
That I made the right choice by letting you go.
Oct 2018 · 1.4k
Wonderland Ghosts
Eyithen Oct 2018
Down the rabbit hole I go
Spiraling and falling,
I can't see the ground below

So many wonders and mysteries
This place, my Wonderland,
But lurking are the ghosts of an unwanted  history.
Sep 2018 · 319
Its Okay To Not Be Okay
Eyithen Sep 2018
You've been having one of those weeks
When you can barely stand on your feet
If you are feeling down, feeling blue
Than this poem is for you

It is okay to not be okay
Just don't run away
Through the good times and the bad,
When your happy or your sad
I'll never turn away
Just ask me to stay

So your mama ain't been faithful or kind
She said she's sorry, she lied
Your dad is passed out on the couch, another bottle in his hand
I guess he lost the fight again

You say your fine
but I see it in your eyes
Its clear your not
don't leave yourself to rot

Please hear what I have to say
Please dear, don't push me away
You will make it through the day
Three little words that's all it takes

So with tears in your eyes, you finally confess
Your falling apart, your a mess,
"Im not okay" , you finally say
"And that is okay" I relay

So if you feel like you just might break
Like your life was one big mistake
Hear me out
It's clear and loud

let down the mask
no need to be intact
fall apart if you must
the rain will clear the dust

You are fine, you are okay
And I will help you if you ask me to stay
But you don't need to say a word because I know you
And I will always help through and through.

But remember this, come what may
Its okay to not be okay.
For a struggling friend
Sep 2018 · 323
Wait for me
Eyithen Sep 2018
I'm writing about you again
My strange stranger

You visit me in my dreams
but I can't see your face

You have such strong arms
To wrap around me
They comfort and protect

You are at least a head taller than me
Enough so to rest your chin on my head

There is warmth and trust, so much trust
I curl into you

You are my best friend and partner
Doubt never creeps
I can't explain it

You smell of clean laundry and something familiar
You say I smell like vanilla

As you run your fingers through my hair
You stare with loving eyes.
They are never the same color.
Sometimes a blue so deep I could swim in them
sometimes a green so vibrant I can't help but stare

Your hair never stays the same either.
Sometimes its dark, sometimes its blonde
But always so thick and soft

I yearn for you
My heart aches
So much so that I want to cry

I wish you were in my life already
But one minute I'm ready and another I'm not
I'm sorry if I keep you waiting,
But please know, I'm on my way
And I hope you are too
Please be patient and wait,
Wait for me...

I hope that your heart doesn't belong to another
But if it does, It can only lead you to me,
A better person than before.
Mine is still new and I can't wait to give it you
And I hope you are the only one I give it to.
Just a dream I had about waiting for the right one.
Eyithen Sep 2018
You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You only saw the side I wanted you to see
You saw the moon glowing in all her glory
Worshiping her more than she deserved
You didn't see the dark side
The side that didn't deserve praise and flattery
That left me with guilt
Because you were praising only half of me, thinking it was all of me

You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You always expected me to be the happy, bubbly person I could sometimes be
You thought something was wrong when I wasn't how you wanted me to be
"I'm fine" I say. And I really was.
Why can't I have my quieter days?
It can be exaughsting to be happy all the time
Sometimes I want to be expressionless

There were things I liked that you didn't know about
And there are things I have done that you didn't know about
If I told you, would you have seen me differently?
I know you would.

You never truly knew me
You only think you did
If I asked you a question about me, would you know the answer?
Probably not.
You knew what you saw, not the facts
You knew the moon glowed bright, but quickly forgot that there are two sides.
Just like you forgot that every cycle the moon goes dark.
It doesn't glow or shine brilliantly
It doesn't bathe you in moonlight and light your path
It leaves you blind in a night without shadows, without light

You knew the full moon, you never saw the New
Cause if you did, you would have left me alone
About an ex-friend who put me on a pedestal. He thought he knew me better than I know myself. Oh how wrong he was.
Sep 2018 · 260
If i were to paint...
Eyithen Sep 2018
If i were to paint a picture of the thoughts in my head
There would be cold blacks and lonely blues, with hints of  angry reds and melancholy purples. a lively green peeking its way through.

