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Eyithen Nov 2022
Loss of Motivation. Check.
2. Procrastinating. Check.
3. Lowering Grades. Check.
4. Health Problems. Check.
5. Exhaustion/Lack of Energy. Check.


I can't help but stare at the F.
Like a crime scene photo of the ****** of my grades.
I missed classes. Deadlines.
Struggled with anxiety and depression.
And yet even though I am haunted by these feelings.
I can't bring myself to care.
I thought it was so many things.
but perhaps I have just fizzled out.
It just me.
My problem.
There's no foul play,
My brain just decided to commit academic suicide.
We threw the toaster into the bathwater,
and jumped right in.
Eyithen Jun 2019
They're always in my face,
Asking if I'm okay.
I may not be be okay
But I'll act like it is anyway.
Eyithen Jun 2019
...I sometimes think...
......the only reason we fear the dark...
.........is because deep down...
............we know...
...............how easy...
..................we could fall into it...
...And that idea scares us...
......because we have...
.........no idea...
............of the destruction...
...............we are capable of...
Eyithen Mar 2020
I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into myself, and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into a ball, biting my tongue, grasping my pillow and crying.

Why you ask? Because tonight it hit hard.
Because tonight I can't get over this feeling of loneliness
Because tonight I wondered how anyone could ever love me
Because tonight I wondered why I was still alone
Cause tonight I just wanted someone there, and there was no one.

Oh this bitter, painful, insecurity that comes with the lack of experience in the love department.
No first kiss, no boyfriend, no remotely normal guy has pursued me.
And by normal I mean not weird, awkward, obsessive, a creep or stoner or someone just looking for something physical.
Maybe once there was a guy, but only once. One night. One date. And then he left.
Eyithen Apr 2023
I let it all run
Thickly and quickly
I want them to see the messy horror of it all.
But it’s not all blood,
Rather it is the medium for my art:
Pictures of roses, cardinals, apples
The rouge on a woman’s lips
An  umbrella on a rainy day
A wool sweater
A pocket square against a black suit
The traffic light on the corner of the street...
Or perhaps I'll dip my quill in it and write
Because that's what writers do.

They turn all that red into something beautiful...
I read a quote once that said, "Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red." (Kait Rokowski)
Eyithen May 2019
I am struggling to find my place in a world that is looking to plunge a knife between the chinks of my armor.
A world that will **** as quick as is it is to defend.
Eyithen Jun 2019
I wish you could understand how hard this is
I wish you could understand just how heavy everything feels
I wish you could just see that something is wrong
But I wish you didn't try to fix me

I know you see my agitation
I know you hear the attitude in my voice
You think its just me being emotional
I just had a bad day

I wish you could leave me be
I wish I had some peace
I wish I had a reason
I wish I had words

But I don't
I can't explain the exhaustion I feel
I cant explain the headaches
I can't explain the weight of it all
I can't explain the desire I feel to just give up

I wish it could be simple
I wish it could all go away
I feel like I'm drowning in a think cement of anxiety and depression….
Its overwhelming

I want to stay away
I want to escape
I want everything to disappear
I want things to change

So why am I still stuck?
Why can't I move?
Why is it I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do?

You try to talk to me
You try to hear me
But you're NOT LISTENING!

You say you understand
You say you know how I feel
You say you went through the same thing
But that was a long time ago

If you really understood you would leave me alone
If you really understood you would let me breath
I you REALLY TRULY understood you wouldn't be pushing me like this.

I know your stressed but I am too
You say I'm not doing enough,
Like all the effort I put in is nothing
I say I'm busy, but you say I'm not
I'm not doing enough

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!!!!
You're not me!
You don’t know my life
You don’t know me!

You compare me to Her even though you say you don't
Is nothing I do good enough!!!
I am trying to find my way but its not fast enough for you.
I need time, I need patience,
You're riding on the back of this bronco.
I'm not in university, I don't have good influencing friends according to you.

Apparently I make the wrong decisions.
Do I disappoint you?
Just because I'm not at the same spot as Her?
I'M TRYING!
But its not enough.

