Do you ever feel like you just annoy everyone?
Like they are secretly wishing you would just go away?
I try not to feel this way.
I try to tell myself that i am just imagining things
That it is all just in my head,
But its too late.
The anxiety has already kicked in
My thoughts are already spiraling.
Like a chain reaction, one thought sets off all the others.
I don't know what to do.
I just want to cry,
Because there is this loneliness.
Like i can never really trust anyone or what they say
Because i don't know if they are sincere.
I don't know what has caused this mistrust
But it's there.
I have never really been lied to or betrayed.
So why do i feel this way?
Why do i feel so defensive?
I'm not closed off, i tell people my life story,
But i never let them know how I really feel in the present.
It just shows I'm more insecure than i thought, even though i thought i was past this.
I think that is why i like stories about romance and love.
I wish i had that special someone.
Someone whom i could trust and tell them what i was really feeling.
Because then i know that someone really loves me.
That i don't have to lie or pretend with them.
Someone who could hold me up and be there for me when i need it; and i would do the same in return.
I wish i could lean on my friends, but they have enough of their own problems, i don't want to burden them with my petty feelings.
I know i could tell them anything, but i still feel the need to put on a smile and fake the fact that i may not be okay for once.
I guess i just don't want to make it seem like a bigger deal then it really is.
Maybe I'm afraid to show how broken i really feel,
To show how weak i am, that i actually hurt and have problems.
Even if i have only been cracked, not shattered, even if i have no reason to hurt, its these **** "emotions" and "feelings".
It hurts when i see friends of mine out having fun together on social media,
then comes that one triggering thought...
"why wasn't I invited?"
Even though i am included, I still feel excluded.
And it's not like i am not social enough,
i make the time and effort,
And yet i am still on the outside looking in.
Screaming through a window for someone to hear me.
I crave that unconditional love. To know that someone really loves me inside and out despite my insecurities and quirks.
Someone that i could trust wholeheartedly.
I have never felt this,
But i can only imagine how addicting it must be.
It's days like these,
I get stuck in the past,
These sinking feeling don't last.
But then i go back to the same old routine
I'm happy again but is it real?
This is more of a rant than anything. There is a rhythm (sort of) but no sense of rhyme. I was listening to Cold by Jorge Mendez while writing this. It is beautiful sad with a touch of anger.