If i were to paint a picture of my soul
There would be firefly yellows and apple reds
As well as autumn hazels and summer fire oranges
with streaks of that lonely blue and speckled with comforting lavender. A rainy gray softening the edges.

If i were to paint a picture of my eyes
There would be warm chocolate browns with flicks of fiery golds.
Blessed to be wide, wise, and curious like that of a doe, along with Long lashes for butterfly kisses.

If i were to paint a picture of my body
There would be rounded shapes, subtle tones, with flowers growing from her hands, all configured into a short, symmetrical figure.

If i were to paint a picture of my smile
I could only hope it would be beaming with the colors of sunshine.

If i were to paint a picture of you
You would be a blank canvas, because i have yet to meet you.
But I'm sure that you would be a beautiful, chaotic, masterpiece, waiting for a painting of me.
Sep 2018 · 291
Eyithen Sep 2018
Good, Bad
Right, Wrong
The list just goes on and on

There is a line that no one should cross
It has been blurred and lost

Morals are guidelines
Everyone is an exception
Lost in a sea of philosophical deception

So here you go
Round and round again
Running the same circles you did back then

You try to keep straight
But it is harder now
Always letting your loved ones down

Your mind betrays what you know to be true
It keeps you caged like a monkey at a zoo

You keep dancing the dance
You keep singing the song
Even if you know it to be wrong

You know who you are
Or at least who you want to be
So why can't you just let yourself free?

A stranger whispers things in your ears
But you don't believe what you hear

You are breaking the chains
The light is in sight
But than it flickers
and your trapped in the night

You keep holding on
As strength fills your soul
But you start to stagger when the fight takes its toll

Your almost there
The end is in sight
The noose you wear is tied tight

The tears slip out
Your hoping for peace
Second-guessing as you look at your feet

Than sudden like a storm
You hear the voice
The one telling you to make a different choice
The one telling you, you'll be okay
The one screaming this isn't the way

You breath out relief
Your death-wish ends
And your will to live extends

The second-wind hits
"I won't go out like this"
There is too much I'll miss

The words the stranger whispered that day,
Gave you a sword so your demons you could slay

You repeat as a mantra never leaving your thoughts,
Giving you strength as they ought

And that is when you realize
Under the scarred skin and thoughts of mud
Under all the tears and blood

There is someone who is beloved
As the words echo,

"You Are Loved"

Hold fast this lifeline
Never let it go
As you learn to love
In a world of ice and snow
For those who need to know, you are never alone. We love you.
Sep 2018 · 244
Our Strangers
Eyithen Sep 2018
I find it funny
How we can be strangers to ourselves?
The new trend: "Finding yourself"
Your "True Identity"

How is it that we can't even recognize ourselves sometimes?
Our brain, thoughts, and hearts are their own apparently
We can't always control them
We question their motive

Trying to decipher ourselves like you would a new friend
We try to understand the "other voice" in our head
So we have two consciousness now?
One we were born with
The new splitting from the old like a multiplying cell
They are one in the same and yet not
They are fully you and fully not.
How does one begin to comprehend that?

We don't ever fully recognize ourselves
We just know the parts that have become a "regular" in our coffee shop brains.
Always busy, always moving
Lots of noise and blurred "faces"
But i know "that" one
They are here more often then not

So while i understand myself more than most,
While i can list every reason behind every decision,
I still surprise myself.
Because here comes a thought and/or emotion that i have rarely confronted,
And is thus, a stranger to myself.
Sep 2018 · 1.0k
Girls like her
Eyithen Sep 2018
Girls like her peak in High School
Always thin
Good at everything
Great at sports
Lots of friends

Girls like me?
A wallflower
I'm not alone
I have sort-of-friends
I'm a shadow in the back of the class
Always silent
Mid-season I'm failing
Getting grades up just enough
for the final report card to say I'm "smart"
Fool the colleges i do
Silently being the only one who doesn't understand
But the class is moving on without you
Crying because I'm "not good enough"
Below/Average at sports
Never good enough for the team
Stuck on the sidelines
Always watching
My life is a TV program
I laugh and watch
But never feeling a part of it
I'm just a spectator

Girls like her peak in college too
Even more beautiful then before
A boyfriend to match
And a petite body that looks great in everything
Flying through college
Instagram model