I feel like I'm going to break
I feel like any day I'm just going to stop caring
I have already been slipping downhill.
I haven't been taking care of myself and it shows
But your too wrapped up in everything else to see it

I know you need the support
I know its been ******* you too.
But please SEE ME
Please Hear Me
Please.
Please.
Sorry guys, just a frustrated, overly emotional, vent. Not sure if this is even considered poetry at this point, so I don't know if this belongs here. (I used lots of repetition though; that's a poetry thing, lol) But I'm sure many of you might feel the same way sometimes  even though these words don't fully express the emotions bubbling over.
Eyithen Apr 2022
Why do we distort beauty?
Beauty can be power, but it can also be a burden
I never understood, but now I do

When we are not bestowed with it,
We cage it by any and all means possible
We mock those who lack it and hate those who have it

Green monsters rise in us
We blur the pure with cold blacks and angry reds
We blame them while we try to be them
I suppose jealousy is a fickle thing

In the stories of old, they say one is blessed with beauty
To gain the admirable attention of others,
How it must feel to be dotted on

But then comes the curse
Of having too much attention
Of getting the wrong attention
Of being objectified and not respected
Of being catcalled in the streets and attempting to ignore crass comments and rude remarks.

Like the attention
Don't like the attention
To be called beautiful is such a nice thing
Until it's not.
Eyithen Mar 2023
I am sick of wasting my energy
Convincing people that I am deserving of their affection
That I am deserving of love from those who I want it most.
All they've done is take and demand more.
Slightest afflictions would send me
profusely apologizing.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
When I owe nothing of the sorts.

You say I betrayed you, but you stopped talking first.
You say I left you behind but I don't recall your footprints by mine.
You're life has changed and you hate that.
I'm just a reminder of what your life used to be like.
I am not responsible for your happiness,
yet you mar mine.
You didn't want to hurt alone,
so you ensured I'd hurt too.

I let the numbness wash over
calluses form on my heart, roughly applied.
The first time hurts, but eventually it hurts a little less.
Blisters form until that thick patch of skin builds up
and my patience wears down,
and now my empathy can be short-lived.

We swapped roses,
unaware yours had thorns.
I pricked my finger
and now the yellow is stained with red
and skin will need to be cleaned and bandaged
and the heart continues to be broken despite increased fortification.

I thought what doesn't **** you makes you stronger,
that it creates perseverance.
And it does,
but it hardens the soft in spirit
and my patience is no longer there for you.
And leaving gets easier.
Saying goodbye gets easier
And it hurts a little less.
I care a little less.
And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
You can't help it if someone lashes out and projects their insecurities onto you. It is nothing you did.
Eyithen Aug 2018
I see you
I see through the mask you wear
I'm not fooled
So stop pretending you care

We both know
Your not who you say you are
The poison is slow
I can't believe you ever let it get this far

Stop lying to me cause i know the truth
They don't want you to speak
The demons that chase you
Let me show you the way
But, beware of the shadows that want you to stay

I can't pretend to know how you feel
So I won't but please know that I'm here
I don't want you to fall, but don't drag me down
Free yourself from this thrall
Or we'll both surely drown

Unveil your mask, break your chains
Open up your eyes
And you will soon see the enemy is bunkered
deep down inside

Tick tock tick tock

We are running out of time
The bombs about to blow
There is nowhere left to hide
Are you my friend or my foe?

I have stood by your side all these years
Exposed to your toxic radiation
Was it worth all the tears?
I'm done with this affiliation.
A toxic friendship
Eyithen Jun 2019
I'm being chased by a monster of my own design.
Eyithen Aug 2018
How can I call myself broken?
My heart is still intact
My soul is still whole

I am not shattered
Or beyond repair
But I still hold the title

Why?

Because there is a crack in me
And once you're cracked there is no going back

I'm not as far gone
But someone has cut themselves on me
The damage has been done
I am broken
Eyithen Dec 2018
Sad days are the worst
You have no reason to feel
You go through the day wondering if you're real

You just feel tired and empty
A robot without a purpose

So you listen to the sad songs
Because all you want to do is cry

And the only way to get there
is to inflict the emotions on yourself
You want to feel the pain

You grab a guitar start strumming away
thinking of the most bleak situations

Creating lyrics that match the feeling
Even if they go with a fictional scenario

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such an active imagination
Because things that aren't real can become as real as memory

You keep it slow and melancholy
Pouring out sorrowful words

I guess it is true what they say
Broken girls sing broken songs
Eyithen Oct 2018
I'm afraid of myself
I fear my own gullibility and nativity
It frustrates me that I can be so easily deceived

I keep an open mind, never taking words for truth
My conciseness warns me and keeps me sane

I don't want to be lied to or manipulated
I don't want to be part of your stupid game
You laugh when you think I believe you
It is nothing but a game.

It worries me
Someone I once thought of as a friend
Is a creepy predator in someone else's eyes
She told me what he did, who he really is
Do I take everything to heart or only half of it?

And yet it makes sense
I think I saw the signs.
I think I knew better

There was a reason I never told him my address
There was a reason I never wanted to be alone with him

He would smile and call me nicknames
I always felt unsettled
That little voice telling me
Looks like I knew better

I wish I had the power
To tell the deceptions apart
I wish I could see auras,
So I could know from the start

Do you genuinely like me?
Or are you just pretending?
Why do people lie and hurt
to those who don't expect it?

