I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.
I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,
And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.
I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.
Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling
I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once
I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win
So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.
Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
In the moment I wanted to say I hate you.
In the moment I wanted to punch you in the gut,
For it felt as if you had just done that to me.
In the moment I wanted to scream out to show the pain that I was feeling.
In the moment I wanted to rip your heart out and feed it to you...
In the moment I laughed,
Put on a brave face,
And said "that didn't hurt...
The way I imagined it would."
In the moment I was right...
In the moment you broke up with me,
I was blissfully numb.
I curled up in bed and breathed a sigh of relief;
And in that moment I began to cry so violently that my lungs wanted to escape,
I begged the tears to stop,
And they kept rolling anyways...
And I looked at places for rent;
In that moment...I was broken.
In the next moment I rebuilt the wall that used to linger around my heart before you claimed it.
— The End —