Girls like me?
Flunked my first year
Home i go
More clueless than ever
"I changed my major" i tell them
I put on the act
"I know what I'm doing"
It's all a lie
A mask I wear
Falling apart inside
Feeling despair
The tears come easy
They come fast
How long will this misery last?
Comparing, Comparing
It's a bigger high school now
Except no one gives a **** this time round
I did this to myself
Want to fix it
Is it too much to ask for a win?
Medication helps the focus
I am making a plan

I'm learning
I'm finding myself
It's okay to take my time
It's okay if I'm a little slow
So why do i feel like I'm just fooling myself?
Everyone has a different path
I haven't given up
I haven't stopped moving
So why i am walking the treadmill?
Moving but still in the exact same spot?

I'm jealous of girls like her
They got it all
Wish things were different
Wish i was given their hand
Cause fate has delt me a rough one

She gets the grassy meadow
I get the stormy mountain
She gets prince charming
I'm still waiting
She uses her wit to defeat the witch
I escape and run through books and other things that distract

What is wrong with me?
Why can't i be good at things?
Why is this so hard?
I wish things came easy.

We were friends
Me and her
And i hate the green monster
that leaves me with this jealous anger

Stay away
Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat
All they do is cause me harm
All the doubts and pain creeps back
I keep reopening the wound.
Those negative thoughts i though were gone?
Well they are buried in the back of my mind ready to resurface.

This is just the beginning of my story
I know this
I am destined for greater things
I know this
I will make it
I know this
I will graduate
I know this

Yet, Girls like her
Leave me with lies that echo...
I have been struggling with school. I want to do well yet i self-sabotage. I am getting better. I have a plan and i am going to succeed and fight through college, yet i see pictures of a friend from high school and that is all it takes till i start to spiral into this black hole of doubt and fear.
Sep 2018 · 304
Missing you
Eyithen Sep 2018
I wish you were here by my side
When your not it makes me want to cry
I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I cannot bear for us to be apart

I am bad at goodbyes, I told you this
Sorry if I'm not making any sense
I can't help but feel left behind
Even though it's all in my mind

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Do you feel the same pain and sadness that I do?
I can't help but wonder if you love me as much as i love you.
I hope and know that's not true

I'm in despair at the absence of your presence
It must be this thing we share and possess
I know i will see you soon
But soon is too far away when I'm missing you
This is actually pieces to a song I'm trying to write.
Sep 2018 · 294
Eyithen Sep 2018
I am worn
Tears threaten to spill
An oncoming storm
Thunder rolls with anger

They are testing the waters
Don't you see the dark clouds approaching?
There is a shift in the air.
Can you not  feel it?

Pushed too far
I'm about to burst
A darkness is descending, beware

I'm reaching my limit
You better watch out
Like a cloud i can only take so much
Before I break from the weight.
worn, crying, storm, anger, pushed, limit, weight, break, done
Aug 2018 · 536
If my life were a book
Eyithen Aug 2018
If my life was a book
Would anyone read it?
Would it be happy or sad?
Romance or Action?

If my life were a book
Would it be like a John Green Novel?
Or would it be morphed into Fantasy?
Would it be filled with Mystery like a Nancy Drew volume?
Or filled with Drama?
I think i would be a trilogy; possibly more,
Because one book won't even cover a day's worth of thoughts.

If my life were a book
Would it be made of experiences and feelings?
Contemplating the small stuff
and finding the beauty in everything?
Would it be like Narnia?
Everything metaphorical
Filled with personification and anthropomorphism.

If my life were a book
Would my inner demons become monsters or a curse?
Would my love interest be a charming prince?
A rouge outlaw? Or someone i would least expect?

If my life were a book
I can only hope it would be a great adventure.
One with foreign lands and exotic animals.
One that defies gravity
And goes against everything we can imagine

If my life were a book, if one were to read it,
They would learn more about me in a hundred pieces of paper
Then they could in a day.