I hope your happy now
Did you enjoy yourself?
Cause You made a fool out of someone
Leaving them with broken trust.
Do you ever feel like you are always being lied to? Like People are always secretly talking behind your back. You can't trust what anyone says.
Eyithen Feb 6
I once again feel as though I am imploding,
because all of this destruction is on the inside.
A black hole devouring light.
Sit in the front seat of a chaos theory lecture and attempt to pointlessly assign order in vain,
for there is no rhyme or reason,
only confusion and grieving.
But you will still look for the butterfly who dare flap its wings.
I've tried and failed.
It's a frustrating thing.
After all, you can't lasso gravity;
You can't force these atoms to come back together into a solid state,
just as I can't force my mind to stop thinking, stop feeling, stop breathing.
Eyithen May 2019
Dear authors and poets,
                      With works that inspire and bring tears,
                       Do you intend the interpretation?
                       Do you mean what we think?
                       Or do you simply write and let us make-up what we
                       Want to see? What we need to hear?
                       We are taught be scholars the deeper meanings,
                       Metaphors, and life lessons.
                       We give you so much notoriety and acclamation.
                       Is it deserved?
                       Maybe it is maybe it's not.
                       We may never know.
                                                   Sincerely,
                                                                 An aspiring writer
I have always wondered. Do authors intend for their work to be as deep and meaningful as we have learned?
Eyithen Nov 2018
I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.

I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,

And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.

I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.

Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"You're pathetic"
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling


I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once

I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win

So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.

Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
Thanks mom.
Eyithen Jun 2019
Even though I have never really drowned,
I know what it's like to hold your breath for so long,
That when you take that first gasp,
You feel as though it is your first time breathing.
Eyithen Nov 2022
I’m clawing at my chest,
Because I want to make this itching ache stop
But I am unable to reach into my chest and grasp my stomach and clench my heart;
I am unable to tell it to stop its fluttering
Just as I am barely able to hold back the sob that wants to rip through my throat in an agonizing scream.
BUT I CAN'T.
Because I can’t do anything.
I have no control.

And normally I would be okay with that,
But in these moments losing control is the worst thing
Because it is the one thing I so desperately need.
Just when things are going well I collapse into myself again like an exploding star.

The cycle is repeating.
This is the hardest part. It’s the most painful.
It is crying all the time
It is anxious
It‘s having fidgety hands
It's headaches from furrowed brows
It's seeing the inadequacy of yourself and not being okay with it.
It's like having a microscope on yourself
Its being exhausted all the time because you can’t stop the overthinking, the analyzing, or the constant pity parties and comparisons

I’m sick of being so emotionally fragile.
I just want to move on to the next stage already
To the numbness that follows
So I can stop caring
Stop crying
Stop hurting so **** much

I just want it all to go away.
I want the pain and hurt to go away.
This ache isn’t numb, it's not sharp, but rather it is suffocating.
It is hands around my throat squeezing  just tight enough so that I feel like I'm dying, but aware that I can still breathe.
Eyithen Jun 2019
Many guilty unsure whispers
Through capable, crooked, smiles
Perfectly gleaming unspoken problems
Eyithen Jan 2021
Take a moment
And look at her
The girl in the corner
In the back of the class
The quiet invisible one
Maybe not quite invisible, but no more visible then a **** in the grass.

You may not notice her
But she notices you
She watches everyone
She observes and learns

She is there but not
She's involved and she's not
You know OF her, but nothing about her

She laughs at the jokes
Answers the questions
And drifts through the halls.

You write in her yearbook
HAGS
Maybe say something nice cause that is what everyone does.
But at the end of the day she is as lonely as a music-less piano
And as quiet as the dead
And when she leaves, she will leave no ghost,
only a whisper
And that too will quickly be buried under the voices of many.
Eyithen Sep 2018
Girls like her peak in High School
Always thin
Good at everything
Great at sports
Beautiful
Lots of friends
Outgoing
Confident

Girls like me?
A wallflower
I'm not alone
I have sort-of-friends
I'm a shadow in the back of the class
Always silent
Mid-season I'm failing
Getting grades up just enough
for the final report card to say I'm "smart"
Fool the colleges i do
Silently being the only one who doesn't understand
But the class is moving on without you
Crying because I'm "not good enough"
Below/Average at sports
Never good enough for the team
Stuck on the sidelines
Always watching
My life is a TV program
I laugh and watch
But never feeling a part of it
I'm just a spectator

Girls like her peak in college too
Even more beautiful then before
A boyfriend to match
And a petite body that looks great in everything
Flying through college
Instagram model

Girls like me?
Flunked my first year
Home i go
More clueless than ever
"I changed my major" i tell them
I put on the act
"I know what I'm doing"
It's all a lie
A mask I wear
Falling apart inside
Feeling despair
The tears come easy
They come fast
How long will this misery last?
Comparing, Comparing
It's a bigger high school now
Except no one gives a **** this time round
I did this to myself
Want to fix it
Is it too much to ask for a win?
Medication helps the focus
I am making a plan

I'm learning
I'm finding myself
It's okay to take my time
It's okay if I'm a little slow
So why do i feel like I'm just fooling myself?
Everyone has a different path
I haven't given up
I haven't stopped moving
So why i am walking the treadmill?
Moving but still in the exact same spot?

I'm jealous of girls like her
They got it all
Wish things were different
Wish i was given their hand
Cause fate has delt me a rough one

She gets the grassy meadow
I get the stormy mountain
She gets prince charming
I'm still waiting
She uses her wit to defeat the witch
I escape and run through books and other things that distract

What is wrong with me?
Why can't i be good at things?
Why is this so hard?
I wish things came easy.

We were friends
Me and her
And i hate the green monster
that leaves me with this jealous anger

Stay away
Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat
All they do is cause me harm
All the doubts and pain creeps back
I keep reopening the wound.
Those negative thoughts i though were gone?
Well they are buried in the back of my mind ready to resurface.

This is just the beginning of my story
I know this
I am destined for greater things
I know this
I will make it
I know this
I will graduate
I know this

Yet, Girls like her
Leave me with lies that echo...
I have been struggling with school. I want to do well yet i self-sabotage. I am getting better. I have a plan and i am going to succeed and fight through college, yet i see pictures of a friend from high school and that is all it takes till i start to spiral into this black hole of doubt and fear.
Eyithen Feb 2019
A tragically beautiful space
Constellations telling secrets of the universe.
Always giving, waiting to be known.
Stars years away, slowly dying
In a sea of darkness, shining through the drowning.

I peer into the infinite space
A graveyard of lights in their final resting place.
How insignificant am I?
A grain of sand in a vast desert
What was important is not
As I rest in my creators hands.

Our oceans unexplored
How far can we stretch these arms?
We are bound by our limits
We are not bigger then we are.

The moon does not glow
without the help of the sun
The oceans do not move
without the help of the moon

Depths unobtainable
Distances too far to travel
Left to my imagination
As I stare at the sky
We are often so focused on ourselves. "Everything revolves around me". See how small you are, smaller than a cell in a body.
Eyithen Mar 2023
My love has been left sitting too long/it has fermented into loneliness/nobody wants to be the last one standing/to be the last kid picked in gym class/it creates disappointment.

Emptiness wraps me in its cold embrace/There used to be more of us/but one by one they were picked off/Falling into the snare of an intimate relationship/I am merely a placeholder until they get the ones they will spend forever with/and that was ok...at least I thought it was.../

I had my cat/but now she is gone/The one constant thing in my life/I come home expecting to see her there/on my bed/laying in the sun/on the chaise with her favorite blanket/I said goodbye on a Thursday/and packed up all her things four days later/The reminder was too painful/And yet I have pictures of her everywhere/because I need her presence/Loneliness was never so bad because I was never alone/until now.

So yes I am growing bitter towards the idea of boyfriends./Boyfriends become priority/You become less of one/Maybe when I get one it will be different/But I have vowed never to forget who was there for me/but right now in this moment/I am sick of being abandoned/of being alone/Of grieving what I have lost and what I don't have.
Eyithen Apr 2022
I love the person I've become/but I hate the person I had to be to get to her/ I wouldn't write the younger years out/for fear of who that would shape her to be today/that is you would find a completely different person/still bathing in lukewarm water/or lost at sea in a turbulent trapped mind/unaware/and yet I wish I could pick and choose/to remove those images, those words, the fighting/not all the bad/but the biggest of these./Who would she be?
Do you ever wish you prevent certain things from happening? Who would you be now? For better or worse?
Eyithen May 2019
I want...
              To write...
                               A happy poem...
                                                              But I am...
                                                                                  Still waiting...
                                                             For the day...
                                      When I...
                  Will be...
  Truly...
                                ...Happy.
Eyithen Apr 2021
Today I am angry.
I'm angry that the car is ***** from my sister's dog.
I'm angry that the cat threw up on my bed.
I'm angry that I wasted time taking the family dog to the groomers when it was the wrong day.
I'm angry that I'm tired
I'm angry to the point that I want to cry and grumble
I'm angry that these dogs are pooping and peeing in the house and making a mess and nothing feels clean.
I'm just so ******* ******* ******.
At everything.
I'm angry that the water in the shower won't heat up.
I'm angry that whoever showered last left puddles on the floor.
I'm angry the sink keeps clogging.
Heck,
I'm angry that I woke up.
I'm angry at everything around me.
But I'm mostly angry at myself for allowing my anger to show
For letting it control me...
But it still burns viciously with an unquenchable hunger.
Eyithen Mar 2020
I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.
Eyithen May 2021
I'm a pitiful little dreamer I am;
Head always filled with notions,
Nose hidden between pages,
Feet following in the steps
of a hopeless romantic.