If my life were a book
One could possibly know me better then i know myself
Because we often reveal more than we intend to without ever knowing it ourselves.
Aug 2018 · 296
When your gone
Eyithen Aug 2018
When your here
You frustrate me
I want you gone

But when your gone
I miss you like crazy
While wishing you were here
For my twin sister. The frustration i feel when she is here. She drives me nuts. She can be controlling and selfish, but we have fun times too. But when she is gone, I feel like a piece of me is missing. I miss her.
Aug 2018 · 359
Monster: A contemplation
Eyithen Aug 2018
Holy water cannot help you now
Thousand armies couldn't keep me out
I don't want your money
I don't want you crown
I've come to burn your kingdom down
And no river or lakes can put the fire out

What do I do with the burning in me?
Should i share it or burn alive?

Awaken every dragon
Awaken every wolf
I am hell with skin
Not a gentle human

There is something hiding behind my eyes and inside my soul
They should have checked the ashes
Of the woman they burned alive
Cause all it takes is a single wild ember
To bring a whole wildfire to life
We rise from ourselves, when the pain has dried us out
Cause there is nothing left in our hearts after the drought

War is not a game

I'm not the monster you think i am
I'm just the monster you wanted me to be
You can hate your demons
With all that you are
You can yell and scream
Curse them with all your heart
But at the end of the day
They're the only ones that see your scars
When you remove the mask that hides your face
They're the only ones that see who you really are

We are a new breed rising
With fire in our eyes
We don't fear anything cause we have already died
Molten eyes and a smile made for war

Oh so you want a battle i will give you a war
You will have to wade through blood
You will have to give everything up
But then you will be washed clean
Judge me if you want we are all going to die
I intend to, i deserve it

You want a fight, ill bring you the war
But take off the masks and let your monsters soar

So hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beast under you bed
In your closet
In your head
Cause monsters don't sleep under your bed
They hid and they manifest inside your head

We all have our demons and skeletons hidden away
The war that is coming won't change our fate
We all will die, we all get a grave
There is nothing you can do to change your fate

Are you the hero or villain? There is no difference
We have been blurred grey till we can't tell the difference
A villain  is a victim who wasn't saved
A hero is haunted day by day

Everyone will always be a monster
There's no turning back
But what type is up to you

My thoughts are too dark
You'd suffocate in them
Stop hiding a part of yourself away like the moon
We will be revealed soon
Most of these are lines and quotes from Pinterest. I felt they all fit together. I couldn't find the rightful owners of these. So just to clarify "I DON'T OWN ANY OF THIS". NOT MY ORIGINAL WORK. The only thing that is mine is like the last two sentences as well as little things i added in here and there.
Aug 2018 · 2.4k
Beware: Toxic
Eyithen Aug 2018
I see you
I see through the mask you wear
I'm not fooled
So stop pretending you care

We both know
Your not who you say you are
The poison is slow
I can't believe you ever let it get this far

Stop lying to me cause i know the truth
They don't want you to speak
The demons that chase you
Let me show you the way
But, beware of the shadows that want you to stay

I can't pretend to know how you feel
So I won't but please know that I'm here
I don't want you to fall, but don't drag me down
Free yourself from this thrall
Or we'll both surely drown

Unveil your mask, break your chains
Open up your eyes
And you will soon see the enemy is bunkered
deep down inside

Tick tock tick tock

We are running out of time
The bombs about to blow
There is nowhere left to hide
Are you my friend or my foe?

I have stood by your side all these years
Exposed to your toxic radiation
Was it worth all the tears?
I'm done with this affiliation.
A toxic friendship
Aug 2018 · 510
I screwed up...
Eyithen Aug 2018
I ******* up...again
I always ***** up.
I can never do anything the way i want to
I am so angry at myself.

I hate these thoughts
I want to love myself
But i can't help but hate myself

These demons are always haunting my mind
I try to have good thoughts; positive thoughts
But like the pessimist i am, i think about the bad

Like a trick candle
when i think i have snuffed the demons out,
When i am starting to love myself again
They come back whispering unwanted thoughts
And then i spiral
And i think about all the faces that pity me

I am being too ******* myself, I know
And yet despite this
I still feel the lonely ache
As i wonder why success is always in front of me
But out of reach
Like a forbidden fruit I can never have.
Aug 2018 · 286
She is Me
Eyithen Aug 2018
I stare at the girl in front of me
The one trapped in the mirror
She stares back
She looks just like me
Well; not just like me
She has a worn face
And sad dull eyes
She tries to smile
But it's lifeless, tired
Her complexion is pale
Her lips dry
Tears leak down her face
But the rest of her is still
She wipes away the tears
Only to look at the moisture on her fingers
Its like she didn't even know she was crying
"What is wrong with me?" she asks
"I'm sick of crying" she says
Me too...Me too...
I feel something crawling down my face
Wipe my fingers across my cheeks
They come back wet
I'm crying?
I look back to the girl in front of me
Realization hits
It's me
This girl in the mirror.
She is me
Aug 2018 · 854
I had a Dream pt 3
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
But not one I like

I was lonely
Though i wasn't alone

I can't remember
But do I want to?

Through open eyes Tears do spill
If now I don't sleep
I soon will
Aug 2018 · 141
I had a Dream pt. 2
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
There was a house

It was pleasant
It wasn't unwanted

I slept too long
But the scene was short

There was a conversation i think
Aug 2018 · 142
I had a Dream Pt. 1
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
It's all a blur
I was afraid
It forced me awake

I struggle to grasp it
As it fades away
I remember a pain

There was something I'd lost
Or someone...
Aug 2018 · 4.3k
Rejecting you hurts me
Eyithen Aug 2018
Unreciprocated love
It's a popular topic,
In songs and poems

The hurt you feel is so strong,
Always longing and looking.

What they don't tell you
Is how much it can hurt,
being on the other end.

Knowing that you could never understand
What they see in you
Or the depth of their affections

Knowing that you have broken someone.
You've fed the monster called fear,
And you know that you have only given them
more reason to doubt.

"I'm Sorry" you say.
Because it's the only thing you can say to someone,
When you have bruised their heart.

I wish you could understand,
Rejecting you hurts me.

We blame each other,
trying to find fault
until one comes to the conclusion,
Control is impossible.

Just like you can't force someone to love you
You can't force someone to unlove you.

So I let the anger go
And release you from your torment.
"End things on a good note" I tell myself.

So I do just that,
But no isn't in your vocabulary.
You will always be wanting and wishing
And hoping for me to change,
While I wait for you in turn.
But I guess we're both stubborn that way.

So I say goodbye to what we used to be,
Because we will never be the same.
Knowing that whenever you see me,
you will always want us to be more.

So rather then torturing you with a
distant, strained, friendship.
I scribble down my thoughts,
stick a stamp on it,
And watch it leave.

I had the last word.
I hope it brings you closure.
This is the last you will hear from me.

I hope I stay kind in your mind.
I hope I will be remembered as the girl who cared.
But I hope I fade out of your thoughts,
And be remembered as a dream.
I had a friend who loved me as more than a friend. I rejected him once, then twice, but we remained close friends. Then one day he took things to far. So I shut him out. i sent a letter expressing how I don't blame him nor do i hate him, but he was drowning me and I needed to breathe. So i broke for the surface.
Aug 2018 · 269
Wanting and Waiting
Eyithen Aug 2018
Love this
Love that
Lots of poems about broken hearts

They are beautiful,
But I can't relate

Never have I given my heart to someone who would give it back
Always cautious
Always waiting

But now I'm doubting
Where are you O love of mine?
Perhaps lost in the middle of the sea?
Riding a camel across an inescapable dessert?
Are you waiting for me too?
Cause I have been waiting for you.

What are you doing at the moment?
What do you regret?
Are you as lost as me?
Or are you waiting for me to catch up?
I think of you often.
Do you think of me?
Someone with no face or name, but who still exists.

I dream of you
The faces change but you are always warm,
Always there.
Loving the parts of me that need love,
And embracing the parts that are living life

I don't want to be another novel
The ones about two broken people that find each other
Because that's not love
Its close, but not the same

Like a puzzle I want to fit with you.
Perfect for each other,
Filling up the empty spaces.
When I'm scared you'll comfort me,
And when your down I'll lift you up

Until then I will wait
And I'll wait
And I'll wait
Because waiting will be worth it
Will be worth YOU

So instead of leasing my time out to someone who will waste it,
Instead of picking up the shattered pieces of my soul,
I will save my unscarred heart for the one who sees forever in me
Just some poetic thoughts and contemplations
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