I'm starting to accept the fact
that I will never be loved
to the degree that I love.

I've grown cold to the disappointment
but I'm not quite numb,
Still an ache accompanies this feeling.

Overthinking and mistaking
normal events as purposeful intent
Trying to fill a seemingly impossible expectation;

Or perhaps it's just me,
I'm too much.
Good, but not quite enough.
Loved, but still somehow,
second hand.

And I cant help but wonder
If I'll forever wander,
smiling,
but forever accompanied
by a hidden sadness

The only thing
that loves me so dear,
is the emptiness
that is birthed
from the fear
of doubt,
That I could ever be loved
to a depth such as this,
To how I dream it to be.
#hopelessromantic #sad #heartbreaking #friendships
#notenough #unloved #nightstruggle
Eyithen Sep 2018
If i were to paint a picture of the thoughts in my head
There would be cold blacks and lonely blues, with hints of  angry reds and melancholy purples. a lively green peeking its way through.

If i were to paint a picture of my soul
There would be firefly yellows and apple reds
As well as autumn hazels and summer fire oranges
with streaks of that lonely blue and speckled with comforting lavender. A rainy gray softening the edges.

If i were to paint a picture of my eyes
There would be warm chocolate browns with flicks of fiery golds.
Blessed to be wide, wise, and curious like that of a doe, along with Long lashes for butterfly kisses.

If i were to paint a picture of my body
There would be rounded shapes, subtle tones, with flowers growing from her hands, all configured into a short, symmetrical figure.

If i were to paint a picture of my smile
I could only hope it would be beaming with the colors of sunshine.

If i were to paint a picture of you
You would be a blank canvas, because i have yet to meet you.
But I'm sure that you would be a beautiful, chaotic, masterpiece, waiting for a painting of me.
Eyithen Aug 2018
If my life was a book
Would anyone read it?
Would it be happy or sad?
Romance or Action?

If my life were a book
Would it be like a John Green Novel?
Or would it be morphed into Fantasy?
Would it be filled with Mystery like a Nancy Drew volume?
Or filled with Drama?
I think i would be a trilogy; possibly more,
Because one book won't even cover a day's worth of thoughts.

If my life were a book
Would it be made of experiences and feelings?
Contemplating the small stuff
and finding the beauty in everything?
Would it be like Narnia?
Everything metaphorical
Filled with personification and anthropomorphism.

If my life were a book
Would my inner demons become monsters or a curse?
Would my love interest be a charming prince?
A rouge outlaw? Or someone i would least expect?

If my life were a book
I can only hope it would be a great adventure.
One with foreign lands and exotic animals.
One that defies gravity
And goes against everything we can imagine

If my life were a book, if one were to read it,
They would learn more about me in a hundred pieces of paper
Then they could in a day.

If my life were a book
One could possibly know me better then i know myself
Because we often reveal more than we intend to without ever knowing it ourselves.
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
It's all a blur
I was afraid
It forced me awake

I struggle to grasp it
As it fades away
I remember a pain

There was something I'd lost
Or someone...
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
There was a house

It was pleasant
It wasn't unwanted

I slept too long
But the scene was short

There was a conversation i think
Eyithen Aug 2018
I had a dream
But not one I like

I was lonely
Though i wasn't alone

I can't remember
But do I want to?

Through open eyes Tears do spill
If now I don't sleep
I soon will
Eyithen May 2019
I'm afraid for myself
I'm afraid that I won't know the difference between being in love and being naive.
But I'm also afraid of giving my heart to someone
Because I've seen the risks involved when you trust someone with yourself.
I'm afraid of getting a taste of that beautiful love I've always been hungry for,
And then being left to starve.
I'm afraid that they will leave me
I am always dreaming and fantasizing,
But then there are times I feel the pain and fear that comes with trust and being in love,
And I become nervous and unsure.
                             Will this happen to me?
                             Will I fall in love and think he's the one,
                             Only to be left alone?
                             To be broken and sad with an aching heart?
                             To be drained of my tears?
                              Left with a sore throat and heavy eyes?
                              Because as beautiful as love is there is always a
                              lingering risk you might have to face...
But I want to know.
I want to know how it feels to always be on someones mind,
To want to be with them.
To miss them so bad it hurts even if just for a day.
I want to experience the unending joy,
The high when you are so happy you're glowing.
I have shed a lot of tears and I have been more sad then most.
Not depressed, hopeless, or broken.
Just sad.
I want someone so bright that shadows cease to exist,
And everything dark and toxic is a distant memory that i can barely conjure.
Like the hint of a dream that is on the top of your tongue, but unable to recall.
I want someone to blind me with their very existence.
I don't know if this kind of thing only happens in fairy tails, but i hope that one day soon i will find the light I'm looking for, to enhance this bleak and dreary existence we sometimes call life.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Eyithen Feb 6
I'm in my villian era;
That is to say
I'm in my intolerant era
My "I don't give a ****" era
My "I don't have patience for peoples emotions and stupidity" era;

Except its not an era
It's a day
A week
It is a come and go feeling that helps me to function and push forward,
It is an intensity
A fire burning, but not from anger
It is power and control
It is a wall
It's still kind, but different, tainted
Searching for the motive, the string, the catch
proceeding wearily, lacking child-like faith.

It is the only way to protect myself,
demanding respect
To declare that statement:
"Don't **** with me"
To be a sheep in wolf's clothing
Until I feel safe enough to rid myself of this hyde.
Eyithen Sep 2019
Duck duck goose
Duck duck goose
The same old routine
Stuck on a loop

Like a new found song
Played over and over
Story of my life
Wish I wasn't sober

I'm stuck in the mud
Stuck in this town
Ready to get out
Before I dumb down

Ring around the rosie
I have already fallen down
There is no exit in sight
Every time I turn around

I write my own songs
They aren't very good
But they are mine
They tell you where I've stood

They start to sound the same
After a while
Same chord progressions
All my thoughts compiled

1 2 3, 1 2 3,
What will i do now?
Hopefully something different
If my brain will allow

Play then rewind
Maybe I'm insane
Because I keep doing the same old thing
Thinking things will change.
I'm sick of the same old thing everyday, I'm ready for something to change. My way doesn't work, time to break this pride.
Eyithen Mar 2020
I don't mean to be insecure
But sometimes it happens
I think you only like me
Cause I'm "confident", you say, and that's "rare".

But let me let you in on a little secret
It all feels like a lie
Sometimes I AM full of this energy of self-love
And other times I can hear those words being whispered into my ear: unworthy, ugly, insecure, little girl faker, puppet, doll

And I can feel the burn in my eyes
The one that tells me, as my throat tightens, that I might just cry
I want to be that girl you see
But I'm afraid if I let you in

If I let you see that I sometimes break
You won't like me anymore
Cause I'm nothing but a fake, however unreal that may be
You'll think I'm just like all the other girls you've dated
Thinking I'm fat and ugly, never comfortable in my own skin
And what if I told you, you were right?

But only sometimes.
And maybe if I had someone like you to stay,
It would only fortify the strong parts of me.
Because love only grows with love.
Eyithen Sep 2021
A thumb flicks repetitive across the screen.
Scrolling.
Images of faces, targeted ads and mundane art.

A random couple standing on the beach.
I pause for them.

His toad like appearance distorts my face,
One nostril scrunching up in displeasure at the belly that sticks out rounding into his chest so you can’t tell where his torso starts and ends, while a pair of swim trunks desperately attempt to cling to a skeletal waist.

Her body is normal aside from the concave stomach and the ***** that had clearly been poked at, flayed away, reshaped into an over exaggerated spherical shape.

Two figures clearly trying and failing to force their bodies to reject their aging fate, but they succeed in looking less human, and more like that of distorted dreams. Their skin is too dark, slicked up with oil, and all I can think of is when leather for skin became fashionable.

Their bodies are theirs to do as they please, but this new species of seal takes away the beauty of the water kissing the shore and I find the thought of these distorted figures mar my vision of the beach into a sour taste.

I can only assume its attention they want with the transaction they made: her youth for his money.
So tell me, is it not within my right to judge?
Is it?

I scold myself for being quick to judge with my eyes
though I cannot find myself to be sorry;
For they have clearly invested in their outwardly appearance.
For the sake of themselves or others who is to say?
But they parade through sand exposed, out on display.
Inspired by a random picture
Eyithen Aug 2018
I ******* up...again
I always ***** up.
I can never do anything the way i want to
I am so angry at myself.

I hate these thoughts
I want to love myself
But i can't help but hate myself

These demons are always haunting my mind
I try to have good thoughts; positive thoughts
But like the pessimist i am, i think about the bad

Like a trick candle
when i think i have snuffed the demons out,
When i am starting to love myself again
They come back whispering unwanted thoughts
And then i spiral
And i think about all the faces that pity me

I am being too ******* myself, I know
And yet despite this
I still feel the lonely ache
As i wonder why success is always in front of me
But out of reach
Like a forbidden fruit I can never have.
Eyithen Oct 2018
I think I think too much
Thoughts are ricocheting in my brain.
Never stopping
One thought starts a domino line
I dangerously follow the rabbit trails

I think I talk to much
I think faster than I can speak
Then later I regret it
Thinking maybe your annoyed with me

Wish I could turn it all off
Im sick of hearing myself
Always overthinking as my brain keeps going and going
Always over-talking I ramble and ramble.
I Yearn for the peace and quietness

I blast the music to turn off my thoughts
Disrupt the chain, break the link.
Even as I sleep descriptive dreams envelop me
I'm looking for the off switch
For temporary release.
Eyithen Sep 2018
You've been having one of those weeks
When you can barely stand on your feet
If you are feeling down, feeling blue
Than this poem is for you

It is okay to not be okay
Just don't run away
Through the good times and the bad,
When your happy or your sad
I'll never turn away
Just ask me to stay

So your mama ain't been faithful or kind
She said she's sorry, she lied
Your dad is passed out on the couch, another bottle in his hand
I guess he lost the fight again

You say your fine
but I see it in your eyes
Its clear your not
don't leave yourself to rot

Please hear what I have to say
Please dear, don't push me away
You will make it through the day
Three little words that's all it takes

So with tears in your eyes, you finally confess
Your falling apart, your a mess,
"Im not okay" , you finally say
"And that is okay" I relay

So if you feel like you just might break
Like your life was one big mistake
Hear me out
It's clear and loud

let down the mask
no need to be intact
fall apart if you must
the rain will clear the dust

You are fine, you are okay
And I will help you if you ask me to stay
But you don't need to say a word because I know you
And I will always help through and through.

But remember this, come what may
Its okay to not be okay.
For a struggling friend
Eyithen Mar 2023
I wish I didn't have to say goodbye.
But I'm glad I got to say "hello"
And "I love you"
And "your my baby"
And "it's ok"
And "You can go now"
And "I'll always, always love you"
And "I miss you"
But I hate that I miss you
I wish I didn't have to miss you at all
But  if I had to choose,
To love and lose
or to to never love at all,
I would say goodbye a thousand times more.
I hate saying goodbye. I hate the pain. I hate the mourning.
Eyithen Jun 2021
I can feel the buzzing of my nerves
So I chug it down
hoping it will calm the storm
I taste the sweet and bitter
I feel the burn on the way down
I like the warmth when it hits my stomach
Maybe it can help
slow things down for a bit
Buzz my mind
Make me sleep
A sip here
A swish there
I think it'll do the trick
Just don't tell mama
she'll get rid of it
she don't like it in the house
I understand why
The temptation is bright
When you don't want to think
Eyithen Sep 2018
Good, Bad
Right, Wrong
The list just goes on and on

There is a line that no one should cross
It has been blurred and lost

Morals are guidelines
Everyone is an exception
Lost in a sea of philosophical deception

So here you go
Round and round again
Running the same circles you did back then

You try to keep straight
But it is harder now
Always letting your loved ones down

Your mind betrays what you know to be true
It keeps you caged like a monkey at a zoo

You keep dancing the dance
You keep singing the song
Even if you know it to be wrong

You know who you are
Or at least who you want to be
So why can't you just let yourself free?

A stranger whispers things in your ears
But you don't believe what you hear

You are breaking the chains
The light is in sight
But than it flickers
and your trapped in the night

You keep holding on
As strength fills your soul
But you start to stagger when the fight takes its toll

Your almost there
The end is in sight
The noose you wear is tied tight

The tears slip out
Your hoping for peace
Second-guessing as you look at your feet

Than sudden like a storm
You hear the voice
The one telling you to make a different choice
The one telling you, you'll be okay
The one screaming this isn't the way

You breath out relief
Your death-wish ends
And your will to live extends

The second-wind hits
"I won't go out like this"
There is too much I'll miss

The words the stranger whispered that day,
Gave you a sword so your demons you could slay

You repeat as a mantra never leaving your thoughts,
Giving you strength as they ought

And that is when you realize
Under the scarred skin and thoughts of mud
Under all the tears and blood

There is someone who is beloved
As the words echo,

"You Are Loved"

Hold fast this lifeline
Never let it go
As you learn to love
In a world of ice and snow
For those who need to know, you are never alone. We love you.
Eyithen Feb 6
I roll my eyes instantly at the mention of "race" and "gender"
Having been oversaturated and now it's bitter on my tongue

Taught to look for agendas and obssessions
Hyperfixation on trauma and eras and mental health
I suppose everyone is mentally unwell when we go seeking for what makes us damaged

And perhaps we are delusional, creating things that aren't there, but we speak it into existence with the power of our lips making shapes and noise,
creating the next trend, lingo, aesthetic,
grouping, pairing, splitting, naming,
explaining away everything.

God this world makes me dizzy.
Eyithen Jun 2021
how to start to create something
hidden and subtle,
like a carefully crafted secret
only unintentional.

you were my secret.
well,
i guess you sometimes still are in my dreams
but I know better;
i know you're not mine.

now that the fantasy as faded,
distance to breath helps me see that you were a mirage,
something beautiful from far away
but up close it all dissipates
and i see that you were never there to begin with.

our time was short,
relationship almost nonexistent
and yet i could let myself fall so hard
i almost did.
i let you consume my thoughts
and drive my fantasies.

now i sit here scolding myself
scolding the overthinker
scolding the dreamer who dares to get wrapped up in things that only occurs to the quiet girl in rom-coms and meet-cute novels.

her head and her heart only cause her pain
waiting for a day that may never come,
but she keeps on dreaming
and waiting
and wishing
and loving

one day....
one day....

one day her heart may be released from its cage only to be shot down,
but one day someone may pick it up, take it home, cherish it, love it,
and she will no longer think of the missed moments and passerbys,
of the connections that electrified,
Cause there will be many that make those pale in comparison.

One day....
Eyithen Sep 2018
I wish you were here by my side
When your not it makes me want to cry
I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I cannot bear for us to be apart

I am bad at goodbyes, I told you this
Sorry if I'm not making any sense
I can't help but feel left behind
Even though it's all in my mind

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Do you feel the same pain and sadness that I do?
I can't help but wonder if you love me as much as i love you.
I hope and know that's not true

I'm in despair at the absence of your presence
It must be this thing we share and possess
I know i will see you soon
But soon is too far away when I'm missing you
This is actually pieces to a song I'm trying to write.
Eyithen Aug 2018
Holy water cannot help you now
Thousand armies couldn't keep me out
I don't want your money
I don't want you crown
I've come to burn your kingdom down
And no river or lakes can put the fire out

What do I do with the burning in me?
Should i share it or burn alive?

Awaken every dragon
Awaken every wolf
I am hell with skin
Not a gentle human

There is something hiding behind my eyes and inside my soul
They should have checked the ashes
Of the woman they burned alive
Cause all it takes is a single wild ember
To bring a whole wildfire to life
We rise from ourselves, when the pain has dried us out
Cause there is nothing left in our hearts after the drought

War is not a game

I'm not the monster you think i am
I'm just the monster you wanted me to be
You can hate your demons
With all that you are
You can yell and scream
Curse them with all your heart
But at the end of the day
They're the only ones that see your scars
When you remove the mask that hides your face
They're the only ones that see who you really are

We are a new breed rising
With fire in our eyes
We don't fear anything cause we have already died
Molten eyes and a smile made for war

Oh so you want a battle i will give you a war
You will have to wade through blood
You will have to give everything up
But then you will be washed clean
Judge me if you want we are all going to die
I intend to, i deserve it

You want a fight, ill bring you the war
But take off the masks and let your monsters soar

So hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beast under you bed
In your closet
In your head
Cause monsters don't sleep under your bed
They hid and they manifest inside your head

We all have our demons and skeletons hidden away
The war that is coming won't change our fate
We all will die, we all get a grave
There is nothing you can do to change your fate

Are you the hero or villain? There is no difference
We have been blurred grey till we can't tell the difference
A villain  is a victim who wasn't saved
A hero is haunted day by day

Everyone will always be a monster
There's no turning back
But what type is up to you

My thoughts are too dark
You'd suffocate in them
Stop hiding a part of yourself away like the moon
We will be revealed soon
Most of these are lines and quotes from Pinterest. I felt they all fit together. I couldn't find the rightful owners of these. So just to clarify "I DON'T OWN ANY OF THIS". NOT MY ORIGINAL WORK. The only thing that is mine is like the last two sentences as well as little things i added in here and there.
Eyithen Feb 6
I'm not a poet but I write poetry
I'm not a songwriter but I write songs
I'm not an artist but I paint and do things of the artistic persuasion

I don't like to title things
They sound so official
And offically, I don't know what I am
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